Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Audrey's meme and the end of the year.....

God, its month end again!

I am hoping I am more organised this time

Wow, how fast did this month fly?

There's hope for November coming sooner yet :)

My curser doovy has disappeared which is a little disconcerting.....


My lovely Audrey from Stage 3 Who Me?? has given me this Meme award

and I must tell you 7 things about me, that you may or may not know

Scary, I thought I'd just about spilled it all on here.....

  1. I am just a kid trapped in this womans body of mine.......and I often see me in a shop window or something and wonder who the hell that is :)
  2. I spent so many years of my life living a lie and telling lies that I wont lie for anything now....this makes some people uncomfortable......tough!
  3. I can stand naked in front of a mirror (literally and figuratively) and not flinch too much......(after all I dont know that lady now do I)
  4. I really love blogger and all the connection that happens on here......its changed my life really and one day I may tell you why, but not today
  5. I like my kids far better as people than as just 'my kids'.....
  6. Ummmm....I have a small diamond stud in the right side of my nose......a turning 40 celebration, and I like it a lot
  7. I like things to be real......really real. I'd rather have it with the 'warts' on than fluffed up, you know? I like to know exactly where I stand. I like for you to know this too. If you can't handle the real me, then get on out of the kitchen........
Passing this on to anyone who cares to give it a go...lets get to know each other a bit more shall we...

Well, thats it for today....I'm off to get frustrated and swear a lot at the computer

Monday, June 29, 2009

Something better....

Best thing for me right now??

This music soaring through my house

and my paint.....

Sometimes you just have to lose yourself

so yourself can find you again

One of those days....

Some days the world just falls down around your ears

Today I am picking up some pieces

I'll be back when I have my head on straight

Not that anybody really needs to know that....


adding this a bit later on......

I am most likely sulking here

I cant actually remember what that feels like, but that's most likely it

Just one of those stop the world type days

I'm okay

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Dialogue in blue....

Something special happened to me today :)

As it does when you are sticky beaking here in blog land....

It went as follows and I'm sharing because it's lovely

and it made me happy, on top of my happy :)

Please check out Christopher's blog

He's a special kinda guy

(he's in purple, I am Blue.....and of course I bow to the masters)

I love this stuff

It just proves to me, yet again, that we are all one, all connected

and all we have to do is touch it.......

from yesterday

Half A World

All so far away,
might as well be galaxies,
at least half a world
to you from where I
sit trying to gather in
the essence of you,
of your passage through
days and days.

I look at what
you have left behind
for me and from it
claim I'd know you anywhere,
if you called my name.

you may remember this one

on the other blog

time flows

through all the days

and the endless nights

and in the pondering of tomorrow

I hold no fear

of things past

and times remembered

only to be forgotten

once again

in this life

or another

endlessly I float

surrounded by the knowing

and the forgetting

and the secrets of my fear

was it yesterday

I saw you

or will it be some other time

will you know me by my name

what does it mean

this year

this time

this me

somewhere inside

someone knows

that time is irrelevant here

The Angel's Flight

The blue angel flew.
The air awoke at her touch
and began to spin,
glowing spiral clouds
running before and behind
her flight above worlds,
all the tangled worlds
she passed in wonder, amazed
at the small flightless
folk who groaned below

and her tears, bright lights, began
to fall like fine rain.

The earth sighed
and the poetry
like rain
cried through
the eye
of a howling storm
and nothing
be the same.....

How cool is that?

I love blogger!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

New day, new painting

Tears on the glass

worlds passing through

floating through starsong

sending blue

Well, survived yesterday

not without a cig mind you

but with very very few

so I am happy with that

and today will be fewer

and they really taste like shit you know


Got a party to attend this afternoon, for the naming of ex husbands new son

and a cottage to fly to also

for some love and giggles with my peeps

all is well


quite well indeedy

I finally finished a new painting :)

and am working on two more

but don't hold your breath anyone

this is a slow process these days


Friday, June 26, 2009

argh ...not yet

Most frustrating thing so far???

Not that I want a smoke

but the amount of times I go to pick one up without really wanting one :)

I am a little bit hyper

...so what else is new!

