Monday, November 30, 2009

I spy with my big fat I....

I have been out and heard what I needed to hear tonight

I have been out to dinner also........

and for coffee too

I have been hugged

I have spent 3 hours today trying to be organised for one night in town

I have done a last minute chemist run that made me late despite a 3 hour planning.....

I have got a new local (as in lives across the street from mum) doctor (yipee!) and palliative care meds etc sorted for now

I have worked

I have been rained on and frozen my arse off in this stupid weather tonight

I have month end tomorrow :(

I am tired

I am very self centered lately

I need to change this

I..I..I..I..I..I..I..I..I..I..I..I..I..I..I..

am grateful for small things today

like heating in the car

and high beam lights

and windscreen wipers that work

and you

yep, all of you


ah buggerrrrrrr.............

Centering
self
is easy
remembering
to
is
not
:D
snort!


Choose your poison.....


Today I choose to have a happy and productive day

I choose to get things done and to enjoy doing them

I choose to feel good about myself in spite of my current trend to rip me to bits

I choose to put down the boy whenever he pops up

I choose to go with the flow

I choose to live with my eyes wide open

I choose to live......

My life is all about choices and guess what

I get to choose them!


Sunday, November 29, 2009

November evening.........




I have run around like the proverbial blued arsed fly all day......

again

I have had morning coffee at the beach and watched the dust storm blow in

I have done yet another meeting,

I have had a reading...hmmmm

I have been and cooked dinner and fed the hoards, mum even ate it!

Walked the hound down by the water and sang a song or two

I have driven back into town tonight to pick up a sleepless and spewing daughter

I am very very tired of running now, I think I found what I needed.....

she was just me all along

It turned out to be a not so bad day after all......

What a wild month it has been, do you think it will stop now?

Thank you for reading and for caring


Praying for it.....

God, this morning I find myself depressed and oh so restless!

I feel trapped.

Mum is home

She has lost a lot of weight

She is not travelling very well at all....but I knew that didn't I

I must get to acceptance and gratitude......

Really I must, because I want to just get the hell out of here............


Saturday, November 28, 2009

Running on empty........


Sometimes I wonder if we create the storm just so we can run before it?

Last night I went to a meeting and met some people I think will become an important part of my life for the next little while.

This morning I have woken feeling a bit down and rather weary. I think all this internal and external running around has left me a bit tired.

Mum returns today and I find this weighs heavily right this minute.....

There are days when I want to know if I am hiding or if I am being as real as I can and I cannot for the life of me tell the difference.

I think I will go to the beach.......


Currently working on.....

There is a part of me, the 'weller' I get, that wants to hold desperatley on to the angst, the abuse, the memories of pain.

There is a part of me that really really likes being messy and a little bit nuts, there is a part of me that really really wants to pick that up and run with it because then I don't have to do the rest of it, this life stuff, you know, the responsibility and the reality, that stuff.

There is another part of me that is seeing that maybe my life wasn't all that bad and that there were some really good parts interspersed with the rubbish!

Yeah, shock of all shocks, maybe my perception of abuse is changing. Maybe that little me is just growing up past the damn fear and seeing it for the survival technique it was?

Not to say it didn't all happen, just that I see it in a new light I suppose, when I look with my eyes open.

Maybe it just doesn't matter anymore.......

Maybe the part that hangs on, screaming loudly, is doing so because, well, what if I lost my justification?

What if I did all that running and drinking and drugging, all that sick crazy stuff .....all that damned running away for nothing?

God help me, what if I just did it all because I LIKED it?

What if there is a part of me that is hooked on the angst?

What if I create my own misery because it is easier to wallow there than it is to stand up and shout out my own name? Shout out that I am whole and well and capable?

'PICK ME' I could be yelling couldn't I?

What if they did?

What then?

What do you mean they did already????

argh!



Friday, November 27, 2009

Just so I know!




Ummmm, did anybody notice that it has taken me 3 bloody weeks to realise that I am full of fear and wanting to run?

To realise that I am full of fear and wanting to run and yet I am still standing here trying to sort it out?

Do you know that makes me courageous even if I am full of shit???

:D

I have come to the conclusion that inside all of this old angst is a shiny me who is standing still waiting for the rest of me to catch up and that I will actually be just fine.......

