Saturday, February 28, 2009
It's a wonderful bit of fancy and I love it.
Can't wait to read on....
Have a look here at Smoke Rings and Matterings and see what John has written.
I want to be a Swirlycursy.....I have the hair for it!
Friday, February 27, 2009
This Tahni, my eldest daughter at 24 years old (yes I was 2 when I had her) , commonly known on this blog as CSV (Catholic Scientist Virgin), because she is.
But thats a long story and I have already told it sometime.
She is a beautiful girl with a humanitarian heart and also graduated from Sydney University with an Honours degree (1st Place) in Advanced Science.......she has since gone on to become a very nun like person within the Catholic Church.
Some of us hope she will change her mind about this eventually...
In her own good time of course :0)
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
She has another primary cancer in her lung, but that was there before, its just got a little bit bigger and some fluid around her heart. There are some little ones in her lungs too.
She has a tumour growing on her left adrenal gland also.
And multiple lymph nodes are pretty big.
But her tumour levels haven't gone up again and they are doing some more tests to see why she has such weak legs as there is no tumour they can see on or near her spine.
They want to do an MRI and an echo.
They need to check out the fluid around her heart too and maybe drain it off.
Her liver is still clear so that's good.
There is no fluid in her stomach either which is also good. But its a mystery why her belly is so big if there is no fluid or large tumour.
It wasn't as bad as we were expecting anyway, but still worse than before.
That's to be expected I guess.
We will know a bit more when the other tests are done.
They may want to do some treatment soon, depending on whats causing her pain.
They are unsure of which cancer is causing the problems so this needs to be determined before they can decide on treatment or not.
But that's all we know for now.
Here's the funny thing....I'm on the phone to Tahni CSV the other night and she has been talking to her friend whose dad is a doctor and Tahni ended up talking to him about mum....long story short he tells her some things for me to ask about so I do and I mention his name.....
That got em sitting up straight!
Apparently he is one of the head honchos in oncology at the hospital and now they are jumping!
I swear the whole demeaner (?) of the doctor changed.
So, test will be done pronto and the next appointment is only 2 weeks away.
Hmmmmm...this may not be very articulate.
I am exhausted.
The whole family is shaking in our boots.
Even Josh in Germany....
The past few days has seen a slow build up of yuk
I'm sure its why the girls were 'sick'....
Its 7 am and I am about to get ready and put on my happy I can do anything face
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
This man has a beautiful heart and an important message.
Please take a moment to go see what I mean.
so I am giving blogger till the end of the day to restore my data....and then I will scream loudly and go do it all again.
This explains the mystery of the disappearing followers people.....
AND it has made me an anonymous follower in every one...go into your manage followers and make them all public and they come back
Yesterday both my girls rang me, seperately, to say they were feeling shaky and 'off'
I told both of them to go down to their respective school offices and get them to ring me so they could catch the early bus-es home
All well and good
K's school office lady rang and was so disapproving that I couldn't come get her immediatley and she had to get a bus home that she actually hmmmmm-ed at me and hung up on me when I said there was no alternative!
K is 17 years old this week, not 5
I am an hours drive away from the school running an office single handedly whilst also dealing with 15 seperate phone calls from my mother who is freaking out sideways....
Not to mention that by the time I would have gotten into the school to get her she would have been almost home on the bus anyway
I am really PISSED
and may well go into the school today and tell this ignoramous to take a reality check and not have opinions about what she knows nothing about......
SHE HMMMMM-ED AT ME AND HUNG UP!!!!
So loving life this week
Monday, February 23, 2009
This is what I'm within spitting distance of every day
Pretty isn't it...
I've had a pain in the butt of a weekend
I seem to be heading towards yet more changes, but find me unable to quite 'cut the string' for some reason....but I'm not going into that right now.
But it's Monday again
Sunday, February 22, 2009
When I wake up at 5am it is dark now
Bit rude for a Sunday morning I think but...
But by the time I've had my first cup of coffee
I get to see this out of my kitchen window
I may take a walk later
and show you where I live
I tend to forget it is pretty here.....
