Wednesday, December 31, 2008

what? its over......promise????

The last day of this fucking annus horribilus???

Are you sure??


I will believe it when I see it

New Years Reso???



I am not in good form

I am pissed off

I screamed like a knobhead at my girls last night because the dog woke me up...

at 8 pm....cringe

I am undecided about what to take into the new year with me

Actually, it may well just be Groundhog year for me

or worse

sooooooo looking forward to it

I think Id like to vomit now

Thats how much Im looking forward to it

Weird dreams...well, not weird but definatly rude

Maybe I need some distraction?

Or a foot up the old Kieber Pass

Or anything that isnt this reality?


I feel better 'sickwise' so I think I am not going to bother getting sick, who has time anyway

Sorry to be a drag

But frikken hell

K is going away today

Shell is going out I think, if I let her

Mum wants to pretend New Years isnt happening

Darlin would like me to go down the coast and do it with his son and etc

I would like to not do that

So I wont

Maybe I will sit here in silence and contemplate my navel and find gratitude for something



Have a Good One people, I wish you all Happiness and Peace


Tuesday, December 30, 2008

tis the season to be sillyyyyyyyy

Shame I cant be bothered

I think my body is fighting off the throat thing others seem to have

Glands are undecided as to whether they will stay swollen or not

Just a general blah feeling

Mum too...but her throat is sore and she feels like shit

Oh well, I refuse to have it!

Slept a lot yesterday which was nice but boring

Have to go run around like a blue arsed fly in town today with Dr appointments, counselling appointments, centrelink business and taking mum to meet baby Noah.....this will entail lunch at exes which may or may not be nice.....anyway, it will be done

K is off to Tuncurry for the New Year tomorrow

Little bro and girlfriend have absconded to Byron

which leaves me and Shell with mum....hmmmm

Dont know if I will be doing Hat Head now as well, never mind, but we will see.

Mums oncology appointment is on the 9th...this will be interesting as the head will have to come out of the sand.....fucking cancer

Have had to cut the hair on puppysons head as he was growing a coif with a curl....looked like Rod Stewart

Operation pee off carpet is working so far.....hasnt been off his leash much though

This is Kaylas and Tahnis xmas centrepiece...K is a swan maniac as you can see

Little bro gave nephew a fishing rod for chrissy...this was the result! Most impressive, yes

Have a good one peeps

Sunday, December 28, 2008

"comes but once a year"

....for a bloody good reason

In short?

  • many people
  • too much food
  • no fights except for me and him
  • no cutting
  • late nights
  • did I mention many people?
  • aunt at my house was a brilliant idea plus some nice angels made her miraculously pass out before she got obnoxious EVERY time....
  • everyone slogged their guts out, ate too much, etc etc
  • scored nice pressies, perfume ( J' dor or whatever its called), outdoor table and chairs, byron pants, beautiful dragonfly vase and stuff
  • kids liked theirs
  • all in all was good
Am frikken exhausted inspite of having done nothing much except eat

Thank frik its over...waved the aunt off today..byeeeeeeeeee mwa


Will be in bed before midnight tonight!


Thank frik this year is nearly done

Mum is not very well...

Now for the next bit


Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Farkin hoho

Chandi got into the toilet bin last night

Every female in this house has their period.....

Chandi has been to the vet today and made to vomit a lot

That cost me $200!!

I am very happy about that

I am also happy that he smells like vomit and now I must bath him

Are we there yet??

I love Christmas


Have a good one all and keep your hounds out of the toilet

Its very expensive...


Tuesday, December 23, 2008


That would be me

Am sat in orifice with nodding head and sore feet

Did go visit ex and baby last night...he looks like ex...

I did suffer a few poignant moments as once upon a time ex and I were planning a little boy...oh well....

And picked up Shelli from hospital...discharge complete, will not be sending her back there in a bloody hurry...they have also managed to lose her brand new dress and 4 pairs of tights...grrrr

I am grateful she was safe and looked after but I dont need the attitude she learned in there...she will be unlearning it quick smart I tell you now.

I am not scared of damaging her fragile self by pounding manners into it...I think she will settle now she is 'out'. I hope....

The way I am feeling I will be asleep from 12 pm tommorrow till New Years day....

So frikken tired

Worn to a frazzle

Oh for a stiff drink...PAH!

