The Truth as I know It

2011-05-30T18:33:00.000+10:00

2011-04-04T19:48:00.000+10:00

la de dah dah......

2011-04-01T18:36:00.002+11:00

I enjoyed my colour today

It's been a while

2011-03-23T10:58:00.002+11:00

How do I feel?

Abandoned actually.....

Abandoned by my art.....

Abandoned by my friends......

Abandoned by my family......

Abandoned by my mother......

Kind of weird really because I am still here for all of you.....

as always

Maybe it's my turn to be the victim for a change?

Just sayin'.....

PFT....

Maybe it's just time to see things clearly.

It's been a year now....

2011-01-28T10:15:00.001+11:00

I don't think I wrote about the day my mum died last year.

I don't think I have written very much since then either, really.....

It has been a wild and woolly year in a lot of ways

Grief is a funny thing and WILL be processed no matter how much you think you are avoiding it

So I have found....

On the night of January the 27th last year I was laying on my bed talking to Ken, we were just talking about random stuff, and about mum I think....anyway all of a sudden I remember sitting bolt upright and telling him it was time for me to go, I had to go to mums place and stay that night.....so, I did

I got there and my sister was freaking out a little and mum was up and in the bathroom, sitting on top of the toilet. She was in a very disorientated state and also in a lot of pain. I remember her looking into the corner of the room and saying to the 'empty' air, "Okay, I've had enough of this, get me out of here".

Somehow, with difficulty, I managed to get her to take her pain med's and eventually she went to sleep. I slept in bed with her that night, my sister was just outside the door.

In the morning of the 28th we got the doctor over as she was very agitated, not 'with it' and couldn't get her med's down. He gave her a shot of morphine and palliative care came over and put her on a morphine drip.

She only woke to tell us to get Robert, the kids 'dad' and to recognise Shelli when she came....

Not long after that she died.

We were all there in the room with her, we all told her it was okay to go.

Just before she went I felt a huge energy enter the room. I remember I said "they're here".....my unconscious mum opened her eyes and looked up into the right hand corner of the room. It was a look of wonder on her face and a tear rolled down her cheek.

Then she took her last breath.

It was an amazing experience.

There have been many many times this last year when I have missed my mother. But I don't wish her back. Not to that pain and misery she was living.

I feel her around me sometimes and I will never forget her.

In my time caring for my mother this blog kept me sane. Through this blog I met the lovely Renee, Daria and Barry. All three of these wonderful people have died from cancer this past year. Daria just last week.

Cancer is a bastard of a thing. It truly is.

It steals people from us under awful conditions and yet, how we grow in that process.

Not saying I am grateful mind you, just observing.

Anyway.....it's a new year now.

Onwards....

A glad tiding....

2010-12-07T20:02:00.003+11:00

I have a hard time focusing these days.....

that is not really okay but I am trying to accept that this is where I am at for now....

Good news is that Shelli is currently OFF meds and feeling like a 'normal' human being after a very long time of probable over medication and a long spiral downwards. Early days yet but we shall see.....

Amazing what can come about from an insistence on medication change, several rude nurses and a lot of determination ain't it.

Sometimes little miracles happen.

Yes they do....

just so you know

2010-11-12T17:26:00.002+11:00

Well, not too much to report really

I survived K going away for two nights LOL

I got sunburned at the beach today, the beach that I am going to regardless of how revolting I look in my swimmers!

I went to the gym too, to combat said issue, but fear I should have started a year ago......oh, hang on, I DID DO THAT......so, why did I stop?

Life goes on...

True Blood is addictive....

sigh

I will get more interesting one of these days

or maybe not

Have a good one people

ah

2010-11-08T13:44:00.002+11:00

I am a boiling pot of emotion created by my own sense of powerlessness and as such need to recognise that I can change and control only what pertains to myself.

As for the rest, if I keep it all in the day, and in this day only, it needn't seem so overwhelming.

I can do this

I have to

I need my sanity!

I have been to the beach, soaked up some sun and gotten to gratitude for the things and people in my life.

One at a time ...LOL

gritting teeth

2010-11-06T16:28:00.004+11:00

Still furious.....

working on accepting that my life is surrounded by chaos for now and trying to get motivated to find some peace on the INSIDE

hah

not holding my farking breath though

every little thing is rubbing me raw right now

argh

OS I washed the car just before it rained

*giggles hysterically whilst kicking small animals*

GRRRRRRRRRR

2010-11-05T14:55:00.002+11:00

Yeah okay

SO I went to the gym and I started getting organised.....

now I am furious!

Organised my ARSE!

There is not ONE THING in my life that is organised at the moment.

My house is half finished everywhere I look...my life is a FUCKING MESS that I can't clean up by myself. I am so frustrated with it all it's making me depressed.

AND the rain can just bloody well PISS OFF!

Grrrrrrr

2010-11-04T17:28:00.002+11:00

You know, I sit here sometimes and I try to work it all out in my head.

Yeah..... Oh oh

I try to find the 'solution' for all the varying people in my life and their problems and then, eventually, I remember that I am the only one I can actually do anything about. In a practical sense. My expectations are my downfall or my joy, depending on how realistically I set them.

I am trying to pass this knowing along right now, to a few people in my life, and it is funny (not haha) how difficult some people make it for themselves.

My life right now is affected by those around me and their varying problems. This is frustrating, to say the least, and very not least because I can't find the energy to get out of my own road so I frustrate myself.

Tomorrow I will make an effort to do some things I keep putting off. Like exercise and organising my space. Next week, my aim is to stay home long enough to start a painting.

Or if not that, then to pick up the renovations again.

Or bath the dogs and wash the car....

There are things that need doing and I know I will feel better when I start doing them.......

argh

2010-11-02T14:32:00.002+11:00

I don't know that it was ever real

but it is gone

so I miss it

that safe place

that was supposed to be you

where to run to now

when I am running from you

if not to you

paradox?

perhaps

relevant even so

2010-11-01T13:25:00.002+11:00

It appears I am here....

Hmmmm....

Seems there are only so many games of Bejewelled Blitz I can stand to play and only so many days I can procrastinate on going about life for and also maybe only so many thoughts I can keep inside one little head without exploding.

I love my family and I love my K .....but this is not enough and it is also all too much. That doesn't make any sense I know, but that's how it is.

I am overwhelmed, underwhelmed and lacking any impetus to move my feet forward at the moment.

I am floundering here inside me or I woud be if I had the energy to flounder.

And I don't know why.

And I don't like it.

I am also sick of whinging.

sigh

RIP

2010-07-22T09:37:00.002+10:00

Fly high and far Barry

You lived a good life

and fought with grace and courage

You will be missed here too

the freezing off of the proverbial arse....

2010-06-30T08:47:00.004+10:00

Oh my god, it is so bloody cold here this week!

I am having to wear so many layers of clothing I feel like a sausage roll....when K and I went out on the Harley the other day I had so many layers of clothes on I couldn't bloody breathe...erk

This morning I have a man installing a new instantaneous hot water service.......yay for big HOT baths! but boo hiss for turning the gas off and the water so I have no heat for two hours when it is practically snowing on the doorstep.....:(

( I may be exaggerating a LITTLE....)

The concrete slab that all was depending on has finally been poured and soon the builder will build me some more house. This will be good as one of these days I will no longer feel this refugee type status that I have right now. That plus a dining table to eat at and (ahem) paint on will be nice....not to mention a back door and a yard to throw the farking dog into.

Mum's house sale settles today and .....surprise surprise....the bank has charged a million dollars interest and there is JUST enough money to pay all the debts with none left over....sigh.

It's funny isn't it, how some people just come into your life and move into a spot that had been waiting for them and you never even knew it.....that's what my relationship with my K feels like....coming home.

I like it like that :)

BTW the pic is of Kayla's birthday cake lololol

the good, the bad and the downright ugly.....

2010-06-29T17:13:00.001+10:00

I am wondering what my next step is...really. I feel, well, I don't really know how I feel. Like I'm just standing here while life moves around me or something. I am cranky and sad and accepting of that. I want to work but not if I have to work...lol. I want to paint but am finding it too hard to start something. I want to do stuff to my house but can't quite find the energy or the inspiration (or the literal space) right now.

So, a bit perversly I suppose, I am very very happy in my relationship with K and with most of the external stuff in my life, but not so satisfied with my internal landscape. Not this week anyway.

I am a bit stuck and am picking at the edge of the glue to see how to undo it and I guess I am okay with that 90% of the time. The other 10% I just want to crawl under a rock and play dead. This feels a bit like depression.....I barely hold it off with a blue sword some days.

I feel a bit disconnected and a bit like going to bed and not bothering to get up till summer. It's fucking cold right now and I don't do cold very well. I don't feel like I am doing anything particularly well right now.

I assume this will change.

Soon please.

I am sick of my own whinging.

*******

I wrote that yesterday....now it is Tuesday and I, of course, am in a different space again.

These things are still underlaying but not overwhelming.

I am not alone and I don't have to do it all at once or all by myself.

I am blessed.

Truth :)

How excitement!

2010-06-10T17:08:00.003+10:00

You see this big shiny bling????

It is mine.....

Yep.....

I am now engaged to be married to the very best of men

How blessed am I!

juz thinkin' about life and shit.....

2010-06-01T09:16:00.004+10:00

I guess when I was sitting in a too quiet office all day I had plenty of time to write and to think and to play around in my head. In hindsight, while that was nice in some ways, in lots of other ways it really wasn't good for me at all......

Balance

Life seems to be all about achieving some sort of balance in so many different areas.....

I feel like I am coming out of the fog I have been in for the....well, since just before mum died really I guess. Like the world, MY world, is getting real for me again and like I am participating instead of just observing......sort of

I find myself wondering what all the fuss is about. Life just seems to be so fucking intense sometimes but in general, when you take away petty dramas, it really isn't all that hard. It's just about doing....one foot in front of the other, sometimes a little dance, plod along steadily.....then a little dance again......sigh......I begin to see that most dramas are created by bored people.

I see that so many of us create crap to deflect eyes away from ourselves, so scared that someone might actually see who we really are, so scared that that won't be good enough, big/small/rich/smart/thin...whatever enough.

That is sad.

All that potential going to waste through a perception based on fear.

Thing about fear is you just have to move through it.....

the next bit...

2010-05-27T09:04:00.004+10:00

Well, I have decided that it time to start this tattoo caper.....this could be fun

I have also been working on some arty type things, pen and ink really, stuff that I would like to maybe turn into custom type tattoos maybe one of these days, when I have a willing victim :)

K has kindly turned some space over to me so I can set up an area to paint in....thank god because I was going mad there

Now I just have to push through the fear.....I am good at that aren't I?

arghhhhh

For goodness sake.....

2010-05-19T16:15:00.002+10:00

When did I start to let my head rule my heart?

I seem to be in a place where I have worst case scenarios running through my head and instead of trusting in myself, my experience and my higher power I am just running on what if's....

and yeah, it is driving me crazy :)

Soooooo........I ask myself why, when I have already made these decisions and I am actually satisfied with the consequences of them so far, why do I start to doubt myself, my intuition and even my dream? What is that all about???