Happy Sunday people
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Thank you to my friend Natalie for this award.
She is a lovely person who has been travelling this life with me for quite a few years now.
And it's been too long since I've seen her!
I would also like to pass it along to Jen who is always ready with an ear to bash.
Thanks for caring Jen.
And to Gina and Toni, who may live in Tassie but that doesn't matter in Blogland!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE LOVELY DIANA!!!
I wish I was there.
Friday, February 20, 2009
How lucky am I.
Thank you my friend Jen at One Foot in Front of the Other
Seeings as lots of people I would have picked to pass this onto already have one now I'm going to pass this onto Lisa because she is, Renee because I feel she is a now a real friend and I'm so glad to meet her and to Natalie who is a VIP and needs reminding :0)<
My other award (see post below) was the Honest Scrap and I'm going to pass it on at a later date.
I am feeling special
Thank you much
I am the lucky recipient of this lovely (my very first!) award from the lovely Natalie over at Musings from the Deep.
Many thanks Nat.
I like this one because I do try to be honest...honest I do.
I will be back later to pass it on.
I am inundated with idiots at the moment in this #@&* office......
Lucky it wasn't an award for my charm heh :0)
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Having decided to do Lisa's 52 Doorways I drew no: 19
Who do I attract into my life?
This is pretty funny really.
Right now I am attracting no one....
I do believe there is a reason for this though.
I don't have the time or the energy for newbies (or even oldbies) right now and obviously am shouting it out loud on an 'energetic' level.
Fine by me.
I also believe that like attracts like and that whatever state of being I have been in has attracted the same types to me.....ie: When I was a 'victim' I attracted abusers, when I was an addict I attracted similar types.
When I was searching I found teachers and other seekers.
When I had learned a lesson I attracted someone who needed me to show them how.
Now I am not searching I have attracted no one...hmmmm
Before this episode of my life began I attracted good friends and people who love me and hold me up when I am down.
On this blog I have attracted people who I admire and respect and who inspire me to do and be a better me.
Very interesting doorway....especially viewed from behind
I am confident that when this is over I will find myself surrounded by whatever it is that I need.
The universe works like that
If you let it
PS- Mums CT scan got done finally and she was okay.
Remembering back in the day when I was a fifteen year old and could never find the words, or be allowed the 'space' to talk to my mum about what I was doing......or if I did try, to be shot down in flames because I knew nothing and was just a kid....etc etc
Remembering how out of control I became in my 'secret' life and that someone really should have stopped me....
Looking at my 15 year old who is me, but tamer she will be disgusted to know, many years later and wondering how the hell I can get her to share a bit of her life and thoughts with me so I can be a steady hand for her without shooting her down in flames or stomping on her developing self...
We email each other.....
Gives me time to ponder before shooting off my mouth
Gives her 'space' to hear me without having to squirm in discomfort at old ladies talking about personal stuff...
And time to reply with out having to do the 'teenage angst' thing.
Cuts out the yelling factor...
Well, I know its not perfect but communication is happening and some honesty is required.
Oh to put an older head on a young shoulder.....
For her to see how beautiful she is.....
And to know how much I love her.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Well, after much early awakening and fasting and driving and such
We get there
She drinks the contrast over an hour
goes in to the room
the nurse cant find a vein
the radiologist cant find a vein
my mother is dehydrated and no veins are playing today
so radiologist decides he will keep digging around in my mothers arms, yes plural, in eight seperate spots, now holes....
with his sharp needle scraping on bones in wrists and doing embroidery type stitches in elbow crooks without removing the needle
until the poor woman cries
and the nurse says enough
and they send her home
to come back tomorrow
to do it all again
after lots of water has been imbibed
and with the aid of an anaeths...ummm.....oh you know, the experts at needle sticking in people
I will punch radiologist if he touches her again
And she had to really push herself just to walk from the carpark to the rooms....about a 3 minute journey for us non sick people
I am thinking a wheelchair will be needed soon for anything such as shopping or walking further than the car to the house type thing....