A stiff neck is my only solace

poor poor me


Tahni is home till tomorrow

Brother is on train after plane from Perth last nught

Sister and entourage are driving as we speak

Aunty and cousin are enroute tomorrow



Monday, December 22, 2008


Baby arrived safely at 10.40 this morning

Noah James

Looks like "a baby"

7lb 12oz

All is well

Ex is a raving loony


woohoo...I think

Ex's bub is on his way

5 minutes apart

Might have a baby by lunchtime

Ex is beside himself

Funny life isnt it

I am ex wife and he is texting me all the gories....

But how exciting for him!

Come on little kind to your mummy

Funny if he is a she....


Sunday, December 21, 2008

one of these days

I will get around to fixing my blog so it pleases me

It is Sunday

My day off

today I must

*defrost my fridge

*clean my verandah and accompanying windows

*scrub the bathrooms

*wash all towels and sheets etc

*clean up Shellis pigsty ie: go through it for sharp things, a pointless exercise really

and other such things

Shelli cut herself at home on Friday night again


Of course anger is an emotion commonly used to cover up other emotions such as heartbreak and devastation

I will stick with anger

Am about ready to knock her block off

Friday, December 19, 2008

A horrible day but much done...


Thank you for your insights girls, especially you muggle

Now is not really a good time to be judgmental and to project. I just need to do one day at a time I guess....

Had a 7am start today...into Centrelink, I can claim carers for Shelli AND Kayla apparently, this will ease the financial burden somewhat I think....wish I had of thought of it before Rudd gave cares a thousand bucks!

Then to hospital for meetings with quacks etc re Shell....she is on a drug called Seraquil at night and a little during the day to control her sky high anxiety....its actually a drug they use for Psychotic people but in small doses can be good for things like this. It is not addictive and more effective than diazapams etc so we will see. Shelli says her head has 'slowed down' so this is a good thing. Hopefully if she has a break from her head for a few weeks she will be able to apply the other stuff she is learning and her seratonin levels will be more along the line of being helped by the antidepressant..if that makes sense.

Then I ran around like a blue arsed fly applying for birth certificates and shopping for books and oh, etc etc etc

In the meantime my mother rang me every 10 minutes to tell me more things we need to get

And then I got my grey hairs disguised by the hairdresser

And then I came home and cooked dinner

and now I am writing this

I am frikken pooped

And I am going to bed very shortly leaving the girls to watch a movie and drug themselves to sleep

Tomorrow is another fun day

And Sunday is for cleaning this hovel up before guests arrive on Wednesday

How come I get the horrible aunty at my house?


Thursday, December 18, 2008

all done

Well, I am finish SPF shopping all bar one gift!

How good am I....aarrgghhh

Puppyson is at the vet getting chopped today


My Manna from Kev is all gone pretty much but hey its done and finished and I owe nothing much to anyone I hope

I have also done other peoples shopping so am a hero of massive proportions

I managed to turn up at the cottage last night even though I was a bit out of it with exhaustion so a hero I am for sure

dadadada da DA

I have all but one of my slackarse tenants paid up to date, and the other will be in tomorrow or else

Too farking good

Up myself I am indeed

Oh well, someones gotta be


I am in the orifice using up the last of todays energy allotment typing this post but thats ok

Now I just have to find time to clean my pigsty house, mums pigsty house and thank frik darlin will mow the lawns....

I think my period is due so I may snap someones head orf sometime soon but not yet

I am babbling arent I

okay fine



Tuesday, December 16, 2008


Why am I wide awake at 4 am???


Oh well, the kookaburras are laughing at me so it must be funny

Looks like Shelli is staying at Nexus for a couple more days

I am concerned about her coming to rely too much on a system that cant do her healing for her

but a couple of days will make no real difference here or there

I am concerned about her 15 year old mentality liking being 'sick' and 'looked after' when I know that in real life she has condition that needs work and persistance to recover from

I am concerned that she will travel even further down this self harm road and end up in a place of no return, and that I will have to watch my baby kill herself slowly over the years

I am sure my mother was concerned about me in the same way once upon a time but I dont want to have to wait 20 years to see improvement here

I want to smack the child and shake her and inject experience into her to save her from herself

I want to know how to do whatever it is I need to do or be to help her and yet stay sane at the same time

Dont want much do I!

I just know that this kid is in full on victim mode and dont know how to tell her that to identify as a victim and as a 'sick' person will just make her stay one

How do I do this?