Not really relevant, yet maybe it is in a way, is that I had a counselling appointment with Shelli today. She made a very grown up decision to start therapy with a really nice lady and I think she was pleasantly surprised by the progress she has made over the past year. I forget, as did she, that when we are smack bang in the middle of stuff it can be really hard to see how far you have come, how much you have grown and how well you have done to get to the place where you actually are. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy....maybe I need me some of that?

Me, I am afraid I guess. So afraid of fucking up this thing I have, that I am paralyzing myself. I am not referring to anything or one in particular, just everything really. My past history has shown me that I can make some really bad judgements of character, but in hindsight they were all lessons that needed to be learned, it's just that I got burned, every time. I'm a bit over scars....

It is all so different now, and things have changed to the point where I don't recognise anything but mine and a select few faces in the story.....how did that all happen so fast and why aren't I trusting myself?

I suppose that when you make a decision to trust, and I mean really trust, then you also leave yourself open to hurt, major pain type hurt, and self preservation is an instinct deeply built in to this black ducks wiring.....so maybe I just need to stop being paranoid and take things at face value?

Just enjoy it all while it is here and do my best to live it well?

Another damned leap of faith???

Yeah....that might be it.

hmmmmm

2010-05-10T09:20:00.002+10:00

Well, we survived Mothers Day

I feel my mother around me at times and she feels quite pleased with herself........makes sense to me. She feels quite pleased with me too.....:)

As do I most usually

I am contemplating study, as in doing Open Foundation at Uni next semester then possibly spending three years studying nursing......because I can earn money as a nurse, decent money and I don't have to be evicting people and chasing rent money and other such things, I'd rather clean up vomit......sigh

I did say CONTEMPLATING......for now

I can't see me paying a mortgage with what I could earn as an artist here in Newcastle......that way most likely leads to starvation

I am not entirely sure about nursing but I think I could do it and do it well......

hmmmmm

bloody....

2010-05-06T15:49:00.001+10:00

When did I ever find time to bloody blog??????

grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Mundanities.....it IS SO a word!

2010-04-30T09:37:00.003+10:00

My my my....

So far I have been blasted out of bed three times, once by coco pops...yeah go figure

I am looking forward to coffee with befri in a place where there are no alarms or phones or cocopop munching maniacs......

My damn cursor is having a spazz attack ths morning and I have 7 million phone calls to continue to procrastinate about sooooooooo......

Have a good one people

Later I shall dig holes for 7 or so posts.....well, I will watch anyway!

Yawnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Stuff.....

2010-04-27T20:04:00.003+10:00

Well...here I be

Still busy, but in a good way

I have been moving and renovating and painting (walls) and getting my kids settled back in town and other such important things.

I have been loving and being well loved and settling into this new bit of my journey through this life here at earth school.......I think I will like this bit actually, it is starting to feel like I might belong here.

My state of mind has been all over the place for the past few months and quite foggy at times too. My emotions have been numb and also in overdrive and my heart took a step back for a while just to check out the situation and make sure I really wanted to be in it.....and I do, no doubt about that at all. I learned that a part of the grief 'process' is called 'emotional chaos' which I found quite amusing and very apt as I am existing in this state of being about 70% of the time. This is all okay, it is part of the so called process and I am okay with just letting it be and living it till it has passed on to the next bit.

My mother is in the boot of my car at the moment, awaiting a decision being made about what to do with her ashes.

She doesn't mind being there :)

I have moments where I miss her intensely and other hours where I don't think of her at all. I feel okay about that too. My kids are going through their own grieving processes, as are Daniel and my other siblings.

I think the most disconcerting thing is that I am no longer 'needed' in the same desperate way as I have been the past few years. I am adjusting to that. To the knowledge that the world keeps on turning and I don't actually have to be driving it anymore......it is weird and I don't really know quite what to do with myself.

So, busy is a blessing for now.

I have faith that when the time is right, the next thing will show up. It always does.

Life goes on, inevitably.

My Befri is home from hospital and got better in spite of me not showing up very much......the world also continues to turn, with or without me. Hrmph.......

Council has finally approved the deck and so now the fun begins on a new level on home front. Builders and no back steps and concrete slabs and other such stuff..........sigh

What an adventure life is......I need to remember that!

smoooooch

2010-04-25T17:03:00.001+10:00

Hello????

I am back online but pretty damn busy.

However, my state of mind tells me that I need to get back to some of the things that keep me grounded and half way sane so, seeings as blogging is one of those things, I guess I will try to find time to do it.....

Besides, I miss you guys.

Watch this space, I will be back soon!

xxxx

soooo.........

2010-04-05T19:19:00.001+10:00

Just in case anyone notices I am gone I am letting you know I will have no internet for anywhere up to a couple of weeks.....moving tomorrow and even my fingers hurt

That is all......xxx

Me????

2010-03-30T19:36:00.004+11:00

Apparently I have to speak a wish into existence so here I go.....

I wish to earn a good and decent living by using my creativity and my artistic talent and doing something I LOVE.

That is all :)

I am PACKING to move into the other thing I seem to have manifested recently :)

Note to self......must get out of own road.

PS: I have decided to stop being a fuzzy headed moron, it isn't my style and I really need to get back to some exercise, my arse is HUGE!

Now that is really all.....:)

Ready, set, gooooooooo...........

2010-03-29T07:53:00.002+11:00

I am far too bloody confused and busy to be blogging my mind right now.

Well, not confused as such, lets just say mind fogged?

Overwhelmed with no energy in reserve for thinking straight?

Ummmmm.........oh, who cares anyway.

I am busy....

I will be back when I am not so busy....

Is this lurve....is this lurve that I'm feelin'.....

2010-03-21T21:06:00.002+11:00

I've decided that it doesn't actually matter where my head is at right now because I am operating out of my heart anyway :)

In about a week and a half I am going to be going into overdrive and getting extremely busy renovating and moving into a new house.....simultaneously.....argh

This week I am supposed to be packing up everything that can be packed and possibly trailered over to K's garage, because I will only have half a house to begin with....

It's kind of hilarious actually....

sigh

I am blessed am I not?

I have somewhere to live that will be mine for the first time in my entire life. I find that disconcerting! I may even be starting to feel a little excited!

We did go and buy an antique dresser for the half a kitchen and an antique-y washstand/vanity for our bedroom that is currently a garage.....there IS a plan here to have a bedroom ready asap!

And we are just waiting for council approval to finally happen on the revised plans for the deck/other half of the house.....snort.

Ahhhh, my life is fun. Really! I spent a large part of this weekend on the back of a big black Harley Davidson riding around in the sunshine and having some fun with the guy I love. How can I complain? I need to remind myself that my life is just an experience. An adventure even! How awesome is it that I have all these blessings?

I have two more young girls I hope to form some sort of nice relationship with eventually. My K has two daughters and my hope is that we all get to be good friends, his kids, my kids, we two grown ups. I don't expect to have to be mum to them, they have a mum, I don't expect K to have to be dad to mine, they don't need that. If we can all manage to respect and care about and for each other to some degree then life will be sweet. This move will hopefully be the first step in facillitating this stuff. Distance has been difficult. There haven't been too many nights I have had to spend alone in the past four months and this has required a lot of travel and running around and some mixed emotions as well on the part of the kids who may be feeling left out, whichever lot that may be at the time. I know this will all settle down and become something else once we are all close by. Time will tell how that goes and I just hand it all up to my 'god' to look after. If I think about it too much my head caves in!

All I know for sure right now is that I love this man. I love to be with him, I love the way he makes me feel inside, like a woman and a kid and a damn goddess too, I love feeling cared for and about and I love caring for and about him. I love the way he calls me Midge and the Babe, the way he throw his head back and laughs like a loony and smiles with his eyes. The way he runs around like a maniac, head down and full tilt and I love the way he holds my hand all the time and rings me 100 times a day. I love it that he is passionate about stuff and does it even though it hurts him sometimes, that he thinks his daughters are princesses even though they drive him to despair sometimes, that he thinks I deserve the best. I love that stuff. And a whole lot more. I love the way he loves me. Fullstop. So, I'm jumping in here feet first I guess, because I choose to trust my heart. And I would rather love a whole lot and risk getting hurt, than not love out of fear and miss out on a whole lot of beauty for the sake of an imagined fear.

I choose love. I never want to not choose love. Having said that, I am also no idiot. My eyes are wide open. Now.....onto the rest of life

I did my first tattoo this week! I did okay and can see me doing better. By the end of a couple of hours I felt I could handle the gun okay. Now I guess it's a matter of practice and seeing things in a way that allows for the medium. Hmmmmm.......I have seen some wonderful tattoos in my researching lately, I hope I can get that good one day. I hope I can be good enough that I can make a bit of money out of this on a regular basis. That'd be cool.

I am grateful today. For choices, for love, for free will and for you.

Yes, you :)

Have a good one people, take care of you and yours.

Stuff about stuff...

2010-03-18T21:16:00.004+11:00

Life can be challenging can it not?

I find myself in a place where I am examining everything and if it isn't important to me or mine then it can basically get fucked.

I have learned over the past year or so that sometimes the people and things you think are your backbone are actually just full of shit and when the shit hits the fan the shit goes running. That's life I guess.

I have just visited my best friend in the psych ward, due to her depression finally getting the better of her in spite of the most valiant effort by her to not let it do this. I have had to watch this woman get so low that she almost checked out of here and I, as well as a few other friends, have had to watch her spiral down and just hold her hand while she did what she needed to. I am saddened by this but also grateful that she is now down so low that the only way out is up now.

I used to be really angry with some people who I thought were our friends and part of my support system and hers as well, but that is just a waste of energy. Energy I don't have right now.

Some people want what you have so badly that they will just take it. Weird isn't it.

As for me? How am I? Well, I am up and I am down. I am very very happy in my personal life. I have a good man in my life who treats me well and who loves me.

Perversely, I am also feeling kind of depressed and a bit stressed out and that is understandable I suppose, given all the different stressors I am experiencing or have experienced recently in my life.

I am feeling a bit less than confident for some reason. Doubting myself and my capabilities. Doubting my self, full stop. I don't like it.

I was talking to Munchoman this morning and he pointed out to me that I have let my 'routine' lapse lately, that I have stopped exercising, haven't been writing or blogging, which has always helped me to reflect on where I am at, I haven't been to the beach and I haven't been practicing my art, which centres me. And he is so right. I haven't been doing any of the stuff that makes me me and then I wonder why I feel so far away from myself. I have just been running around trying to avoid sitting down and feeling sad stuff I suppose. I can do the happy but the sad is what kills me. I don't like sad. I never have and i AM SO DAMN SICK OF SAD.

I am about to get really busy now and life will be full of stuff. I am moving into a new house, that I am going to be buying, with this man I plan on spending the rest of forever with.

This is all fast and big and exciting and scary too.

I don't have a job and I will need one sooner or later. That is scary too. I don't have a clue what I really want to do to earn money. I would like to go get qualified for something but I don't know what. I could probably swing it, financially, that I could do some sort of study, but what? I guess I should just try to have some faith that I will know what to do when the right time comes. But sometimes that doesn't feel like it's enough you know? Sometimes I feel like I don't know anything and that I deserve to be nothing, have nothing and that isn't right. I deserve the best. The very best I can possibly imagine. And you know, that, for me, isn't all about money and things, though money and things are nice and I like them, for me, the best is about the people I have around me. It's about knowing my children are on the right track and that the people I love in my heart are okay and happy. That they know that I love them and that I do my best for them. If I am doing my best I can't be doing any better can I??? I just want to know, here in my heart, that it's all real. Honest and real.