This is not fun
Not at all
My poor poor little mother.
Feisty little wench she used to be....
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
In my fantasy life I would have something really valuable and interesting to say here every day!
I would divide my time between doing amazing (and well selling) artwork and writing 'the' novel.
I would always have pertinent advice for my children and they would always heed my words and grow up to be very well adjusted and functional human beings.
I would be a caring and nurturing type person who had all the time in the world for you should you need me to be.....and never have anything more important to do other than listen to you.
I would be in a high paying job that only required me to attend the place of employment when my heart so desired.
I would own a beautiful home that reflected all of my loving qualities...
My pets would be so well trained they could make me breakfast and clean up their own messes.
Well, who's life is it then??
Monday, February 16, 2009
Seems I forgot that it was raining on everybody elses house too
That means tenants
with leaky roofs
ringing me at sparrowfart to scream and have palpitations
why can people not just move things out of the way of water
put buckets and towels down
wait till 9am
and then ring me and abuse me??
Much more civilised as far as Im concerned
Am I supposed to go over in my PJ's and do it for them???
Am I now God and responsible for the heavens behaviour?
Do I have 24 hour access to tradespeople?
Am I a roofer??
It IS raining people and has been for many days now
I know because MY HOUSE IS WET TOOOOOOOOO......
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Maybe I shouldn't be whinging
I am sooooo sick of this rain!
I like rain, really I do
Just not when it pours incessantly for days in a row and makes it impossible to do anything useful
Paint takes hours to dry
The dog smells awful
I will bath him and blow dry him but he doesn't like it.......sulking black fur ball ahead...
The house is dim
The washing pile is growing arms and legs
Bring on the sun I say
Bring on the sun
And a nice cool breeze for balance....
Its Sunday and I am now going to do something very useful
Go back to bed!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
through all the days
and the endless nights
and in the pondering of tommorrow
I hold no fear
of things past
and times remembered
only to be forgotten
in this life
endlessly I float
surrounded by the knowing
and the forgetting
and the secrets of my fear
was it yesterday
I saw you
or will it be some other time
will you know me by my name
what does it mean
that time is irrelevent here
Copyright (c) 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Today I am trying to walk in my goddess
And I am raging
Is this why I avoid myself?
I stand back and observe the raging torrent of me and I see she is magnificent.
I try to pick apart the tangled threads of my relationships and I find
that my own expectations lead me to despair.
Inside of me, my goddess weeps.
She wails for the injustices carried out upon the children.
She cries for me..
Inside of me, my goddess dances
She dances for the sheer hell of it
And she laughs like a loon
She dances until her legs will dance no more
and falling to the ground
The sleep of innocence where no darkness that is not invited comes
Inside of me, my goddess glories in the sensual.
Touching, feeling, tasting whatever life should choose to bring her way
She does not hide in case it feels too good
She revels in the sweetness of my core
Inside of me, my goddess knows that I am not a problem waiting to be fixed
A role that needs to be played
She does not need to see herself reflected in the eyes of another
to know that she is real
I am her
She is me
Inside of me she dances
And she waits
She waits for me
Was it really over a year and a half ago I wrote this???
- friends, both fleshy and online for caring enough to come visit and give me feedback
- giant hamburgers that stop my brain from functioning for at least an hour
- small black furry friends who smell really bad and me love to death
- aunts who keep the parent occupied and accompanied
- Lisa, who drives all the way out here to watch me eat mind numbing hamburgers and loves me for who I am, not what I do for her, which is nothing at all lately, except love her back :)
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Life after the death of my mother
I have thus far avoided this conversation with myself because I just havn't wanted to think about it
I feel that I must make some sort of, internal at least. preperation here
I dont think she will see out this year......
Not without a miracle anyway
Who will 'do' Christmas afterwards?
Who will I run to, not that I have needed to do that for many years now, but still, what if I did?
Who will I be in the family infrastructure?
What will happen to my little brother?? As far as I'm concerned he will live with me until he feels he can manage on his own...but what will he want?? He is my main concern really. He is only 22 years old.....and now is not the time to ask him, but soon, maybe soon.