Fucked if I know

One day at a time I guess

And I hope that her psychologist can manage to tell her these things too, she is supposed to be very good at what she does but 15 year olds dont always appreciate whats good for them now do they

Grrrrr sob

I am shopping today, and meeting with case managers and other such thrilling stuff

Bloody xmas is next week and I must chase tenants to pay rent or kick them out at christmas time

There are 4 who persist in not paying and yet have promised manna from Kev will sort it out this week. They will get a rude shock if they dont as I am SICK OF THEM....see how they like being homeless...just call me scrooge ok

Im on a mission in regards to puppies who think my house is their own personal toilet....he now lives on a leash until he 'gets it'...I am tough.

Kittens who play wordscaper are funny but need to learn how to spell and stuff

Darlins who decide books from amazon are a good idea for xmas a week and a half before said date are stupid if they think their presents will be under the bloody tree when santa comes

I need to take acting lessons before xmas too in order to act surprised when I get my present from mum that I have known about all along

It is time to go drink coffee


Monday, December 15, 2008


Thats about it

for now...

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Sunday again

I am in a slightly better head space today

Had Shelli home on day leave yesterday

She should be home on Tuesday

I have decided to just be me and she will have to just be her, I cant do staying up all night and constant sleep checks and all that forever. I will save it for when she seems to need it. And she will have to take some responsibility for herself here...she is 15 not 2

We shall see....

I am washing today

sheets doonas dogs cats windows towels etc

There is friggen dog hair everywhere!


I think that puppyson needs a shave as well as a nut job...will see to it this week!

My 2 puppies, including the kitten there, are getting on like a house on fire. This is nice if a touch maddening...

I have only bitten Darlins head off 3 or 4 times in the past few days so I am special

I have new sheets for my bed and a new vacuum cleaner to siphon up dog hair and kitty litter

I live in a nuthouse indeed

Just think, over the next 5 weeks I will have 2 whole week at a time weeks off!

I may be sane by February



Must wash things

see ya


Friday, December 12, 2008

sick of it all

Thats me today

I am pissed off!

I'm sick of it all

sick of sick people

sick of dog shit

sick of working

sick of driving

sick of hospitals

sick of smiling

sick of 15 year olds who try to manipulate everything

sick of small animals

sick of worrying about things

sick of mess

sick of thinking

sick of trying to figure out what to buy for people I don't even like when I have no friggen money

sick of being 'done' as a duty


If I drank I would stay home today and get pissed I tell you

Luckily, Im better than that

so I will go to the hospital and deal with the child who doesn't want to come home but would prefer to stay and get institutionalised and slice herself to ribbons with my blessing, I will spend money I dont have, I will feed the pets and play with them and pick up shit, I will tell mum its all ok and its not her fault, I will drive another 4000000 k's, I will smile at the friggen tenants and inside I will SEETHE


Tomorrow will be another day wont it

Thursday, December 11, 2008

fark part 2

Not really fark

Its fruggen christmas in a minute you do realise!

I have somehow managed to be half organised

All I have to get is a list as long as my arm rather than my whole body

This required me going to Kotara yesterday to pick up laybys.....

I got a park straight away and no queue was more than 3 people long and yet it still took me the best part of 3 hours to get done....

Shell will probably be discharged early next week...must get my head around trust issues before then and have a D & M with her re: cutting and talking before etc

I think...


I forced parent to have the day off today so am orificing by myself

Tomorrow I must doctor and shop and coffee mehopes

Lucky petrol is so cheap at the moment isnt it

ahhh well....onwards we go


Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Gotta love hospitals who tell your kid she can come home on leave but neglect to tell you so when you get there and kid is excited and you have to say no because your mother is stuffed and you cant get her back and then kid gets hysterical and you take her home anyway because you will think of something but case worker should be shot indeed and knew it.

Did you understand that?

Shell is home on an overnight leave. She was up on the computer still at 10 when I went to bed after struggling with my conscience and being told not to worry, she wasnt going to 'do anything'....


Then I had dreams all night about Josh being eaten by crocodiles and I couldnt ever see him again..WTF?

And in my dream it turned out I was the only one in Australia not getting the Manna from Kevin because something was wrong with Shelli....

so, I woke at 5am and have been up since...much more peaceful anyway.

My life is a frikken nightmare at the moment. And I cant even choose differently because its not MY shit I'm dealing with here.

And Im sooooo looking forward to Christmas with all the mad relo's and their dogs coming to stay......

I have put on weight eating constant crap and want to lose that pronto. If Im going to Hat Head I at least want to be able to fit into my swimmers without spilling out over the edges too much. Besides, I dont want to buy new clothes for the stupid orifice. I want some colours!

Puppyson is booked in for de nutting next week. Oh joy.

Puppycat is a maniac fluffball who is very cute and needs worming I think as she is frantic about food

Any food


On a good note, Kayla is doing well on her antidepressant and feeling much better. Thank fark.