I figured out a while ago that if I have honest and real and if my life is based around those two things then everything is okay, regardless of anything else. Sometimes honest and real isn't pretty and sometimes it hurts. But it gets balanced out by those other times when you just know, in your heart and your gut, that you are in EXACTLY the right place.

And I am. In spite of my messy at times head I know that I am doing the right thing. I am not always ecstatic here, I am not always smiling, but I am happy and I am satisfied that this is right. I can't ask for more than that right now. I trust what my heart tells me and that feels good.

I like it like that.

Frug!

2010-03-17T17:12:00.002+11:00

I am excited, grateful and a little bit crazy :)

So, what else is new.....

I have a vacate date for the new house and it is only a couple of weeks away....thus I must pack!

I must also purchase many things like paint and paint and paint and floors and stuff and paint too.....

I must move a big house full of crap into a little house, this should be fun

*grins madly*

I better get a quote from a removalist so I can have a heart attack....

I'd better throw out lots more crap.....

Hey MunchoMan! I need our deck!

NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

ahem....

*grins and cackles like a maniac*

Life on life's terms...

2010-03-11T19:26:00.002+11:00

I'm finding it hard to concentrate just lately. Actually, I think this has been going on for a while but I was just too busy to notice. I guess it's due to stress????

I am so over waiting for things to happen. I would like to have a situation where I can just get stuck into it and it gets done you know?

As it is it seems that every single damn thing in my life at the moment is taking it's own sweet time to happen, regardless of what I want or think I need.....sound familiar??

Powerless.....I hate powerless, but I am trying not to let it get on top of me. I just want out of here!

I want to be working on stuff that means something to me. To be building a new life filled with things that are important to me and to mine and to be moving in a direction away from this here. This here is a sad place, at times a mad place.

Limbo, I am in limbo and I fucking well hate it.

I want to be excited about stuff but something inside me holds me back.

Today I had a huge attack of the 'I'm not good enoughs'.......not good enough to get a job, to have the things I want, to have the relationship I want, I can sometimes get in this mood where I question the validity of everything I know in my heart to be true.

I question my own reality and could easily throw myself away in a moment if I let myself go there.....it's scary sometimes, to be me.

I question the truth in what I am told, I question the decisions I make based on my intuition rather than my head, I question the people who love me.....I don't want to do that. I don't like the little army that gets in my head some days.....that army is out to get me.

Today I feel very very sad and angry and a bit lonely. Which is silly really. I don't much like being alone right now and I can't seem to sit still and just be......I kind of miss that but I figure I will get back to it eventually.

I think I am actually quite stressed and also perhaps a bit depressed. I feel kinda heavy and dull around the edges and I can't seem to get motivated to do the things I used to like to do. I know this will pass and I am confident that everything will work out, 95 percent of the time, the other 5 percent can be fairly unpleasant right now. It will pass, I know this.

Slowly but surely my mothers affairs are getting sorted out. We have accepted an offer on the house and other financial matters are being sorted out. Not as quickly as I would like but what else is new?

I am embarking on a new life adventure soon and will be moving back into town, into a house with my man and so, into a whole new situation. I do this with my eyes wide open and am looking forward to it, most of the time. I get a little wobbly sometimes, because it is daunting as well as exciting and part of me would just like some peace and quiet for a long long while.

I find it interesting at times to sit back and watch me try to sabotage myself. And I also find it interesting that I can't be bothered playing games anymore. There are some situations in my life right now that, if I chose to buy into them, could do my head right in. But they really are nothing to do with me and the people involved in them are not who I want to be giving my energy to, ever. So, I try to choose not to. Going back to the fellowship has definitely been an experience for me. I don't really like it much actually. I am grateful for it, but it can be a very sick little place too. I need to be aware of that and not let me be dragged into dramas that other people create so they don't have to look at themselves.

I don't really know why I am rambling on, just trying to get it out of me I suppose.

It's my 44th birthday this coming Sunday and I don't care. I just do not care. I am powerless over grey hair and wrinkly bits too.

I just want a deck dammit....

Sigh.....

Truth and lies....

2010-03-08T20:55:00.001+11:00

I always suspected

that the pillow you laid

beneath my aching head

would crumble

into a thousand dusty feathers

one day

Yet I open myself wide anyway

here, beneath you

I lay the bare bones of me

hidden under these musty layers

my soul shines here

the very truth of me

if you care to see

Just for today

I am seduced

by a dream

I choose to believe....

Fuck cancer...

2010-03-08T08:03:00.002+11:00

For

the laughter

the tears

the joy

the honesty

the love

Thank you Renee

I will miss you

Fuck cancer

just fuck it

Ten things....

2010-03-04T07:49:00.003+11:00

Ten things you may or may not want to know about me......

I am loyal and if I love you, you can consider yourself loved :)
I am not stupid or blind or even a little bit deluded, I simply choose to have real people in my life, people who show me, by their actions and not by false words, that they genuinely give a rats arse about me
I am well loved by the people I choose to have in my life these days, very well loved and grateful for that
I miss the fact of my mother but am not sure if I actually miss 'her' .....I find this a little disconcerting but given our history then maybe it is normal and maybe I am just feeling a little bit free of some stuff I have carried for a life time.
I am in love with a man who understands what makes me tick, I find this a bit weird but will learn to live with it because I also like him a lot.......and like is actually a majorly important factor in a relationship
I will no longer publish anonymous comments on my blog, if you have the guts to disagree then have the guts to ID yourself so I know who I am talking to please. Fair is fair people, I am being open with you, show me the same courtesy.
I will not tolerate bullshit in my life. Most especially from myself.
I can be very full of it at times and need to remember that we are all human and as such prone to making mistakes. Forgiveness is essential, as is tolerance. I'm working on it...... it might take a while. Like a lifetime or so.
I now have a tattoo of a tribal style dragonfly on my back. I like it. My love got a dragonfly tattoed over his heart. I find that kinda cool :)
I love you....yes, you

Have a great day people.....

Fact or fiction?

2010-03-02T16:56:00.004+11:00

I am feeling very sad that some people seem to feel the need to destroy a good person in order to make themselves feel better about a crappy thing that they did.

I feel sad that things can't be let go of and bridges built.

I feel oh so sad that nasty nasty things can get said and done in the name of 'spirituality' and that justification for some means shooting another down when they haven't got much lower to go and then kicking them in the face to top it all off.

There is a name for this stuff, it is called persecution.

Why continue to fan the flames of a fire that should never have been lit?

For Christs sake, enough is enough, remember the many many good things she did for you and leave the crap where it belongs.

The power lies in love and forgiveness.

This is my last word on this.

Own your own stuff people before it bites you on the arse one day and it will, trust me.

OMG

2010-02-26T07:56:00.003+11:00

Today is my Kayla's 18th birthday!

How the hell did that happen???

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHILD OF MINE!

I love you lots!

sheesh

Breathe in.....breathe out.....choke

2010-02-22T07:39:00.007+11:00

I find my self sitting here this morning full of feelings.

And that is okay....

Me, who has been running from feeling for forever and a day is sitting here swamped in emotion and allowing it to be so.

I have been reading and catching up on a few blogs. Not commenting much because I don't have a lot to say right now.

I rang a bell for Barry.

I am praying with my whole heart for my beautiful Renee, I know she will be lifted up by a thousand prayers in her final journey home. As was my mother. I witnessed that particular miracle and it was awesome.

I am full of gratitude for the people who have carried me and walked beside and behind me these past two years of my life. You people, my blog friends, my physical friends, my brothers and sister, my children......everyone who has played a part in getting me from there to here, right now, this day.

That would include this new love of mine who makes my heart sing a thousand songs at least once each day and who has taken my sometimes fragile self and tucked me under his wing and tickled me into laughing hysterically and then kissed me quiet again. Who is still patiently waiting for me to get back to me and who doesn't seem to mind who she turns out to be. Who seems to delight in me, just however I am. Oh yeah, I am grateful for that. And the freedom in there is something I can't and won't even try to describe to you.

If you have it then you know and if you don't, well, I hope you get it, oh yes, I do.

I am content on this day. Content to just be.

This could, of course, change in an instant....:)

Just for today I will enjoy living in the centre of me and just breathe and throw out the rubbish.....

oh snort......

Sometimes it just sucks....

2010-02-21T08:22:00.003+11:00

Fuck cancer!

Just fuck it!

Pray for Renee people, she is on her way home.

I love you Renee.

blahdeblahhhhh

2010-02-19T10:15:00.002+11:00

I am feeling directionless, purposeless and a bit god damned empty, mad and sad.

I need something to do....

but what?

What?

I can pack up my house to a point, and make ready for the move that I don't have a damned date for....

I can go run on the stupid bloody treadmill.....

I can sit here and type crap all day and think life is jolly

but really, what do I want to be doing?

I want to be moved and a little bit settled. I want my kids all doing their thing and feeling okay about it. I want to have a purpose in my days....I need a purpose.

I'm so not used to having nothing to do.

Shit

I guess I can find something, but everything keeps changing. It has all changed. Every single thing. I don't know how to do it.

But I don't doubt that I can, I'm just not 100% sure that I want to. Whatever it is.....

I could paint but I don't seem to have one in me right now....

fruggen hell

Life goes on...

2010-02-16T11:22:00.004+11:00

I am not a good blogger just lately

I forgive myself :)

I have a life and in it I got a swine flu vaccination which has made me sick....as in lets throw up for 24 hours and ache like a bitch, sick.......I am still not complaining. I just slept for 24 hours and I am still tired :)

I have a terrific K daughter who looked after me all day and cooked dinner for everyone out of nothing last night because i was useless and sleeping and throwing up and stuff...

I have a fuzzy brain and everything is a little bit too hard. This will pass I know.

I am loved and loving being loved....that is absolutely the best bit right now. I got thoroughly spoiled on Valentines Day and several other days too......I am grinning on the inside quite a lot lately. Even when things are hard. Balance......there seems to be balance here and I like it a lot.

I am slowly starting to feel like I am not in a hurry to get to tomorrow.....that I can maybe just do today and be in it.....this is a bit weird....that a job, a moving, a whatever will come along when it is time for it to be here. That I can relax a little????

Pft!

Obviously the universe thought I needed some sleep so it got me good.

I am smiling on the inside....and sipping lemonade slowly

Just for today....

la la la de dah......

2010-02-11T17:42:00.004+11:00

In a strange head space, in that I don't really have any idea what to do.....

So today I have cleaned a little, washed things, drawn a design and taken josh for a driving lesson. This took me all day? Too weird.....

I am waiting to enjoy this time....

waiting waiting waiting

I am not not enjoying it

It is just strange

sigh

sorry for whinging, I'm not really, I just ........I dunno, something

I miss my mum I guess, but I don't too

is that weird?

Ummmm......sad sad sad damn it

2010-02-10T07:41:00.003+11:00

I'm feeling a bit depressed and directionless today. I suppose that's okay.....