I went for a walk today...its beautiful out there



here's a funny

I sold a house today.....(bowing gracefully to all the applause)

funnier yet

this house was mums first sale here 8 years ago

and now the last

how weird is that!


Am I still smoking?


I think I've been waiting for the good smoking fairy to flitter along and take care of it for me

Ahh, still delusional after all these years :)


on day 17 of Champix

I am stopping

I have about 4 left

not buying anymore



send me strength today people, if....no, when I get through it, I will be okay

I CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!


Thursday, June 25, 2009


Some say blue

is depression

an aching of the soul

I say blue

is a whole different thing

to those of us who know

blue is truth

and beauty

in stark and real relief

a hue of hope

and glory

a hue to show belief

the colour of faith is turquoise

with a touch of ultramarine

love, well love just may

be intensely aquamarine

swimming through the aqua

brings your hearts desire

a cobalt angel comes

sets your soul on fire

I wish for you

a touch of blue

of magic in your life


I send it to you

on a lavender cloud

through a clear cerulean sky

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

the point

Well, seems life as I know it is about to change a bit

Once upon a time this would have scared me silly

Thing about growth is

change becomes an embraceable thing, instead of an unbearable concept

You come to realise that unless you allow something to be different, nothing will ever be different

Unless you risk looking like a fool, you will never now how gracefully you danced

Unless you throw yourself into love, you never will be loved in the way you dreamed of

Unless you say what it is you feel, another will not know

Unless you feel the pain, you cannot cry the tears

That kind of stuff

Sometimes its worth stepping off the edge just to feel the wind in your face

Me, my life is about to change irrevocably

There is sadness coming

and pain

and also great joy

Isn't that the whole point?

To experience the experience just as it happens?

To be the best you know how to be and sleep soundly at night knowing

Knowing that you did okay today

and you have nothing to lie about tomorrow

I like life these days people

I really do

It's nice to actually be living it

instead of merely surviving....

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


Well, offer has been accepted and is proceeding to the solicitors etc, with me thrown into the deal for a few months for transition, which is okay, I will be PAID for that :)

I also will not be doing 6 days a week...nah uh

I refuse

God, I am soooooo tired now

but hypo too

and there's no one here to talk to!

We've had a power outage all day........some poor man got himself electrocuted at the power station and so...no phone, no computer, no coffee, no lights...............such fun-ness!

My Shelli rang me to come get her from school...she was freaking out about something....just as I was leaving she rang me and told me not to come, that she had to learn to move through it and that she was calmer now....

A week of small miracles so far

and a couple of big ones too.....

Gratitude for that

for this

and you




I am alive ....see....*waving*

Had a hectic day yesterday with new doctors appointment and chemo and stuff

New doctor is nice......and the actual Director of Oncology I discovered...didn't know that when I was demanding him......!

Chemo this week seemed like a breeze for mum compared to last weeks

I have news

Of Titanic proportions

well, for us anyway

We have had two offers for the business with another most likely later today

For more money than hoped for

So........are you seeing a light at the end of one tunnel here????

Yeah, me too!!

I have had 2 hours sleep due to pshycho parent on steroid induced rampage

I am beat

I am NOT beaten!

woo farkin hoo people!!!!

I am so excited that if I wasn't half dead on my feet here

I'd be dancing a little jig

Probably not a pretty sight *frown*

but who cares

Freedom, of a sort, beckons

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Friday, June 19, 2009

Stuff ....an ongoing saga

Whats been going on?

well, nothing much

and everything too

been a wild yoyo ride of a week for me, emotionally......

There is something just over the horizon

Coming fast, like a train on a silent track and the lights are blinding

I have my head turned away, but I am prepared

and listening for the crash

and I sometimes wonder who, after I pick up the bits of everyone laying around me

will pick up the pieces of me

but then I also know

that wont be necessary


can be relentless


the guy who made an offer on the business 6 months ago is ringing again

the rumours are flying around about the state of mums health

I say nothing

let them panic

and bring their money to the table

bugger them



mum, she is feeling a bit better this week, thanks to someone elses blood

we see the new doctor on Monday without the benefit of a CT scan, because hospitals are run by humans and sometimes this means incompetance

Shelli, my brave warrior child, is fighting the good fight and making me very proud to be her mother, she forges on through the crap and I find myself hoping that maybe, just maybe, I showed her how, in some small way. Showed her that to be yourself is a gift not to be taken lightly by the bastards of this world and that hope is precious and not useless. Thats what I hope for......with her, for her and stuff the opinions of those who do not know how very hard that can be.

