Wednesday, December 31, 2008

what? its over......promise????

The last day of this fucking annus horribilus???

Are you sure??


I will believe it when I see it

New Years Reso???



I am not in good form

I am pissed off

I screamed like a knobhead at my girls last night because the dog woke me up...

at 8 pm....cringe

I am undecided about what to take into the new year with me

Actually, it may well just be Groundhog year for me

or worse

sooooooo looking forward to it

I think Id like to vomit now

Thats how much Im looking forward to it

Weird dreams...well, not weird but definatly rude

Maybe I need some distraction?

Or a foot up the old Kieber Pass

Or anything that isnt this reality?


I feel better 'sickwise' so I think I am not going to bother getting sick, who has time anyway

Sorry to be a drag

But frikken hell

K is going away today

Shell is going out I think, if I let her

Mum wants to pretend New Years isnt happening

Darlin would like me to go down the coast and do it with his son and etc

I would like to not do that

So I wont

Maybe I will sit here in silence and contemplate my navel and find gratitude for something



Have a Good One people, I wish you all Happiness and Peace


Tuesday, December 30, 2008

tis the season to be sillyyyyyyyy

Shame I cant be bothered

I think my body is fighting off the throat thing others seem to have

Glands are undecided as to whether they will stay swollen or not

Just a general blah feeling

Mum too...but her throat is sore and she feels like shit

Oh well, I refuse to have it!

Slept a lot yesterday which was nice but boring

Have to go run around like a blue arsed fly in town today with Dr appointments, counselling appointments, centrelink business and taking mum to meet baby Noah.....this will entail lunch at exes which may or may not be nice.....anyway, it will be done

K is off to Tuncurry for the New Year tomorrow

Little bro and girlfriend have absconded to Byron

which leaves me and Shell with mum....hmmmm

Dont know if I will be doing Hat Head now as well, never mind, but we will see.

Mums oncology appointment is on the 9th...this will be interesting as the head will have to come out of the sand.....fucking cancer

Have had to cut the hair on puppysons head as he was growing a coif with a curl....looked like Rod Stewart

Operation pee off carpet is working so far.....hasnt been off his leash much though

This is Kaylas and Tahnis xmas centrepiece...K is a swan maniac as you can see

Little bro gave nephew a fishing rod for chrissy...this was the result! Most impressive, yes

Have a good one peeps

Sunday, December 28, 2008

"comes but once a year"

....for a bloody good reason

In short?

  • many people
  • too much food
  • no fights except for me and him
  • no cutting
  • late nights
  • did I mention many people?
  • aunt at my house was a brilliant idea plus some nice angels made her miraculously pass out before she got obnoxious EVERY time....
  • everyone slogged their guts out, ate too much, etc etc
  • scored nice pressies, perfume ( J' dor or whatever its called), outdoor table and chairs, byron pants, beautiful dragonfly vase and stuff
  • kids liked theirs
  • all in all was good
Am frikken exhausted inspite of having done nothing much except eat

Thank frik its over...waved the aunt off today..byeeeeeeeeee mwa


Will be in bed before midnight tonight!


Thank frik this year is nearly done

Mum is not very well...

Now for the next bit


Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Farkin hoho

Chandi got into the toilet bin last night

Every female in this house has their period.....

Chandi has been to the vet today and made to vomit a lot

That cost me $200!!

I am very happy about that

I am also happy that he smells like vomit and now I must bath him

Are we there yet??

I love Christmas


Have a good one all and keep your hounds out of the toilet

Its very expensive...


Tuesday, December 23, 2008


That would be me

Am sat in orifice with nodding head and sore feet

Did go visit ex and baby last night...he looks like ex...

I did suffer a few poignant moments as once upon a time ex and I were planning a little boy...oh well....

And picked up Shelli from hospital...discharge complete, will not be sending her back there in a bloody hurry...they have also managed to lose her brand new dress and 4 pairs of tights...grrrr

I am grateful she was safe and looked after but I dont need the attitude she learned in there...she will be unlearning it quick smart I tell you now.

I am not scared of damaging her fragile self by pounding manners into it...I think she will settle now she is 'out'. I hope....

The way I am feeling I will be asleep from 12 pm tommorrow till New Years day....

So frikken tired

Worn to a frazzle

Oh for a stiff drink...PAH!

A stiff neck is my only solace

poor poor me


Tahni is home till tomorrow

Brother is on train after plane from Perth last nught

Sister and entourage are driving as we speak

Aunty and cousin are enroute tomorrow



Monday, December 22, 2008


Baby arrived safely at 10.40 this morning

Noah James

Looks like "a baby"

7lb 12oz

All is well

Ex is a raving loony


woohoo...I think

Ex's bub is on his way

5 minutes apart

Might have a baby by lunchtime

Ex is beside himself

Funny life isnt it

I am ex wife and he is texting me all the gories....

But how exciting for him!

Come on little kind to your mummy

Funny if he is a she....


Sunday, December 21, 2008

one of these days

I will get around to fixing my blog so it pleases me

It is Sunday

My day off

today I must

*defrost my fridge

*clean my verandah and accompanying windows

*scrub the bathrooms

*wash all towels and sheets etc

*clean up Shellis pigsty ie: go through it for sharp things, a pointless exercise really

and other such things

Shelli cut herself at home on Friday night again


Of course anger is an emotion commonly used to cover up other emotions such as heartbreak and devastation

I will stick with anger

Am about ready to knock her block off

Friday, December 19, 2008

A horrible day but much done...


Thank you for your insights girls, especially you muggle

Now is not really a good time to be judgmental and to project. I just need to do one day at a time I guess....

Had a 7am start today...into Centrelink, I can claim carers for Shelli AND Kayla apparently, this will ease the financial burden somewhat I think....wish I had of thought of it before Rudd gave cares a thousand bucks!

Then to hospital for meetings with quacks etc re Shell....she is on a drug called Seraquil at night and a little during the day to control her sky high anxiety....its actually a drug they use for Psychotic people but in small doses can be good for things like this. It is not addictive and more effective than diazapams etc so we will see. Shelli says her head has 'slowed down' so this is a good thing. Hopefully if she has a break from her head for a few weeks she will be able to apply the other stuff she is learning and her seratonin levels will be more along the line of being helped by the antidepressant..if that makes sense.

Then I ran around like a blue arsed fly applying for birth certificates and shopping for books and oh, etc etc etc

In the meantime my mother rang me every 10 minutes to tell me more things we need to get

And then I got my grey hairs disguised by the hairdresser

And then I came home and cooked dinner

and now I am writing this

I am frikken pooped

And I am going to bed very shortly leaving the girls to watch a movie and drug themselves to sleep

Tomorrow is another fun day

And Sunday is for cleaning this hovel up before guests arrive on Wednesday

How come I get the horrible aunty at my house?


Thursday, December 18, 2008

all done

Well, I am finish SPF shopping all bar one gift!

How good am I....aarrgghhh

Puppyson is at the vet getting chopped today


My Manna from Kev is all gone pretty much but hey its done and finished and I owe nothing much to anyone I hope

I have also done other peoples shopping so am a hero of massive proportions

I managed to turn up at the cottage last night even though I was a bit out of it with exhaustion so a hero I am for sure

dadadada da DA

I have all but one of my slackarse tenants paid up to date, and the other will be in tomorrow or else

Too farking good

Up myself I am indeed

Oh well, someones gotta be


I am in the orifice using up the last of todays energy allotment typing this post but thats ok

Now I just have to find time to clean my pigsty house, mums pigsty house and thank frik darlin will mow the lawns....

