RIP

Fly high and far Barry

You lived a good life

and fought with grace and courage

You will be missed here too

the freezing off of the proverbial arse....

Oh my god, it is so bloody cold here this week!

I am having to wear so many layers of clothing I feel like a sausage roll....when K and I went out on the Harley the other day I had so many layers of clothes on I couldn't bloody breathe...erk

This morning I have a man installing a new instantaneous hot water service.......yay for big HOT baths! but boo hiss for turning the gas off and the water so I have no heat for two hours when it is practically snowing on the doorstep.....:(

( I may be exaggerating a LITTLE....)

The concrete slab that all was depending on has finally been poured and soon the builder will build me some more house. This will be good as one of these days I will no longer feel this refugee type status that I have right now. That plus a dining table to eat at and (ahem) paint on will be nice....not to mention a back door and a yard to throw the farking dog into.

Mum's house sale settles today and .....surprise surprise....the bank has charged a million dollars interest and there is JUST enough money to pay all the debts with none left over....sigh.

It's funny isn't it, how some people just come into your life and move into a spot that had been waiting for them and you never even knew it.....that's what my relationship with my K feels like....coming home.

I like it like that :)

BTW the pic is of Kayla's birthday cake lololol

the good, the bad and the downright ugly.....

I am wondering what my next step is...really. I feel, well, I don't really know how I feel. Like I'm just standing here while life moves around me or something. I am cranky and sad and accepting of that. I want to work but not if I have to work...lol. I want to paint but am finding it too hard to start something. I want to do stuff to my house but can't quite find the energy or the inspiration (or the literal space) right now.

So, a bit perversly I suppose, I am very very happy in my relationship with K and with most of the external stuff in my life, but not so satisfied with my internal landscape. Not this week anyway.

I am a bit stuck and am picking at the edge of the glue to see how to undo it and I guess I am okay with that 90% of the time. The other 10% I just want to crawl under a rock and play dead. This feels a bit like depression.....I barely hold it off with a blue sword some days.

I feel a bit disconnected and a bit like going to bed and not bothering to get up till summer. It's fucking cold right now and I don't do cold very well. I don't feel like I am doing anything particularly well right now.

I assume this will change.

Soon please.

I am sick of my own whinging.

*******

I wrote that yesterday....now it is Tuesday and I, of course, am in a different space again.

These things are still underlaying but not overwhelming.

I am not alone and I don't have to do it all at once or all by myself.

I am blessed.

Truth :)

How excitement!

You see this big shiny bling????

It is mine.....

Yep.....

I am now engaged to be married to the very best of men

How blessed am I!

juz thinkin' about life and shit.....

I guess when I was sitting in a too quiet office all day I had plenty of time to write and to think and to play around in my head. In hindsight, while that was nice in some ways, in lots of other ways it really wasn't good for me at all......

Balance

Life seems to be all about achieving some sort of balance in so many different areas.....

I feel like I am coming out of the fog I have been in for the....well, since just before mum died really I guess. Like the world, MY world, is getting real for me again and like I am participating instead of just observing......sort of

I find myself wondering what all the fuss is about. Life just seems to be so fucking intense sometimes but in general, when you take away petty dramas, it really isn't all that hard. It's just about doing....one foot in front of the other, sometimes a little dance, plod along steadily.....then a little dance again......sigh......I begin to see that most dramas are created by bored people.

I see that so many of us create crap to deflect eyes away from ourselves, so scared that someone might actually see who we really are, so scared that that won't be good enough, big/small/rich/smart/thin...whatever enough.

That is sad.

All that potential going to waste through a perception based on fear.

Thing about fear is you just have to move through it.....

the next bit...

Well, I have decided that it time to start this tattoo caper.....this could be fun

I have also been working on some arty type things, pen and ink really, stuff that I would like to maybe turn into custom type tattoos maybe one of these days, when I have a willing victim :)

K has kindly turned some space over to me so I can set up an area to paint in....thank god because I was going mad there

Now I just have to push through the fear.....I am good at that aren't I?

arghhhhh

For goodness sake.....

