Fun in charcoal.......

Woo hoo...that was fun!

These are 20 minutes poses and I am very rusty but........!!

I was pretty good

and modest too :D

My life is damn weird right now!

Ten things.....pass it on!

Ten things I am truly grateful for today?

1. Me....my core strength and my willingness to be wrong in trying to get it right :D
2. My treadmill.....and elastic torture things.....I feel GOOD and can see a difference now. Persistance pays off, TRUTH!
3. Not smoking for 15 weeks now.....I can do half an hours reasonably sweaty exercise with out stopping, and actually breath the whole way through it...unheard of for me before now! I'm upping it daily......Then I can keep dancing around my house for another hour......I am loving this!
4. You, yep, you
5. Meetings
6. Sunshine and sun burn and the ocean. I dunno why getting sunburned makes me feel good but it does
7. Music....oh yes, very grateful for music right now
8. My Higher Power...I am so very grateful that I have one, or two, or ten :D
9. Awareness......without this I would be a dead duck.
10. Time out from my mother this week to sort my head out. Thank god for that.

Tonight I get to draw naked people!

I hope it's a lady with a great arse and not a big fat guy!

I am a little bit excited about that.

I am a little bit excited in general right now.......

My son found me dancing around the kitchen this morning while I was cooking tonights dinner and having just kicked arse on the treadmill and torture devices just before getting ready for work and putting food in his belly.......he thought I was funny.

I think I am fucking great!

Snort!

He doesn't realise that he made me like this......

Ten things people......make your list!

Thats all I need.....

Letting it go...every time I pick it up

Sitting in the happy

Having faith

This is my goal for the week....

It is called the, 'Rain Bird Award', and it was created by Michelle at Crow Feet. Michelle has decide to bestow this particular 'Award' to those who have found, “Peace under Pressure”. It is dedicated to “every person who has come through their own personal 'war' with...if not their dignity and sanity intact, then at least with compassion and humour.” There is a marvelous story that belongs with this and one well worth reading!

Bogey had this to say, and he has passed it on to me :)

Personally, I believe in order to be able to achieve that, one must be able to walk through the burning coals of life and come through blistered, but not crippled. Bent, but broken. And, to be able to show compassion and empathy while maintaining a certain amount of gratitude and humility. Trying hard to believe that I fit all of this criteria, and although there were no direct instructions, I have decided to bestow this new, if not worthy Award, to the following people.

Sarah Lulu from Normal is a Cycle on a Washing machine has seen fit to give me this one :) Thank you Sarah Lulu and I hope you are feeling much better.

It comes with instructions -

1. Thank the person who gave it to you.
2. Answer the questions below using only 1 word answers.
3. Pass it on to six other bloggers that you think are also "Over The Top!"

Some of the questions are a little odd, but whatever!

1. Where is your cell phone?Here.
2. Your hair? Wild.
3. Your mother? Aussie.
4. Your father? English.
5. Your favorite food? Seafood.
6. Your dream last night? Don't remember
7. Your favorite drink? Wild Turkey.......... damnit
8. Your dream/goal? Love , to be an earning artist
9. What room are you in?Dining.
10. Your hobby? Painting....unfortunately for the moment hobby is apt.
11. Your fear? Loneliness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Not here.
13. Where were you last night?MeetingS.
14. Something you aren’t? A liar.
15. Muffins? Blueberry.
16. Wish list item? Not telling.
17. Where did you grow up?Sydney
18. Last thing you did? Ate.
19. What are you wearing?Black haremy type pants and singlet.
20. Your TV? blerk.
21. Your pets? Dog and two cats and five kittens and two budgies.
22. Your friends? Wonderful.
23. Your life? Full.
24. Your mood? Hopeful
25. Missing someone? Yes.
26. Vehicle? Hyundai
27. Something you’re not wearing? Sunscreen.
28. Your favorite store? Lots.
29. Your favorite color? Blue, with purple coming in a close second.
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today.
31. Last time you cried?Yesterday.
32. Your best friend? Me.
33. One place that I go over and over? Beach.
34. One person who emails me regularly? Shelli.
35. Favorite place to eat? Cafe.