I am going to see my father soon, one way or another this has to happen too

My mother comes home tomorrow and I have Palliative Care lined up for first thing Monday morning......she needs more pain relief and poo relief and several other things need sorting, she has gone off food and alcohol and threw up her Sustagen shake yesterday morning. Considering this shake is her main food source we need to sort out nausea too........

I am going to sit down with them, her and Daniel and work out a care timetable of sorts, get us organised a little so we know where we stand and I can see when there are windows to get away and do 'me' stuff.......

I am acknowledging that my little brother is going through this stuff too and is just as much a carer of her as I am......as will be Tahni and my sister and my kids when it is time for all that.

I am NOT alone!

I have taken steps to get Daniel and I into grief counselling asap

I am taking charge again......stuff this fear crap for a not funny joke!!

I acknowledge my fear and I kick it straight in the arse!

I also will continue to work on this me stuff that is coming up......but I choose not to be afraid of it anymore.

Fucking feelings will not kill me!




Thursday, November 26, 2009

Forgiveness feels fine.....




Just when I thought I knew it all, along came you and showed me differently....

There are times, quite often, when I need my head pulling out of my butt

This is not one of them :)

You will just have to bear with me while I work through some stuff here.............


Writing from when I was away....

All I touch here is sadness

Walked a million miles with sand between my toes

I threw you to the wind

All those you’s

Each and every one of you

Who I have loved and left

When the disappointment of life got too much to bear

and you couldn’t carry me

and I didn’t want you to

I threw you all to the wind

But you, damn you

The wind just keeps blowing you back again

I watch the sea roil

And it matches my stomach now

I pick up shells and throw them away for not being perfect

Like I threw all of you,

like you have thrown me

Is that why I am walking here alone now?

I ache here

And I am full to the brim

I need to empty

And I don’t know how

Why don’t you come?

I write your name in the sand

Throwing you into the wind again

And ducking for cover this time

You, all you are is an idea, a concept, a wish....

Me, I gave you far too much power.....

all I touch here is sadness


Was it just us??

