Friday, January 28, 2011

It's been a year now....

I don't think I wrote about the day my mum died last year.

I don't think I have written very much since then either, really.....

It has been a wild and woolly year in a lot of ways

Grief is a funny thing and WILL be processed no matter how much you think you are avoiding it

So I have found....

On the night of January the 27th last year I was laying on my bed talking to Ken, we were just talking about random stuff, and about mum I think....anyway all of a sudden I remember sitting bolt upright and telling him it was time for me to go, I had to go to mums place and stay that night.....so, I did

I got there and my sister was freaking out a little and mum was up and in the bathroom, sitting on top of the toilet. She was in a very disorientated state and also in a lot of pain. I remember her looking into the corner of the room and saying to the 'empty' air, "Okay, I've had enough of this, get me out of here".

Somehow, with difficulty, I managed to get her to take her pain med's and eventually she went to sleep. I slept in bed with her that night, my sister was just outside the door.

In the morning of the 28th we got the doctor over as she was very agitated, not 'with it' and couldn't get her med's down. He gave her a shot of morphine and palliative care came over and put her on a morphine drip.

She only woke to tell us to get Robert, the kids 'dad' and to recognise Shelli when she came....

Not long after that she died.

We were all there in the room with her, we all told her it was okay to go.

Just before she went I felt a huge energy enter the room. I remember I said "they're here".....my unconscious mum opened her eyes and looked up into the right hand corner of the room. It was a look of wonder on her face and a tear rolled down her cheek.

Then she took her last breath.

It was an amazing experience.

There have been many many times this last year when I have missed my mother. But I don't wish her back. Not to that pain and misery she was living.

I feel her around me sometimes and I will never forget her.

In my time caring for my mother this blog kept me sane. Through this blog I met the lovely Renee, Daria and Barry. All three of these wonderful people have died from cancer this past year. Daria just last week.

Cancer is a bastard of a thing. It truly is.

It steals people from us under awful conditions and yet, how we grow in that process.

Not saying I am grateful mind you, just observing.

Anyway.....it's a new year now.

Onwards....








18 comments:

Natalie said...

Oh, I didn't know about Daria, how sad. Tessa Edwards, another bloggie beautiful, also succumbed to the dreaded C word. :(

Death opens the door to a new beginning, but is not an easy transition across the threshold for those left behind. ♥

Lisa said...

oh god, Daria too ? Wow.
I use the card from your Mum's service as a book mark in my journal. She fell out last week and As I was scooping her up I thought, "I wonder how Daria is doing ?"

So sad.

Sandra was a gem on earth Michelle, I imagine she she is shining just as bright where ever she is right now.

I love you Maryme- Daniel needs you now xx

Lori said...

(((Michelle)))I am sorry that you had to watch your mum suffer so but thankful you were able to be with her. I hope that as you grieve that you are taking care of yourself. I am sorry also about your other friends passing as well.

Snowbrush said...

I remember Barry and Renee. I was at both my parents' side when they died. The grief was very different for both, intense for my mother and hardly existent for my father. Once I got over my mother's death (after about a year and a half), I rarely thought about her though, but 17 years out and I still dream about my father frequently. My dreams are always pleasant, which our time together wasn't usually.

I'm surprised you didn't write at the time she died.

Cyndy said...

I've been exposed to quite a bit of the death & dying process over the past few years. It's something I hope I never become immune to: to me, it's a privilege to be included in the care of a dying person and their loved ones. And it is about everyone, not just the person in the bed. Sometimes, it's the person in the bed who has the lesser burden in the end.

Cancer is a bastard all right.

As you've found out, life moves inexorably forward, and grieving is personal, individual thing. Some people seem to get it all out there, loud & proud, others just get on with it (whatever "it" is), then deal further down the track.
Me? I miss my mum everyday, but she's never far away. She makes her presence felt ;0)

Mum's are special. So are the daughters that miss them xoxoxo

Bagman and Butler said...

Ah, Michelle. What a touching post. Thank you so much for sharing it

Audrey said...

Michelle, what a sad anniversary! I am so sorry.
Yesterday I attended Daria's memorial service. Cancer IS a bastard, and it makes me so angry. I hope that you have a peaceful weekend, filled with lovely memories of your Mum.
And thank you for posting what her final moments were like - I found that comforting.

Noelle said...

Sending good thoughts your way. May your Mum rest in peace always. What a moving entry today. hugs to you.

Michelle said...

Thank you friends :)

linda said...

oh michelle, how you have spoken so much truth with this post...i wish you dreams, love, blue skies and chocolate as you grieve...and while you sound like you are doing reasonably well given so much trauma, one never can tell...i lost a man i loved most in the world to cancer, and yes, it is a bitch of a disease...the fact we keep losing loved ones to this stuff is really rather amazing to me, that still, they cannot grapple with it's enormity and perhaps it is supposed to be that way.... but when it comes too close, too close is much too hard to take...i hope you are surrounded by loved ones of all kinds now, your life is progressing, you have time to paint your lovely canvases i love[and always tried to figure out how you did THAT!!], and know you are protected by the angels you loved so well in this life. xoxox and please pop by anytime, i would love to 'see' you again.

One Woman's Thoughts said...

My arms embrace you with warmest intentions of comfort to your heart and soul.

Your post really touched me.
When we lose a loved one we forever feel a kinship with anyone who has lost as well.

Janice Bishop said...

Bless you...you have a wonderful strength and a great way with words.

Kathryn Magendie said...

Oh! What a gift you had to feel that to see that -- but what a sadness to lose your momma.

Hugging you . . .

Kathleen said...

Bless you Michelle xx

Strawberry Girl said...

Michelle,

I sort of "checked out" of blogging because it demanded so much time from me when I was already very stressed out. I did drop by your spot every once in a while to see that you were getting married, but haven't dropped by anyones spot for quite a few months. So sorry to hear that your mom has passed away. You've been able to feel and partially understand that she still continues to live on. The experience that you had where you shot bolt upright and felt that you had to be there with her is the same experience that I had when my Grandmother passed away. I started taking a bath and then, bam, felt that I needed to go say my goodbyes because she was not going to live much longer. I hope that healing comes to your heart. I haven't heard too much from John but I do know that he went to stay with some friends after his mom passed away and then he went back home only to move somewhere else. I know that he is writing some, but not a lot and that he still feels empty from losing his mom. Blessings Michelle xx

D.M. SOLIS said...

Dear Michelle,

This must have been very hard. It's good that you were able to write about it, and that your sharing has helped others too. Peace,

Diane

Sekoishi said...

Interesting, I can feel all the emotions. hat an experience.

Jane said...

My mum died of cancer almost twenty years ago now - It was so sad, knocked me out for quite a while... the grief is not intense anymore - but I will always miss her, and I think I don't want to stop missing her because it is a reflection of the love between us...