Thursday, May 27, 2010

the next bit...

Well, I have decided that it time to start this tattoo caper.....this could be fun

I have also been working on some arty type things, pen and ink really, stuff that I would like to maybe turn into custom type tattoos maybe one of these days, when I have a willing victim :)

K has kindly turned some space over to me so I can set up an area to paint in....thank god because I was going mad there

Now I just have to push through the fear.....I am good at that aren't I?


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

For goodness sake.....

When did I start to let my head rule my heart?

I seem to be in a place where I have worst case scenarios running through my head and instead of trusting in myself, my experience and my higher power I am just running on what if's....

and yeah, it is driving me crazy :)

Soooooo........I ask myself why, when I have already made these decisions and I am actually satisfied with the consequences of them so far, why do I start to doubt myself, my intuition and even my dream? What is that all about???

Not really relevant, yet maybe it is in a way, is that I had a counselling appointment with Shelli today. She made a very grown up decision to start therapy with a really nice lady and I think she was pleasantly surprised by the progress she has made over the past year. I forget, as did she, that when we are smack bang in the middle of stuff it can be really hard to see how far you have come, how much you have grown and how well you have done to get to the place where you actually are. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy....maybe I need me some of that?

Me, I am afraid I guess. So afraid of fucking up this thing I have, that I am paralyzing myself. I am not referring to anything or one in particular, just everything really. My past history has shown me that I can make some really bad judgements of character, but in hindsight they were all lessons that needed to be learned, it's just that I got burned, every time. I'm a bit over scars....

It is all so different now, and things have changed to the point where I don't recognise anything but mine and a select few faces in the did that all happen so fast and why aren't I trusting myself?

I suppose that when you make a decision to trust, and I mean really trust, then you also leave yourself open to hurt, major pain type hurt, and self preservation is an instinct deeply built in to this black ducks maybe I just need to stop being paranoid and take things at face value?

Just enjoy it all while it is here and do my best to live it well?

Another damned leap of faith???

Yeah....that might be it.

Monday, May 10, 2010


Well, we survived Mothers Day

I feel my mother around me at times and she feels quite pleased with herself........makes sense to me. She feels quite pleased with me too.....:)

As do I most usually

I am contemplating study, as in doing Open Foundation at Uni next semester then possibly spending three years studying nursing......because I can earn money as a nurse, decent money and I don't have to be evicting people and chasing rent money and other such things, I'd rather clean up vomit......sigh

I did say CONTEMPLATING......for now

I can't see me paying a mortgage with what I could earn as an artist here in Newcastle......that way most likely leads to starvation

I am not entirely sure about nursing but I think I could do it and do it well......


Thursday, May 06, 2010


When did I ever find time to bloody blog??????