When did I start to let my head rule my heart?

I seem to be in a place where I have worst case scenarios running through my head and instead of trusting in myself, my experience and my higher power I am just running on what if's....

and yeah, it is driving me crazy :)

Soooooo........I ask myself why, when I have already made these decisions and I am actually satisfied with the consequences of them so far, why do I start to doubt myself, my intuition and even my dream? What is that all about???

Not really relevant, yet maybe it is in a way, is that I had a counselling appointment with Shelli today. She made a very grown up decision to start therapy with a really nice lady and I think she was pleasantly surprised by the progress she has made over the past year. I forget, as did she, that when we are smack bang in the middle of stuff it can be really hard to see how far you have come, how much you have grown and how well you have done to get to the place where you actually are. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy....maybe I need me some of that?

Me, I am afraid I guess. So afraid of fucking up this thing I have, that I am paralyzing myself. I am not referring to anything or one in particular, just everything really. My past history has shown me that I can make some really bad judgements of character, but in hindsight they were all lessons that needed to be learned, it's just that I got burned, every time. I'm a bit over scars....

It is all so different now, and things have changed to the point where I don't recognise anything but mine and a select few faces in the story.....how did that all happen so fast and why aren't I trusting myself?

I suppose that when you make a decision to trust, and I mean really trust, then you also leave yourself open to hurt, major pain type hurt, and self preservation is an instinct deeply built in to this black ducks wiring.....so maybe I just need to stop being paranoid and take things at face value?

Just enjoy it all while it is here and do my best to live it well?

Another damned leap of faith???

Yeah....that might be it.

hmmmmm

Well, we survived Mothers Day

I feel my mother around me at times and she feels quite pleased with herself........makes sense to me. She feels quite pleased with me too.....:)

As do I most usually

I am contemplating study, as in doing Open Foundation at Uni next semester then possibly spending three years studying nursing......because I can earn money as a nurse, decent money and I don't have to be evicting people and chasing rent money and other such things, I'd rather clean up vomit......sigh

I did say CONTEMPLATING......for now

I can't see me paying a mortgage with what I could earn as an artist here in Newcastle......that way most likely leads to starvation

I am not entirely sure about nursing but I think I could do it and do it well......

hmmmmm

bloody....

When did I ever find time to bloody blog??????

grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Mundanities.....it IS SO a word!

My my my....

So far I have been blasted out of bed three times, once by coco pops...yeah go figure

I am looking forward to coffee with befri in a place where there are no alarms or phones or cocopop munching maniacs......

My damn cursor is having a spazz attack ths morning and I have 7 million phone calls to continue to procrastinate about sooooooooo......

Have a good one people

Later I shall dig holes for 7 or so posts.....well, I will watch anyway!

Yawnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Stuff.....

Well...here I be

Still busy, but in a good way

I have been moving and renovating and painting (walls) and getting my kids settled back in town and other such important things.

I have been loving and being well loved and settling into this new bit of my journey through this life here at earth school.......I think I will like this bit actually, it is starting to feel like I might belong here.

My state of mind has been all over the place for the past few months and quite foggy at times too. My emotions have been numb and also in overdrive and my heart took a step back for a while just to check out the situation and make sure I really wanted to be in it.....and I do, no doubt about that at all. I learned that a part of the grief 'process' is called 'emotional chaos' which I found quite amusing and very apt as I am existing in this state of being about 70% of the time. This is all okay, it is part of the so called process and I am okay with just letting it be and living it till it has passed on to the next bit.

My mother is in the boot of my car at the moment, awaiting a decision being made about what to do with her ashes.

She doesn't mind being there :)

I have moments where I miss her intensely and other hours where I don't think of her at all. I feel okay about that too. My kids are going through their own grieving processes, as are Daniel and my other siblings.

I think the most disconcerting thing is that I am no longer 'needed' in the same desperate way as I have been the past few years. I am adjusting to that. To the knowledge that the world keeps on turning and I don't actually have to be driving it anymore......it is weird and I don't really know quite what to do with myself.