I think my period is due so I may snap someones head orf sometime soon but not yet

I am babbling arent I

okay fine



Tuesday, December 16, 2008


Why am I wide awake at 4 am???


Oh well, the kookaburras are laughing at me so it must be funny

Looks like Shelli is staying at Nexus for a couple more days

I am concerned about her coming to rely too much on a system that cant do her healing for her

but a couple of days will make no real difference here or there

I am concerned about her 15 year old mentality liking being 'sick' and 'looked after' when I know that in real life she has condition that needs work and persistance to recover from

I am concerned that she will travel even further down this self harm road and end up in a place of no return, and that I will have to watch my baby kill herself slowly over the years

I am sure my mother was concerned about me in the same way once upon a time but I dont want to have to wait 20 years to see improvement here

I want to smack the child and shake her and inject experience into her to save her from herself

I want to know how to do whatever it is I need to do or be to help her and yet stay sane at the same time

Dont want much do I!

I just know that this kid is in full on victim mode and dont know how to tell her that to identify as a victim and as a 'sick' person will just make her stay one

How do I do this?

Fucked if I know

One day at a time I guess

And I hope that her psychologist can manage to tell her these things too, she is supposed to be very good at what she does but 15 year olds dont always appreciate whats good for them now do they

Grrrrr sob

I am shopping today, and meeting with case managers and other such thrilling stuff

Bloody xmas is next week and I must chase tenants to pay rent or kick them out at christmas time

There are 4 who persist in not paying and yet have promised manna from Kev will sort it out this week. They will get a rude shock if they dont as I am SICK OF THEM....see how they like being homeless...just call me scrooge ok

Im on a mission in regards to puppies who think my house is their own personal toilet....he now lives on a leash until he 'gets it'...I am tough.

Kittens who play wordscaper are funny but need to learn how to spell and stuff

Darlins who decide books from amazon are a good idea for xmas a week and a half before said date are stupid if they think their presents will be under the bloody tree when santa comes

I need to take acting lessons before xmas too in order to act surprised when I get my present from mum that I have known about all along

It is time to go drink coffee


Monday, December 15, 2008


Thats about it

for now...

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Sunday again

I am in a slightly better head space today

Had Shelli home on day leave yesterday

She should be home on Tuesday

I have decided to just be me and she will have to just be her, I cant do staying up all night and constant sleep checks and all that forever. I will save it for when she seems to need it. And she will have to take some responsibility for herself here...she is 15 not 2

We shall see....

I am washing today

sheets doonas dogs cats windows towels etc

There is friggen dog hair everywhere!


I think that puppyson needs a shave as well as a nut job...will see to it this week!

My 2 puppies, including the kitten there, are getting on like a house on fire. This is nice if a touch maddening...

I have only bitten Darlins head off 3 or 4 times in the past few days so I am special

I have new sheets for my bed and a new vacuum cleaner to siphon up dog hair and kitty litter

I live in a nuthouse indeed

Just think, over the next 5 weeks I will have 2 whole week at a time weeks off!

I may be sane by February



Must wash things

see ya


Friday, December 12, 2008

sick of it all

Thats me today

I am pissed off!

I'm sick of it all

sick of sick people

sick of dog shit

sick of working

sick of driving

sick of hospitals

sick of smiling

sick of 15 year olds who try to manipulate everything

sick of small animals

sick of worrying about things

sick of mess

sick of thinking

sick of trying to figure out what to buy for people I don't even like when I have no friggen money

sick of being 'done' as a duty


If I drank I would stay home today and get pissed I tell you

Luckily, Im better than that

so I will go to the hospital and deal with the child who doesn't want to come home but would prefer to stay and get institutionalised and slice herself to ribbons with my blessing, I will spend money I dont have, I will feed the pets and play with them and pick up shit, I will tell mum its all ok and its not her fault, I will drive another 4000000 k's, I will smile at the friggen tenants and inside I will SEETHE


Tomorrow will be another day wont it

Thursday, December 11, 2008

fark part 2

Not really fark

Its fruggen christmas in a minute you do realise!

I have somehow managed to be half organised

All I have to get is a list as long as my arm rather than my whole body

This required me going to Kotara yesterday to pick up laybys.....

I got a park straight away and no queue was more than 3 people long and yet it still took me the best part of 3 hours to get done....

Shell will probably be discharged early next week...must get my head around trust issues before then and have a D & M with her re: cutting and talking before etc

I think...


I forced parent to have the day off today so am orificing by myself

Tomorrow I must doctor and shop and coffee mehopes

Lucky petrol is so cheap at the moment isnt it

ahhh well....onwards we go


Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Gotta love hospitals who tell your kid she can come home on leave but neglect to tell you so when you get there and kid is excited and you have to say no because your mother is stuffed and you cant get her back and then kid gets hysterical and you take her home anyway because you will think of something but case worker should be shot indeed and knew it.

Did you understand that?

Shell is home on an overnight leave. She was up on the computer still at 10 when I went to bed after struggling with my conscience and being told not to worry, she wasnt going to 'do anything'....


Then I had dreams all night about Josh being eaten by crocodiles and I couldnt ever see him again..WTF?

And in my dream it turned out I was the only one in Australia not getting the Manna from Kevin because something was wrong with Shelli....

so, I woke at 5am and have been up since...much more peaceful anyway.

My life is a frikken nightmare at the moment. And I cant even choose differently because its not MY shit I'm dealing with here.

And Im sooooo looking forward to Christmas with all the mad relo's and their dogs coming to stay......

I have put on weight eating constant crap and want to lose that pronto. If Im going to Hat Head I at least want to be able to fit into my swimmers without spilling out over the edges too much. Besides, I dont want to buy new clothes for the stupid orifice. I want some colours!

Puppyson is booked in for de nutting next week. Oh joy.

Puppycat is a maniac fluffball who is very cute and needs worming I think as she is frantic about food

Any food


On a good note, Kayla is doing well on her antidepressant and feeling much better. Thank fark.



Tuesday, December 09, 2008

did you know..

That our senior school kids, yrs 9 - 12, will be receiving a free laptop next year?

My house will abound in computers and I will never have to wait for a turn!

Am a raving loonie but hey, I will be able to tell you all about it instantly.


Sunday, December 07, 2008


I dont really have the mental energy required to formulate a titillating blog post this morning

I will just say that all is seeming okay right now

Shelli is coming out shopping with us for a few hours today

Why I am going shopping on a Sunday 2 weeks before xmas I will never know Im sure

but it must be done

I am so frikken tired!

Running backwards and forwards between town and here and doing orifice and trying to keep eyes open and legs straight is a challenge indeed.

Wasnt this why I moved out here? To avoid that? Oh well......

I will be glad when this year is done with I can tell you

I am booked in for a week in Hat Head on the 17th of January

Hopefully I will be able to go!

Sister is booked in to come down and do mum and girls for that week so good

Perhaps Darlin and I will remember why we are then?

Mum is building up fluid in her belly but not mentioning it (bit hard to miss though when she looks 5 months preggers). She is waiting to get through Xmas.

Poor bugger has had to be up and about this week while I am doing Shelli.

She is buggered too

Ex husbands baby is due 5 minutes ago and he is useless of course.

Darlin is away for some of this weekend

I have a house to clean for money, somehow I will find time
Dirty bastards who skip out owing much rent and leaving shit all over the place.

frikken tenants

I am getting less nice to them I assure you.