For me, I just pray for the strength to be the best I can, and for it to be enough.

Every damn day.....

and every damn day I find a reason, to stand tall and keep on keeping on

and I know that even if I can't see the way, the way see's me

How cool is that!

Have a good one people

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Dum de deeee...

Looky here!

Bogey gave me this lovely one :)

There are rules....*pout*

Uber (synonym to Super) Amazing Blog Award is a blog award given to sites who:

  1. Inspire you

  2. Make you smile and laugh, or maybe give amazing information

  3. A great read

  4. Has an amazing design

  5. Any other reasons you can think of that make them Uber amazing!

The rules of this award are:

  • Put the logo on your blog or post.

  • Nominate at least 6 blogs

  • Let them know that they have received this Uber Amazing award by commenting on their blog.

  • Share the love and link to this post and to the person you received your award from.

So, I will pass it on to............

Sarah Lulu because I love the look and feel of her blog

Jen because she gets back up a lot

Jac because she is back!

Renee for obvious to anyone, millions of reasons

And last but definately not least

John because, even if he is a little quiet of late, I love his writing and his intent

I know thats only 5 but I never said I was obedient....

Thanks again Bogey!



It is 4.40 am

Yes A.M people

and dark and cold

and wet

but we have power

Yesterday, for a goodly part of the day we didn't have power

so, I no complain........much


So, now it is 7 am and a bit more respectable, in that at least there is daylight happening

The weather here is abysmal, I spent yesterday skidding around in the wet behind the wheel of my car which was not fun.

Still, I got things done

Today I will catch up on office stuff

We have had quite a bit of interest in the rent roll this week....a good sign I hope!

God, I would so love for this crap to be over, office wise.

I haven't got a lot to say right now

I am full to the brim with 'stuff' but ......it's my stuff :)

I will say that I am okay and that life in all this is not so bad as some seem to think

Yes, it is bloody hard some days and sometimes I find it hard to find the light in it all

but generally, there are enough candles, if I remember not to let them go out

and I have things I look forward to, that keep me lit, perpetually

That's all really...................all that matters.

Monday, June 15, 2009

drivel and dribble

I am in a babbling kind of silly want to talk to someone type of mood tonight

at least I would be if I could just


and if there was someone here.......that would help too

fruggen dentist and friggen needles x 2 and drilling x 374655 bits and filled x 2

I have dribbled my tea and am now sitting quietly with a head ache and my mouth shut

(at least I think it is shut)


Mum survived her transfusion, she said it hurt!

Hoping she has some life in her tomorrow

I survived the dentist

and the soliciting idiots

and have eaten thoughtfully donated stew with a half dead mouth, instead of the steak I randomly bought this morning forgetting about the dentist.

Yes, I eat dead cow every now and again, I need the iron and I LIKE IT......don't shoot me!

Am in a funny kind of mood

the dog ate my best fishing hat

which wouldn't be so bad if he hadn't already eaten my second best one

my painting is looking at me and I am not in the mood for it yet

music is playing

I am tired

but wired


So looking forward to my dental visit next month


and I might say that 100 mg of Champix is different to 50 mg of Champix

in that you want to puke for twice as long as you did before

and not in that I suddenly have no desire for a ciggy

goodnight people

monday moanings

Tahni's drum......

Somehow I managed to lose yesterday in a painting......

I like that :)

Today I will be fully present in a dentist appointment where I will have holes filled and such exciting stuff.....better be no drilling....I am not prepared for drilling no no

or needles...no needles...god I hate dental needles don't you.....argh

Today is supposed to be my official quit date for smoking but on advice from people who have done it, I will be giving the Champix a few more days to do its stuff......am on day 8 here and not feeling a whole lot different....?????

