If you state to the world that that is enough shit now, it stops.
People will always need someone to pick on and sometimes it will be you. How you deal with this would seem to be to state that that is not acceptable and then stand back and watch the universe sort them out for you......
and sometimes you need to say so too
and sometimes you stop wanting something and it comes back for another shot at you and you say no thanks, I really don't think so
I know that is all very cryptic but really, it is boring and all good now so I will leave it at that
I am on the brink of a whole new something.....I find this a little daunting and a lot exciting
I need to make 1000 phone calls tomorrow and sort shit out......oh joy
I need to find a job.....go to it universe, I know it's coming, I just need a little rest first okay.....just a little one.
I am loved, this is pretty much all I know right now and just about as much as I can handle.
Today we are moving Daniel into his little house and all mums stuff out of hers.....my house is getting full of bits and pieces and I am way beyond tired.....
Yesterday I was a cranky shithead
Today I am just going to do what's in front of me.......all bloody day :)
Tomorrow I am going for a long long ride on the back of a Harley......
That should blow the cobwebs away.
I am in the middle of making big decisions here and everything is feeling very easy and safe......a bit disconcerting for someone who is so very used to compromise.
I miss my mum, but I am still grateful she is gone now. I don't think I could have stood to watch her in that much pain and distress for very long. I am very glad I didn't have to make any tough ass decisions regarding that, even though I would have, oh yes, I would have....
I feel her around me and her energy is suprisingly soft and gentle.....
Kayla got into her uni course and Josh got into the TAFE course he wanted, Shelli is doing year 11 this year and they are all eager to be back in town. I will still be here for a couple more months. I need to do Daniel and get him settled and over the worst of the 'empty'....this hasn't had time to hit yet, though he is also feeling a lot like me, relieved and like we have already done a lot of the grieving......we have a counselling appointment next week and he has the most amazing group of friends here too, so he will be okay. My new man has signed him up for touch footy in his team too and that will be good for him, K will be good for him I feel, and having that excuse to come to my house at least once a week, when we get moved and stuff, will also be good. I feel that things will be okay, we just need to muddle through this next bit, get the kids settled in their studies and me doing some bloody thing, I don't know what yet but am being pushed to learn this tattoo stuff so I will do that asap.....good money in tattooing if you're any good....and I will be.
I will stop blabbing now because I must go hang out the washing then packa damn truck.....
It was a good send off, lots and lots of people came and purple was everywhere. The sun shone in between the rain bursts and the priest was 20 minutes late. No one dropped the coffin, the family were united and I managed to speak without crying. Tahni and Daniel spoke beautifully and mum was proud of us all.
Many many thanks to my peeps for turning up for me. Lisa, Nat and Jen...I love you guys.
And you my K, I love you too.
Just so you know, this is what I said....
When Father Richard told me that mum asked for me to speak here today I was a bit horrified. My brain isn’t working properly right now and I am at a loss for words.
My little mum has gone and we are, all of us who love her, at a loss.
My mum was only five foot tall but she could fill a room with her energy. She was a force to be reckoned with, as anyone who crossed her path would know.
She did everything with her whole heart and if you were loved by mum, you knew it.
If she was cranky with you, well, you knew that too!
She was the oldest child born to Jack and Joan Harvey, sister to Jan and niece of Colin and Helen Harvey. She grew up in Wollongong and the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney.
My mother had four children, three very early in her life and Daniel, who came along as a late but excellent surprise. We, myself, Cherie, Alan and Daniel will always remember mum as the parent who loved us with everything she had.
She was a loving and giving person who helped a lot of people through out her life. She had a soft spot for the underdog but did not suffer fools gladly. She would be the first person to tell you to wake up and pull your head out of your bum, as I know from many personal experiences. Trying to write this for mum brought to mind a lot of f words…..ferocious, fierce, faithful, funny, fragile and fearless are a few of them.
She was opinionated and stubborn and had to always have the last word. She could drive you crazy with her pig headedness and she could make you cry with a kind and well placed word. She was also kind hearted and generous and would give you the world if she thought you really needed it. She was a strange anomaly in the business world, an honest Real Estate Agent, and she built a successful business out of nothing just by being herself and doing her best for every one. That’s just who she was.