I need a plan and something to do I think

Guess it's time to get my busy on.....

Tick tick tick......

2010-02-08T16:59:00.003+11:00

Susan Seddon Boulet

I am thinking that it may be okay for me to just take a little while to relax and catch up on housework and friends and artwork perhaps

Time to practise with these tattoo guns and to design some tattoo's, including my own and K's.....

Time to breathe and to clip the dog and to sweep up animal hair

Time to train the bloody dog a little and to sort out all the garbage in my house and my life and to throw it all out

Time to look forward to the future and to plan a little bit....

Time to fall in love again, to ride a Harley, to get back my sexy.....workin' on that indeedy yes

Time to play a lot, work a bit, to run my arse off literally if I can be bothered...

Time to sort out the mess mum left

Time to be there for my brother, who is doing okay so far...

Time to be me, to sort out who she is now....

Yep

It is time....

Bring it on............

snorty snort ......

2010-02-08T10:50:00.003+11:00

Oh oh....

I'm bored....

This could be a good thing but only if it motivates me to do some bloody thing around here.....

dirt awaits....

sigh

....isn't it???

2010-02-07T14:54:00.003+11:00

Life is funny

a big hilarious chuckle

a wry grin

a snorty snort

If you state to the world that that is enough shit now, it stops.

People will always need someone to pick on and sometimes it will be you. How you deal with this would seem to be to state that that is not acceptable and then stand back and watch the universe sort them out for you......

and sometimes you need to say so too

and sometimes you stop wanting something and it comes back for another shot at you and you say no thanks, I really don't think so

I know that is all very cryptic but really, it is boring and all good now so I will leave it at that

I am on the brink of a whole new something.....I find this a little daunting and a lot exciting

I need to make 1000 phone calls tomorrow and sort shit out......oh joy

I need to find a job.....go to it universe, I know it's coming, I just need a little rest first okay.....just a little one.

I am loved, this is pretty much all I know right now and just about as much as I can handle.

That's okay for now isn't it.

the beat goes on.......baboombaboom

2010-02-05T08:10:00.003+11:00

Friday???

How did that happen~!

Today we are moving Daniel into his little house and all mums stuff out of hers.....my house is getting full of bits and pieces and I am way beyond tired.....

Yesterday I was a cranky shithead

Today I am just going to do what's in front of me.......all bloody day :)

Tomorrow I am going for a long long ride on the back of a Harley......

That should blow the cobwebs away.

I am in the middle of making big decisions here and everything is feeling very easy and safe......a bit disconcerting for someone who is so very used to compromise.

I miss my mum, but I am still grateful she is gone now. I don't think I could have stood to watch her in that much pain and distress for very long. I am very glad I didn't have to make any tough ass decisions regarding that, even though I would have, oh yes, I would have....

I feel her around me and her energy is suprisingly soft and gentle.....

Kayla got into her uni course and Josh got into the TAFE course he wanted, Shelli is doing year 11 this year and they are all eager to be back in town. I will still be here for a couple more months. I need to do Daniel and get him settled and over the worst of the 'empty'....this hasn't had time to hit yet, though he is also feeling a lot like me, relieved and like we have already done a lot of the grieving......we have a counselling appointment next week and he has the most amazing group of friends here too, so he will be okay. My new man has signed him up for touch footy in his team too and that will be good for him, K will be good for him I feel, and having that excuse to come to my house at least once a week, when we get moved and stuff, will also be good.
I feel that things will be okay, we just need to muddle through this next bit, get the kids settled in their studies and me doing some bloody thing, I don't know what yet but am being pushed to learn this tattoo stuff so I will do that asap.....good money in tattooing if you're any good....and I will be.

I will stop blabbing now because I must go hang out the washing then packa damn truck.....

Have a good Friday my peeps.....

The End....

2010-02-03T21:37:00.002+11:00

It was a good send off, lots and lots of people came and purple was everywhere. The sun shone in between the rain bursts and the priest was 20 minutes late. No one dropped the coffin, the family were united and I managed to speak without crying. Tahni and Daniel spoke beautifully and mum was proud of us all.

Many many thanks to my peeps for turning up for me. Lisa, Nat and Jen...I love you guys.

And you my K, I love you too.

Just so you know, this is what I said....

When Father Richard told me that mum asked for me to speak here today I was a bit horrified. My brain isn’t working properly right now and I am at a loss for words.

My little mum has gone and we are, all of us who love her, at a loss.

My mum was only five foot tall but she could fill a room with her energy. She was a force to be reckoned with, as anyone who crossed her path would know.

She did everything with her whole heart and if you were loved by mum, you knew it.

If she was cranky with you, well, you knew that too!

She was the oldest child born to Jack and Joan Harvey, sister to Jan and niece of Colin and Helen Harvey. She grew up in Wollongong and the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney.

My mother had four children, three very early in her life and Daniel, who came along as a late but excellent surprise. We, myself, Cherie, Alan and Daniel will always remember mum as the parent who loved us with everything she had.

She was a loving and giving person who helped a lot of people through out her life. She had a soft spot for the underdog but did not suffer fools gladly. She would be the first person to tell you to wake up and pull your head out of your bum, as I know from many personal experiences. Trying to write this for mum brought to mind a lot of f words…..ferocious, fierce, faithful, funny, fragile and fearless are a few of them.

She was opinionated and stubborn and had to always have the last word. She could drive you crazy with her pig headedness and she could make you cry with a kind and well placed word. She was also kind hearted and generous and would give you the world if she thought you really needed it. She was a strange anomaly in the business world, an honest Real Estate Agent, and she built a successful business out of nothing just by being herself and doing her best for every one. That’s just who she was.

A mass of contradictions in a way, yet also a simple and true woman.

For me my mother has always been my safe place. The place I could run to when life got too hard. No matter what else was happening in the world you always knew that you could go home to mum and somehow, she would fix whatever was wrong, or at least make it go away for a while. She was my conscience for a long while and she showed me that the meaning of courage was just standing up and doing what you believed was right, that you should always speak your mind and that you can change anything if you want to badly enough. It has been an honour to care for her.

She adored her grandchildren, Tahni, Joshua, Kayla, Shelli and Breock were bright lights in her life and they all gave her a lot of pleasure, especially in this last couple of years. My children and I were privileged to be able to move here to be close to her and Daniel and to spend a lot of time with her before she passed away.

She was Aunty Sandy, Blue Nan, Granny BlueMa and of course, Sandfly. She was also Ms Hooker of Lemon Tree Passage, a role that gave her great pleasure in spite of all of the stresses and, as she would say, that bloody Property management …..

she was loved by many and feared by quite a few. As I said, she could be a force to be reckoned with.

The last two years have been filled with lots of sadness and pain but also many many moments of great happiness and lots of laughter as well.

We have been lucky to have had this time to say good bye to mum. She would have wanted everyone to remember her laughing and happy and proud. She loved going up to Byron to spend time with Cherie and Richard and her beautiful Breock. She loved being surrounded by her family. She loved it that Tahni was able to come up regularly to help out wherever she was needed to. She was so proud of Tahni and of her other grandchildren too and I know she would want me to acknowledge this today. The central point in her life and the reason she did anything was always focused around those she loved.

I truly believe that the reason she hung on for so long even though her body was failing fast, was that she couldn’t bear to let go and not be here to boss everyone around and to make sure we were all okay. I am positive that she is here in spirit looking after us all still.

She worried most about leaving Daniel behind, her youngest son but she also knew that he is a strong and a good young man who has a loving girlfriend, many caring friends and of course, an aunty, a brother and two sisters and a whole bunch of nieces and nephews, who love him dearly and will take care of him for her.

I don’t know what else to say really, except to thank you for being here with us today to say good bye to mum. She is probably here somewhere tapping her foot and telling me to shut up and let them get on with it, so I will.

Tonight before I go to sleep I will light a candle, as I have done every night for the last two years, and I will say a little prayer for mum and for all of us and I will be grateful for having had the experience of her and that she is free from suffering now.

sigh...........

2010-02-01T07:13:00.002+11:00

Life is a little hectic this week

and soggy

definitely soggy

for everyone else

I seem to be the only dry eye around here

sigh

It's not over till it's over

I have to write a eulogy type thing

and I can't think

I have a house to pack up and a brother to move

I have another brother and a sister to help and to hinder

I have family flying in tomorrow to drive me insane

I have to go buy some black pants because the purple lurex harem pants just weren't suitable.....

We are wearing purple to the funeral BTW.....mum is too

I am numb

numb is okay

I grieved already and I will get to it again soon

Just for today I will be grateful for many many things

Breathing is one of them....

Saturday...

2010-01-30T07:11:00.002+11:00

I haven't posted I know

but I don't know what to say just yet

and I am very busy dealing with stuff

and yet not busy enough because I would really like to be asking myself what mum might like for dinner tonight.......

we are all coping

Thank you for caring

R.I.P

2010-01-28T21:33:00.001+11:00

Mum passed away at 1.40 this afternoon.

We were all there and she went peacefully.

That is all for now.

Wednesday this week...

2010-01-27T06:33:00.002+11:00

Yesterday we had the doctor over and he was explaining away the 'death rattle' in mum's breathing and a few other choice things like the 'death pallor' and the 'coldness of deaths hand'........(I am tempted to giggle hysterically but restraining myself here)....when lo and behold up she woke and then stayed awake all bloody day. She had a visitor and we all had a few moments with her in which she got to boss us around a bit and a few things got sorted.
That was nice.

Monday I got to go and do the funeral stuff. She wanted it sorted so it is......that was fun, not.

Today I get to do the completion of the business sale (finafuckingly) and to school shop with my Shellbell....also I have to sort out car rego and other such stuff.

My brother arrives this afternoon and she knows he is coming so will hopefully wake up a bit today too.

Whatever she likes really....this is her show after all.

My poor sister is now wearing my facial expression and forgetting every second sentence ........I did welcome her to my world :)

Daniel is coping well so far, but we are all together.

Yes Renee, together strong.

Indeed.

I don't feel strong at all actually.

I feel tired.

Have a nice Wednesday my friends......today is a gift.

Endings and beginnings and the bits in between.....

2010-01-25T22:23:00.003+11:00

Mum is still here, my brother is flying in on Wednesday, once he is here I would almost bet money that she won't be here for much longer. She pops back in for a little while each day now but mostly she is gone.....mostly

I saw you
fade away from here
one foot in this world
the rest of you
there
I hear you
tell me I am
keeping you here
saying good bye is kind of easy
because I can't see you anymore

there is a blessing in there somewhere I am sure.....

Just quickly.....

2010-01-23T23:23:00.003+11:00

Mum seems to be a bit worse today, she is seriously disorientated and losing touch with reality. She sleeps most of the time, is not eating, barely drinking and can't think straight. I really think the cancer has gone to her brain now....I really think this is it, that this next week or two may be it.

My Kayla came home today, and Tahni, and they are both shocked at the change in a couple of weeks. I've had Shelli in tears tonight and my sister has arrived and is shocked too. My brother wants to come in the next few days and I think that might be wise. Palliative care said not yet but my gut says very soon.....

