la de dah dah......

I enjoyed my colour today

It's been a while

:)

How do I feel?

Abandoned actually.....

Abandoned by my art.....

Abandoned by my friends......

Abandoned by my family......

Abandoned by my mother......

Kind of weird really because I am still here for all of you.....

as always

Maybe it's my turn to be the victim for a change?

Just sayin'.....

PFT....

Maybe it's just time to see things clearly.

It's been a year now....

I don't think I wrote about the day my mum died last year.

I don't think I have written very much since then either, really.....

It has been a wild and woolly year in a lot of ways

Grief is a funny thing and WILL be processed no matter how much you think you are avoiding it

So I have found....

On the night of January the 27th last year I was laying on my bed talking to Ken, we were just talking about random stuff, and about mum I think....anyway all of a sudden I remember sitting bolt upright and telling him it was time for me to go, I had to go to mums place and stay that night.....so, I did

I got there and my sister was freaking out a little and mum was up and in the bathroom, sitting on top of the toilet. She was in a very disorientated state and also in a lot of pain. I remember her looking into the corner of the room and saying to the 'empty' air, "Okay, I've had enough of this, get me out of here".

Somehow, with difficulty, I managed to get her to take her pain med's and eventually she went to sleep. I slept in bed with her that night, my sister was just outside the door.

In the morning of the 28th we got the doctor over as she was very agitated, not 'with it' and couldn't get her med's down. He gave her a shot of morphine and palliative care came over and put her on a morphine drip.

She only woke to tell us to get Robert, the kids 'dad' and to recognise Shelli when she came....

Not long after that she died.

We were all there in the room with her, we all told her it was okay to go.

Just before she went I felt a huge energy enter the room. I remember I said "they're here".....my unconscious mum opened her eyes and looked up into the right hand corner of the room. It was a look of wonder on her face and a tear rolled down her cheek.

Then she took her last breath.

It was an amazing experience.

There have been many many times this last year when I have missed my mother. But I don't wish her back. Not to that pain and misery she was living.

I feel her around me sometimes and I will never forget her.

In my time caring for my mother this blog kept me sane. Through this blog I met the lovely Renee, Daria and Barry. All three of these wonderful people have died from cancer this past year. Daria just last week.

Cancer is a bastard of a thing. It truly is.

It steals people from us under awful conditions and yet, how we grow in that process.

Not saying I am grateful mind you, just observing.

Anyway.....it's a new year now.

Onwards....

A glad tiding....

I have a hard time focusing these days.....

that is not really okay but I am trying to accept that this is where I am at for now....

Good news is that Shelli is currently OFF meds and feeling like a 'normal' human being after a very long time of probable over medication and a long spiral downwards. Early days yet but we shall see.....

Amazing what can come about from an insistence on medication change, several rude nurses and a lot of determination ain't it.

Sometimes little miracles happen.

Yes they do....

just so you know

Well, not too much to report really

I survived K going away for two nights LOL

I got sunburned at the beach today, the beach that I am going to regardless of how revolting I look in my swimmers!

I went to the gym too, to combat said issue, but fear I should have started a year ago......oh, hang on, I DID DO THAT......so, why did I stop?

Life goes on...

True Blood is addictive....

sigh

I will get more interesting one of these days

or maybe not

Have a good one people

ah

I am a boiling pot of emotion created by my own sense of powerlessness and as such need to recognise that I can change and control only what pertains to myself.

As for the rest, if I keep it all in the day, and in this day only, it needn't seem so overwhelming.

I can do this

I have to

I need my sanity!

I have been to the beach, soaked up some sun and gotten to gratitude for the things and people in my life.

One at a time ...LOL

gritting teeth

Still furious.....

working on accepting that my life is surrounded by chaos for now and trying to get motivated to find some peace on the INSIDE

hah

not holding my farking breath though

every little thing is rubbing me raw right now

argh

OS I washed the car just before it rained

*giggles hysterically whilst kicking small animals*

GRRRRRRRRRR

Yeah okay

SO I went to the gym and I started getting organised.....

now I am furious!

Organised my ARSE!

There is not ONE THING in my life that is organised at the moment.

My house is half finished everywhere I look...my life is a FUCKING MESS that I can't clean up by myself. I am so frustrated with it all it's making me depressed.

AND the rain can just bloody well PISS OFF!

Grrrrrrr

You know, I sit here sometimes and I try to work it all out in my head.

Yeah..... Oh oh

I try to find the 'solution' for all the varying people in my life and their problems and then, eventually, I remember that I am the only one I can actually do anything about. In a practical sense. My expectations are my downfall or my joy, depending on how realistically I set them.

I am trying to pass this knowing along right now, to a few people in my life, and it is funny (not haha) how difficult some people make it for themselves.

My life right now is affected by those around me and their varying problems. This is frustrating, to say the least, and very not least because I can't find the energy to get out of my own road so I frustrate myself.

Tomorrow I will make an effort to do some things I keep putting off. Like exercise and organising my space. Next week, my aim is to stay home long enough to start a painting.

Or if not that, then to pick up the renovations again.

Or bath the dogs and wash the car....

There are things that need doing and I know I will feel better when I start doing them.......

argh

I don't know that it was ever real

but it is gone

so I miss it

that safe place

that was supposed to be you

where to run to now

when I am running from you

if not to you

paradox?

perhaps

relevant even so

It appears I am here....

Hmmmm....

Seems there are only so many games of Bejewelled Blitz I can stand to play and only so many days I can procrastinate on going about life for and also maybe only so many thoughts I can keep inside one little head without exploding.

I love my family and I love my K .....but this is not enough and it is also all too much. That doesn't make any sense I know, but that's how it is.

I am overwhelmed, underwhelmed and lacking any impetus to move my feet forward at the moment.