The kitten thinks its a puppy...this is funny sometimes.

Anyhoo, on with the day



Thursday, December 04, 2008


1. 5 names you go by.





mary :)

oops...and ANKLE

2.Three Things you are wearing right now

Black satin pjs

Purple furry dressing gown

Leopard skin fluffy slipper boots ( hot not)

3.Two things you want very badly at the moment

3 days sleep

the questions for my answers

4. 3 people that will probably fill this out

who knows

5. 2 Things you did last night

went to the hospital

drove home

6. 2 Things you ate today

passionfruit yoghurt

chinese take away

7.Two people you last talked to on the phone



8.Two things you are going to do tomorrow

Send out commercial invoices

meet with a psychiatrist

9.Two of the longest car drives you have had

into newcastle today

back from newcastle today

10.Two of your favorite beverages

Lemon, lime and bitters


11.Two sports you watch on TV

are you kidding???

12.Three people you have on Speed Dial

no one

13.Five items in your wardrobe you never wear

anything size 8

except for shoes

14. The last 3 books you read

I know I just read them but I cant bloody remember

15. Three weird OCD tendencies you have

I dont think I have any

16. Five presents you got from Santa as a kid




Roller skates


17. Three most visited bookmarks



Kyahs Journey

18. Two items on your wishlist for Christmas

a new handbag

a suprise

19. Five Things you can see right now




dog toy

note pad (in aid of alzheimers)

20. 5 things on your fridge

dog hair

dirty marks


21. Two items you own more than 10 of


pair of undies


Wednesday, December 03, 2008


Just to clarify

Shelli is not at James Fletcher, she is in a kids ward at JHH

Settling in according to nurse I spoke to this morning

As it was, I was too late, she cut her other arm up quite badly about an hour before I picked her up to go, in spite of Darlin being there to watch her. Poor man couldnt follow her into the bath now could he.

She will be in for at least a few days while she is reveiwed by the staff and doctors to ensure she isnt suffering from something else as well as depression, such as Bi-polar or OCD, as some of her 'stuff' looks a bit like this. She is also having blood tests etc to rule out physical reasons. I am pleased about this as I have wandered. Also she will now be properly in the 'system' so future dealings will be easier. And I am not deluded enough to think that there wont be any. I just hope we are getting help soon enough....

Blergh plus

Other than all that, things are okay


sorry, hysteria stepped in

Did I mention that puppies and kittens are hard work??

Especially when they love each other and one is considerably bigger than the other but the little one starts it all.......GRRRRRRRRR


Tuesday, December 02, 2008


This is interesting.

I have abusy day ahead

I have to go get Shelli admitted to hospital today

because she is on edge and feeling a danger to herself

I am not quite sure how I feel about this

I am not quite sure how I feel about anything right now

But that is okay

I am learning a lot about me in this and where I have fallen far short
as a parent and where I am not falling now, but its hard.

I am a bit numb and very tired

But okay in all that.

Send my baby healing please, she is asking for help.


Friday, November 28, 2008


All going according to plan, I am having the whole weekend off!

How exciting

Now I can clean up my mess from the previous 3 weeks of no housework being done


Puppies and kittens are exhausting when in the same room


Wednesday, November 26, 2008

oh for a thrill

Boring boring boring

That is me

Still, things are on the move

Mother rang the 'offer guy' and told him if he was still interested she would accept his previous offer

He will let us know

This would still mean I am here for another 3 months doing the do but hey, thats not so long a tunnel is it

And he would have to pay me!

How and everything

Little brother is possibly going to buy a townhouse that mum used to own and which is on the market for a ridiculous amount due to a repo

This would solve several worries as well, such as where thay would live if she sells her house, which she will have to, and where brother will live when the inevitable happens

So, things may be moving along here

But today is still today and here I am

I still dont like tenants

and after the 3 months if the guy buys I will only work part time, if he wants me, because this full time caper is ridiculous and I am so over it indeed

So people, sending positive selling energy to the orifice please....

and keep your legs crossed!!

I do.....

There is some pretty feral energy in the air at the moment

I have had so many abused/battered women come in and apply for houses just lately....I wish they wouldnt tell me the story because if I didnt know it I could help them....I cant put someone in a house when the man will come and rip it apart though can I.

There are people screaming at each other in the street outside right now and I find it disturbing...I remember when it was me....bloody hell.

Christmas...merry merry merry heh....bollocks

Tuesday, November 25, 2008




and so on

I am tired and wired

not a good combo

My house is a mess

My head is a mess

My kids are a mess

My bank account would be a mess if there was anything in it

Still, it could be worse couldn't it

I heard someone say on the weekend that if you do good things but dont do them from a 'nice' heartspace then they dont count

Does that mean that hating this orifice renders my reason for doing it useless????

What a crock

I am going home to do my washing, eat pizza and chocolate and bleed a lot


By the way

I bought Shelli a kitten yesterday

from a bloody pet shop

expensive little bugger but oh so cute

I am a sucker indeed

She called it 'Crabsticks'

Its a little fluffy ginger grey and white tortoiseshell half persian pretty who deserves a name like "Princess" or some such thing

Crabsticks my arse.....

maybe she named it after me??


Thursday, November 20, 2008

Gotta love it....

My day so far

  • up at 5.45 for a change
  • coffees and things
  • get dressed in trackdaks as mother is to be ready at 8.50 for picking up so I can go do something which I will explain later
  • 8.30 am mother rings and says she will be ready for picking up at 9.50 as she had 'some things to do'
  • run around like hairy arsed blogger getting ready to open business not dressed in tracky daks
  • open orifice and smile calmly and politely at people whilst thinking rude things
  • 9.50 pick up mother
So, onto the thing that needed doing yes

Dont you love it when your teenage girls are old enough to do their own washing??

Yes indeed it is a treat......

EXCEPT for when they leave a towel in the sink that has the plughole in it that the washing machine water goes down and the water from a load of washing set on high even though it contained ONE school blouse overflows your sink and goes all over the laundry floor that has no drain it and therefore slops out onto your carpet and goes through walls onto your carpet and does indeed make the carpet a virtual swimming pool with suds in it and so you must of course get the water out of the carpet as soon as possible by going to get your mothers water sucking device and it doesn't work so then you go to Coles and pay $32 to hire a water sucking up device and spend a few hours of your day sucking up water whilst the heavens open up and pee down rain and you leave the car windows open because it is sunny when you get out of the car but whilst you are VERY NOISILY sucking up water ( and you have a puppy that doesnt like water sucking device noise so therefore barks loudly the entire time you are doing it so no wonder you dont hear the thunder) - a storm descends and you don't even notice until the seats of the car are as wet as the carpet and isnt it lucky you have a water sucking device after all...................

so, I would have preferred to buy a new blouse and/or even sewed one from scratch or something but my day has been lovely

I love my day

and my life

*grin with teeth bared and gritted and probably gritty too*

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Out there


I am putting it out there that I would like Friday and Saturday off

From the universes lips to mothers ear please

I KNOW she is feeling pretty good this week


Enough already

I will most likely commit murder otherwise

but I am not whinging

Just stating a fact

Other people have REAL problems today

Poor little Kyah has passed over this morning and her family must be broken hearted

I have been following her story for weeks now after seeing the link on Toni's blog.

She is free now

Poor brave little miss

I feel for her mum and dad and her brothers though

They have to stay and deal with the pain

after so long dealing with hers

Life can be so sad can it not

and happy too

We need to appreciate the in betweens more


Tuesday, November 18, 2008


If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason....