I do not have the wits right now to decide who shuld have these awards and so I am offering them to any who feel they would like them.

Thank you so much Sarah Lulu and Bogey, for your continued support.

Better....

Yesterday?

Yesterday was nice.

Fish and chips and a walk right along Nobby's Beach......

Got sunburnt sitting on the end of the breakwall for hours

Talked about stuff

Got rained on and a little bit blown away

Then the sun came out

I love days like that

sigh

Sunday sanity......

It is early on a Sunday morning here....

It is a little cool and wet and has been raining overnight.

The birds are singing, the house is asleep.

I have been awake for an hour or so and am still pretty tired.

I think yesterday burned me out a little, all that crazy energy and no where to put it.

I have some stuff to do and say today that has me a little spun.....

That's okay....at least it will be done and then I can stop stressing about it all.

That will be nice.

This week I have been very very aware of my head and my patterns and my very strong desire to escape my reality for a while. Because of this awareness, and because of my nature, as an addict, I have taken steps to keep me safe.

I can see these feelings only becoming stronger in the months to come, as life gets harder and mum gets sicker and whatever else happens ........so I got me back to a place where I know I can be safe.

Otherwise my head could use the excuse that I haven't been for so long, to let me go out and do something I may regret.

I am actually fairly pleased with me for being able to see this and to not let pride get in my way. To be able to do what might be needed for me one of these days, that has been needed this week. It just showed me that I can.

And maybe that was what I needed to know.

Regardless of anything else, I need to keep me and my kids safe.

It's all hard enough without me making it harder for myself.

I need to keep it real and I need to keep it in the day.

This day.

These things I must remember, even when I very much don't want to.

Even when.....

Going out of my house/mind

This afternoon I was feeling a bit manic and rather self destructive

I wanted to muck up and act out big time

By ten to four I was on a roll......somewhere

So, I jumped in the shower and got dressed

Hopped in the car and went awol

I had to leave the house and driving felt good, in fact I didn't want to stop

I wanted to drive and drive and drive until I got somewhere where I wasn't anymore

so

I went to two meetings tonight, back to back NA and AA

Now I remember ......

I also went to the beach and visited with a very large tree

I don't seem to be able to ground myself very well right now

tomorrow will be interesting

sigh

Saturday is.........the day before Sunday :D

Okay

A new day....

I am liking the treadmill and that dancing around really fast like a nut job is good for me.

I am not loving stomach crunches and am wondering if it REALLY hurts should I be doing it?

"Ohhhhhh, can you meet me half way, meet me half way...."

Am also loving that song right now.

I can do half way!

Curiouser and curiouser.........

I have had the funniest, strangest day

I don't know what the fuck is going on here but it is all a bit too weird for me

I am being driven here

I am in the drivers seat but my hands are definitely not on the wheel

Hmmm......

Hmmmmm again.

This morning I hand it all over yes?

All being various things but mostly one....

ThenI had a phone call this morning that made me quite happy, in a what am I , crazy??? kind of way.

We will see where that goes. I am not holding my breath however.

I finally got off my big butt and drove over to/from whoop whoop and had a lovely coffee and many cakes with my Natsy and her Mark, it's been far too long since that happened.

Then I went to the psychiatrist with my Shelli, who is cutting down meds and generally doing really well. This was a nice appointment and he was over the moon with her. That felt good.

I did boring stuff like visiting government departments and picking up school letters and so on.......

Then I had more coffee with my BFFFFFFF and HER Marc and was entertained by family squabbling and the war of the esky...I dunno who won

I also went to a Womens Meeting tonight, that was interesting, and insightful. I forgot how the 'madness' creeps up on you.....I also forgot how hard we can all be on ourselves. I sat there and listened to these women call themselves silly bitches and insane and other such stuff and you know what. I am not those things.

I refuse to call me them.

This reminded me of one of the reasons why I stopped going to meetings in the first place. The very labelling of oneself that makes these things so.....so I told them/me that I was actually a really fucking strong person who just needed a reminder of that thank you very much. I also told them that if they too, did what I did, which was pretty much just not pick up a drink or drug on a daily basis for a very long time that things would start to make sense to them too one day and their insanity would go up to a whole new level but that would be okay because they would be AWARE of it..........then I laughed a lot and thought about banging my head on the floor :)

Then I went with someone to a meditation group at this little church and was bored shitless for an hour or two. Was given totally conflicting spiritual messages .....by an old lady who wouldn't put her hearing aids in and who told me I wear a mask like in Phantom of the Opera and that I need to tell the truth????