What will happen should this business not sell? For real?
I don't understand finances, never having had any money, what happens with the house, the business, all the' stuff'? I know what mum wants everyone to have, I know what debts need paying, but I don't know anything else and she hasn't been very forthcoming with getting this stuff sorted.
Who will I be?
What will I do next?
My MadKchild will be devastated, as will my sister.
How will I help them pick up their pieces?
Funerals? I will have to organise one.....
I have discovered another worthy blog sister. Julie ann does gorgeous paintings and you should go take a peek at
I want one....
My gosh.....the sky is crying today
and its cold too
I hope they are getting some of this in Victoria!
The thunder is grumbling and the sky is dark, the office is dim and very quiet.
Have had a nutty kind of morning and am wishing it away quickly thankyou....
Its my little brothers birthday today....22 years old....and a celebratory meal is being had tonight.
The Wildchild (aka Shelli and/or Madam Slash) is feeling much better today and the soreness has gone from her throat... she wants to go to school tomorrow ......!!! She is bored.
Madgirl K has missed the bus again....it broke down and we have no alternatives out here in the boondocks.....and the alarm did NOT go off this morning??? I must not have set it properly...at least it wasn't at 6.99. She says god does not want her to go to school obviously and is happily doing whatever she does at home now....
My poor little mum is getting more scared by the day with regards to the CAT scan coming up next week. She is not feeling well, nausea, has pain all through her belly, in particular the left hand side and her left knee and ankle keep swelling up. She sleeps many hours through the day.
I too am dreading it....I dont hate anything or one in this world. Except for cancer. I HATE cancer...
Browsing through blogs has been keeping me sane lately and this I am grateful for. There is a whole world full of fantastic writers and artists and just plain cool people out there to be discovered and Im loving it.
Many thanks to my friend's Lisa, who led me here in the first place and Natalie whose recent blogging escapades have led me further into blogland than I realised I could go.
Anyhoo, I am boring today so will go....
Hoping you all have a lovely one, whatever it is.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Good news is that on Sunday I got Shelli some Mega Vitamin C and zinc and echinacea in large doses and today her throat is only half as red and the pus is all gone......she is feeling about 50% better too.
I read on the internet somewhere that these things are an immune booster so got em and crossed fingers....seems to have made an impact anyway as she was one very sick chick yesterday and today she is hungry.
Anyway, I will keep her resting and observe her closely and not let her do anything strenuous for a while and hope she's okay.
Still don't know if it's a new thing for her or a flare up of an existing thing.
We shall see......
Why don't the comments from my art blog come through to my inbox??
I had several comments there that I wasn't aware of till today, so if you commented I wasn't ignoring you, just ignorant :0)
P.S: I have made a new friend in Blogland and I'm giving him a hey ho because he writes such a lovely tale....please go here to meet Barry.
Today is a blah day
Have had blood tests done for Shellichild
3 days for results
It seems I am not meant to be getting up early anymore
The clocks have conspired...
My 400 year old alarm clock that was nearly cracked in half once upon a time, when I bonked ex husband over the head with it one day, finally gave up the ghost yesterday, once and for all.
It did so with a quiet whimper.
Consequently I didn't get up till 7 and therefore K missed the school bus and a shiny brand new clock was purchased in order for this to not happen again.....
This morning at 6.99 the alarm did not go off......
yes, that's right
Hmmmm.......a clock from another planet I obviously did purchase!
I was awake at 5 however, as small animals were on the ball with scratching and meowing and some very loud birds also chimed in to make sure K got to school on time today....
So, another clock has been purchased and I will take the other one back to the interplanetary clock shop, located on Platform 9 and a three quarters, next to Aisle 5 and a half in Coles, tomorrow.
Are you confused yet?
Looking forward to Wednesday, today is a lost cause
AND just got a phone call from the doctors ( 3days??) and it IS Glandular Fever.....FRIK
Monday, February 09, 2009
He says he thinks the child has Glandular Fever! Which is related to depression!