So, busy is a blessing for now.

I have faith that when the time is right, the next thing will show up. It always does.

Life goes on, inevitably.

My Befri is home from hospital and got better in spite of me not showing up very much......the world also continues to turn, with or without me. Hrmph.......

Council has finally approved the deck and so now the fun begins on a new level on home front. Builders and no back steps and concrete slabs and other such stuff..........sigh

What an adventure life is......I need to remember that!

smoooooch

Hello????

I am back online but pretty damn busy.

However, my state of mind tells me that I need to get back to some of the things that keep me grounded and half way sane so, seeings as blogging is one of those things, I guess I will try to find time to do it.....

Besides, I miss you guys.

Watch this space, I will be back soon!

xxxx

soooo.........

Just in case anyone notices I am gone I am letting you know I will have no internet for anywhere up to a couple of weeks.....moving tomorrow and even my fingers hurt

That is all......xxx

Me????

Apparently I have to speak a wish into existence so here I go.....

I wish to earn a good and decent living by using my creativity and my artistic talent and doing something I LOVE.

That is all :)

I am PACKING to move into the other thing I seem to have manifested recently :)

Note to self......must get out of own road.

PS: I have decided to stop being a fuzzy headed moron, it isn't my style and I really need to get back to some exercise, my arse is HUGE!

Now that is really all.....:)

Ready, set, gooooooooo...........

I am far too bloody confused and busy to be blogging my mind right now.

Well, not confused as such, lets just say mind fogged?

Overwhelmed with no energy in reserve for thinking straight?

Ummmmm.........oh, who cares anyway.

I am busy....

I will be back when I am not so busy....

Is this lurve....is this lurve that I'm feelin'.....

I've decided that it doesn't actually matter where my head is at right now because I am operating out of my heart anyway :)

In about a week and a half I am going to be going into overdrive and getting extremely busy renovating and moving into a new house.....simultaneously.....argh

This week I am supposed to be packing up everything that can be packed and possibly trailered over to K's garage, because I will only have half a house to begin with....

It's kind of hilarious actually....

sigh

I am blessed am I not?

I have somewhere to live that will be mine for the first time in my entire life. I find that disconcerting! I may even be starting to feel a little excited!

We did go and buy an antique dresser for the half a kitchen and an antique-y washstand/vanity for our bedroom that is currently a garage.....there IS a plan here to have a bedroom ready asap!

And we are just waiting for council approval to finally happen on the revised plans for the deck/other half of the house.....snort.

Ahhhh, my life is fun. Really! I spent a large part of this weekend on the back of a big black Harley Davidson riding around in the sunshine and having some fun with the guy I love. How can I complain? I need to remind myself that my life is just an experience. An adventure even! How awesome is it that I have all these blessings?

I have two more young girls I hope to form some sort of nice relationship with eventually. My K has two daughters and my hope is that we all get to be good friends, his kids, my kids, we two grown ups. I don't expect to have to be mum to them, they have a mum, I don't expect K to have to be dad to mine, they don't need that. If we can all manage to respect and care about and for each other to some degree then life will be sweet. This move will hopefully be the first step in facillitating this stuff. Distance has been difficult. There haven't been too many nights I have had to spend alone in the past four months and this has required a lot of travel and running around and some mixed emotions as well on the part of the kids who may be feeling left out, whichever lot that may be at the time. I know this will all settle down and become something else once we are all close by. Time will tell how that goes and I just hand it all up to my 'god' to look after. If I think about it too much my head caves in!

All I know for sure right now is that I love this man. I love to be with him, I love the way he makes me feel inside, like a woman and a kid and a damn goddess too, I love feeling cared for and about and I love caring for and about him. I love the way he calls me Midge and the Babe, the way he throw his head back and laughs like a loony and smiles with his eyes. The way he runs around like a maniac, head down and full tilt and I love the way he holds my hand all the time and rings me 100 times a day. I love it that he is passionate about stuff and does it even though it hurts him sometimes, that he thinks his daughters are princesses even though they drive him to despair sometimes, that he thinks I deserve the best. I love that stuff. And a whole lot more. I love the way he loves me. Fullstop. So, I'm jumping in here feet first I guess, because I choose to trust my heart. And I would rather love a whole lot and risk getting hurt, than not love out of fear and miss out on a whole lot of beauty for the sake of an imagined fear.

