just so you know

Well, not too much to report really

I survived K going away for two nights LOL

I got sunburned at the beach today, the beach that I am going to regardless of how revolting I look in my swimmers!

I went to the gym too, to combat said issue, but fear I should have started a year ago......oh, hang on, I DID DO THAT......so, why did I stop?

Life goes on...

True Blood is addictive....

sigh

I will get more interesting one of these days

or maybe not

Have a good one people

ah

I am a boiling pot of emotion created by my own sense of powerlessness and as such need to recognise that I can change and control only what pertains to myself.

As for the rest, if I keep it all in the day, and in this day only, it needn't seem so overwhelming.

I can do this

I have to

I need my sanity!

I have been to the beach, soaked up some sun and gotten to gratitude for the things and people in my life.

One at a time ...LOL

gritting teeth

Still furious.....

working on accepting that my life is surrounded by chaos for now and trying to get motivated to find some peace on the INSIDE

hah

not holding my farking breath though

every little thing is rubbing me raw right now

argh

OS I washed the car just before it rained

*giggles hysterically whilst kicking small animals*

GRRRRRRRRRR

Yeah okay

SO I went to the gym and I started getting organised.....

now I am furious!

Organised my ARSE!

There is not ONE THING in my life that is organised at the moment.

My house is half finished everywhere I look...my life is a FUCKING MESS that I can't clean up by myself. I am so frustrated with it all it's making me depressed.

AND the rain can just bloody well PISS OFF!

Grrrrrrr

You know, I sit here sometimes and I try to work it all out in my head.

Yeah..... Oh oh

I try to find the 'solution' for all the varying people in my life and their problems and then, eventually, I remember that I am the only one I can actually do anything about. In a practical sense. My expectations are my downfall or my joy, depending on how realistically I set them.

I am trying to pass this knowing along right now, to a few people in my life, and it is funny (not haha) how difficult some people make it for themselves.

My life right now is affected by those around me and their varying problems. This is frustrating, to say the least, and very not least because I can't find the energy to get out of my own road so I frustrate myself.

Tomorrow I will make an effort to do some things I keep putting off. Like exercise and organising my space. Next week, my aim is to stay home long enough to start a painting.

Or if not that, then to pick up the renovations again.

Or bath the dogs and wash the car....

There are things that need doing and I know I will feel better when I start doing them.......

argh

I don't know that it was ever real

but it is gone

so I miss it

that safe place

that was supposed to be you

where to run to now

when I am running from you

if not to you

paradox?

perhaps

relevant even so

It appears I am here....

Hmmmm....

Seems there are only so many games of Bejewelled Blitz I can stand to play and only so many days I can procrastinate on going about life for and also maybe only so many thoughts I can keep inside one little head without exploding.

I love my family and I love my K .....but this is not enough and it is also all too much. That doesn't make any sense I know, but that's how it is.

I am overwhelmed, underwhelmed and lacking any impetus to move my feet forward at the moment.

I am floundering here inside me or I woud be if I had the energy to flounder.

And I don't know why.

And I don't like it.

I am also sick of whinging.

sigh