Sorry about that witches...ahem

Just call this crazy Tuesday!!

What a shit of a day....I hate tenants.....really...I do

Someone should shoot the lot of them

I may volunteer for that...


Monday, November 17, 2008


Monday again


Did have a nice weekend though

Closed early on Saturday and went to the festival here on the 'foreshore'

You know, 3 rides and some stalls and a really crappy band etc

Was fun and something different

Darlin did buy me a xmas present which I have promptly forgotten about so I cant tell you what it is

Art exhibition at the club...went to that too

I will be in it next year dammit!

And so should you be elf...

Did some house work and cleaned the puppyson who is very cute and shiny again and cut off his fluffy bits so now he doesnt look like a barrell on legs. Three people told me he was fat this week! He is not FAT he is growing hair sideways in a curl....bosh.

A wet puppyson is sleek


and he is also very naughty and very attached to in I leave the room and he whinges and needs to follow me everywhere and sit on my foot


Darlin is happy because I gave him a massage after he mowed everybodies and their dogs lawns

(dont laugh Mary, its NOT funny)

Poor man thinks I have forgotten his existance I am sure and at times he is right

But usually I am just asleep with my eyes open

I am hungry

I am always hungery lately

Whats with that??

Grrrrr...pants will get short again soon


Saturday, November 15, 2008

enough of that

sick of that background

computer is on go slow and I cant even open my own blog

My life today??

House is a mess

puppyson stinks

orifice is causing me to be comatose

on a bright note

Mums friend Lyn is back in town

this may mean I get some days off

or not

who knows

I am ready to burn down the building though

so sick of doing nothing all day

Its NOT good for me


Thursday, November 13, 2008

Please explain...

Whats with all the aches and pains??

I know Red mother is asking too..

and the funny tummy

and the lethargy

and the muzzy head

and the undertension (is a word now) that is running full time

this is more than tired and exhausted etc

Something weird is going on and I want to know WHAT!


and yes Mary, I did read it but I would like to know more.

That is all.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Forgot to blog!

All is well

Child is sleeping and not bleeding

I am going to be sleeping after child leaves for Byron today, for a week, yay.

And parent is going too, so, double yay.

Office is boring

Nothing to report

Signing off now


Sunday, November 09, 2008


No bloods


No sleep

but hey that ok

Actually she had a friend over last night so I assumed I could sleep and did,
all night, until for some strange reason Kayla rang the home phone
(which was next to my head) by accident from her iphone
at 1.11 am......bloody

And of course I woke at 6am because that is what happens when you
wake at 1.11am and think the phone is your alarm and accidentally
turn it on whilst trying to turn it off, if you know what I mean...

so, yawn, again.

My house smells like dog

Must do something about that

Darlin is coming today and its raining and blah of course because it is my
day off you know


Must bath dog and do some washing so rain is not helpful at all

Must get grass mowed before dog disappears in it, rain is not helpful oh no

Think I might go back to bed now and think about it for a while...


Friday, November 07, 2008

and again

I am so interesting with my titles arent I

Child has slept again, though she was a bit down last night.

Due to the 'down' I was up

Several times during the night to check on her

I observed that I dreamed a lot and assume this is due to me never
quite reaching the theta state

I wish I could remember the dreams because they were frikken frustrating

I wonder why.....

I think everyone has cancer in them and I was probably waking up all
night in my dream checking on them to make sure they werent killing themselves


So, I am obviously tired

Poor Kayla is having a problem with school

In that she doesnt want to go

and for days now I have had to wake and shake her and make her go

This morning I woke her and she informed me that she wasnt going

Im afraid I said quite loudly and sternly "oh bloody grow up"

and left the room

and you know what

she got up, got dressed and went to school??


Today I must go and do the Tribunal court do

I have never done it before and Im hoping its ok if I swear a lot and
tell the judge that the bitch is a filthy mole and doesnt deserve her
bond back if thats okay.....



Thursday, November 06, 2008


Mary was enlightening because she LAUGHED at me.....


Well, 2 days with child sleeping and no blood


And no drugs last night either

Psychologist appointment was okay, with much discussion around
sleep and diet and exercise and why these things are important

I see that I need to apply some of these to myself as well

Coffee with my mary was enlightening too, in such that I am really
beginning to see that perhaps I have been a little harsh with Darlin lately

Nobody is bloody perfect are they so why should I expect him to be

This doesnt mean I am wrong

Just a bit ridiculous sometimes

And maybe using him as my whipping post at times without realising it,
because I can, if you know what I mean. At least he isnt going to die on
me or slash up his self if I offend him is he.

Poor darlin

Poor me

Enough pity pot really

Life goes on

even if one does set the alarm for 2 am so one can sneak up and make sure
MadamS is REALLY asleep

One good thing, I think she shocked herself with this last lot. They dont
look nice and they wont go away and every time I dress them she feels
like heaving and has to sit down

Im taking that as a positive at this point

bit different from scratches that will fade in time


And I keep saying so too

She IS female and vain after all

I have to go to the Tenancy Tribunal tomorrow and get a bond off a filthy
pig who should have known better then had the hide to object to the
cleaning and repairs we had to claim.

Frikken people

How many holes in walls and filthy everythings can you expect to be fixed
when sent back 3 times??

None, but you can change a flyscreen and expect the holes etc to be
ignored apparently

Hrmph I say

puppy school is a nightmare and dogs that sleep under your chair and fart should be shot at dawn

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

new day

Thank goodness for Darlin's who come and let me go to bed and sit up watching Shelli for me.

He said she went to sleep!


I hope she stayed asleep but havent woken her yet so dont know

Appointment with psychologist today

then coffee with Maryme

Have booked Shell and mum on a flight to sister in Byron next Wednesday for a week

I hope that happens ans she is ok enough to go

A change of enviroment will be good for her at the moment

and a week of sleep and not doing her or mum will be good for me

Please please please let it happen

Puppy school tonight



Tuesday, November 04, 2008


Oh dear

I think I am a bit stressed

Breath Michelle breath


Went to the doctor yesterday with madamslash and got sleeping tablets

Gave her one fully expecting her to sleep as she was exhausted

but no

she stayed awake all night and sliced her arm up yet again

this time deep enough that she will be looking at the scar when she is 90 years old

If she makes it that far

Im afraid I yelled at her a bit this morning

in between giving her a hug and putting butterfly stitches on the cuts

and then I sent her to school because I am sick of it and her isolating herself


no way

Now I am waiting for her counsellor to ring me and tell me what the fuck I should
do now

The quack says no way to double doses of temazapan

and I quite agree

so I will sit up tonight until she sleeps

and I will wake her at 6am everyday and not let her sleep ever except at night

eventually she will crash and sleep and her body will do as I say wont it!

Of course, I dont need sleep and am invincible...

...and CSV has been apologised to and the head nun honcho person has told
them that she can come home whnever she bloodywell needs to!

We'll see

Im just in the mood for a fight right now


Monday, November 03, 2008


It seems that Centrelink, in their compassionate wisdom have finally
decided to grant me the carers allowance I have been applying for
since December last year.

Of course, they are back paying till 3 weeks ago....hmmmmm...GRRRRRR

Anyway, we will be grateful for small, and I mean small, things will we not.