A mass of contradictions in a way, yet also a simple and true woman.
For me my mother has always been my safe place. The place I could run to when life got too hard. No matter what else was happening in the world you always knew that you could go home to mum and somehow, she would fix whatever was wrong, or at least make it go away for a while. She was my conscience for a long while and she showed me that the meaning of courage was just standing up and doing what you believed was right, that you should always speak your mind and that you can change anything if you want to badly enough. It has been an honour to care for her.
She adored her grandchildren, Tahni, Joshua, Kayla, Shelli and Breock were bright lights in her life and they all gave her a lot of pleasure, especially in this last couple of years. My children and I were privileged to be able to move here to be close to her and Daniel and to spend a lot of time with her before she passed away.
She was Aunty Sandy, Blue Nan, Granny BlueMa and of course, Sandfly. She was also Ms Hooker of Lemon Tree Passage, a role that gave her great pleasure in spite of all of the stresses and, as she would say, that bloody Property management …..
she was loved by many and feared by quite a few. As I said, she could be a force to be reckoned with.
The last two years have been filled with lots of sadness and pain but also many many moments of great happiness and lots of laughter as well.
We have been lucky to have had this time to say good bye to mum. She would have wanted everyone to remember her laughing and happy and proud. She loved going up to Byron to spend time with Cherie and Richard and her beautiful Breock. She loved being surrounded by her family. She loved it that Tahni was able to come up regularly to help out wherever she was needed to. She was so proud of Tahni and of her other grandchildren too and I know she would want me to acknowledge this today. The central point in her life and the reason she did anything was always focused around those she loved.
I truly believe that the reason she hung on for so long even though her body was failing fast, was that she couldn’t bear to let go and not be here to boss everyone around and to make sure we were all okay. I am positive that she is here in spirit looking after us all still.
She worried most about leaving Daniel behind, her youngest son but she also knew that he is a strong and a good young man who has a loving girlfriend, many caring friends and of course, an aunty, a brother and two sisters and a whole bunch of nieces and nephews, who love him dearly and will take care of him for her.
I don’t know what else to say really, except to thank you for being here with us today to say good bye to mum. She is probably here somewhere tapping her foot and telling me to shut up and let them get on with it, so I will.
Tonight before I go to sleep I will light a candle, as I have done every night for the last two years, and I will say a little prayer for mum and for all of us and I will be grateful for having had the experience of her and that she is free from suffering now.
Yesterday we had the doctor over and he was explaining away the 'death rattle' in mum's breathing and a few other choice things like the 'death pallor' and the 'coldness of deaths hand'........(I am tempted to giggle hysterically but restraining myself here)....when lo and behold up she woke and then stayed awake all bloody day. She had a visitor and we all had a few moments with her in which she got to boss us around a bit and a few things got sorted. That was nice.
Monday I got to go and do the funeral stuff. She wanted it sorted so it is......that was fun, not.
Today I get to do the completion of the business sale (finafuckingly) and to school shop with my Shellbell....also I have to sort out car rego and other such stuff.
My brother arrives this afternoon and she knows he is coming so will hopefully wake up a bit today too.
Whatever she likes really....this is her show after all.
My poor sister is now wearing my facial expression and forgetting every second sentence ........I did welcome her to my world :)
Daniel is coping well so far, but we are all together.
Yes Renee, together strong.
Indeed.
I don't feel strong at all actually.
I feel tired.
Have a nice Wednesday my friends......today is a gift.
Mum is still here, my brother is flying in on Wednesday, once he is here I would almost bet money that she won't be here for much longer. She pops back in for a little while each day now but mostly she is gone.....mostly
I saw you fade away from here one foot in this world the rest of you there I hear you tell me I am keeping you here saying good bye is kind of easy because I can't see you anymore
there is a blessing in there somewhere I am sure.....
Mum seems to be a bit worse today, she is seriously disorientated and losing touch with reality. She sleeps most of the time, is not eating, barely drinking and can't think straight. I really think the cancer has gone to her brain now....I really think this is it, that this next week or two may be it.