I choose love. I never want to not choose love. Having said that, I am also no idiot. My eyes are wide open. Now.....onto the rest of life

I did my first tattoo this week! I did okay and can see me doing better. By the end of a couple of hours I felt I could handle the gun okay. Now I guess it's a matter of practice and seeing things in a way that allows for the medium. Hmmmmm.......I have seen some wonderful tattoos in my researching lately, I hope I can get that good one day. I hope I can be good enough that I can make a bit of money out of this on a regular basis. That'd be cool.

I am grateful today. For choices, for love, for free will and for you.

Yes, you :)

Have a good one people, take care of you and yours.

Stuff about stuff...

Life can be challenging can it not?

I find myself in a place where I am examining everything and if it isn't important to me or mine then it can basically get fucked.

I have learned over the past year or so that sometimes the people and things you think are your backbone are actually just full of shit and when the shit hits the fan the shit goes running. That's life I guess.

I have just visited my best friend in the psych ward, due to her depression finally getting the better of her in spite of the most valiant effort by her to not let it do this. I have had to watch this woman get so low that she almost checked out of here and I, as well as a few other friends, have had to watch her spiral down and just hold her hand while she did what she needed to. I am saddened by this but also grateful that she is now down so low that the only way out is up now.

I used to be really angry with some people who I thought were our friends and part of my support system and hers as well, but that is just a waste of energy. Energy I don't have right now.

Some people want what you have so badly that they will just take it. Weird isn't it.

As for me? How am I? Well, I am up and I am down. I am very very happy in my personal life. I have a good man in my life who treats me well and who loves me.

Perversely, I am also feeling kind of depressed and a bit stressed out and that is understandable I suppose, given all the different stressors I am experiencing or have experienced recently in my life.

I am feeling a bit less than confident for some reason. Doubting myself and my capabilities. Doubting my self, full stop. I don't like it.

I was talking to Munchoman this morning and he pointed out to me that I have let my 'routine' lapse lately, that I have stopped exercising, haven't been writing or blogging, which has always helped me to reflect on where I am at, I haven't been to the beach and I haven't been practicing my art, which centres me. And he is so right. I haven't been doing any of the stuff that makes me me and then I wonder why I feel so far away from myself. I have just been running around trying to avoid sitting down and feeling sad stuff I suppose. I can do the happy but the sad is what kills me. I don't like sad. I never have and i AM SO DAMN SICK OF SAD.

I am about to get really busy now and life will be full of stuff. I am moving into a new house, that I am going to be buying, with this man I plan on spending the rest of forever with.

This is all fast and big and exciting and scary too.

I don't have a job and I will need one sooner or later. That is scary too. I don't have a clue what I really want to do to earn money. I would like to go get qualified for something but I don't know what. I could probably swing it, financially, that I could do some sort of study, but what? I guess I should just try to have some faith that I will know what to do when the right time comes. But sometimes that doesn't feel like it's enough you know? Sometimes I feel like I don't know anything and that I deserve to be nothing, have nothing and that isn't right. I deserve the best. The very best I can possibly imagine. And you know, that, for me, isn't all about money and things, though money and things are nice and I like them, for me, the best is about the people I have around me. It's about knowing my children are on the right track and that the people I love in my heart are okay and happy. That they know that I love them and that I do my best for them. If I am doing my best I can't be doing any better can I??? I just want to know, here in my heart, that it's all real. Honest and real.

I figured out a while ago that if I have honest and real and if my life is based around those two things then everything is okay, regardless of anything else. Sometimes honest and real isn't pretty and sometimes it hurts. But it gets balanced out by those other times when you just know, in your heart and your gut, that you are in EXACTLY the right place.