I also had an interesting convo with CSV regarding the giant shitfit
argument she is having with her 'powers that be' in regards to being
able to come home when needed. Part of this was due to her 'loving'
supervisor telling her that it was 'no wonder' Shelli was having these
problems inferring that it was because of me and also the lovely lady
enquired if Tahni was perhaps schizophrenic herself as she was not
consistent in herself at all times???

Are we on the same planet here????

Tahni, being her mothers daughter immediatley asked said woman if
she had been to uni and accquired her MD and was qualified to diagnose
ones mental state and also informed her that perhaps she may well just
go and apply for a scholarship for uni herself next year as she would need
something to live on considering the 'establishment' had taken
all of her money.....

The upshot of this being that they have called someone in and are having all
sorts of meetings regarding Tahnis suitability to be an 'assistant numerary'
or whatever the frik it is that she is supposed to be being

She then proceeded to tell her that she had indeed learnt from myself
and her grandmother that she didnt have to take shit from anyone...hehe


Mum and I are going to go down and kill someone soonish after we
write to the pope of course regarding verbal abuse of youing
people in 'his' care....

but really, is this maybe not a wonderful thing???

Maybe I will get some prayers answered here regarding my big
baby's decisions so far in life???

Hmmm indeedy


Well, after a good sleep on Saturday night Shelli was up all night again
last night in spite of the 10mg of temazipan in her system. maybe to do
with the double dose of antidepressant?

Dont know but Im sure Dr will tell me today

I spent yesterday chucking a shit fit with ex husband who,
in response to an email from me asking if his phone finger
was broken and was that why he hadnt rang the girls for
3 weeks, was to inform me that we only ever rang him when
we wanted something and why should he be the one to keep lines
of communication open all the time???? Hellooooooo....

To which I responded qute maturely with "F%$K off R..."

and then this

So, now I will try to be rational.
Kayla and Shelli have both recently expressed disappointment that
you have not bothered to ring them. I did say to them that they could
ring you but they were a bit angry Im afraid. If I remember correctly
it IS you who is the adult here and not them. I know you have a baby
due and as far as I know all is going well with that.
As far as life here goes I have had Shelli cutting herself twice this
week and had to take her into hospital yesterday for a fucking
psychiatric assessment and to get her meds doubled and to get
sleeping pills because she cant sleep. YOU KNOW she is going
through this stuff and is not well. YOU KNOW kayla has also
been under tremendous strain and even though she seems okay
it might be nice for her to know she has you giving a shit
YOU promised to do whatever you could to help these kids
while mum is sick and I am here, REMEMBER. YOU KNOW
mum is dying from fucking cancer and what you may not know
because you havent bothered to ask is that she is starting to get
PROMISED HERE. I am very sorry if I have not had time to ring
you and fill you in on every fucking detail but i did think that you
would understand that, considering the circumstances.
Dont give me shit about busy and babies Robert. From what I am seeing,
your lack of action here is telling me the story that you do not want to
know about this shit anymore and that your new life is much more
important than your old life.
In my understanding SUPPORT means that you understand that
life is hard and you let someone know that you care enough to help out
or even just that you care. You ring a child you have been a father to to
let her know you love her and you put up with shit from them because
you know that they are a kid and are suffering.
You dont just disappear from their life because they see that for what
it fucking well is.. LACK OF CARE. Perhaps you might like to explain
that to them for me okay. I will not be asking you for anything else,
ever again so dont worry about that will you.
So Robert, please dont talk shit to me okay. I dont need it.
I get the picture.
Have a nice life

and then I cried a bit

To which he responded by ringing the girls and me and then all was
reasonably well, except that Shelli refused to speak to him.


....also spent the day cleaning shitful house and stinky dog.

Vinegar and baking soda in the final rinse makes for a non smelly
pup by the way, if anyone has this problem....

Wish shellibaby was so easy to fix.

Did I say my life was boring??


Saturday, November 01, 2008


Well, got to the hospital and found many new cuts inflicted last night

But, there is good news

We now have doubled meds and some sleeping tablets so the child
can get a few decent sleeps

They have also put her on a more intensive counselling plan

and she is on the waiting list for the Nexus unit should things not improve
in the next month or so

also they will be liasing with school so she doesnt need to feel pressured,
like half days or whatever to keep her in the habit of going and being
at least a bit social

This feels like action to me instead of a bandaid

So, we will see

Poor kid was shaking like a leaf this morning

but seems brighter this afternoon

more later maybe


Am taking her into JHH for a psych assessment today

Hopefully they will adjust her medication and maybe give her something to help her sleep

and whatever else I dont know

I hope they dont want to keep her there

She will not like that and neither will I

She doesnt want to go

but I am making her

I had a talk to her last night about the stuff I read

It wasnt all that bad

Dark but you can see where she has been trying to work herself out

So confused and lost this kid

Onward and hopefully upwards, yes?


Friday, October 31, 2008


My baby has cut herself again

What do I do?

What is it that makes this child take a sharp thing and slice her arm repeatedly and then draw on the slices with black texta?

I understand in my head

but my heart is crying for her pain

and my inability to kiss it better

Is it a cry for attention?

Is she copying someone?

Is she trying to impress some asshole?

Is she just so numb that bleeding makes her feel alive??

Today I am going to find her writing and damn well read it.

Fuck this shit.

Jac, give me a clue here.


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

and so it begins

I have been saying to myself for a while now that mum is going to start getting
sick soon

and she is

she has been getting pain on her right hand chest/rib area

and its either her liver or her lung

but she wont go to the quack

because she doesnt want to know yet

but we know

yes we do


sometimes she just throws up phlegm

and I dont know why

but I do really


but you know, I have been reading a link from Tonis blog about
a family with a little nearly 3 year old baby who is on her last days

and I am grateful because this could be so much worse

at least my mother has had a life


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

something different

Sorry Jen, jumping on the bandwagon here

hee hee

Sunday, October 26, 2008


Was a great day

Am buggered now

I called the whales

and they came

10 metres away from right where we were on the boat

Mama and baby


and this is my baby brother

Good sort heh


Saturday, October 25, 2008


I am feeling very judgemental

Oh dear

Will be interesting to see how this day pans out

With me being the superior one and everyone else being shit

Slap me someone quick

I have things to do


Friday, October 24, 2008

and the beat goes on

Oh dear

Back again

Grateful for shining sun

Airconditioning that heats

Puppysons who sleep behind my chair and be good boys in the orifice

Newspaper and paper towels ( go figure, I have a puppyson)

Pigs ears

Sons in Germany (see above) who have started talking to their mother like she is a real person

Brothers who buy tickets for their sister to go on a whale watch (I think)

Apple and Cinnamon muffins

That is all

My back hurts

Lousie Hay would have something to say about that I am sure...goes along the lines of 'feeling lack of support' now what was the affirmation???

Ah yes

I am strong enough to deal with whatever shit life chooses to throw at me today

or some such thing


Thursday, October 23, 2008

and then tomorrow came...

I am home!

Not at orifice and not in town either

Darlin and I have decided to do his birthday on Saturday when it will be sunny

So yay

Home am I

All by myself

except for puppyson who is very quiet and not arse scratching either

Its so friggen cold though!


Tania, if I had the luxury of just doing lunch I would love indian, but it is rare for me to be able to make a damn plan these days so it will have to wait till I can.....

I think I may just go back to bed......because I can

Stuff the housework

Its not going anywhere....xxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

big day out

What a day

After coffee with assorted witches, which was fun, and I got to meet Tania too, which was nice, I went to the quack and between us we told some half truths to centrelink which is good, then picked up Shellibaby for her counselling appt, which was short (Shelli is doing pretty well BTW and meds seem to be making a huge difference) we headed home to pick up puppyson for day one of puppy preschool, which was hilarious!