My Kayla came home today, and Tahni, and they are both shocked at the change in a couple of weeks. I've had Shelli in tears tonight and my sister has arrived and is shocked too. My brother wants to come in the next few days and I think that might be wise. Palliative care said not yet but my gut says very soon.....
I am so glad my sister is here. I am so glad I got the paper work signed even if we don't end up needing it. I am so glad it's almost over. I don't want her to suffer any more, she will hate this bit, she would hate to think of everyone seeing her like this. She would hate it. She needs to go now and go quickly. Just for her. Please pray for this. This will be so awful if it just drags on and on, she is almost not here in her mind anymore, that was what she didn't want.
I am going out tomorrow and taking my respite day, then I think I will be going nowhere for a little while.....
The last few days have been pretty awful for me......
I have been forced into being the 'bad guy' with my mum because stuff needed doing and no one else has done it. That's okay, but it doesn't feel nice to have your little parent glaring at you and inferring she doesn't trust you when all you have done for two years is her shit for her......so no, I am not having fun. But I already said that didn't I.
Just so you know, my children who read this, I don't like it but it must be done okay! Don't judge me, ask your aunty.......she is just grateful it didn't have to be her and so is your uncle.
Anyway, as I sit here typing she's asleep with oxygen on and I am waiting for the solicitor to show up to do the Power of Attorney thing and the Enduring Guardianship thing. Palliative care have been and gone and they are concerned about her mental confusion too......I hope we get this thing signed today because otherwise it will be too late! Though they seem to think she will be around for a little while yet so who knows.....
I have been trying to figure out if I have done my best here......even though I have been distracted at times, by various things/people or whatever, I think I have been and done as good as I could? I don't know why I allow my kids to let me feel like I am not enough sometimes, but do. Maybe it is residual guilt, from when I really wasn't??? I am truly surprised that I am still standing some days. Really and truly astounded. Other days I feel like I am a slack arse and could never ever do enough to make it better for everyone.......
Even if my mother hates me from this day on, which she won't (I hope), I still know that I have been here every step of the way with her through this, and lots of other stuff too.
(Just got interupted by the solicitor, it's all done now, thank fark.....)
Life is funny. My sister is arriving tomorrow and will be staying for a while now, maybe till the end, depending on when that looks like it will be. At least she will get to witness it all and to help and between the three of us none of us is needing to feel like we are doing it alone.
Just for today I pray for the clarity and the wisdom to do the right thing for the right reason and to remember to hand my will and my life over to the care of 'god' because this is too hard for me to do by myself. I pray for my little mum, I pray for my brothers and sisters, my children and me
I've spent the last couple of days nagging my poor little mother in order to get some things sorted out.....like a will! And other paperwork that hasn't been done and needed to be done.
She told me I was a vulture so I put her back to bed.....argh! I am no bloody vulture! I don't even care about the stupid thing, SHE does. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.......
I got it done though, which is good.
The car is sorted, the kids are sorted, the will is sorted (can you believe it has taken this long!) and all that is left is to get a Power of Attorney sorted but I want a solicitor to do that. It's a big deal.....and I don't want all the responsibilty either.....so my sister and brother must be one too.
There are other things that need doing but they will have to wait.....so much stuff that didn't get done and should have while I was busy running the office.
Mum is fading away here, she is sleeping 90% of the day at the moment and I think it is because of the drugs but it's kind of hard to know. They have her on a new pain med and it has knocked her out and we are reducing it to see if this improves but she is still falling asleep sitting up .....I just do not know.
I am spending most of my day roaming around this house while she sleeps. Today I have bought some painting stuff over and I may get some tattoo designs happening to keep me occupied, K has bought two tattoo guns, a liner and a shader, and all the inks and stuff and I am going to teach myself how to do it.....I can make good money from this if I get good enough. And I will! Because I am.....:) But that is for a little way down the track yet, now is for practise and research, just to fill time while I do my mum......it is good to look forward though, looking back is a little useless and a bit damned painful.
It occurs to me that sometimes people read things here and because I don't explain myself well enough, they may leave a little confused.