Be just my luck to be the only person on the planet that Champix makes want to smoke more!

If it hasn't kicked in by the other end of this week drastic measures shall be taken!

On top of my dental appointment today I must also run around town like an idiot getting bank cheques made up and delivered to solicitors who are idiots and should be paying me to be an idiot for them

and I may pop into the art supply shop......should time permit

Dreaded aunt is taking mum for chemo and transfusion today......sigh of relief, she gets so antsy sitting there for so long.....sorry mum

Tomorrow I get to go to the tribunal and not get to kick someone out again....so over that. Where is the BB gun?

Must also get to the doctors this week for scripts for the girls or I will have trouble on my hands!

Other than that, life goes on as usual

I seem to have killed the flu with lots of zinc, echinacea, Vitamin C and refusal to have it............and ran out of gas for the heater......brrrrrrr

My house is a bomb zone thanks to painting frenzy.....I will do something about that sometime......need clean clothes too.......bugger it

Is it summer yet???

I am cold damnit!

Have a good one people

I plan on it...the dentist may have other ideas though....argh

Need to find a magic face lift cream.........and a new stomach......and.......oh, never mind :)

Note to self: Not shaving legs because no one is looking is just plain slack...do it you feral!


Sunday, June 14, 2009

sniffles on a sunday

Am feeling a bit fluey.......grrrrr to people who go out and cough on other people when they are sick!

I will NOT have it universe!!!!!!!!!!

Am tired and am trying to paint a new painting

Have dreaded aunt installed at mums for the week

Have 4,000,000 things to do this week

Am bloody cold and sick of it!

I need a new gas heater....this one doesn't blow

Have car rego coming up

And a son who returns in a couple of months

Have a Shelli who has kicked arse in the energy stakes this past fortnight!

Have a dog who howls to Springsteen.....

Had yummo curry and Meatloaf songfest last night with assorted relatives which was funny

Need more daggy trackydacks and ugh boots whose bottoms have not come off........

Must clean something in this house...will prioritise and maybe just do the bathroom

Am wondering where to get a turbo charged, jet propelled broomstick

Am feeling grateful for synchronicity

and serendipity

and also kinda content to let the universe have it's way for now :)


Just for today

I am okay

and grateful

for stuff

and for you

yes, YOU

oh okay, and you too


Saturday, June 13, 2009

bit of fun


At Kayla's and Shelli's request

please go see the singing dog

Chandi Springsteen with the Rod Stewart do!

Hilarious from this end!

Friday, June 12, 2009

beautiful tonight


days when

it all bleeds out

running across the floor

and the maid with her bucket

can't keep pace with the tears

that flow from your tired eyes

while you drown there

in the river of your life

and I stand helplessly

watching you go

and the damn sunset is so beautiful tonight

if you would just look and see

In point form

  • Blood transfusion required
  • major meltdown of small mother
  • no transfusion done
  • no chemo done
  • psychologist seen
  • sadness, she is so sad
  • agree to chemo and transfusion on Monday
  • sigh
  • exhausted

Keeping it in today

This past week I guess Ive found myself forgetting to stay in the day

I give myself all sorts of really good advice sometimes and then something happens that throws me off balance and wham....there I am forgetting how I survive....

Good thing is that these days I recognise it and I have tools to deal with it

Most importantly, for now, is that I try to stay in this day, whichever one I am doing, and not to look too far ahead into the mirk

The minute I start to allow myself to question next week, next month, next year...sometimes even tomorrow, I don't run so well.

Yes, it is hard, this thing I do right now, but so are lots of things

And I am so lucky too....

Lucky to have been shown that I have the ability to make the right choices

Lucky to be here showing someone I care, the best way I can

Lucky in all sorts of ways

Yes, this illness of mums is a scary scary thing

But it is here

and must be dealt with

Just not all at once.....

a day at a time will do

It will have to

Thanks guys, for your words

and for caring

Please send good 'stuff' for Sandra when you think of it

Today, today we do round 3 of chemo.....pft!