Thats enough of that sentence...

Chandii is officially the naughtiest puppy and got sin binned 5 times for not letting the humping little maniac called Boris get away with it.

Boris is a horror puppy of a cross between a bulldog and a shitzu commonly known now as a Bullshitz (i kid you not) and if was Chandii I would have bitten him fact I wanted to anyway as did the puppymother who had a strange foxy terrier with giraffe legs who would not say boo to a goose but who also ended up biting Boris the humping horror.....

anyhoo, it was exhausting and also mind numbingly boring at times as well....

I have rolled and taped up 3 newspapers and am currently beating the crap out of anything that makes a noise in a vain attempt to control my unruly far i have not beaten the crap out of him though because he is just too damn cute. I did throw one at the cat because she whinges too much....havent seen her since, hmmmm.

Its farkin freezing and I have turned on the heater too.

Tomorrow is Darlins birthday so I will have to brave the driven snow again and come back into town....

and Sunday, weather providing, I am going on a whale watch with my little brother, who bought me a ticket and mum.

That will be interesting Im sure...never done that before for sure

I am sure I am rambling here so Im going to go and go to bed. If the puppy whinges tonight about his itchy arse I will just cut it off. Easy peasy.....but I think he is suitably exhausted after his big night out.

Sunday, October 19, 2008


Friggen blogger wont let me delete a pic....oh well cute enough to see twice

Friday, October 17, 2008


Well, here I am again

In the bleeding orifice

with the stinkhead puppyson who woke me up 7 times last night whining...had his needles yesterday so that might be his excuse but still.....

I am perplexed as to whats going on in my life right now

Nothing is resolved

Nothing is decided

Nothing is changed

Well, not that I am aware of I think??

Or I may be left

or not

I may have left

or did I??


I just have no idea

A bit cryptic I know but thats how it is

Feeling a bit flat today but no sleep will do that to me

Mother has been feeling unwell the past couple of days

I hope its just reaction to anasthetic or something boring

I have a nasty feeling that she might start getting sick

And I am still here in this box and nothing has been resolved here either

I have to reapply for the Carers payment. Frikken centrelink think it is ok for me to be working 40 hours a week (for nothing) taking care of this business but because I dont have to actually hand feed my parent or wipe her bum I dont qualify for a lousy $50 a week allowance....oh least they havent made me look for my required 15 hours a week work yet...and doing her shopping and taking her to appointments and doing the heavy housework DONT COUNT EITHER....its bum wiping or nothing....


so frikken funny that

When does terminal illness become serious??

About 5 minutes before you kick it apparently

That little form needs to be revised for certain


I shall apply again because they want me to so they can keep me waiting for another 8 or 9 months


By the way, its not about the money, its the whole frikking point of it

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


Gosh, things can be frustrating

However, in the light of a new day they can still be frustrating but maybe not quite so grrrr

If ANU is to blame for this then she is a bugger but in a good way

I seem to be spitting my chips all over the place .....truth hurts sometimes and life is too short to waste on new motto I'm afraid

Anyhoo, to go on with other drivel

Mother had her head cutting off op yesterday and all is well so far except staples in your temple arent particularily stylish.....

Puppy son is alternating between devil dog and butterwouldntetcdog and is laying here in the orifice beside me

Soon he will go to visit nanny because orifices are boring for chewy pups when they are awake

Mums birthday went well and she did get spoiled

I am accumilating a large pile of things I havent done here so I might be busy tomorrow but not today

Bit cool isnt it...silly inconsistant weather

I am liking Mr Rudd a lot today as he just solved a few issues for me indeed

I dont really have a lot to say except hello and Im bored


Tuesday, October 14, 2008



Saturday, October 11, 2008


Poor puppyson couldnt get out of bed this morning after his big day out

2 hours of Big Trev have sorted him right out

And then some family fun with 7 year old nephew and big car trips (in which he did not vomit)

and puppyson was a subdued and very quiet little fellow this morning

Im sure by the time I get home he will have recovered but twas nice to get a bath in peace and dress myself with out help from little black terror hanging off appendages for sure

Im buggered too.....wonder if I can sneak home for a snooze before going to mums??


Orifice is very quiet and I am reading a book, playing wordscraper and thats about it


scuse me

Friday, October 10, 2008


Is too a word

So, been a large week

lots of things thunk through and acted on and posts stay put now

I am sort of looking forward to the weekend

sister and spouse and cousin of mine are coming tonight for the birthday bash tomorrow

and also a cousin of mums that she hasnt seen for years and years

so will be interesting

Cant see me having much of a day off but whatever

the sun is shining and the sky is blue

hope it stays that way for the next few days

puppyson is a bastard who got a smack this morning

before you call the rspca his pride was the only thing hurting here

spoilt little brat is going to learn some manners this week

too big for his boots that one

just because he is sssoooooo cute doesnt mean he can just hang off the end of whatever clothes I am wearing and drag himself around the house and then attack my foot because its wearing my boot

I see a handful coming up

oh dear what have I done

at least he is distracting and sleeps all bloody night

Friday, October 03, 2008

sooo hahaha

I am sooo professional you know

A bloody marvel of efficiency and all that

Am busy being this strange professional efficient person this morning and daughter brings puppyson down to the office for a visit

all well and good, cute puppy

In comes new tenant to sign lease and efficient professional me is doing the do as you do

when puppy decides it is time to do his do

on the carpet

in the middle of the office with new tenat looking on in mild disgust

and professional me restraining my efficient self from killing puppy and daughter whom I had previously (ie 10 seconds ago) told that poo machine was going to go in a minute


Thats 3 posts today Mary

sick of me yet??

oh yes

and I ate a lot okay

but no bum pics

no pun intended of course

oh yes, I have the next three days off!

woo hoo

some strange mary....

Some strange Mary sent me an email which I shall now let you see....

Apparently these are remedies for boredom....

WRITE a blog post
flirt with man next door
go home and have an extra long weekend
bring hound to work
go topless at work- wont be bored for long
ask everyone who comes in to look at your lump
watch a dvd
paint at work
clay work at work
write a workshop on accessing power through art
sit out the front like sharon stone in basic instinct
eat some more
shred everything
photocopy your ass and send it to face book
make a drum out of a glass an elastic band and some paper
take 14 valium and look at life from that point of view
call the fire brigade
add a blog roll
update your profile
update your blogger side bar
shave your legs
stick pins in a lemon

post this list on your friggin blog !!

What a weirdo.....I would photocopy my arse but the photocopier is on holiday at the fixit place...and I'll be buggered if Im scanning it!



enter the twilight zone...

Thats what my life feels like half, well, most of the time

The bloody twilight zone


The wind is starting to blow up here

They predict storms over the weekend


Darlin is supposedly re entering the building tomorrow....

Things are feeling a bit strange right now

Change is in the air

Which form will it take??

Ive given up on guessing about anything these days

We shall see wont we

Hmmmm again

Puppies are cute little people that pee wherever they want and sometimes its on the paper

I think puppies would pee on the paper more if their mothers were home to rouse on them a bit more instead of sisters who tell them they are mighty cute even if they are peeing on the floor...