I will be doing research on that....
and taking her for blood tests tomorrow to my current GP to investigate further.
Poor sick kid is miserable and very sore and the penicillin is unlikely to do anything.
On a different tangent, this doctor has a daughter, who I ended up going to Art School with. She was only 19 at the time and a bit of a wild child. At one stage she was going off the rails and me, being me, sat her down and pointed out the similarities in our selves and where she may end up should she not take stock of her little (6' tall) self.....last I heard of it. I had totally forgotten this until, upon leaving my appointment with her father yesterday, he shook my hand and thanked me for helping his daughter out those few years ago, I had made a difference!
I had to wrack my poor brain to remember....
Goes to show that you do indeed effect other peoples lives in ways you aren't aware of...the ripple effect and all that.
It was nice to know and made me feel pretty good. A nice suprise indeed.
The moral of the story? Random acts of caring may come back and bite you on the bum one day in a nice way, and if not, no matter, you may just make a difference without even knowing it.
Meanwhile, life goes on
If you would like to play, you have to list ten things that matter to you, starting with a letter that will be allocated to you. Leave me a comment if you want to play and I will allocate you a letter.
- B is for Beauty.....a small word to cover a universe full of such matter. Beauty to me is something that gives me pleasure and makes me feel. Not necessarily visual either. And it IS in the eye of the beholder indeed. Anything that makes me catch my breath and leaves me with that little 'pouf' of pleasure in my belly is beautiful.
- B is for Bollocks.....the world is full of it and sometimes it is amusing and other times incredibly perverse. All depends on the perception I guess...
- B is for Beasties.....the Beasties in my household give me much pleasure and also much frustration being that they are young. My children could be included here.....
- B is for Bowel Cancer.....the disease that is killing my mother. I could rave on for pages but I will only say, please get ANYTHING different in this area checked out if you notice it. Caught early enough, it CAN be cured.
- B is for Babies.....or Brats, which they do turn into eventually. However they are also Beautiful and sometimes ruin your Bladder and lead to you having to have Bits of yourself removed surgically in 5 weeks time........
- B is for Bushfires.....a catastrophic event in the lives of many of my fellow countrymen right now. Please send them a prayer right now!
- B is for B, the vitamin, of which many women do not get enough.
Also B17 the controversial cancer therapy that my mother is taking in the hope that it will slow down the progress of her disease.
- B is for Bull headedness.....I suffer from this and maintain to this day that, though it causes me grief at times, it has also saved my life!
- B is for Blue....my favourite colour. In all of it's many hues. I love Blue.
- B is for Brothers....of which I have 3. They would also come under the category of Brats and Beasties and Beautiful....
Now for the meme, also courtesy of Jen......
Type into google your first name with the word 'needs' in inverted comma's after it
eg Michelle 'needs'....
My results = hahahahahaha
Michelle needs to pee......hilarious! As anyone who knows me will tell you...I certainly do, bring on the hysterectomy
Michelle needs to shut the f*%#k up! Ooooohhhhh....who did I offend?
Michelle needs every advantage possible to attain this goal. What goal?? I will take any advantage on offer though thanks...
Michelle needs a family that will be patient, consistent, kind, loving....excellent! Where do I get one????
Michelle needs your help.......Hmmmmm
Michelle needs to go poop in different languages....not touching this one!
Michelle needs a new hairstylist....why? I like my hair? Poo....oh, not going there, thats right.
Michelle needs to keep her legs closed....ummmmm
Sunday, February 08, 2009
In the end all I can come up with, in reference to myself, which is all I'm 'qualified' to talk about really, is that, having been through years of 'displaying' (due to being) myself as a victim or an abused person or an abuser and other such things, all of which I have been at some point in my life, having pared myself down as far as I am able, to the simple-ish me that is, is that if I just present me as me, how I am at any given moment, whether I be strong, fearful, sad, mad, loony or whatever, then I am being true to me and also to you, whoever you are at the time.