I am so glad my sister is here. I am so glad I got the paper work signed even if we don't end up needing it. I am so glad it's almost over. I don't want her to suffer any more, she will hate this bit, she would hate to think of everyone seeing her like this. She would hate it. She needs to go now and go quickly. Just for her. Please pray for this. This will be so awful if it just drags on and on, she is almost not here in her mind anymore, that was what she didn't want.

I am going out tomorrow and taking my respite day, then I think I will be going nowhere for a little while.....

Just so you know......part 4536

2010-01-22T14:54:00.005+11:00

The last few days have been pretty awful for me......

I have been forced into being the 'bad guy' with my mum because stuff needed doing and no one else has done it. That's okay, but it doesn't feel nice to have your little parent glaring at you and inferring she doesn't trust you when all you have done for two years is her shit for her......so no, I am not having fun. But I already said that didn't I.

Just so you know, my children who read this, I don't like it but it must be done okay!
Don't judge me, ask your aunty.......she is just grateful it didn't have to be her and so is your uncle.

Anyway, as I sit here typing she's asleep with oxygen on and I am waiting for the solicitor to show up to do the Power of Attorney thing and the Enduring Guardianship thing.
Palliative care have been and gone and they are concerned about her mental confusion too......I hope we get this thing signed today because otherwise it will be too late! Though they seem to think she will be around for a little while yet so who knows.....

I have been trying to figure out if I have done my best here......even though I have been distracted at times, by various things/people or whatever, I think I have been and done as good as I could?
I don't know why I allow my kids to let me feel like I am not enough sometimes, but do. Maybe it is residual guilt, from when I really wasn't???
I am truly surprised that I am still standing some days.
Really and truly astounded.
Other days I feel like I am a slack arse and could never ever do enough to make it better for everyone.......

Even if my mother hates me from this day on, which she won't (I hope), I still know that I have been here every step of the way with her through this, and lots of other stuff too.

(Just got interupted by the solicitor, it's all done now, thank fark.....)

Life is funny. My sister is arriving tomorrow and will be staying for a while now, maybe till the end, depending on when that looks like it will be. At least she will get to witness it all and to help and between the three of us none of us is needing to feel like we are doing it alone.

I was you know, I was.......but not anymore.

Thank you god.

Just for today.....

2010-01-22T09:37:00.003+11:00

Just for today
I pray for the clarity and the wisdom to do the right thing
for the right reason
and to remember to hand my will and my life over to the care of 'god'
because this is too hard for me to do by myself.
I pray for my little mum,
I pray for my brothers and sisters,
my children
and me

There's a bear in there.....

2010-01-21T11:46:00.004+11:00

Am I having fun yet?

Nope....this is not fun

This is pretty crappy actually

I've spent the last couple of days nagging my poor little mother in order to get some things sorted out.....like a will! And other paperwork that hasn't been done and needed to be done.

She told me I was a vulture so I put her back to bed.....argh! I am no bloody vulture! I don't even care about the stupid thing, SHE does. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.......

I got it done though, which is good.

The car is sorted, the kids are sorted, the will is sorted (can you believe it has taken this long!) and all that is left is to get a Power of Attorney sorted but I want a solicitor to do that. It's a big deal.....and I don't want all the responsibilty either.....so my sister and brother must be one too.

There are other things that need doing but they will have to wait.....so much stuff that didn't get done and should have while I was busy running the office.

Mum is fading away here, she is sleeping 90% of the day at the moment and I think it is because of the drugs but it's kind of hard to know. They have her on a new pain med and it has knocked her out and we are reducing it to see if this improves but she is still falling asleep sitting up .....I just do not know.

I am spending most of my day roaming around this house while she sleeps. Today I have bought some painting stuff over and I may get some tattoo designs happening to keep me occupied, K has bought two tattoo guns, a liner and a shader, and all the inks and stuff and I am going to teach myself how to do it.....I can make good money from this if I get good enough. And I will! Because I am.....:)
But that is for a little way down the track yet, now is for practise and research, just to fill time while I do my mum......it is good to look forward though, looking back is a little useless and a bit damned painful.

I want it known that I am no damn hero.

I hate this shit.

But I love my mum, even if I am a vulture :)

Argh.....

Ahhh shit.......

2010-01-19T10:01:00.004+11:00

It occurs to me that sometimes people read things here and because I don't explain myself well enough, they may leave a little confused.

Sorry about that but I say as much as I need to and if you want to know more feel free to ask. My blog friend Snow has asked recently and due to my state of rather extreme busy-ness right now, I think I inadvertently insulted and confused him. Sorry Snow.......really!

However, I will not usually feel the need to explain or apologise for what I say here.

My last post was very short and just a passing thought really, not an essay, on what faith and hope and gratitude mean to me. It was short because I wrote it to remind myself, not to educate anyone else. I truly believe that these things are relative to each of us and that we get there, or not, in our own ways and that for me to try to tell you how or what to believe would be an extreme act of arrogance on my behalf.

It doesn't actually matter to me, what your opinion or interpretation of faith and hope are, I try to respect them, regardless, because they are yours. I TRUST that they are not nasty and that even if they are I know that I am powerless over what you say and believe.....so I leave it up to God/s/ess to judge, or I try to, because I don't really know you and I never can.

We can, none of us, ever really KNOW another person. All we can do is have an opinion, and that opinion will always be based on our OWN experience and that is why we wont ever know, because unless we can walk in another's shoes and actually experience their experience, who are we to say?

Anyway, that's enough of that.

I have a mother to go take care of.....just for today I will try to be grateful for that.

Pondering faith.......

2010-01-18T09:15:00.004+11:00

Pondering faith because Lisa made me.....

and how when it all boils down to the very brassiest of tin tacks

It's all we have

any of us

In any given moment

Hope

Faith

Trust

These things I strive for daily.....

and gratitude

always gratitude

and lasagne that tastes good

I love you!

Life...in point form

2010-01-16T16:12:00.003+11:00

My mother is spiraling downwards....or upwards, whichever way you perceive it. Her blood pressure is low, she cannot be left alone now and she is as skinny as a stick, she has really degenerated this last week. I don't anticipate this lasting any more than a month or so, but I have been wrong before and will be glad to be wrong again.......
my relationship with my new man is really going well, strangely enough, given the circumstances and all that jazz.....we fit. It is comfortable, comforting, exciting and also just plain nice. I am liking it a lot and am very very grateful for the distraction and the balance this is providing me right now. And I don't actually care what anybody thinks so this is an added bonus. It only matters what I think really......and I am pleased to announce that I am not thinking much at all :)
My kids should all be back in the nest by the end of this week and life will resume......for now, who knows what the hell this will all look like in a couple of months but things are moving at a galloping pace energetically.......
in short, I am really sad, really happy and kind of balanced all at the same time. I am scared but I have support, I am just trying to do each day as each day arrives without projecting too much past tomorrow for right now. There is a part of me that is quite quite detached from all of it. That could be my sanity......
My aunty is down this weekend so I am out of here as much as possible. I do not feel guilty for this....
My dog now has clipped ears and smells good after he rolled in dead bird yesterday and stunk like that......erk
I am fat
I have 12 zits
I don't care
Byeeee.......

2010-01-16T09:44:00.000+11:00

.....but do not hold your breath!

Just so you know...

2010-01-15T11:15:00.001+11:00

No, nothing drastic going on, just busy doing stuff at the moment and have no words just now.

This will change

you can count on it :)

Watch this space!

Ummmm, yeah?

2010-01-13T07:06:00.004+11:00

Somebody said to me yesterday that I am perpetuating my own 'pain' here by continuing to talk about my ex and what happened/s???

Have I been doing that a lot here?

I know I have mentioned him a few times this past couple of weeks, because he keeps popping up in front of my face and annoying the crapper out of me...but is that me 'keeping it alive'???
I am a little confused about that one......

Things seem to take on an energy of their own around me sometimes, like separate little vortexes that I step into and out of and yet they spin on regardless of my participation.....

Other feedback would indicate that ex is not doing so well, that other people are picking up on him not telling truths and other such things validates my feelings around some stuff and also makes me think that all I can do is say a prayer for him and try to just let it go.
That can be difficult when he keeps reaching out and touching me....he has big energy you know?

But it is not my fault if he is feeling regret or whatever he is feeling right now. I gave him plenty of chances and he chose to blow them.....that is ALL I need to know really, I don't care all that much about whether or not he is coping right now. He is not my responsibilty and I refuse to be drawn into his mind games and manipulations anymore.

OVER.......... this is the aim and the purpose of my talking about my stuff. And if it wasn't entirely before, well, it is now :)

Shelli comes home today, so my child free days are over for now.....sigh, it has actually been really nice even though I do miss them.

K goes back to work next week too so I guess things will change there too......

I leave work this week, that is going to be so weird! TWO YEARS I have been doing this shit every day, two damn years, more than two years. I wonder if I will miss it?

I only know that I am tired. Very tired........

I am off to do this day now....the treadmill awaits and I am running late today.....

I could, feasibly, join the gym now couldn't I........

hmmmmm

(I gave K a foot soup last night :) He was suitably disgusting.......)

Have a good one peeps

Love you...

Frog went walkin' on a summers day ......ahum ahum ahum

2010-01-12T13:15:00.004+11:00

Ahhh life is a funny....

I have decided to do a step four on relationships, after having some words (and making some amends) with my old sponser, who used to be my best friend, who is now my tentative friend again and who has enlightened me with a few valuable insights into my ex partner, the bullshit he span for me and the effect he had on me and my life, because, of course, I allowed him to.

The anger I keep experiencing around him is real and valid and must be put to rest somehow because I am OVER it!

Today he rang me to ask for permission to come to my mum's funeral?????

.......ummmm, she's not actually dead yet dickhead!

So, not to lay the whole steaming heap of blame crap onto him, because that wouldn't be real or fair, I am going to do some writing and get rid of the lot of them......yay....snort! Oh if it were just that easy how happy would I be! It ain't a very long list but oh there are some doozies to be dealt with. The father of my kids is going to be interesting now isn't he........

Hmmmm, do you think this is appropriate for me to be doing just now?

It must be or why else would it keep slapping me in the face?

Please feel free to tell me to pull my head out of my ar...bum if you think I need to......really, I would so rather not have to look at this stuff ever again in my life.

sigh

Anyway, onto other stuff.....like I have told my boss I'm leaving as of this week.

I said I will work on some days if they REALLY need me to, otherwise I'm just doing my mum.

Speaking of whom, she is not doing so well. She is just sick.

All over damn sick.

It's coming people.

It's coming relentlessly and I can't do a damn thing about it now can I.

I really really really hate powerless.....

Gonna love you a little bit more...........

2010-01-11T06:25:00.003+11:00

Oh wow.......so I am now addicted to Harley's.

That was most cool!

I have also made a decision to leave work this week, am talking to my boss today....it is time

My ex is still pushing my buttons like the good man he always has been......I WILL be grateful for the lessons God, I will.................I put it down and he pops back up again every time just lately.
I officially give up and say a little prayer for him.
Something like...."God, please give L everything he needs as long as it isn't me!"

snort

My befri came for tea last night with my mum and that was fun........

My man drove 45 minutes just to sleep next to me.......I find that endearing, especially since I've been so tired lately I'm snoring.....