seeking oblivion
so obvious now
I run to you from there
my legs go fast, over and over
and here you still are
not there at all
here
seeking oblivion
still


~~~~~~~~~~~

A whole lifetime spent

living an idea of you

your god, your idea of me

and what do I find here


you are me I you


how does this happen you say?

we could ask each other

about seeking oblivion

...an answer?


oh, my father, I have drowned in there before

there are no answers in that spirit

only infinite questions

wrapped, not so prettily, in oblivion

and still the empty remains


I called out to your god-sky and I heard my echo

why why why


It seems to me that the answer may lay just inside my heart

my heart that first broke when you were lost,

all that time ago,

I could never find you again, even

when you were standing right there

screaming "I love you" into my vacant face,

back when I had my blind eyes on


back when I lived in the void,

there were no questions there

and still there was no peace


she was but a catalyst you know,

though a heart breaker to be sure,

for things that needed to be said and done

all the damn band aids in the world wont fix it now


do you remember when we swam in the rain

and it made such perfect sense?







Wednesday, November 25, 2009

eyes wide open....




I am back

a little bit heart broken

a little sunburned, freshly washed in the sea, sand in strange places :D

eyes wide open now......

I have driven for miles and miles, not quite sure where to be.....not wanting to be home, not wanting to be there, not wanting to be anywhere I was really.....

I walked so many miles along the coastline yesterday that my legs just wouldn't go any
further this morning....

so beautiful there, so beautiful and quiet and clean

I swam, I fished, I saw eagles this morning......being chased by crows :D

I sang loudly to the wide open empty, I danced with a pelican in the sand :)

the rain fell

the sun broke through

I was left alone

I was held close tight

I feel more whole now

I wrote your name in the sand and let the tide take you back

I said goodbye to her in a way and realised I need to make amends, or at least to make sure I have done this as best I can, before she dies......whenever that may be

I have looked closely at myself and loved me just the way I am.....

I say to you, you must take me as I AM, or leave me the hell alone.....this needed to be said by me to ME.....

I have seen my own growth and seen where I am stuck.....I have unstuck me a little I think

I have made choices somewhere deep inside. .......to take life as it comes right now, to allow me to be held if I am lonely, to be held up if I am falling down, to fall down if my legs wont hold me, to get back up again, to seek help if I am confused, to say goodbye when I am not really wanted.

All hard, all necessary.......

eyes wide wide open

oh god, and so afraid

time to stop running now


Sunday, November 22, 2009

here go I






My internal dialogue the past few days has been insistant and I feel I have moved some place other than where I was.....

I am no longer confused, just a little shaken by the onslaught

I am fortunate in that I have people to help me see my way through the clouds when they come

Always, always, the right person appears

Always, always, the right thing gets said

Always, always, if my heart is open and my head empty, I am answered

Always, always, will I allow this

In order to allow this I must remain open to possibilities, I must embrace change, I must dance like a dervish, one step ahead of my music....

Leading with my best foot people!

Lisa, thank you for the love

Christopher, thank you for the clarity.....


over and bloody over,
always spinning me
one toe ahead of the music
love still held fast
inside my broken heart,
left wide open
you, falling into me

here, on my knees
inside this rainbow

break me all over again

I laugh and lift my face to the sky, hollering why why why

oh please,
break me all over again

Grace....

here go I



Saturday, November 21, 2009

Gratitude.....really


Thank you my friends, for the love and support you show me here....

It touches me more than you may know.

My animal totem this life is the dragonfly.

I am not sure whether I chose it or it chose me but for me it represents always seeing through 'the illusion'.

The illusion can be a myriad of things can it not.......

For me, my dragonflies help to remind me to keep it real.

Today I am wearing my silver dragonfly earrings that a friend once sent me when I was sad and he saw and he cared......

This week while I am gone I will sort through the illusion of that particular friend, one way or another.....

This needs to happen.....

Today I am packing up stuff to take away tomorrow and I am going into town for lunch, coffee and a meeting. I know I will see the ex at the meeting and I wish I had a bit more choice there but never mind.

He needs to be sorted out too........I will have no illusions going on there thank you very much.

Looks like a week of endings and beginnings doesn't it......



Friday, November 20, 2009

Guess not, damn it.....

I find myself sitting here tonight with nothing to do in particular. I was heading out to a meeting earlier and got as far as the service station for some fuel when I saw what was headed this way......nice storm, big wind, beautiful lightening, but I'm not driving in it....nuh uh

So, yes, I'm sitting here next to my window watching the lightening and trying to put some order into my head......I am still carrying the residue of my recent ...well, whatever it has been, and I would like to just talk with my fingers here to myself, and you, for a while I guess.