And I am on day 5 of Champix where coffee tastes like cat pee smells..........sigh

Tomorrow the dreaded Aunt arrives for a week.....argh...but I'm not thinking about that today

I'm just allowing myself space to dream a little and time, time to get things done

It is enough.....

Thursday, June 11, 2009

real life...

Been a while since a real life update

What's going on?

I am not quite sure really

Mum is yellow

and not feeling 'right'....

and questioning death

and experiencing some spiritual visitations

and questioning that too

and scared


very scared

we got the new doctor but don't see him till the 22nd

a CT scan is to be scheduled between now and then

chemo tomorrrow..... but I don't know

I want a liver function test today, for her

because something is going on

and it is not good

I am feeling a little trapped

but that's okay

it will pass

hell, why wouldn't I be

anyway that is where it is


I'm kinda scared of the tomorrows


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Im not crazy Im just a little unwell.......lallalaaaa


another Wednesday

windy wild but not wet yet wednesday


Does the wind drive you nuts?

Does me.

I have nothing today.....nothing

except this


Tuesday, June 09, 2009

The Call

Been pondering....oh oh, I hear you groan......

I've come to see that sometimes we don't hear what the universe is trying to tell us

That we get lost inside our everyday mundane, settling for average because average is more than some people get after all and far too often the song of the siren drifts on by, without us ever having heard a note

Then, maybe, sometime, a lot later on, we sit and wonder why, why we feel so empty....

One day if we are very lucky, perhaps it calls again.........calling from far away, a beautiful tone...a pure clear note that makes your heart sit up and shine

and we don't know what it says....

but we do know that it sings for us....

What do we do?

Will we go?

Will we follow our heart to the place the siren sings?

Will we trust that the universe is showing us a reality unlike any we ever dreamed of, a reality that was meant for us all along?

Or do we stay, 'safe' in our invisible coffins woven from fear and from ignorance

and let our hearts keep breaking silently?

What do you do people?

Do you dream?

What do you dream of?

If it came and stood right in front of you, would you recognise it?

Would you think you deserved it?

Do you hear the siren call?

Will you go?

Will you?

I can hear it calling me

and this time, this time I'm listening oh so closely to the words of the song

and when it gets here

I will go

Monday, June 08, 2009

Dreamy kind of Monday.......

One of my favourite paintings ever........wish I knew who did it.

I have had a lovely day today

Just pottering

playing with paint

listening to music



Just what I needed.......

I may be ready to face the world again


Oh, and a mum update, this reduced chemo has been much easier for her. She's not too bad at all this week.....if she can whinge then she is okay :)

Sunday, June 07, 2009


Oh cute.......NOT!


Oh dear, about one hundred years ago lovely Audrey gifted me with this and it has been sitting in an unpublished post since! I must have gotten caught up in something drastic because there is no way I would forget otherwise!

With no further delay, Thank you Audrey .........although I must say, I have no idea why I deserve it!

Details of the Noblesse Oblige Award:
The recipient of this award is recognized for the following:
- The Blogger manifests exemplary attitude, respecting the nuances that pervade amongst different cultures and beliefs
- Their Blog contents inspire; strives to encourage, and offers solutions
- There is a clear purpose at the Blog; one that fosters a better understanding on Social, Political, Economic, the Arts, Cultures, Sciences and Beliefs
- The Blog is refreshing and creative
- The Blogger promotes friendship and positive thinking

The Blogger who receives this award will need to perform the following:
- Create a post with a mention and link to the person who presented the Noblesse Oblige Award
- The Award conditions must be displayed at the Post
- Write a short article about what the Blog has thus far achieved - preferably citing one or more older posts as support
- The Blogger must present the Noblesse Oblige Award in concurrence with the Award conditions
- The Blogger must display the Award at any location at their Blog

I suppose I hope, if anything, that my blog sometimes touches someone in a place they need to be touched. Often I will write a post for no particular reason, except that I feel I must.......I trust that someone that day will get something they needed to hear from it.

On the whole though, what this blog does for me far surpasses anything I can do for you....I get such satisfaction from it!

And sometimes even miracles happen :)

So...I would like to pass it on to the following people, because when I go there I learn something, even if it is how to have a giggle this day, something I often forget......

Reggie Girl