By doing this I acknowledge that it is quite OKAY for me to be feeling anything I am feeling and I am not locked into being anything in particular. This gives me the freedom to be who I am, warts and all, and to not have to worry about what you think. Because that's actually none of my business at all.
I am not strong all the time, I am not mad all the time, I am not confident, fearful, brash, whatever ALL the time, I am all of these things SOMETIMES.
They are not who I am but part of what I experience. If I live my life dictated to by something I have experienced then I allow that experience to define who I am. This I refuse to do.
I am just me.
Whoever she be at this point, and its okay for me to show it.
Because, in the greater scheme of things, it doesn't even matter. And what you think matters even less. I am the one who has to live with me every day, you just catch a snippet sometimes.
If I can live with that then excellent. If not, I have some adjustments to make for myself.
I spent so many years crippled by fear. In the end I realised that the fear that was crippling me was not the fear of what had happened to me, but the fear of who I might be when I no longer allowed fear to rule me. When I did finally 'get it' I was so angry (once I got past blame, another story), at me, for wasting all that time. Then I had to forgive myself for not knowing any better. Now I do know better and can USE my experiences to know when to say no and when to NOT engage in things that are detrimental to me.....back to choices again :) That's not to say I don't still get caught up in it all, I do, but these days I recognise it a hell of a lot sooner than I did, and I can relegate it to the garbage bin where it belongs pretty damn quick!
Having said that, I will still smile for my kids when I feel like shit and I will be strong for my mother even if I am breaking apart inside. Those things I will do for love of the people involved.
Not for fear of exposing myself or because I don't know who I am.
Makes sense to me......usually :0)
Onto other daily drivel....
Shelli's tonsillitis seems to be no better and is probably worse despite the antibiotics, any helpful tips would be appreciated re what do to help her
Kayla and I started making her quilt last night....grrrrrr, this is going to take forever and I will have made a lovely quilt for her to claim if it keeps up. Hopefully she will learn as we go and be able to do it herself so it is indeed her hobby and not mine....whinge moan bitch
She is a good girl though as I came home to a sparkling clean (??) house/bathroom yesterday instead of the pigsty I was expecting...noice
Mind you this was in reaction to the dummyspit I had had the night before about having useless lumps of children who couldnt do anything for themselves and made my life be consumed by the cleaning of other peoples crap etc etc etc.............oh dear, but TRUE and obviously useful as it worked.
Am going over to mums today to get some stuff done there for her.....she cant do it herself so hi ho hi ho...off we go.....goodbye Sunday........
Did anybody else have a strange experience last night? I suddenly started shaking like a leaf and felt really really weird for a half hour or so......for no reason that I can discern......hmmm????
And the sky was frikken HUMMNG (like, a TUNE) I swear, for ages....weird energy indeed I think.
It was hot yesterday, but you know, it wasnt so bad here. We had a great breeze coming off the water so it was bearable, hope today is the same....though mum has air con so thats a relief in advance.....
Darlin will be coming today. Must ring him and request throat soothing supplies from town asap...might wait till 8am though, it IS Sunday after all......
Thats about it folks, life goes on does it not
Have a nice Sunday
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Seems Nat and Lisa have had the same mindwave as me this week
My question is
"Who do you 'present' as to others?
I will give you an example
I know a lady who suffers from many physical complaints
In fact, her whole world revolves around her ailments
She suffers from about 20 different diseases
This woman used to be drug addict and is no one we know in blogland ok
When she got 'well' she got sick
...and each year she gets sicker and sicker
When you meet this woman and ask how she is, as you do, she immediatley launches into a full-on narrative on exactly what she's going through today
You do not ever again ask this woman how she is, because she will tell you, for hours
By using her 'illnesses' she manages to avoid having to do any work on any other part of her 'self'
Every illness this woman has is one of the ones the doctors cannot ever really find a cause for...
Do you see what I mean?
This woman identifies herself as sick and in pain.....
and so she is.
She may as well walk into a room and introduce herself like this
"Hi I'm Sick, nice to meet you"
So, my question, who do you 'present' as to others?