WTF???? Helloooooooooooooo......what is it I am all about here?

Actually the meditation was nice but the arm flapping old ladies were a little too much. However, I chalked it up to the end of a big day and let them flap away.

Ahhhh gawd.

Then I drove the 45 minutes home and got the message I have been waiting for in an email from Nat.

Now I am wired and yet not.

Time will tell.....

I am going to bed.

I forgot to buy my fishing rod :(

Maybe on Sunday......

Hands up ...again

Okay universe...

I've said what I needed to say...

I've done and am doing what I need to do...

This wish I wish

it is always

my undoing

I will do me back up

and wait

to come undone

So be it.

What if?

Link

Do you think it ever really does get any better?

I have been struck by this horrible thought this evening.

What if this is it?

What if all the good stuff has already happened and now that I know what I know I will never ever be able to believe in anything again? What if I have turned into a cynic? What if I can't ever find love again?

What if I really am too weird and fucked up to ever find the relationship I would love to have?

What if no one ever 'see's' me again?

I know this is all a bit out there but seriously....what if?

I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone and struggling and never having someone around to touch my face or rub my neck or hold my hand.....

I do not want that.

But I want real.

Really real.

Do the two actually exist on the same plane?

What is it I am wanting?

I want to laugh, a lot.

I want to be held by one who means it.

I want to make love not have sex.

I want to be looked after when I need it.

I want to care for and be cared for.

I want to have fun and be serious.

I want to live a little.

I want a special song.

I want to dance with arms around me.

I am sick of death and dying.

Is that shocking?

Does that make me a hard arsed cow?

I think not.

I didn't get any great sign from the universe today.

I didn't actually expect one.

Or maybe I did.

Does a random line in an email saying 'It's a sign, Shell" count?

I just don't know anymore.

I do expect I will find love again one of these days.

Or it will find me.

Whatever.

I accept that I am alone. I accept it do you hear me!

I just don't fucking LIKE IT today!

Meanwhile, life and death goes on doesn't it.

I am sick of it all.

As my friend Christopher said today...

Here am I, Lord. Walk with me.

I know I am being irrational here.

I know it in my head, but my heart, my heart aches.

It hurts...

That's okay too.

Crabby's Patties and a little action.....puhleeze

This one is a princess.....

This one is the runt...we call him Runty....snort

Kittens are toooooo cute when they start roaming around and doing little tiny purrs

Oh god, another bloody day is here

Today I am challenging the universe!

I want some sort of sign that I am on the bloody right track.

Some sort of action.

Good stuff only need apply!

I am lonely.....full stop.

Too much cake?

I truly believe I am in the right place doing the right thing.

I just also believe that I need to be doing some more as well, some more that is about me and just me.

I believe this is necessary for two reasons, one, so that I don't end up carrying resentment about having to be doing all this, and two, because things rarely fall from the sky and just land in your lap.

Not in my world anyway.

My intuition is yelling at me about this.

Mind you I'm not all that sure I trust my gut very much these days, it seems to be leading me all over the shop at times.

It will all come together one of these days but there are steps that I have to take with my own two feet to bring it about.

Can't make a cake without buying the eggs and beating the mixture first.

Trouble with me is I like to make, bake, have and eat my cake all at once :)

sigh.....

Life is what I make it.....

My horse won the Melbourne Cup yesterday!

That made me a little tiny bit richer, because I don't bet much......still :)

I am enrolling in life drawing class today....woot!

I am feeling pretty good.

I am also in hurting in places I forgot I had muscles.....

Putting mum on the plane to Byron at 2.....

That is always like a little holiday sort of...

I wish I had some plans to do something but you know, who knows what will happen and I do have a painting to finish.

I think I will buy myself a new fishing rod this week too......

because I need to go fishing and I am perfectly capable of taking myself.

Note to self - Get back to work wench!