And I am. In spite of my messy at times head I know that I am doing the right thing. I am not always ecstatic here, I am not always smiling, but I am happy and I am satisfied that this is right. I can't ask for more than that right now. I trust what my heart tells me and that feels good.

I like it like that.

Frug!

I am excited, grateful and a little bit crazy :)

So, what else is new.....

I have a vacate date for the new house and it is only a couple of weeks away....thus I must pack!

I must also purchase many things like paint and paint and paint and floors and stuff and paint too.....

I must move a big house full of crap into a little house, this should be fun

*grins madly*

I better get a quote from a removalist so I can have a heart attack....

I'd better throw out lots more crap.....

Hey MunchoMan! I need our deck!

NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

ahem....

*grins and cackles like a maniac*

Life on life's terms...

I'm finding it hard to concentrate just lately. Actually, I think this has been going on for a while but I was just too busy to notice. I guess it's due to stress????

I am so over waiting for things to happen. I would like to have a situation where I can just get stuck into it and it gets done you know?

As it is it seems that every single damn thing in my life at the moment is taking it's own sweet time to happen, regardless of what I want or think I need.....sound familiar??

Powerless.....I hate powerless, but I am trying not to let it get on top of me. I just want out of here!

I want to be working on stuff that means something to me. To be building a new life filled with things that are important to me and to mine and to be moving in a direction away from this here. This here is a sad place, at times a mad place.

Limbo, I am in limbo and I fucking well hate it.

I want to be excited about stuff but something inside me holds me back.

Today I had a huge attack of the 'I'm not good enoughs'.......not good enough to get a job, to have the things I want, to have the relationship I want, I can sometimes get in this mood where I question the validity of everything I know in my heart to be true.

I question my own reality and could easily throw myself away in a moment if I let myself go there.....it's scary sometimes, to be me.

I question the truth in what I am told, I question the decisions I make based on my intuition rather than my head, I question the people who love me.....I don't want to do that. I don't like the little army that gets in my head some days.....that army is out to get me.

Today I feel very very sad and angry and a bit lonely. Which is silly really. I don't much like being alone right now and I can't seem to sit still and just be......I kind of miss that but I figure I will get back to it eventually.

I think I am actually quite stressed and also perhaps a bit depressed. I feel kinda heavy and dull around the edges and I can't seem to get motivated to do the things I used to like to do. I know this will pass and I am confident that everything will work out, 95 percent of the time, the other 5 percent can be fairly unpleasant right now. It will pass, I know this.

Slowly but surely my mothers affairs are getting sorted out. We have accepted an offer on the house and other financial matters are being sorted out. Not as quickly as I would like but what else is new?

I am embarking on a new life adventure soon and will be moving back into town, into a house with my man and so, into a whole new situation. I do this with my eyes wide open and am looking forward to it, most of the time. I get a little wobbly sometimes, because it is daunting as well as exciting and part of me would just like some peace and quiet for a long long while.

I find it interesting at times to sit back and watch me try to sabotage myself. And I also find it interesting that I can't be bothered playing games anymore. There are some situations in my life right now that, if I chose to buy into them, could do my head right in. But they really are nothing to do with me and the people involved in them are not who I want to be giving my energy to, ever. So, I try to choose not to. Going back to the fellowship has definitely been an experience for me. I don't really like it much actually. I am grateful for it, but it can be a very sick little place too. I need to be aware of that and not let me be dragged into dramas that other people create so they don't have to look at themselves.

I don't really know why I am rambling on, just trying to get it out of me I suppose.

It's my 44th birthday this coming Sunday and I don't care. I just do not care. I am powerless over grey hair and wrinkly bits too.

I just want a deck dammit....

Sigh.....

Truth and lies....

I always suspected

that the pillow you laid

beneath my aching head

would crumble

into a thousand dusty feathers

one day

Yet I open myself wide anyway

here, beneath you

I lay the bare bones of me

hidden under these musty layers

my soul shines here

the very truth of me

if you care to see

Just for today

I am seduced

by a dream

I choose to believe....