I am floundering here inside me or I woud be if I had the energy to flounder.

And I don't know why.

And I don't like it.

I am also sick of whinging.

sigh

RIP

Fly high and far Barry

You lived a good life

and fought with grace and courage

You will be missed here too

the freezing off of the proverbial arse....

Oh my god, it is so bloody cold here this week!

I am having to wear so many layers of clothing I feel like a sausage roll....when K and I went out on the Harley the other day I had so many layers of clothes on I couldn't bloody breathe...erk

This morning I have a man installing a new instantaneous hot water service.......yay for big HOT baths! but boo hiss for turning the gas off and the water so I have no heat for two hours when it is practically snowing on the doorstep.....:(

( I may be exaggerating a LITTLE....)

The concrete slab that all was depending on has finally been poured and soon the builder will build me some more house. This will be good as one of these days I will no longer feel this refugee type status that I have right now. That plus a dining table to eat at and (ahem) paint on will be nice....not to mention a back door and a yard to throw the farking dog into.

Mum's house sale settles today and .....surprise surprise....the bank has charged a million dollars interest and there is JUST enough money to pay all the debts with none left over....sigh.

It's funny isn't it, how some people just come into your life and move into a spot that had been waiting for them and you never even knew it.....that's what my relationship with my K feels like....coming home.

I like it like that :)

BTW the pic is of Kayla's birthday cake lololol

the good, the bad and the downright ugly.....

I am wondering what my next step is...really. I feel, well, I don't really know how I feel. Like I'm just standing here while life moves around me or something. I am cranky and sad and accepting of that. I want to work but not if I have to work...lol. I want to paint but am finding it too hard to start something. I want to do stuff to my house but can't quite find the energy or the inspiration (or the literal space) right now.

So, a bit perversly I suppose, I am very very happy in my relationship with K and with most of the external stuff in my life, but not so satisfied with my internal landscape. Not this week anyway.

I am a bit stuck and am picking at the edge of the glue to see how to undo it and I guess I am okay with that 90% of the time. The other 10% I just want to crawl under a rock and play dead. This feels a bit like depression.....I barely hold it off with a blue sword some days.

I feel a bit disconnected and a bit like going to bed and not bothering to get up till summer. It's fucking cold right now and I don't do cold very well. I don't feel like I am doing anything particularly well right now.

I assume this will change.

Soon please.

I am sick of my own whinging.

*******

I wrote that yesterday....now it is Tuesday and I, of course, am in a different space again.

These things are still underlaying but not overwhelming.

I am not alone and I don't have to do it all at once or all by myself.

I am blessed.

Truth :)

How excitement!

You see this big shiny bling????

It is mine.....

Yep.....

I am now engaged to be married to the very best of men

How blessed am I!

juz thinkin' about life and shit.....

I guess when I was sitting in a too quiet office all day I had plenty of time to write and to think and to play around in my head. In hindsight, while that was nice in some ways, in lots of other ways it really wasn't good for me at all......

Balance

Life seems to be all about achieving some sort of balance in so many different areas.....

I feel like I am coming out of the fog I have been in for the....well, since just before mum died really I guess. Like the world, MY world, is getting real for me again and like I am participating instead of just observing......sort of

I find myself wondering what all the fuss is about. Life just seems to be so fucking intense sometimes but in general, when you take away petty dramas, it really isn't all that hard. It's just about doing....one foot in front of the other, sometimes a little dance, plod along steadily.....then a little dance again......sigh......I begin to see that most dramas are created by bored people.

I see that so many of us create crap to deflect eyes away from ourselves, so scared that someone might actually see who we really are, so scared that that won't be good enough, big/small/rich/smart/thin...whatever enough.

That is sad.

All that potential going to waste through a perception based on fear.

Thing about fear is you just have to move through it.....

the next bit...

Well, I have decided that it time to start this tattoo caper.....this could be fun

I have also been working on some arty type things, pen and ink really, stuff that I would like to maybe turn into custom type tattoos maybe one of these days, when I have a willing victim :)

K has kindly turned some space over to me so I can set up an area to paint in....thank god because I was going mad there

Now I just have to push through the fear.....I am good at that aren't I?

arghhhhh

For goodness sake.....

When did I start to let my head rule my heart?

I seem to be in a place where I have worst case scenarios running through my head and instead of trusting in myself, my experience and my higher power I am just running on what if's....

and yeah, it is driving me crazy :)

Soooooo........I ask myself why, when I have already made these decisions and I am actually satisfied with the consequences of them so far, why do I start to doubt myself, my intuition and even my dream? What is that all about???

Not really relevant, yet maybe it is in a way, is that I had a counselling appointment with Shelli today. She made a very grown up decision to start therapy with a really nice lady and I think she was pleasantly surprised by the progress she has made over the past year. I forget, as did she, that when we are smack bang in the middle of stuff it can be really hard to see how far you have come, how much you have grown and how well you have done to get to the place where you actually are. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy....maybe I need me some of that?

Me, I am afraid I guess. So afraid of fucking up this thing I have, that I am paralyzing myself. I am not referring to anything or one in particular, just everything really. My past history has shown me that I can make some really bad judgements of character, but in hindsight they were all lessons that needed to be learned, it's just that I got burned, every time. I'm a bit over scars....

It is all so different now, and things have changed to the point where I don't recognise anything but mine and a select few faces in the story.....how did that all happen so fast and why aren't I trusting myself?

I suppose that when you make a decision to trust, and I mean really trust, then you also leave yourself open to hurt, major pain type hurt, and self preservation is an instinct deeply built in to this black ducks wiring.....so maybe I just need to stop being paranoid and take things at face value?

Just enjoy it all while it is here and do my best to live it well?

Another damned leap of faith???

Yeah....that might be it.