Monday, June 30, 2008

Mondayitis again...


another week begins

another financial year over

this time last financial year end I was here too

but there was no cancer then

not that we knew of anyhow


On a brighter note I did have a nice day off yesterday

I am feeling much better flu wise even tho I still sound like shit


I unpacked my paint!


and set up a work table


looked at my work and remembered what I do when I am not this person in this chair contemplating cancer and chasing rents.....

so fun sort of

I have ideas that require paper and canvas


now to find the time and energy

sunshine is lovely and rain is not


back to the grind......

oh yes, would those of you who wanted to make a drum let me know if you are interested in a workshop sometime soon, in about a month?


Friday, June 27, 2008

Pondering is dangerous stuff

Have been sitting here letting my mind wander a tad.

Was recalling a post of H's the other day in which she wondered if she wanted to be 'known' as a witch. This led me to the thoughtline regarding my own disembarkment of the YAAD plan I had in mind for me last year.....I am aware that I didnt continue because it wasn't 'me' and that I wanted to do it for the people but not for the belief and that is fine and was just my path. Others have a differing path than mine and it all matters not.

My mind then went on to 'labels' and what they are, what they mean, do they mean anything? How do we define ourselves, how do I define myself?

Am I artist?

Am I 'walk in"

Am I addict, daughter, mother, lover, spiritual...........

Does it matter?

My past experiences have labelled me many things and yet I am not any of them and I am all of them.

I am also all the things I am yet to be...

There are some of those labels that I could wear and yet choose not to simply because they only feel like labels to me and not 'self'.

At this point in the timeline of my existance, I am Michelle.

That is all I am and all I care to be 'known' as

Everything else is what I 'do'.

"Do not label me for I am all and I am none of what you expect of me"....thats is the 'thought' that spoke in my head.


I am

I am

I am

Thats enough really isn't it

More than enough!

Back to work

or scrabble


I AM the scrabble queen though and dont you forget it!


Wednesday, June 25, 2008


My x rays have revealed a perfectly healthy, except for an infection, pair of lungs thankyou very much.

I am relief!

I could have sworn I had a growth or two...

nothing like paranoia


So, Shelli and I are a chest infection, with hers being worse than mine as I am actually feeling slightly better today, and we are anti bioticing and getting some sleep tonight for sure.

I want to come partay at the cottage but that would be selfish unless of course everybody WANTS the flu???


Lunch at mine soon, yes??

Mum is off to Byron tomorrow till Monday for nephews birthday celebrations so thats nice for her.....

I will of course be here, right here.....

oh well at least life is predictable this week.

woo hoo


Tuesday, June 24, 2008


I am flu


Had a loverly day yesterday running ass off around town getting things to do with me done

Appointment with specialist re bleeding bits who has advised that I must go in for a Hysteroscopy sometime in the next 2 months to have bits removed and other bits biopsied etc etc. This will be very special and involve me being unconscious while the whole world and his dog stand around with a camera up my bum pulling things out of me. Truely elegant yes! So glad I get to be unconscious!

Been pricked by vampire type lady for checking of iron levels

Been x-rayed by other super type person for checking of lungs that are not very healthy

Been to the lovely centrelink for another exemption for another 3 months so that I dont have to have a job on top of the one I already have.....this is good

and tomorrow I get to go back to quack to see what dreaded x-ray has to say

such fun

I am a bit scared of tomorrow actually

just a tad



Thursday, June 19, 2008

Good news??

Well, hospital appointment was brief and boring

Seems that mums tumour marker levels have NOT CHANGED over the past 4 weeks!

This is interesting isnt it

She has been on the B17 for just 2 of those weeks

They dont want to see her till September now after last time saying that she may need fluid draining within 3 months.......

Thats from 4 weekly to 3 monthly visits?


Thats NOT what they were expecting

or us either

We are going to get our own monthly blood work done just to see

Be even more interesting if the levels go DOWN wont it....


Now, if she can just pull her head out of her arse ...........

..and then


Aunty is back in Brisbane thank fark

I had her in my house for 10 minutes and she must be carrying some heavy yuks.

All night last night my kids were agro and fighting and being assholes in general. Too weird!

And to top it all off I have spent the morning so far on the phone organising CSV who is stuck in town in a car that wont start.


Hee hee, its so bad its funny now, appealing almost to my sense of the ridiculous except that now I will have to drive mother to the hospital in my car which has no opening drivers side window whilst we wait for a part and half of my door is on the back seat and this is not fun....

oh well

shit does happen.......

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

If I had the energy......

I would be pissed off with sick parent and sibling who stay up all night drinking for a week and then on the last night have a giant blue that disrupts everyone including CSV who is on a short trip home so parent can go to the hospital with me tomorrow.

I would point out to parent and sibling that they have had a lifetime to sort their shit out and that now they dont it might be a good time to get real.

I would point out to parents sibling that she is not in fact ever in the right and should be ashamed of herself.

And I would point out to parent that stupid sibling would like to be told she is loved.


I am sick. My throat and chest are not happy with me nor I with them.

Not to mention that I squeezed a pimple on my forehead and then put Dettol on it and burnt the skin around it and so now I look like Ive been punched in the head. Not to mention that at all.....

