la de dah dah......

I enjoyed my colour today

It's been a while

:)

How do I feel?

Abandoned actually.....

Abandoned by my art.....

Abandoned by my friends......

Abandoned by my family......

Abandoned by my mother......

Kind of weird really because I am still here for all of you.....

as always

Maybe it's my turn to be the victim for a change?

Just sayin'.....

PFT....

Maybe it's just time to see things clearly.

It's been a year now....

I don't think I wrote about the day my mum died last year.

I don't think I have written very much since then either, really.....

It has been a wild and woolly year in a lot of ways

Grief is a funny thing and WILL be processed no matter how much you think you are avoiding it

So I have found....

On the night of January the 27th last year I was laying on my bed talking to Ken, we were just talking about random stuff, and about mum I think....anyway all of a sudden I remember sitting bolt upright and telling him it was time for me to go, I had to go to mums place and stay that night.....so, I did

I got there and my sister was freaking out a little and mum was up and in the bathroom, sitting on top of the toilet. She was in a very disorientated state and also in a lot of pain. I remember her looking into the corner of the room and saying to the 'empty' air, "Okay, I've had enough of this, get me out of here".

Somehow, with difficulty, I managed to get her to take her pain med's and eventually she went to sleep. I slept in bed with her that night, my sister was just outside the door.

In the morning of the 28th we got the doctor over as she was very agitated, not 'with it' and couldn't get her med's down. He gave her a shot of morphine and palliative care came over and put her on a morphine drip.

She only woke to tell us to get Robert, the kids 'dad' and to recognise Shelli when she came....

Not long after that she died.

We were all there in the room with her, we all told her it was okay to go.

Just before she went I felt a huge energy enter the room. I remember I said "they're here".....my unconscious mum opened her eyes and looked up into the right hand corner of the room. It was a look of wonder on her face and a tear rolled down her cheek.

Then she took her last breath.

It was an amazing experience.

There have been many many times this last year when I have missed my mother. But I don't wish her back. Not to that pain and misery she was living.

I feel her around me sometimes and I will never forget her.

In my time caring for my mother this blog kept me sane. Through this blog I met the lovely Renee, Daria and Barry. All three of these wonderful people have died from cancer this past year. Daria just last week.

Cancer is a bastard of a thing. It truly is.

It steals people from us under awful conditions and yet, how we grow in that process.

Not saying I am grateful mind you, just observing.

Anyway.....it's a new year now.

Onwards....

A glad tiding....

I have a hard time focusing these days.....

that is not really okay but I am trying to accept that this is where I am at for now....

Good news is that Shelli is currently OFF meds and feeling like a 'normal' human being after a very long time of probable over medication and a long spiral downwards. Early days yet but we shall see.....

Amazing what can come about from an insistence on medication change, several rude nurses and a lot of determination ain't it.

Sometimes little miracles happen.

Yes they do....

just so you know

Well, not too much to report really

I survived K going away for two nights LOL

I got sunburned at the beach today, the beach that I am going to regardless of how revolting I look in my swimmers!

I went to the gym too, to combat said issue, but fear I should have started a year ago......oh, hang on, I DID DO THAT......so, why did I stop?

Life goes on...

True Blood is addictive....

sigh

I will get more interesting one of these days

or maybe not

Have a good one people