BTW.....I don't expect an answer :0)
Its just food for thought
and yet I have so much to do
Problem is the place where I sit is not the place where I need to be doing
My home needs some serious maintenance (ie: housework) doing to it
My dog needs some training
My paintings need to be painted
And I am sitting in the orifice doing nothing all day
That is the frustrating part of my life but I guess it will change one of these days
Maybe not into me doing my things that need doing
Maybe I wil be at mums house not doing the things I need to do
I do have some things I should be doing at the orifice
I should be getting all the files schmicko for when the sale happens
Yes I said WHEN
no point being negetive
Maybe if I get it all ready the universe will see this and the buyer will magically appear?
Mum says she is not sure if I could handle the business on my own (??Like what have I been doing for 12 months?) because I often forget little things.....I ponder this, not like I haven't had anything on my mind lately and I haven't actually lost us any landlords...hmmmm...or even had any complaining about my slackness or even had any complaints at all except for tenants complaining about my Nazi-ness (yes, is)...and the fact that the only stuff that doesn't get done is the stuff she 'cant be bothered' with...which is important stuff that I just dont know how to do....grrrrrrr
I dont want it anyway
I have pondered and it is NOT what I call my cup of tea
I would do it if I had to
And I would go learn how to do it well
But I dont want to
I want it gone please
All this shit needs to be moved out of my life so that whatever is coming can come
This is the year of moving shit out??
Im all for that
Except it seems to include my mother
And thats not very nice
Friday, February 06, 2009
I am to have my bits taken out on the 16th of March
2 days after my birthday :0(
Better than on my birthday I guess
It is my fault anyway as I rang them today to explain the situation re care of mum and needing notice now in order to organise slaves etc and the lovely lady went and stuck me in the schedule on the first available date that wasnt taken up by people with huge problems.
This is good and I am pleased because I have a feeling that any later than March and I would be postponing for a while....
so, all good I guess
one month ish to get stomach muscles limbered up (hah) and try to lose a bit of flab as I will be inactive for several weeks after it I think (like Im not now??)
Wont be running any marathons anyway.....( like I do now?)
The doctor said I will be in hospital for about 4 days and then not allowed to lift anything or do much or drive for 2 weeks after and then still take it easy for several weeks after that. Its a partial hysterectomy so I assume its a bit easier than having ALL the bits whipped out???
Any input would be appreciated...
In an ycase, between sister and Tahni and Darlin I should be ok
My drivewayfromhell concerns me a bit....may get a 'draggerupthedriveway' slave too hmmmm, Chandi does that now so I will make a harness.....
Im sure it will be fine
And I will get some bludge time
Shame I'll be drugged to the eyeballs whilst bludging though
Having it at Belmont as the waiting list is better there, mums friend had one there last year and she said they were great, and I had the hysteroscopy there and it was all good too.
Thats that then
Done deal now
Thursday, February 05, 2009
It needs some work and Ive just whacked a few on there for now but it looks better than the silly piczo one I think
Hmmmm, will have to search out the image files.....aaarrrggghhh
Looking forward to lunch if it happens
Shellibelli has bad tonsillitis, pus and stuff in her poor swollen throat and is not well and imbibing antibiotics that will hopefully do the trick for her....
Consequently I forgot to wake the MAD child up to go to school...
So she is home too
I have however made it a condition that she does her Modern History work, with proof at the end of the day for me to peruse.....we will see.
I have been slack and will be starting treadmill regime again on Monday.....I actually felt better when I was doing it, may not wait till Monday....
I am giving fair warning that I may be posting some more 'recovery' related stuff in the near future. It will not be 'aimed' at anyone, but is useful life information that took me a long hard time to learn. It IS truth (as I know it) and it DOES work but it is hard slog and must be LIVED to be effective.
Such is the nature of life....
I do have things to share, and so I will.
Take em or leave em....all a choice
I am off to do the day
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Go here for more...
I would not do that.
I know how hard and long and painful the journey is.
I have walked that road and continue to do so.