I have instructed darlin to bring the grass cutting machine as the grass is over the puppies head and he will be lost in the jungle soon...its very wet out there first thing in the morning and towel drying wet puppies is not high on my list of things I want to do first thing every morning oh no it is not

Neither is picking up poo but we wont go there

At least good puppy sons sleep all night and dont wake their motherpeople up



friggen caps button


Thursday, October 02, 2008

how to survive???

How am I going to survive summer in this boxy office???

I want to go play!

I want to paint and swim and stuff....


Manifest some sales for us people

I want out of here!

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

All good

I am just wonky is all apparemtly

How I managed to go my whole life and never notice that my rib is weird and sticks out of my chest I dont know

But x rays show no abnormality and that is much good

Had a little sunspot frozen off my top lip but all my other freckles are just freckles....

Not going near the quack for at least forever over hypochondria!

and I am okay

So good

I had a decoffee with Maryme today and was gifted with the most gorgeous little ANU...such beautiful colours!

And a pouch for my crystal too

The energy she gives me makes me smile and feel loved

Just what I need!

Mary is a sausage for ever thinkling these girls arent special

Mine is booftul!


Monday, September 29, 2008



MR bighead

Sunday, September 28, 2008


What a bloody stinker of a day!

And I live on a hill with a seabreeze!

Poor little guy pup has been a bit funny, swims in his water bowl!

So we put some water in the bath and let him go for it....he loved it but tries to dig it out

So begins a life long love of water...typical gundog!

It will be fun when he's had his next shots and we can go play down the waterfront in the sand

Well, yesterday was done....

I knew exactly when because I felt darlin's anguish in the middle of Coles......awful

Being connected to someone like that can be painful....

Poor darlin, poor Matt, poor me, poor bloody least she didn't have to know about it.

He is going to go away for a couple of days he tells me.


I guess he will get to it sooner or later, the fact that it had to be done I mean

I am trying very hard not to feel guilty but it creeps in anyway


have had a nice, albeit stinking hot, day at home with my babies

I am actually quite enjoying them lately

Shelli is a bit more approachable these days and Kayla is always a delight

Such a nice girl that one.

I am in town tomorrow for follow up appt with gynedoc and then must go have an x-ray on a strange lump on my chest that seems to have appeared just recently...the doc isnt telling me anything but I am a bit seems to be a top rib that is 'swollen' for no reason....better not be anything crappy or I may just quit! I am pretty damn sure it wasn't there a week ago....whats the friggen story falling to bits

Darlin does not know about this as he was too dog/self involved for me to be bothered telling him

That feels a bit yuk

In fact no one knows except me, and now you.

Everyone has too much on their plates just now for me to add another serving...tell you what though, I need two hands to hold mine....


Saturday, September 27, 2008

and so

I am going home soon to clean up puppy mess, kid mess, my mess and mess in general

I may sleep too as puppy decided last night was a good time to start whinging

Of course I didnt put him in with me to shut him up


Friday, September 26, 2008


Been to see psych with babyshell

Starting on Lovan tomorrow

He thinks she could use the help

but that she is also strong as well

We will try it and see how it goes

Poor mum of me is a bit down

but she will come good cause she is one tough lady, she just keeps forgetting

I am gratitude for being able to be here for those who need me to be

really I am

I am gratitude for feeling love for mine in spite of all the crap in the past

I am gratitude for baby girls who seem lighter and are talking more even though they think nothing will help them. Obviously on some level she believes something just might....

I am in gratitude for new puppies who do every single wee on the paper today!

so clever

I am not in gratitude for mums 60th birthday celebrations falling on the same night as Renata's cottage do!

How to be 2 places at once???


Thursday, September 25, 2008


Life is funny...not haha

Birthday went well

Puppy is a hit and did not wake me up once during the night...sooo cute

Unfortunatly hospital visit with parent was a bit depressing

CEA levels are at 20...which is up not down

Only a bit but still....the other direction would have been nice

Its so hard to understand all of this medical crap and noone tells you anything

I will get to investigation but right now I am disappointed.....more so because now mum is depressed again

I wish she would get a new attitude for herself

Defeatist she is and it can't be good

Or maybe she is realistic and I am not??

Whatever, I will see


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

But wait....

There is always more!

Tomorrow is my baby's 15th birthday

Tomorrow we pick up our new puppypeemachine

I have been and seen my tenant, the newsagent, in order to procure many newspapers for free for the next few weeks

Not that I will need them as MY puppy will only pee in the designated spot and has been doing so since birth......snort

Had counseller appointment with baby today

She needs to see a psychiatrist on Friday to be assessed for medication

She (the psychologist) believes that this may help to lift her mood and help her to focus so that the actual counselling may do some actual good

I dont know how I feel about that but am willing, at this point, to go with the flow, and my gut...

Speaking of guts, mine feels much better tonight thank fark

No longer paining when I breathe

Excellent indeed

Will go to quack tomorrow anyway, just in case

Full day ahead

Mum to hospital for oncology appointment, which has her terrified today, I am feeling rather ambivelant so I hope thats a good gut thing

Then mum to hairdressers for some beautifying while I run around like headless chook to get cake, pup food and various other sundries like birthday candles (where do they all go in between birthdays??)

Then to pick up puppy and go home for pee wiping and birthday KFC dinners and cakes etc

My big baby has driven up again tonight for tomorrow and I am grateful for nuns in training today for sure

Im sure I have forgotten something here but I will definately not be having time for coffee regardless

I may have time on Monday though if I am lucky, when I come in to have follow up appointment from hysteroscopy

Frikken hospitals

I am very over them

But grateful too



Monday, September 22, 2008

quite a lot later....

I am okay

full of wind and poo

but abdominal xray didnt pick up anything serious to make myself fart alot without actually inducing horrible pain??


very tired now


Sunday, September 21, 2008


Took the girls to meet the puppy today

They are in love

That was the nice bit of the day

The rest sucks

Darlin has taken his dog and left the building

Not sure when he'll be back he says

I am emotionally unavailable

and to top it all off

I have to go to the hospital tonight as I have pain and bloating and need to checked out re colonoscopy.....grrrrr

Was up at 2am in excrutiating agony and it hasn't completely gone away so they want me to be seen toinght 'just in case"......

in case what???

some idiot perforated my farking bowel????

I probably just need to fart and doing a giant poo would be useful...seeings as I haven't since then

sorry for that info overdose

anyway...going to drop girls at mums and do the bloody do

I just want to go to bed



Poor little brother is going to drive me in

Thursday, September 18, 2008

All done

I'd tell you all about it except I dont remember a thing

My bowel is lovely and clear of gremlins

I will never do that again unless they invent something a bit less horrible to prepare you for it

That was truelly disgusting

Imagine having to drink a whole bucket full of seawater with a bit of lemon squeezed in


I have a day off tomorrow so bonus score!

I am having my hair coloured because the grey is very prominent again

I will not be an old lady

No no no


Wednesday, September 17, 2008


This poo stuff tastes awful!!

Makes me want to vomit and Ive got 2 and a half litres to go.....

And I started late due to having to drive daughter into town after she missed her bus ....


Monday, September 15, 2008


Yep poo again

Am in the orifice and the sun is shining and its not shining on me

I am going to close for lunch today and go sit in the park or something like that

Too much orifice is detrimental to my health

I am no longer a ferocious coffee drinker did I tell you??

2 half strengths in the morning then its tea for me, herbal and real tea

I am too good

Since I told the anxiety I will no longer tolerate being debilitated by it it has been ok

There have been moments of course, and the first few days were a bit hairy but all in all I feel okay

and when I dont I am no longer fearful of a valium addiction, thats what its there for after all

I have noticed that it is worse when I have to drive anywhere further than up the road but am working on that

I will NOT be housebound because of a chemical imbalance that I created

I am UN creating it !!!