Been thinking about patterns and behaviour's, all sorts really, but mine in particular.

I want to get it right this life......I want to get this life right....to me this is the same thing

I have always, always been driven to dive headfirst into stuff and repent at leisure.....I am sick of doing this but I also like my spontaneity and if I had to spend my life planning every move and weighing every consequence I would go fucking nuts I am sure......so I am not actually sick of doing this but I am sick of the consequences.......sigh.....time to CHANGE

Looking at shadow I suppose, the two sides of the coin, the dark and the light.....

Looking at my tendency to play the martyr.....seeing me in this here right now being the damn heroine and putting myself last and 'saving' everyone and not doing any of it very well but doing it regardless. Not being able to save her.......then trying to fix that and STILL playing the martyr by feeling guilty for wanting out......

Looking at me playing the victim here, letting everybody else's stuff weigh me down so heavily that I lose sight of myself in there and have to run around like an idiot to try to save myself from obscurity by trying desperately to find another pair of eyes to see myself with, that and thinking that someone else can save me from drowning in my sorrow..........

Where was this sorrow born? Where did it come from?

Do I indulge my inner victim/martyr by waffling on about abuse and neglect and abandonment and such?

Do I vilify my main abuser, who happens to be the one who I am 'martyring' myself for?? Do I carry on and on about things that cannot be changed ever and that have no real place in my life anymore because they no longer have the power they once did. Do I try to explain myself to you by telling you constantly where I came from and why I am this messy sometimes???

Do I introduce you to my pain and say "See, this is ME, who I am, who is me..."

No, I don't. Not intentionally anyway, I hope I have grown past all that.

I am not my pain, past or present....I am not any of my behaviours or experiences or actions or reactions....

I am not a principle or a rule or a value or a concept....

I am all of these things and none of them........

I am whatever I damn well CHOOSE to be on any given day....at any given moment

That is both the bitch and the joy of it

It is ALL MY CHOICE!

I know I have been here before on this blog, well, here I am again....

I wish I could be oh so very articulate and say things in a way that makes them seem like I know exactly what I am talking about. I wish you didn't seem to think I am stupid......or maybe that is me who thinks that?

You know, I know I can be acting out big time, coming across as whatever but underneath all of that I am sometimes still that frightened kid worried about what if......

What if.....what I loved you and you didn't love me, what if I tried that and couldn't do it, what if I showed you and you didn't see, what if I got it all wrong, said it badly, looked the wrong way???

Well, what if I did???

What if you hurt me???

Well, what if you do.......

How do you live then? How do you live if you are too afraid to step up and take a chance? What if you consider that you might get hurt but you want it anyway? What if you go do it and it all fucks up.....what if it doesn't??? What if it's the best thing you ever did? What if it hurts anyway? Will it be worth it???

Yes.

Yes, it will.

You see, that is me, I don't mind fucking up so much. I do mind not trying to get it right because I am too damn scared of failing.....I spent too many years too scared to try......too scared to speak

Who knows, it might even be the best thing ever....

I don't happen to think that is stupid

I don't really think I am either...

I just call it life and try to live it as best I can most days

Or is that just an excuse for me to go do what ever I feel like and fuck everybody else in the process??

This is all stuff I have done or been accused of doing in the past.....why it is coming up for me now I do not know. Well, maybe I do.

Maybe this is all mother stuff and it is going to get dealt with one way or another right now or else......maybe this is so

Maybe one day I will tell you about my mum on here

I hope when I tell it it is a nice story

If I told you right now it wouldn't be one

Maybe that's where I am really at.....

oh fuck, how did I get here?

I see in this moment that my pain IS me and has been for this last while, that I am hurting.
That my bones ache with it sometimes. And it isn't about another person, it is about me. That me, that little one who had no voice and who wasn't allowed to cry when it damn well hurt.
Who wanted her daddy, who wanted to get saved from the bad thing.........fucking fucking hell.
I hate that this stuff is still in me and that it needs to get out. Again.
That the only way it can get out is by me touching it a little and giving it a voice and letting it go.....well, fucking GO.

I don't want my mother to die.

Yet there were many times I wished her dead.

Now I've said it.

God....

Was that the victim or the martyr?

Or was it just me?


What the storm blows in...




Something is brewing


I can feel it in my bones....


My mother is now staying up in Byron till the end of next week


Hmmmm....


I don't know what it is but it is coming and coming fast.....


I hope it's a good thing and that I like it!


Watch this space.....





Friday on my mind......




Shelli and I were in the local art show last night