My dog is about to experience having his tongue wrapped around his own throat if he doesn't stop whinging all day when no one is home......I need a dog whisperer!

I haven't had to buy food for a week........life is cheap when your kids are away!

Well, I'm off to do the day.....I will try to stay in it and to be grateful for something every damn minute

:)

Sunday sunday lal la la la la la lal aaaaaaaa

2010-01-10T06:44:00.003+11:00

I'm sorry I have been a slack poster this week

I have been busy having a bit of a life and not much has been happening really

Mum seems to be kicking along reasonably well for the past day or so...

Yesterday, in case you need to know, was spent doing household things like washing and vacuuming and cleaning out the garage and stuff while K mowed and whippysnipped my horrible lawn......it all now looks schmick and also, most importantly, the Harley fits in the garage :)

Second most importantly is that I am going for a ride on the back of said beast today......

vroooooooooooommmmmmmmmmm

Yes Red FIL! Finally!!!!

Woot!

AND tonight my maryme comes for dinner....

Life is just exactly what you make it people, and gratitude is a perception

Just for today I will be grateful that the rain has stopped, that I am loved and that the council hires out bark collars.........

:)

Have a lovely Sunday my friends.

Alive and snoring....

2010-01-08T09:28:00.003+11:00

I'm a little too tired to write anything much right now

I'm worn out.....

That's not necessarily a bad thing BUT now mum is sicker and has been pretty bad for the last 36 hours or so......

She is disorientated and over medicated and not a happy mother

So, that's where I am at today.....

Grateful to be here?

Grateful for the love???

Well, sure I am.

Takin' a little walk on the wild side.........

2010-01-06T11:02:00.004+11:00

Beautiful besties......

Work in progress.....

I've been a little wild this week :)

Today I have wagged work....playin' hooky am I

I am a little bruised and battered but I am smiling on the inside even when I'm frowning on the outside.....

Life can be funny like that.

Funny also, isn't it, how it just takes the right person with the right key to unlock doors that have been closed for a very long time......and I tell you what, it is nice to be feeling so in 'touch' with me. It's been a long long time since I felt this free within myself, in a lot of ways.

Just for today I will be grateful for the distraction......

(it's been 6 months since I had a ciggy!)

yeah.....

2010-01-05T07:52:00.004+11:00

Yesterday was oncology

The CT scans show that the tumours in her liver are growing, she is now 48.5 kilos, she's lost about 12 kilos in the last 3 months, 5 of that in the last 3 weeks, she has constant pain in her lower back and her right leg, she is on 80 mgs of oxycontin everyday and this dose gets adjusted every week pretty much.....she isn't having good days right now, sometimes she has a good couple of hours

My mother is refusing anymore treatment

She has had enough of feeling like shit and has pretty much decided to die now

I find this really really fucking sad

and yet I also feel a strange sense of relief

Does that make me a bad daughter?

I really don't think so.

I am a mass of contradictory feelings......so many highs and lows and not too many in betweens. That feels okay too. For where I am at right now.

I find it hard to articulate some days

I find it hard to say what I mean without it sounding like something else sometimes

I find it hard to know what it is that I am really feeling sometimes too

I don't envy anyone who has the dubious honour of trying to understand me right now

Except that it is all very intense and very real and that is what makes the world go round I guess

I had a talk with my brother yesterday.

We will be okay.

I am........something

yeah

I AM

Back to work today

I think I might leave.....

Life be like that somedays....

2010-01-03T21:50:00.009+11:00

I've been reading Oriah Mountain Dreamer.....The Invitation this time, yeah, again

Years ago I read this book and I cannot tell you how much it inspired me to become whoever it is that I am today. The way she writes, what she wrote, the words, oh yes, those damn beautiful words....they drove me to explore me, what I yearned for, who I wanted to become.

It was this book that sent me on my quest for the 'real', for MY 'truth'.....

So, I am reading it again and I ask you what is it you long for? Do you have that longing? That I want, oh god I need, I want......what is it that I want?
I seem to have walked an awful lot of coastline asking myself that question these past few months.
I wonder if I found it? I wonder if I'm just paused for a heartbeat or two and if the want will resume at some later date.
No doubt it will, life is an endless quest is it not?
But maybe, just maybe, the quest doesn't have to always be solitary. Maybe at some points you get to share some of the journey.......maybe, after you have traveled alone for a while it is okay to just walk with someone else and let them help carry your load for a little way, just by being there to touch and to love and to talk to, to allow them to hold you close when you have been holding everyone at arms length for what seems like for fucking ever?
Maybe that's okay and maybe I don't have to pull that one to pieces just to satisfy someone's curiosity?
Maybe I just wont, huh......:)

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing."

"I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human."

If you can I might just love you.

Oh yes, I may well do.......I already know I have what it takes to get up and feed the children the day after the night my heart shattered while I lived my dark night of the soul, do you?
I have lived the time where I failed this and I have lived the times when I have excelled......I qualify, yes, I do.

I say to you, any of you who would judge me, walk a mile in my shoes baby, just walk a mile in my shoes......I can guarantee your feet will hurt like hell and your soul will grow weary and want to lay down and die and that you will learn a new way to be because the old ways just hurt too damn much.....

Ahhhh, life is a damned mystery and I like it like that.

I like the possibilties.........

Today?

Today I learned that I can push my own fucking buttons and that I can also choose to un-push them and to apologise for being wrong, even when I don't think I really am.....that may sound like a contradiction in reality, but for me, just for today, it was necessary. What I don't have to do is choose to share space with someone, but recognise that that person has a right to be there whether I like it or not.
Ex has decided that he likes to do 'my' meeting and it pissed me right off.
I can't tell him not to however, and I can't even ask him not to either.
It's a meeting and I don't own it.

So, I will do the meeting, and if he chooses to come and doesn't like what he sees or hears that's his shit, yeah? I am still a bit angry though. He has many other meetings a week to choose from and lives 10 minutes away from all of them. Oh well.......I am powerless over that aren't I.

Yeah, I'm in a bit of a funny space today but that is okay.

I grow here.....

painting my colours.....

2010-01-02T15:49:00.005+11:00

all i need
is here
in this now
i am
momentarily
replete

i will paint
my colours
inside
your
outline
tonight
watch you

while you shine

just
for
me

:)

Gratitude?? Why, yes.....

2010-01-02T14:26:00.005+11:00

Lisa, Jen, Nat, Kayla, Tahni, Shelli, Cherie......these are the women/girls in my life who are not my parent and who I love with my whole heart and feel grateful for every single day, whether they like me or not.....

K.......this man is becoming pretty damned important pretty damn quick but you know what? It feels just fine for it to be like that.....safe and just good. I dunno why and I don't need to. That is seriously weird in itself, given the last 8 months of my life.....

I feel no real need to elaborate on anything right now. I've just booked Shelli on a flight to Byron so she can stay with my sister for a week or so. Kayla is off to Sydney to work for a month with my big girl........Joshua is in Germany for 3 weeks.....are you reading me here???

NO KIDS.......(or kittens!)

wow, what on earth will I do??

Snort....I'm sure between work, mum and the above mentioned people I will be kept busy enough.....

I love my life today

I live, I love, I learn, I AM....

yay!

Endings and new beginnings and all that other stuff in the middle......

2009-12-31T07:45:00.004+11:00

I've been thinking this morning....sitting here looking out of my window, pondering the way the world works and how the universe always seems to know better than I do....

How when I let go and let god, things just happen, exactly the way I didn't expect them to, but exactly the way they should.

And I wonder what the lesson is going to be this time, because it seems there always is one, isn't there. Right now the lesson seems to be that by just letting go and going with the flow and not forcing any issue, things just get better. Internally.

I have been forced to look at and experience powerless this past couple of years. I have been forced to look at and experience where running on MY will gets me.....and I have been forcefully reminded that I came here with a plan already in progress and I will not be diverted, no matter how hard I try :)

So, things are feeling back on the right track.....better than on the right track actually, things are feeling as though they are gliding.............this is kinda weird but very very nice

I like it like that :)

Happy New Year my friends. I love you!

Goosebumps in the summertime......

2009-12-30T06:23:00.003+11:00

Guess I've been a bit quiet on here this past week or so

That's because I have been a bit busy.....and also a bit reluctant to blog about what's going on for me.

Somethings don't need blogging about really.

Suffice it to say I am feeling loved.

Mum had a CT scan yesterday, results to be known on Monday. She is looking pretty sick and skinny and having as many bad as good days right now.

Life goes on relentlessly as usual.....

I am grateful for a lot of things today, I am feeling a lot more settled inside myself mostly, I still have my moments of madness and want to run like a maniac.....but on the whole, things are good and I am happy here, in my heart.

Today I am off for a haircut and lunch with my besties.....how lucky am I???

Bullets.....

2009-12-29T09:20:00.002+11:00

I would pass on a wisdom
to you, child
I would say that
words
can do damage
more so than
a bullet
some days

your mouth is still smoking

Are we there yet????

2009-12-27T05:53:00.005+11:00

I am peeking out from behind the lounge (sofa) and hoping that it is all stopped now :)

I'm exhausted and almost ready to slap my little mother's backside for her.....

It's been a nice couple of days and Christmas has passed in a whirl

Today I am escaping into town ......I doubt they will even notice I am gone.....snort

*tiptoes quietly up to car.....*

BTW...all of the kittens now have good homes and I am sooooo grateful. NEVER will I have to have kitty litter indoors again! Woo hoooooooooooooo

My new 'friend', henceforth to be known as HDTH (HowDidThatHappen).....now has a new little fluffy grey addition to his household which has won me points with his girls and him even more points with mine......(that is all I'm going to say about that, except yeah, I'm still grinning :)

Ummm, I scored 'right good' from Santa and am now the proud owner of many more things than I had two days ago...

I have eaten far too many Maltezers, thanks to HDTH, grrrr, and now must run for 100 hours on Harry and will surely die before the day has even begun.......

My big girl Tahni is here and I can see her from where I sit right now, this makes me happy indeed, and one of her priests is taking the black kitten which also makes me happy, did I mention hating the smell of kitty litter? Erghhhhhh...I don't mind if the priest makes the cat Catholic....I wonder if they would mind sending my baby back now?

It is cool and raining here today people, not Christmas weather at all! I should be dying of heat exhaustion and going to the beach! My suntan is fading away fast.....

I am going to get my dragonfly tattoo this week. I cant decide between my back and my wrist...input please???

I need a haircut.......

My life is feeling pretty good

What more can I ask for?

Peace on earth sounds okay to me

Bring it on universe, bring it on....

*laughs and claps hands*

Sigh...................

2009-12-26T10:17:00.002+11:00

I have nothing to say today except Happy Holidays.....

I have a big grin in my heart and another one on my face

Today is for loving and eating ......

Hoping all of my friends out there are having a safe and happy holiday

Oh yeah!

2009-12-25T13:54:00.002+11:00

I have had the most awesome 24 hours.....

and it ain't over yet people

nope, not by a long shot

Hoping you are all having a lovely Christmas and that your lives are filled with just as much good stuff as mine is today :D

Getting down to it.....