Sorry about that but I say as much as I need to and if you want to know more feel free to ask. My blog friend Snow has asked recently and due to my state of rather extreme busy-ness right now, I think I inadvertently insulted and confused him. Sorry Snow.......really!
However, I will not usually feel the need to explain or apologise for what I say here.
My last post was very short and just a passing thought really, not an essay, on what faith and hope and gratitude mean to me. It was short because I wrote it to remind myself, not to educate anyone else. I truly believe that these things are relative to each of us and that we get there, or not, in our own ways and that for me to try to tell you how or what to believe would be an extreme act of arrogance on my behalf.
It doesn't actually matter to me, what your opinion or interpretation of faith and hope are, I try to respect them, regardless, because they are yours. I TRUST that they are not nasty and that even if they are I know that I am powerless over what you say and believe.....so I leave it up to God/s/ess to judge, or I try to, because I don't really know you and I never can.
We can, none of us, ever really KNOW another person. All we can do is have an opinion, and that opinion will always be based on our OWN experience and that is why we wont ever know, because unless we can walk in another's shoes and actually experience their experience, who are we to say?
Anyway, that's enough of that.
I have a mother to go take care of.....just for today I will try to be grateful for that.
My mother is spiraling downwards....or upwards, whichever way you perceive it. Her blood pressure is low, she cannot be left alone now and she is as skinny as a stick, she has really degenerated this last week. I don't anticipate this lasting any more than a month or so, but I have been wrong before and will be glad to be wrong again.......
my relationship with my new man is really going well, strangely enough, given the circumstances and all that jazz.....we fit. It is comfortable, comforting, exciting and also just plain nice. I am liking it a lot and am very very grateful for the distraction and the balance this is providing me right now. And I don't actually care what anybody thinks so this is an added bonus. It only matters what I think really......and I am pleased to announce that I am not thinking much at all :)
My kids should all be back in the nest by the end of this week and life will resume......for now, who knows what the hell this will all look like in a couple of months but things are moving at a galloping pace energetically.......
in short, I am really sad, really happy and kind of balanced all at the same time. I am scared but I have support, I am just trying to do each day as each day arrives without projecting too much past tomorrow for right now. There is a part of me that is quite quite detached from all of it. That could be my sanity......
My aunty is down this weekend so I am out of here as much as possible. I do not feel guilty for this....
My dog now has clipped ears and smells good after he rolled in dead bird yesterday and stunk like that......erk
Somebody said to me yesterday that I am perpetuating my own 'pain' here by continuing to talk about my ex and what happened/s???
Have I been doing that a lot here?
I know I have mentioned him a few times this past couple of weeks, because he keeps popping up in front of my face and annoying the crapper out of me...but is that me 'keeping it alive'??? I am a little confused about that one......
Things seem to take on an energy of their own around me sometimes, like separate little vortexes that I step into and out of and yet they spin on regardless of my participation.....
Other feedback would indicate that ex is not doing so well, that other people are picking up on him not telling truths and other such things validates my feelings around some stuff and also makes me think that all I can do is say a prayer for him and try to just let it go. That can be difficult when he keeps reaching out and touching me....he has big energy you know?
But it is not my fault if he is feeling regret or whatever he is feeling right now. I gave him plenty of chances and he chose to blow them.....that is ALL I need to know really, I don't care all that much about whether or not he is coping right now. He is not my responsibilty and I refuse to be drawn into his mind games and manipulations anymore.
OVER.......... this is the aim and the purpose of my talking about my stuff. And if it wasn't entirely before, well, it is now :)
Shelli comes home today, so my child free days are over for now.....sigh, it has actually been really nice even though I do miss them.
K goes back to work next week too so I guess things will change there too......
I leave work this week, that is going to be so weird! TWO YEARS I have been doing this shit every day, two damn years, more than two years. I wonder if I will miss it?
I only know that I am tired. Very tired........
I am off to do this day now....the treadmill awaits and I am running late today.....
I could, feasibly, join the gym now couldn't I........
hmmmmm
(I gave K a foot soup last night :) He was suitably disgusting.......)
Susan Seddon Boulet