Shelli won second prize in her category and it was soooooo cool


There is some encouragement for you hmmmm!


The little miracles that make up life and steer us here, there and everywhere...........


I tried to get a little dressed up and made myself laugh.....one of those dresses that require no bra and then you spend the whole night worrying about falling out of it......


I will show you.....except that the ones with the laughing didn't turn out because, well, I was shaking a bit.....

me after work trying to get my groove on.....snort!

you wanted to see the pendant right?

Lucky I couldn't take a pic of me doing my made up belly dancing routine exercise thing, which totally cracks me up and works out my belly but looks pretty silly and is much fun even though sometimes my legs are jelly when I get off that damn treadmill ":)


It's FRIDAY!


Wooooot, the weekend and I am off on Sunday. I am praying for nice weather, please please please. I will go anyway....you can fish in the rain......


I am feeling much more real these past few days


I think the internal whirlwind is really over, I saw what I needed to see in myself and now I can work on it, be aware, really aware, of how that works in me. I am grateful for that.


I do find myself feeling a little lost.


I don't know what to do next. I want to be doing something, something outside of the stuff I have to do anyway....


I'm pretty sure if I just stand still for 5 minutes it might come and catch me up......


whatever it is


And I have some interesting paintings brewing in my head.......different for me, more me.......something like that


Anyway I am taking some stuff away with me, sketchbook mainly and my conte's and my little watercolour pans.....we will see what happens


Now, I'm off to walk fast and run and dance for a while :D


Have a great day people!






Thursday, November 19, 2009

I am a little whelmed....Not under, not over and not much!

This is my 1,111th post apparently

Or the last one was....am being a little blonde today, duh

Anyway all I was going to do was have a big whinge about how damned bored I am!

It is stinking filthy bloody hot and I am grateful to be sitting in this air-conditioned office I suppose......

Except I'd rather be painting, or fishing or swimming or anything frikking other thing than doing this......

I'd rather be COOKING!

Or running 3 k's on the treadmill and dying a thousand sweaty stinging deaths in 35 minutes all for no weight loss than doing this....

I would rather be home playing with kittens and cleaning up dog hair and mowing my lawn and washing my sheets and towels than doing this....

I have so many things I have not been doing at home lately....such as the above, (mainly because I've been running around with my head up my bum but still).....this is pathetic!

What is this you ask???

A BIG FAT NOTHING!!!!

I am sitting here on my ever increasing arse and doing NOTHING useful what-so-ever and it feels like I am just wasting my life away!

I am grateful....I am....I AM

I WILL BE!!!!

In a minute.....

snort



Oh.....!


"This created some interesting dynamics. Instead of feeling great, for some, it created a massive opening. And when we experience a massive opening, it can create all sorts of wild and crazy feelings, experiences, and emotions. Being that we were already at a new and higher level of residency, going even higher through the portal was equivalent to having experiences many of us had not had for a good ten years.

When we open and expand, we often feel a terrible darkness which is almost unmanageable. Depression, deep emotional pain, massive darkness, and even suicidal tendencies can be felt by those who are unusually sensitive."

Karen Bishop


As usual this lady has told my story 5 minutes after I have lived it and now it all makes sense.

Wow.....


Phew!!!



Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Some kind of crazy......

Artwork by my daughter Shelli......how cool is it!


Time to get really honest with myself here, and because it is here, then you too get to bask in my crap......sorry!

I have been a frantic scrabbling fool

For the last 6 months, not just the last few weeks

I am looking at myself with the blinkers off today and seeing my nuts-ness for it's real and inglorious ummm, realness :)

Aside from being rather totally embarrassing it's also a bit funny......

Some people got hurt in there, me included, so I am entitled to laugh a little

I am not responsible for anyone elses expectations or pain, no other consenting adult's anyway

But really!

What on earth was I thinking?

Obviously not much that was coherent in a real world type of way

Well, not ALL the time no, but a lot of it......

Gawd......

Here's hoping I can move into this next bit of future with a little more dignity and self control.

*Covers face and shakes head slowly......*

Thank goodness it was mostly in my head!!!

Oh, yes, thank god for that!




On turning corners....


The world feels different today....

I wonder why this is?

I have turned a corner of some sort and I tell you this, no matter how much I might want something I am NOT willing to sell myself short to get it.

That means anything!

People or things....

EVER

I would rather go without

so

Bring it on universe!

Just for today I feel full of love and can 'do' this world with ease and grace!

I am praying hard for my friends today.

Namaste people

I love you....




Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Drivel and an update.....

A mother update.....

(considering she is in Byron Bay and I haven't seen her for 12 days.....)