2009-12-24T07:05:00.004+11:00

10 things I am grateful for today

My kids and their infinite patience (snort) with their crazy mumma
Blue dresses and dragonflies
Christmas with mum
Lisa and Nat and Jen and Kerry just because they love me
the ability to think straight and love well (do NOT snort here people)
morphine
Dr W
Christopher having my back
Poetry
Paint
You, yes, you.....

It's Christmas Eve!

Have a beautiful day..........

Leading with my heart......

2009-12-23T23:44:00.005+11:00

I'd like to say I've been thinking and regale you with some wonderful wisdom here.....

but I haven't been thinking.....

I have been feeling though

and just for right now, feeling feels far more important to me than thinking

I've been living in my head for far too long now

Time to get back into my body, into this real world and into something and someone other than myself......

I am in the process of making some internal decisions here but I am not giving it any thought what-so-ever.....

My heart is talking to me and I am listening....

Funnily enough, my head agrees with my heart so I guess that must be okay then :)

I am so comfortable here it is quite quite weird......

think I'll just kick back and enjoy this ride.....

Sometimes, when you stop running and sit very still, something else gets a chance to tap you on the shoulder...

Oh yeah....

2009-12-23T06:42:00.002+11:00

Just for today I will live my life filled with a sense of wonder and joy and be truly grateful for the love I am shown and am able to give.
I will be fully present in each and every moment and lead with my heart....

Bring it on God

Bring it on

Eyes wide open.....

2009-12-22T05:49:00.004+11:00

6 am here in the land of me and mine

It's a bit damp out there and the birds are singing away furiously

I am feeling a little bit good :)

Last night I went to meeting and it was pretty confronting. Not because of anything that was said really, just because of people. The rumours should be flying thick and fast by now.....

I have seen and told my ex this week, just so he won't get a rude shock, that I am seeing someone he knows......end of my responsibility there I think.

My old sponsor was at the meeting last night too. That was interesting and bought up a few rude feelings as well. I think I need to have it out with her, in some way, shape or form. I want her to know that I know exactly who she is and that she needn't think I forget. Then maybe I can forgive. Maybe it shouldn't work like that but you know what, I don't care. I have been walked all over for the last time in this life.

There are aspects of my life today that need letting go of. Aspects of myself that I have been worrying about. Like where my head can take me if I allow it full rein. This year has proven to me that that can be scary stuff. Only because it is so very not real at times you know. And I want real. I need it.

It can be hard, when I am interacting with another person, for me not to buy into their view to the exclusion of mine. I need to remember that too.

I need to remember that I, just as I AM, am plenty good enough for anything or anyone.

Anything at all.

I have also been encouraged to think about the future just lately, the future after this bit, and that has been strange too. To really realise that this will end one of these days and that there are all sorts of possibilties out there......that this particular existance is not all I have to look forward to, because some days it feels like this is all there is. And while I need to stay in the day and be present for this, I don't like feeling trapped in someone elses nightmare. So, yeah, that is interesting too.

I am really going to work on that somehow. The feeling trapped thing. I realised when I was sharing last night that I haven't really been coming from my heart with this stuff for a little while now. And that is why I feel off balance and not centered so often. I came here to do this 'job' and I would really love to be doing it the best I can. I actually am doing it physically as best I can usually, but my head is a whole different story as you people well know. I don't like that about me right now.
I also don't know how to make it different. Am I supposed to just willingly give up any selfishness and hand every waking moment over to the care of others? Do I not go anywhere or do anything exclusively for me? Or is it just about attitiude? I am fucked if I know somedays. Yet there are other days when it is all just fine and I forgive myself for having one foot out the door half the time. This is not easy and I just want to be able to say, one day, that I did it well.
And to know it in my heart.
But my heart struggles somedays.
So, I dunno......

On other fronts, I am enjoying a certain someone in my life right now. Somehow I need to juggle that into all of this as well, because I like it, I really really like it. A lot. It feels real and right and good, so far, and that is a bit strange too, for various reasons that just don't seem to matter.

Ahhhh, I don't know.....I really do not know anything much at all right now.

I'm just doing one day at a time.....it's all I've got that makes sense some days :)

Have a good one peeps. I will.....

I stand here
very still
aching
willing you
to
touch me

when you do
my skin laughs

I would drown there
gladly

I need to watch that :)

Right here, right now?

2009-12-21T06:14:00.005+11:00

Sometimes, when you ask the universe specifically for something that you want, you get it.

Then, when you get it you look at it for a little while, turn it over in your hands, this way, that way, upside down, inside out......and you wonder about whether or not you actually really wanted it at all and how on earth are you going to give it back.

But sometimes, when you ask the universe to give you what it knows you need, it does.
And you just know it.
And it's weird.

I am having one of those weeks where everything I do and am is right here in the moment.
It feels good and I'm liking this a lot for now.

Oh yes, a very lot indeed.......:)

Just sayin'....

Have a great Monday people.

Well......

2009-12-20T06:37:00.002+11:00

So, here we are, Sunday again in the land of me

I am going into town to do stuff today, escaping from here.....yay

Going to a meeting, maybe to the beach, maybe for lunch....I dunno, maybe whatever

I may be going for a ride on a Harley too :)

Yesterday was a nice day. I got the jobs done at mum's place, a friend (yes, that one) came over and we all went to mum's for dinner and then played scrabble (:)) and cards with her, which she liked and so did I.....was a nice evening again. I could get used to that....

Ummmm, Kerry picked up her baby cat......I haven't wrapped a single present, I think I have got them all though so that's sayin' something.

That's about it folks, I am boring......

Have a great day, I'm certainly going to be trying to

And the band played tra la la......

2009-12-19T07:14:00.004+11:00

SNORT!!!!

Saturday.....the sky is full of clouds and it's kinda cool here this morning

That could be good seeings as my day will be full of doing stuff at mums to get ready for the Christmas family onslaught.....wow, next week is Christmas again, how did that happen?

This year has gone by so quickly for me, on the whole. It feels I have come a million miles in some respects, especially the last few months.......I hope so anyway, I certainly wouldn't like to have to do any of those head miles again :)

I guess I have been dreading this Christmas in a way, because it will the last one with mum unless a miracle happens, because it was always a time frame marker, because of a few reasons. But as it is I am just feeling grateful that she is here again, and we get to do this one more time. Without the stress of last years giant hoo ha. This should be fairly laid back and just nice. My brother is coming, Tahni is coming, and my sister and her hubby too. That's it really, except for ex husband for a few hours Christmas Day, with his new kids. How civilised, yes? :)

I'm not really sure how I am supposed to feel in all this you know, and it's really hard sometimes, but on the whole I am just so glad to be here, doing the do, as best I can mostly, and even though it's hard for the kids out here, I am glad they get to do it too. In the long run, they will be too I hope.

My mind turns, at times, to what the future may hold.
To where I will go when all of this is done and dusted, to what I want from my life....and you know, that stuff just all seems not so urgent, and I am trying not to think about it too much.
Things can change in moment and I am not locking myself into any particular expectation right now.
There is movement around me, things are changing and strangely enough, I feel comfortable in all that.
I have learned, over time, that change is a good thing.
Change brings growth and clears out the dead wood in my life.
Change can be confronting and uncomfortable too at times, but ultimately, when things start moving in my world, I get to grow some more.
I don't always like the process but I do end up liking me more than I did when I started.

So, yeah, once again universe.....bring it on.

Just in case you wanted to know, I had a really nice night last night

Have a nice Saturday friends :)

SNORTY SNORT SNORT

2009-12-18T16:31:00.002+11:00

The truth of me......

2009-12-18T08:57:00.002+11:00

You said
you wanted me
and I smiled
I saw
you thought I was
this body
but
the truth
of me
is in the ether

halfway

I will meet you there

or
nowhere at all

Hot hot hot........

2009-12-17T23:30:00.004+11:00

Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!

It's like a zillion degrees here tonight and I cannot even get tired because it is just too damn hot......

Tonight looks like it's gonna be long and sleepless.....sigh

so

I have a date tomorrow night people.....

I'm a little bit excited about that....

I like a guy who rings me 4 times a day and tells me he likes me lots.....

but I'm funny like that.....

PFT!

On other fronts?

Mum is traveling okay.....pain is mostly under control even though she is being kept awake at night with a strange new leg/hip pain, she is a bit stoned all the time and she has been eating....

I made a king prawn risotto last night that was to die for....if you are nice I will invite you over one day and feed it to you :)

Ummm, I have been and had coffee's and shopped today, left my swimmers on my bed so I didn't get to the beach......

I spent too much money on blue skirts and a dress .....

I am having issues with Harry, in that I don't like him much so he gives me a run for my money these days. Unfortunately he is NOT running my arse off fast enough, as in it will still be there tomorrow

I bought myself the KD Lang Hymns of the 49th Parallel CD today....I dunno if I like it or not, I know I like Hallelujah and I like a couple more of them but it isn't as good as I had hoped. Oh well, you get that I suppose

Ahhhhh, I am just talking drivel here.....

might go scrub the roof

sigh

Ummmm........

2009-12-16T23:57:00.004+11:00

It is late.....I am tired

The day has been long

Something is going on here.....

I'm not quite sure what it is but it sure is interesting I can tell you that

All that running I've been doing?

It's stopped

My 'inner' me has stopped dead in her tracks and is just standing here with a grin on her face.....

hmmmm

Too weird people, a little too weird

Where's my head at......!!!!!

2009-12-16T12:35:00.004+11:00

Oh god it's Wednesday again!

That just keeps happening.....

yep, feeling a little nuts today people

I promise I have a good reason....

sigh

It's hot

It's windy......grrrrr

I'm also bored, my day has consisted, so far, of me reading the riot act to filthy tenants who leave houses in terrible states and then I have to be mean to them and make them go clean up their own shit.....poor poor babies!

Somebody save me pleeeeeease!

BUT

I don't have to work tomorrow or the next 3 days after that and that is cool

AND

I get about 10 days off over Christmas!! Woo farking hoo!!!!!!

AND

Tomorrow I am going to town to do stuff and maybe (definitely!!) have a coffee with my befri.....any escape is a good thing right now

I might also go to the beach if it is hot like today.....

or not

Meanwhile, I am filling in time here in this orifice and thinking about what to have for dinner

(oh dear god please don't make me have to do that forever) and maybe just a bit about a couple of other issues that are on my mind regarding all the crap that has been going on for me these past few months and how ready I am to deal with some parts of my life just now.

I've been reminded today that people actually read my blog and that, strangely enough, has left me feeling a little vulnerable.

I'll get over it though :)

Oh snort!

2009-12-15T12:50:00.004+11:00

I find it kind of funny that......

just when I decide I can live without a man I have several likely prospects prowling around
that when I have an opinion and voice it I had better be damned sure it is what I really feel (and it is) be fully aware and prepared to stick to my guns or just shut the hell up in the first place
that asking my mum if I can go out on Friday night feels a bit like deja vu and a wee bit silly (said with a scottish accent och aye)
That I have lost those 4 kilos as fast as I put them on last week WTF?????????
That my ex-husband had to apologise to me for not inviting me to his sons birthday party because my mum and my kids were disgusted with him, and then it turned out that it was her of course, and I wouldn't have gone anyway.....
that nothing ever stays the same and yet some things never change
that Centrelink have decided to cut my Carer payment on Christmas week.....like I am not really a carer??? Now I have to go sort that shiz out too......
that in spite of the shit fight out there, in here I feel calm and almost a little bit excited
It's beginning to feel a bit like Christmas now that I am going to be broke :D

Snorty snort snort!!!