Tuesday, December 09, 2008

did you know..

That our senior school kids, yrs 9 - 12, will be receiving a free laptop next year?

My house will abound in computers and I will never have to wait for a turn!

Am a raving loonie but hey, I will be able to tell you all about it instantly.


Sunday, December 07, 2008


I dont really have the mental energy required to formulate a titillating blog post this morning

I will just say that all is seeming okay right now

Shelli is coming out shopping with us for a few hours today

Why I am going shopping on a Sunday 2 weeks before xmas I will never know Im sure

but it must be done

I am so frikken tired!

Running backwards and forwards between town and here and doing orifice and trying to keep eyes open and legs straight is a challenge indeed.

Wasnt this why I moved out here? To avoid that? Oh well......

I will be glad when this year is done with I can tell you

I am booked in for a week in Hat Head on the 17th of January

Hopefully I will be able to go!

Sister is booked in to come down and do mum and girls for that week so good

Perhaps Darlin and I will remember why we are then?

Mum is building up fluid in her belly but not mentioning it (bit hard to miss though when she looks 5 months preggers). She is waiting to get through Xmas.

Poor bugger has had to be up and about this week while I am doing Shelli.

She is buggered too

Ex husbands baby is due 5 minutes ago and he is useless of course.

Darlin is away for some of this weekend

I have a house to clean for money, somehow I will find time
Dirty bastards who skip out owing much rent and leaving shit all over the place.

frikken tenants

I am getting less nice to them I assure you.


The kitten thinks its a puppy...this is funny sometimes.

Anyhoo, on with the day



Thursday, December 04, 2008


1. 5 names you go by.





mary :)

oops...and ANKLE

2.Three Things you are wearing right now

Black satin pjs

Purple furry dressing gown

Leopard skin fluffy slipper boots ( hot not)

3.Two things you want very badly at the moment

3 days sleep

the questions for my answers

4. 3 people that will probably fill this out

who knows

5. 2 Things you did last night

went to the hospital

drove home

6. 2 Things you ate today

passionfruit yoghurt

chinese take away

7.Two people you last talked to on the phone



8.Two things you are going to do tomorrow

Send out commercial invoices

meet with a psychiatrist

9.Two of the longest car drives you have had

into newcastle today

back from newcastle today

10.Two of your favorite beverages

Lemon, lime and bitters


11.Two sports you watch on TV

are you kidding???

12.Three people you have on Speed Dial

no one

13.Five items in your wardrobe you never wear

anything size 8

except for shoes

14. The last 3 books you read

I know I just read them but I cant bloody remember

15. Three weird OCD tendencies you have

I dont think I have any

16. Five presents you got from Santa as a kid




Roller skates


17. Three most visited bookmarks



Kyahs Journey

18. Two items on your wishlist for Christmas

a new handbag

a suprise

19. Five Things you can see right now




dog toy

note pad (in aid of alzheimers)

20. 5 things on your fridge

dog hair

dirty marks


21. Two items you own more than 10 of


pair of undies


Wednesday, December 03, 2008


Just to clarify

Shelli is not at James Fletcher, she is in a kids ward at JHH

Settling in according to nurse I spoke to this morning

As it was, I was too late, she cut her other arm up quite badly about an hour before I picked her up to go, in spite of Darlin being there to watch her. Poor man couldnt follow her into the bath now could he.

She will be in for at least a few days while she is reveiwed by the staff and doctors to ensure she isnt suffering from something else as well as depression, such as Bi-polar or OCD, as some of her 'stuff' looks a bit like this. She is also having blood tests etc to rule out physical reasons. I am pleased about this as I have wandered. Also she will now be properly in the 'system' so future dealings will be easier. And I am not deluded enough to think that there wont be any. I just hope we are getting help soon enough....

Blergh plus

Other than all that, things are okay


sorry, hysteria stepped in

Did I mention that puppies and kittens are hard work??

Especially when they love each other and one is considerably bigger than the other but the little one starts it all.......GRRRRRRRRR


Tuesday, December 02, 2008


This is interesting.

I have abusy day ahead

I have to go get Shelli admitted to hospital today

because she is on edge and feeling a danger to herself

I am not quite sure how I feel about this

I am not quite sure how I feel about anything right now

But that is okay

I am learning a lot about me in this and where I have fallen far short
as a parent and where I am not falling now, but its hard.

I am a bit numb and very tired

But okay in all that.

Send my baby healing please, she is asking for help.