Once in a lifetime is more than enough times for fear to do me in

I am MUCH stronger than that

I just need to remind myself regularily


Appointment with child psychology people tomorrow arvo

Colonoscopy on Thursday

Wednesday is for pooing in preperation for Thursday

how nice

I am so looking forward to it and am so pleased they will drug me stupid in order not to remember it too

I am getting a puppy did you know

so exciting for me and the girls

but not for darlin


oh dear

did you know that since Josh went I have much more money??

It has taken me 2 weeks to notice that Coles is no longer eating my whole bank account each week...



Sunday, September 14, 2008

Deepest poo


I am in it

I have cleaned Shelli's room

and am the worst mother in the world


That was her

I am celebrating 3 and a half garbage bags worth of rubbish, and I mean rubbish, removal.

Why would she cry for the loss of 15 empty hairspray cans???

And 25000 empty lolly wrappers??

And she will soon 'fix' it up again I am sure

I want my puppy NOW....grrrr

Saturday, September 13, 2008



short for Chanandler Bong according to my girls


he is costing an arm and a leg I might add but I don't care

I might when they cut the power off or something

he is just the cutest thing you ever saw and if he doesn't inspire some happy stuff around here I don't know what will

But we can't have him for 2 more weeks


he is a lovely healthy cheeky little thing and I have been and purchased a puppy pee pad today

I will wait for the girls to get the rest of the puppy paraphanalia

Practical aren't I


and I am all by myself tonight

no kids

no darlin

what on earth will I do?

Its vewy vewy qwiet awound here.....


I have lit some incense and am listening to music

I will cook me something nice to eat and scoff the whole box of tim tam cornettos if I please

I will read my book

and tommorrow I shaall wash sheets because I have declared it a sunny weekend and that is that

I feel pretty good and smell like puppy

Valium is still my friend but thats okay

I can live with it


too weird

How about this

Friday morning I was woken by a dream

I dont remember it all just that at the end of it my mother was bleeding inside her head

Woke me straight up and goosed me a bit

So, she comes into the orifice later that morning and her eye is FULL OF BLOOD!

One of those bloody heamorrage things but looked terrible

Scared the crap out of me, well, certainly spooked me a little

Ok, so now I know I am not so disconnected as I have been feeling anyway.


Friday, September 12, 2008

too cute

Too cute

I have found a puppy!

Or maybe he has found us

Must go meet him tomorrow

He is black and a boy

must be a cottage thing?


That is me

a grumblebum extraordinnaire

Today my mission is to clean the filthy orifice and the putrid car

This weekend my mission is to get some sunshine (please) and to clean the filthy stinking putrid mess that is my daughters room

If your bedroom reflects your state of mind then she is certainly in need of a polish

But we know that already do we not

I am on the hunt for a Cocker Spaniel puppy

If you know of any please let me know

I think a bundle of licky love is just what my house needs at the moment

I will not remember puppy pee and chewed knickers at this stage!

I am demanding of the universe a break here

Some light in the tunnel RIGHT NOW please

Operation 'enoughisenough' is well underway

Now, how to make daughter play.......?


Thursday, September 11, 2008

Happy now???

Bossy boots.......

grumble bitch moan

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


I am remembering to be grateful

I am grateful for darlin who is here for me even when I am a nasty boring cow

I am grateful for the knowledge that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel

I am grateful for the 'fuckedintheheadness' that I have lived through so that I know my kids will too

I am grateful that my rotten son is safe in Germany having fun and growling at me for worrying about him

I am grateful for B17 that gives one hope even if one does not know what to do with hope yet

I am grateful for sisters and daughters who come to help when needed

I am grateful to friends who care

I am grateful for my own self and my ability to see what needs to be done eventually

That will do for today

I cant quite be grateful to the orifice for anything but I will work on it

I am grateful for a warped sense of humour too

Hard work that!

organised as possible

Well, I am organised for battle

GP appointment tomorrow arvo for baby girl

Urgent appointment with Adolescent MHU for next Tuesday already sorted

Spoken to school, not that that was much use.....

Armed for action in as far as one can be

I also have my colonoscopy next Thursday so that will be fun

Daughter nun coming next week to run interference with the troops

Operation 'enough is enough' is underway



Tuesday, September 09, 2008

My baby has scars all up her arm

How did I miss that?

Time for action


The gods have a strange sense of humour I think

Fuck the stupid drugs

I need my head on straight


Monday, September 08, 2008


I am back

in the box


at least its not raining I spose.....

I am stopping Lexapro as my quack says 12 days is long enough to know its not for me and one of the side effects can be rapid heartbeat which I have certainly had

So I am relieved of that

but now what??

Back to try Zoloft again....

if I bother

I will see how I feel over the next few days

Frikken shit drugs

Valium is my friend!

For a little while anyway


Thursday, September 04, 2008



I have been asleep on and off all day

I am feeling a bit feeble but have no pain and I was bleeding more when I went in than I am now


Funny thing though

They said they saw no sign of any fibroids when we know damn well there are at least 4 there so they must be on the outside


got to go see about that in a few weeks


I am still sleepy

Sister and mother are running the orifice and figuring it all out so I didnt leave them in too much of a mess

dont really care if i did actually


Wednesday, September 03, 2008

alive and kicking


I am home

and have survived

and not particularily sore

except for where they couldnt get the canula in

on both hands

and popped my vein

so had to use arm instead


see ya



Been awake since 4.30

but went to bed at 7.30 and actually slept for a change so thats ok

Have had time for some coffee before fasting begins so excellent I think

The birds are singing and kookaburras are very loud!

Am being scraped and prodded and stuff this afternoon


Its only LITTLE surgery I must remember....

Though I do wonder exactly how many people will be peering up my bits......

oh dear


Tuesday, September 02, 2008

wobbly week

Yes, its been a wobbly week

I think I have survived it

Ended up at the hospital on Sunday getting tested for cardiac crap after experiencing disgusting palpitations for hours on Sat night and Sunday morning

But all was well.

I think it was just the medication making things worse before they get better (I farking hope)

Been okay since, if a bit wobbly

My girls are a worry

Kayla had her first appointment with the psychologist yesterday and has agreed to go back for a few more. She is in need of some help and is a bit of a worry did I miss this?

Shelli has been a worry for the last few years and I am thinking she suffers from appears to be a family trait but getting her to see someone is going to be a strategic intrigue. She did talk to the doctor so there is hope.

My poor babies

My poor me

But we will get through least we are doing sommething and are aware....most important things at this point.

Going in for little surgery tomorrow

Sister arrives today

I wonder if she knows she is the messiah this week???

Son is having a lovely time and cant figure out why Germany has so many festivals...been to 4 this week alone! But he is happy and settling in and really likes his "family" over there. Probably more than this one here for now :)

Mother is unaware that she is exhibiting more energy but I know....she has been taking more of her supps (like I have been asking her to do for months) finally and I can see the difference even if she cant. And a bit of hope is creeping into her vocabulary which is good. I think.....

That is all for now.....might do some more later. I will say that when I am not having hours of palpitations I am actually feeling a bit better in I am sticking with the meds and seeing how things go. This because I am BRAVE and of course, DESPERATE......

My landlady is here talking to darlin....she is making my backyard lovely. Shame she cant do it from a distance

Ungrateful bitch am I....