Stay real people......it's all we have

Giggle snort choke!

2009-12-15T07:45:00.003+11:00

I have decided that I don't operate too well on no sleep.....1 am to bed is too late on a week night :)

I had an interesting evening last night.....

Got stuck in major traffic on my way into town which made me an HOUR late for a 90 minute meeting.....then on my way home I had to detour half way around the world due to road works.....

I also got asked out to dinner by a nice fellow and I am going....why bloody not. I have spoken to the elephant slayer and he is done and dusted and also being a gentleman about it.

I found myself in a funny situation last night, and in that I found myself to be pretty comfortable with who I am today, and that was really nice. I gave my number out to a select few people, and asked for numbers in return, which was also cool. I had an interesting conversation with someone with regards to my ex who has been doing a little pole pissing it seems, like I am still his territory.......I think that is now sorted but it could get interesting should I choose to see anyone else from the fellowship, and I have and will be asked out, I know this because I am female and I see it coming.....snort

Lucky I've been made very aware of my 'stuff' now isn't it.......am laughing like a loony on the inside here.......life is funny and it's all a big game.

Seeing through the illusion is the primary purpose......

have a great day people

Parallel worlds......

2009-12-14T08:26:00.004+11:00

It seems to me that I am and have been in a state of flux....

things are shifting, internally, externally......on many many levels

This is exhausting yeah

but also very freeing, and when I can manage to step out of the whirlwind and look in from there I see that I am being called on to put into play the things I have learned along the way so far.

The main thing I see right now is that if I allow myself to get caught up in the madness then I am asking for trouble. When thing start to feel messy I need to step OUT, take a look IN and from OUTSIDE make a decision and then stick to it, whether I am in or out at the time.

(I am pretty sure most of you will know what I mean but if you missed that boat, don't worry, another one will be along in due course.)

Remember when I posted that I had had a talk with mum about stuff a week or so ago, and that I had said what I needed to do.....well, the same talk was had last night with her having no recollection of what had been said previously, just that she has been feeling like I don't want to be here for her.

I sometimes think I am on another planet.

Sigh....anyway, things are sorted yet again, for now. And I had an interesting conversation with a lady yesterday who reminded me that I can complain and whinge and explain how I am feeling till the cows come home but if I am telling the wrong people then I am wasting my breath...snort. By this, she meant that I need to be telling my family when I am feeling inundated by them and overwhelmed and whatever. I need to be saying to them .....hang on a minute, I need a break here. I see the sense in this and will try but it is hard when no one is here to step in.

Shelli is feeling a bit yuk at the moment, and this is probably due to me being out so much lately......guilt? Mum has felt that I don't want to be here anymore.....guilt? I don't know what the others think because they haven't told me but you know, no one asked how I was feeling or why I have been running around like a maniac, they just say how it effected them. Interesting yeah?

So, I will have my two meetings a week, I will take Sundays for me, and Monday nights.

For now, while it is do-able anyway......I am flexible but it appears others need to know exactly what is going on.

Fair enough I guess.

I might need to leave work soon. Mum is dying of loneliness as well.

Truth?

Sometimes I wish I wasn't here, but not because I don't want to be.

Life on life's terms.....

Powerful women?

2009-12-13T08:15:00.007+11:00

Sometimes people say things to one person, that get read by another person and that person takes offence.

Sometimes I will write or say what I feel and that might make you feel something....

That's actually your stuff to deal with, not mine, but I am sorry if it caused you hurt.

Sometimes you just have to say what you feel, when you feel it.

I have been thinking about opinions and power, and how we define ourselves as powerful and what that actually means to me....

In my opinion, the powerful woman is the one who speaks her mind appropriately, not the woman who points a finger and runs.

The powerful woman will always look to herself and see what part she had to play in the situation.

The powerful woman will not run blindly with the pack, she will stand back and guard the weak and the young.

The powerful woman will speak in the 'I' and not from the 'we' because she knows that she herself is the only one she has any control over.

The powerful woman will admit when she is wrong or if she doesn't know then she will say so.

The powerful woman does not always have to be right.

The powerful woman will fulfill her obligations and will say what she needs to say to a persons face.

The powerful woman will let other people speak without fear and will respect another's opinion may be different from her own.

The powerful woman will know when she is right and stand firm in that, knowing she has done all could and she is open to change because nothing ever stays the same.

The powerful woman doesn't need to justify.

Just my opinion of course.

Ummmm, peace perhaps?

2009-12-12T13:37:00.004+11:00

Oh Christmas swan oh christmas swan......lalalallalalaaaaa

Artwork by Kayla Strangeone

Here is a weird thing!

I don't actually have anything to say right now, but it's only because, for this very minute, nothing is in the front of my mind.....

How nice is that!

Phew.....

I will be back later I am sure :)

Done and dusted.....

2009-12-11T22:52:00.003+11:00

Well, what a longgggggg day!

But, a good one....

Have been and done the nephew and the mother shop

Then I organised dinner for the ratbags and took myself into town....I was in two minds, should I go play or should I not? I decided that I'm actually not all that interested in 'playing' right now, or in playing just for playings sake. I have decided to say farewell to the elephant slayer too......he was getting a bit damn presumptuous anyway :)

So, yeah, I went for a walk along Nobby's and sang into the wind, got my feet wet, did some drawing (well, unfinished doodling, see above) in the park and then I went to the Women's Meeting where I saw a whole bunch of lovely women I haven't seen for quite a while, one of whom I will be doing some step work with most likely.......ahhhh serendipity

It was someones birthday so we all went out to dinner in Hamilton and that was nice too, except they played such loud music while some bird belly danced that I actually thought my ears were bleeding....grrrrr

Sunday I am taking me out to the Breakwall and sending a certain pair of earrings off to a watery grave.......

In doing that I will have cut all ties......that might just be peaceful.

After that I'm just leaving it up to the universe. No more meddling from me.......I'm just going to do what needs to be done, the best way I know how......that's all I can do isn't it.

I feel centered and actually quite peaceful inside me.

The stars are very beautiful out there tonight........

Angels and demons....

2009-12-10T22:00:00.002+11:00

This is our Christmas Swan...we are a bit strange at our house

Thank god it is the other end of this day.....it went on forever!

I think I feel a bit better now.

I came home early tonight, after doing the dinner run at mum's and cleaned a few things in my house, like the oven and the damn bathroom, that have been bugging me every time I passed them on my way out the bloody door....

I think I need to just stop awhile you know.....catch up with myself a little, it has been a rather intense month for me and I am very very tired.

I don't expect anybody else to understand why really, not my family anyway, none of them have a clue where I have come from because they haven't experienced it themselves.

This is also the case for some of my friends.

That is just fine with me.....I need people with other perspectives than mine to show me how to be different.

Plus, I need to get my own space in order a little too.

My house is not how I like it to be.

The kids do a pretty good job of it and I am grateful for that, but it's not a mum job, you know? Bits get missed :)

Lots of bits.......

(It's been 5 months since I had a cigarette now!)

There is something really weird going on with my body too...like an unexplained weight gain of about 5 kilos, pretty much overnight, for no real reason?

I have only been eating stupidly for a few days, not enough to explain this, my feet and ankles are swollen and my belly too......I am going to juice fast for a few days and see if that helps and if not, well, the doctor will be seeing me next week.

This is very unlike my normal body behaviour so it warrents a bit of worry I think.

We will see........maybe there is a physical reason for me feeling so fucking out there?

Whatever, I have decided to calm the hell down and chill out a bit.

I don't have to do everything in a minute.

Things will do themselves regardless and I have some other important stuff to do too.

Like put my nephew on a plane home tomorrow morning and take mum to the maul to shop.......groannnnnnnnn :)

Anyway, that's it for me today, my bed beckons........

You wanna know something else??

Chocolate, alcohol, cigarettes and Rob's are just no damn good for me.....

'night night people

Running on empty....still

2009-12-10T06:36:00.006+11:00

I wish I knew a magic trick that would make me feel better today

I am extremely unmotivated, I am overeating in a ridiculous way and I am sick to death of myself

I know that the food thing is yet another face of my addiction come up for a bite of me.....I am doing something about that starting today, but what I want to know is WHY?

Why have I been inundated with every facet of my fucking 'dark side' this past month or so?

Why am I feeling so empty?

Why aren't the same things that have kept me going for the last two years enough now?

Is it just the way I am looking at things?

Probably.....and yeah I can get to gratitude and I can take back my power and I can see and see and fucking well see where I fall down.....yep, I can do all that.......

I AM SICK OF PICKING ME TO BITS!!!!

I guess some masks and blinkers have been removed from me. I guess I have some empty spaces, that I created when I let go of stuff, to fill with healthier things?

I just wish I had the energy........

Well, get this universe......

I have had enough now. I need some respite. Next week I am telling my sister I need her to come down for a couple of weeks after Christmas so I can just do whatever the hell I want to....without the guilt.

I might figure out what it is that I actually want.....because I don't have a clue.

I am in a place of not trusting myself or my own judgement after reviewing where I have taken me this past year.....maybe that is it?

Acceptance?

Courage to change the things I can???

Wisdom to know the difference???

Hmmm........

I am confused, I am in pain, I don't know what to do and I am sick of it.

I want off this pity pot!

Today I pray for clarity.....

and balance

yes

balance

because, to be honest with me and you, I feel like I am teetering dangerously on the edge of depression here......and I can't afford that, I don't have the fucking luxury of retreating into myself to lick my fucking wounds and I guess that pisses me off too.

Infinite patience, my arse.....

2009-12-09T22:35:00.002+11:00

I have nothing to say...

I am tired

I am cranky

I am sad

I am

enough

I would quite like to slap a few faces as well....

grrrr

inside and out

2009-12-08T23:38:00.003+11:00

I had a lovely morning with my friends eating brekky and drinking lots of coffees

Then I had to go to the maul and shop for Christmas.....I got a park in 5 minutes and wandered around the' not all that busy considering its Christmas' shopping centre, I have now got pretty much 95% of my shopping done.....

I actually have had a pretty awful day on the inside though

I found that sometime yesterday I moved back into myself, into my centre......I am very tired in here from all the running and I am incredibly sad. I know I am feeling a lifetimes worth of sadness here and it isn't just about any one thing, or even any recent thing, it just seems to me that I have all this sad that has been buried in me for ever and ever and on some level I have decided it is time for me to feel it....

I went to the beach for an hour or so and got blown around this afternoon.....I drove to a meeting tonight and it was on step 2.....*grin*.....yeah, I think I believe by now......

I did some reading on step 6, and I drove......

I had my music blaring and I sang my damn heart out whilst doing 120 k's an hour and crying hard.......it felt good!

Then I drove some more and handed every damn thing I could think of over to god.....

Then I listed every defect I could think of that I ever indulge in and asked for them to be gone.....it felt like a good and right time and I am so sick of turmoil

I will write on this stuff as it comes up and I will continue to ask but I have to start somewhere