I should indeed point out to parent and sibling that between them this week I COULD HAVE HAD A FRIKKEN DAY OFF!

I am almost at the point where I will point it all out

but I may wait till they are in seperate states and sober.


Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Headle - Mas

Ha ha hah ahahhh ahhh hahahahaha

Jaqui is a funny one

The head is pleased!



Monday, June 16, 2008


All is well

Baby has been suitably christened and party is done

Darlin has a very cute grandchild indeed

I am well and feeling much less stressed for now

Parent is okay

Rainy and cold but it IS winter, right....

Office is office.

I am sex on wobbly legs as we all know!!

Hmmm...just thought I'd throw that in

Can't have Lisa being the only hornbag around here


Friday, June 13, 2008

who me?

I am stopped whinging now

enough is enough

all is as well as it can be

who am I to ask for more than that?


The sky is very beautiful this morning......

and I plan to escape for a while and go shopping

Darlin's grandson is being christened this weekend

and I will be suitably attired!



Thursday, June 12, 2008

I can whinge if I wanna...

Why am I awake at 2.05 am ????


Ummm, my previous rant was partially tongue in cheek you know

and I did try to communicate with a Mary but she signed out before I could insist!!

I had to come to town to see the quack

in case I was really dying but I'm not

but I am anxiety-fying quite nastily and this is okay but yuk all the same.

A bit of a stress build up I guess

but I frikken hate it

and don't wish to be drugged but what ever works....

I hate being just far enough away that I feel like I'm overseas

I hate that my partner is not here with me to share this load, but thats his choice so what can I do about it.

I hate that I'm too tired to unpack my paint

I hate that my bloody mother is dying of this fucking prick of a disease

I hate that my family are quite happy to leave it to me to do the daily grind and that my whacko aunty who creates trauma and stress is due to arrive tomorrow for a week

I hate that I have nothing and no resources and so the business has to be sold and I cannot buy it

I hate that my sons father is a wanker and I cant ask him for help when my kid is going to go to Germany with not enough money and I don't have any to give him

I hate that you know...

and most of the time I can put up with it and find something to be grateful for

but right now I'm having an issue with it all

and I'm in bed ALONE and I'm sick of it!

so there

Thank you for allowing me to rant and I will feel better tomorrow

or maybe not seeings as it IS 2 am


Wednesday, June 11, 2008

am I here yet??

Sometimes I wonder if I am really here

And if so, how did this come to be??

bloody hell

Anyway, I am


for now

not forever

at least I dont think so

I am abandoned and distressed due to being here

and yet here I must be

while you are all there

and I am still here

as you can see I have nothing to say

but am saying it anyway so you will know I am here

as opposed to there

where I would most likely prefer to be

given a choice or two

I was there briefly yesterday

but nobody cared

so I came back here

and nobody cared

so I went to bed

by myself


boo hoo

Saturday, June 07, 2008

36 hours

In point form, here is my life.....

  • extreme sogginess for days and days
  • mum having frightening reaction to B17.....but all is well, just have to build up slowly and reaction turns out to be a good sign since it means body is releasing toxins ...phew
  • many roofs getting leaky
  • new tenants and leases and banking and landlords abusing and all that crap which just so happened to fall on the same day as I was trying to be here and there at the same time aarrgghhh
  • pissing down rain at 9 am this morning
  • car that wont start as its owner had left the lights on all night
  • walking to office in pissing down rain this morning
  • sun that comes out 2 hours after walking to office in pissing down rain
  • dead as doornail office whose phone has rang twice (mother both times)
  • mother who is feeling good so is cleaning house and will no doubt feel bad later due to cleaning of house but hey...the house will be half clean....and then she shall whinge because house is half clean
  • darlin who is coming today but NOT bringing seafood marinara grrrrrr
  • children who dont wash up and therefore shall be dead and given many jobs to do later inspite of being dead
  • cat who will be dead if she wakes anyone else up all night again
  • dog who is neglected and needs to go live somewhere else except she is a knobhead so cant
  • washing up the hallway and not being done due to extreme sogginess and tiredness of self
  • 2 days off coming up and this is JUST AS BLOODY WELL!!!!!
That will do.....


Friday, June 06, 2008

Groundhog Day!!

....and so are the days of my life!

I will be grateful for peace and quiet??

and unceasing sogginess inside and out

and tenants with leaky roofs

and whatever else today sees fit to bring me?



Wednesday, June 04, 2008


I am having a day off today (hahahahahaha)

To finish cleaning filthy old farts house

It is P*&ssing down rain..

I am playing many games of scrabble

and eating much cheese on toast

then I may go back to bed

and then I will clean!

I wont be driving into town however

that is much too hard

and more than I can cope with

I can just about cope with cheese on toast...

you know how it is

when you are bleeding to death for the second time in a month and cant hear yourself think over the rain on the roof!!

Deafening it is and I am hoping that there will be no June storm this year so as not to tempt the house next door to fall onto mine...thats what it tried to do last year and I WILL NOT HAVE IT!!


have a good day people


Monday, June 02, 2008


Lunch with Marys is fun

Shame about the rest...

life is hard right now

but this is not unexpected

I have much sadness

and uncertainty

so, what else is bloody new.