She is not well, not eating much more than a bird, sleeping a very lots and has a swollen lymph gland on her neck. She has constant nausea and aches like a bitch when she is not in actual acute pain.

So, yeah, I think I have a little something to be concerned about, amd this may explain my frantic idiocy of late.

However, I can deal with it now.

I dunno about my little brother though, he is a bit wobbly right now.

He misses his mum.....he has no idea

Life goes on.

Today I am a work

Tomorrow I am a swim, a shop, a lunch out, a coffee with BF and also a picking up a framed Shelli artwork to hang in the Tilligerry Art Show, along with a couple of mine.....

I like tomorrow better

I had to cancel my life drawing for this week and next week, pretty much because my brother needs me tonight and I am away next week. Oh well, I will do the last couple and then enrol for next term.

I have been out a bit too much recently and my kids say they are sick of cooking their own dinner :)

Hee hee......welcome to my world kiddo's!


Monday, November 16, 2009

Almost naked and all that....


Right....

almost a whole 24 hours of sanity has prevailed.....I think I am over it!

Phew.....

*wipes brow* (does not spit)

This has been a wild ride of a week on Michelle's emotional roller coaster.....

Just in case anyone got the wrong idea last post, I AM NOT EVER going anywhere with ex, be it lunch, home or camping.

That is that.

Why ask for the same trouble twice?

Did I just say that?

Snort!

Well, I mean it.

Right now I am watching lightening over the water here.....it is night time and raining a little after a stinking hot day. The breeze is cool and beautiful!

I am so looking forward to Sunday.

Just 3 days please gods!

Not much of an ask?

I have started a new painting, she is very bare bare bones right now but waiting for something.

Bit like me really :)

I wish I was a bit more boney.....I am still rather 'well covered' in spite of my daily grind on the treadmill and stuff.

Maybe I don't wobble quite as much though!

Do you think wobble is okay? Shall I embrace my wobble???

How about cellulite? Frik!

Bodies are funny things. I mean, I am not overly huge, but I feel like an elephant sometimes. Particularly at the beach, of course. Thing is though, I am actually not one of those tiny people and am a 43 year old mother of four and not a 20 year old ....so of course I will have bits that I'd rather not have. Trick for me is to see them as badges of honour I guess, instead of war wounds? Yeah right!

Whatever....

The other day I just stuffed my ipod in my bra-thing went for a walk along the damn beach in my bikini and screw what anyone thought.....I did wear a hat though!

If that jangly dangly old lady could do it then so could I!

Embracing my self......wobble and all.....

sigh



Be careful what you pray for???


The gods are good!


Tahni has rang and can't do December!


So now I get to go THIS Sunday coming!


Only for 3 nights but I will be grateful for that!


Extremely!


Now, pray for sunshine people!
OMG....ex just rang to ask me out to lunch!
Friketty frik the universe is hilarious!
Noooooooooooooooooooo.....................that was definitely NOT it guys!
*wipes brow and spits*



Sunday, November 15, 2009

The day after yesterday.....


I had a really nice day today :)

Drove myself up to Jimmy's Beach and it is really lovely out there

Had a swim or two and got a little bit fried

(with plenty of sunscreen...I'm still peeling from last weeks idiocy!)

Went for a long walk......

Listened to my I-pod....

Booked me in to a grotty little cabin for four days, possibly seven, starting the 4th of December....which is the only time I can get away really as that's when Tahni can come up.

I forgot we were minding my nephew for two weeks soon! Who's idea was that again? Why does my sister get all the holidays and I do all the work?

Well, I guess I've had some time out this last week or so, but it hasn't exactly been a fun fest now has it :D

Oh well, I am okay now.....sad about some stuff yeah, but okay

I can do this stuff, I just needed to remember!

To remember that I can actually do anything I set my mind and heart to.

Including get through this.

I also bumped into my ex last night...that was interesting.
It was good to know that I don't need to go back there and can still be pleased to see him and say hello without being angry or resentful or any of that crap......he did want to take me home though.. ........BIG GIANT SNORTY SNORT!

I was talking to someone tonight about the past and it brought home to me how very very far I have come in the last few years. I needed to remember that too, because I was starting to think I was right back where I started some moments there this week.

I am grateful for this day......I needed it

My gut doesn't hurt anymore......

My heart aches though

Some people are really hard to let go of....

Especially when I don't want to...

and I don't understand why

Guess I don't have to

Damn that

Sigh


Saturday, November 14, 2009

Just so you know........



I am feeling very much more myself now

I hope that stays around for a while :)

Am kissing goodbye to couple of dreams today I think, damn it

I don't really know how to do this stuff, I just do my best

I tell the truth

MY truth

ALL of the time

I made a deal with me once to do that, it saves my life and I recommend it to anyone

Lies, mine or yours, are too hard to keep up with and do my fucking head right in

If I say something to you, you can be pretty damn sure I mean it

From my heart...
I appreciate the same in return, demand it even....