I personally found it confusing and confounding and made it as complicated as possible for myself. I have hope that a word or two of mine may help something for someone 'click' into place somewhere along the way sometime. If not, it keeps me on my toes and makes me remember where I came from anyway.
My style of writing tends to be a bit tongue in cheek and I wont apologise for it.
I am WITH you not against you.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
I am not really a waffler so they will be short and to the point I hope.
- A label is a name you call yourself. For example 'an addict'. To call yourself an addict makes you 'an addict'. As an addict/alcoholic I could also choose to call myself a 'recovering addict' but I choose not to. Over 7 'clean' years down the track I am quite well aware of what my addictions did to me and where they came from and in my opinion (which is just that) to continue to call myself an addict in that regard is detrimental to myself. I am Michelle who had a problem with substances and no longer does because she CHOOSES not to. I could, I suppose, call myself 'a person who makes good choices' :) My point here is that by continuing to label oneself as something negetive, one reinforces, constantly, the negetive aspect. By choosing not to do so one empowers oneself instead. Thats how it works for me. Of course, if I was still struggling with the demons I would happily label myself as I would need to do so. I could also, of course, choose to pick up where I left off and use again, but that would be a choice I made, not an uncontrollable behaviour of mine. Same goes for 'abused' and 'victim' and other such labels. So, I am Michelle who used to have a problems with drugs and alcohol and was abused and allowed herself to be a victim. I no longer am any of those things so I choose not to call myself any of them or to identify with them in anyway in my thoughts about myself. That way lies guilt and shame and Im not going there today.....a choice indeed.
- Which brings me to choice. Interesting word/concept yes. A choice is something we make each and every day, in many different circumstances. The outcomes of our choices are the things we have to live with. These are called 'consequences'. Whether we experience positive or negetive consequences is entirely our choice. It is a roundabout circle that we have ABSOLUTE CONTROL over. Too simple really. The human mind likes to confuse us by pretending everything is very complicated when, in fact, it is very very simple. Of course, we can and do make bad choices. These can be called mistakes. The good thing about mistakes is that we have a choice not to repeat them. This is call a learning process and we all go through it. Perpetually. Somebody wise once said that the definition of insanity was to keep doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Hmmmmm
Hot today isn't it
Monday, February 02, 2009
I will take better ones tomorrow
Youngest daughter took her new $200 camera to school today
and someone stepped on her bag
and her camera
so the screen has cracked
and I cant see what setting Im putting it on
and I am not happy about that at all
Ok, thanks Jac, I have fixed them a bit now...still more pink than red though
Thank frik its only once a month
Am a bit blah due to other things that come once a month
Anyhoo, I had a nice day yesterday despite the power being out for half the day due to a tree falling on the whatever that supplies the power to the peninsula here....
Started one, finished (maybe) 3 small ones, and stretched paper onto 2 more frames to be ready for another 2.
I am over being non productive and non artyfarty.....the world out there is overtaking me and I WILL have something to exhibit sometime this year!
I am back.....sort of
Thos feels pretty good.
Im thinking there has been some full on energies lately that are bringing lots of things to a head for lots of people lately.
I would like to assure them that this is necessary and will pass and that life will be different and better afterwards if they can just hang on to their sanities and just get through it. I know this because I am living it....but believe what you will.
I have been living in a 'suspended' state for the past 16 months and am well aware of what this feels like. My secret for getting through it is to just do one day at a time and let the larger picture take care of itself. After a couple of months of this you would see what I mean because life goes on and other people must do what they do regardless and it really has no bearing on us anyway. We are only meant to be doing 'our bit'. Hope that makes sense for someone...:)
It occurred to me recently that just hanging around waiting for the inevitable to happen, and it will, is not getting me anywhere so I need to do stuff for me in the meantime. Even if its only little stuff.....I will still be here afterwards and I will still have to live each day and nothing will change that. So, acceptance and a little joy or peace or distraction thrown in here and there will be a good thing.
I know what I mean anyway...
Meanwhile, I must get month end over with today, so....onwards
Hi ho hi ho.......xxxxxxx