If you don't like it or it scares you that is really not my problem, it's yours

Today I am going into town to the beach

Tomorrow I am driving up the coast a little to Jimmy's Beach

I am looking forward to sand and water and sun

That's all I dare to think about right now

Just for today I am taking care of me

It's all I can do....






Friday, November 13, 2009

Damn....

Sorry for all the many posts....

no I'm not actually, my damn blog!

I am up to this now.....

a little clarity perhaps

16 weeks ago I gave up smoking.

I had been smoking, heavily, for 20 years.

Smoking is a stress reliever in that it helps you to 'stuff' your feelings.

I have lots of feelings that have been stuffed one way or another over the years and this was maybe their last stand!

Please let it never be this intense again!

I have been running around, mentally anyway, like a headless chook looking for something, ANYTHING, to stuff these feelings back in where I am comfortable with them.

A behaviour will do.

Any behaviour.

Why not neediness?

Why not insecurity?

Why not fear?

Why not sadness and grief?

I have carried them all in abundance in the past.

I have spent 8 years of my life trying to let go of them and all of a sudden the dregs of them, or perhaps the bulk of them, are wooshing up to the surface to be released.

I have had enough now okay?

No more.

I'm sorry if you got caught in my backlash......

I really really am

I didn't mean it.

You think it could be that simple?

Was it so bad to want to be held?

I am truly sad now because I think I have scared someone I care about away.

I hope not.

I have a plan.

My plan is to pull my head in for a while.

I am driving up the coast on Sunday to check out a caravan park at a little beach someone told me about. If I like it I am booking me in there for a week at the end of this month. I plan to sit on that beach and just relax for a week. I will do whatever I please, which will likely be nothing but eat and walk and maybe fish and swim. I will let me come back to me because I have been very far away for a few months now.

In the meantime, I am not going to be going out with anyone.

Or looking for anyone to go out with.

Or ringing anyone I want to see.

I am waiting.

I will wait and see what happens.

I will wait and I will do my mother and my kids and myself.

If something is meant to be, it will be, regardless of any messing around I do with it.

Letting go with gratitude and, hopefully, grace.

Time to wake up now....

I really have had enough.

This shit hurts too much.


On disregarding me.....

I have come to the conclusion that I am perfectly aware that I am driving MYSELF to distraction here...

The bit I am unsure of is why?

Why the hell have I suddenly turned into Madam Lashmyself, bent on hurting me?

What did I ever do to deserve that?

Why am I feeling like I will not survive another minute without someone to hold my hand?

Why am I so fucking worried about what someone else thinks??

Why am I planning things in my head that are totally not based on reality or even anything that anybody ever even said?

Why??

I know SO much better than this.

Is it fear?

What am I afraid of?

Being alone?

Hello Michelle, you ARE alone. You have been alone for quite some time now and you manage just fine. It is only your head that would have you believe differently.....

Fear?

Fear of not being able to deal with all this by myself?

Well, I already am aren't I????

That I am not strong enough????

PFT!

Not good enough??

Triple PFT!

I was talking to my friend the other day, you know her, she would be Natalie.......and we were discussing the good stuff about me. The fact that I am actually not bad looking, have a reasonably decent body, that is getting decent-er as I work on it now......I am intelligent, honest, talented, compassionate, loving and, if anyone needs to know, oh, never mind :)

My kids are almost grown, I am not looking for someone to rear them, or to look after me. I can do that myself!

I would like a companion, some one to play with, dance with, do dinner with, fish with, camp with, talk to, touch. All that stuff. In the little time I have to do such stuff with right now. Of course I would. But I don't think I will die with out him.

I am actually pretty damn fussy when it comes to men. I dont just like any one!

I want the RIGHT one, or none at all.

So, what the fuck is this all about??

Do I think I am going to miss the boat if I don't have it all right now???

What is IT anyway???

A man?

A cuddle?

Sex???

What is my fucking PROBLEM???

I am running purely on fear here, that's what.

My gut hurts....and I could really use a damn hug.

Better grow my arms long huh!



Don't touch me like that unless you mean it.....


Today I work

Tomorrow I work

Next week I can have some time off work, and no doubt my mother will return

This weekend I want to sort a little bit of stuff out for my own peace of mind

While I have the chance........

To figure out if I can handle this waiting game and what it is that I actually want

I would really really like some peace of mind that lasts for longer than three minutes here

I don't like being confused and uncertain
I am not asking for much

What do I want??

I want a little island of peace to row to sometimes

What the fuck is wrong with that?
LATER:
I have been so unhappy today that I am forced to take a good long look at me.
Week after next I am going away, I am going to sit on a beach, and I am going to think and feel and sort out my head.
I will figure out how to row my own boat.
I bloody well will!
Watch this space!