Wednesday, May 19, 2010

For goodness sake.....

When did I start to let my head rule my heart?

I seem to be in a place where I have worst case scenarios running through my head and instead of trusting in myself, my experience and my higher power I am just running on what if's....

and yeah, it is driving me crazy :)

Soooooo........I ask myself why, when I have already made these decisions and I am actually satisfied with the consequences of them so far, why do I start to doubt myself, my intuition and even my dream? What is that all about???

Not really relevant, yet maybe it is in a way, is that I had a counselling appointment with Shelli today. She made a very grown up decision to start therapy with a really nice lady and I think she was pleasantly surprised by the progress she has made over the past year. I forget, as did she, that when we are smack bang in the middle of stuff it can be really hard to see how far you have come, how much you have grown and how well you have done to get to the place where you actually are. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy....maybe I need me some of that?

Me, I am afraid I guess. So afraid of fucking up this thing I have, that I am paralyzing myself. I am not referring to anything or one in particular, just everything really. My past history has shown me that I can make some really bad judgements of character, but in hindsight they were all lessons that needed to be learned, it's just that I got burned, every time. I'm a bit over scars....

It is all so different now, and things have changed to the point where I don't recognise anything but mine and a select few faces in the did that all happen so fast and why aren't I trusting myself?

I suppose that when you make a decision to trust, and I mean really trust, then you also leave yourself open to hurt, major pain type hurt, and self preservation is an instinct deeply built in to this black ducks maybe I just need to stop being paranoid and take things at face value?

Just enjoy it all while it is here and do my best to live it well?

Another damned leap of faith???

Yeah....that might be it.


Sarah Lulu said...

I call that ...doubting Thomas ...he creeps in and tries to undermine your resolve, your trust ..your faith.

Tell him to bugger off.....

Very natural he should arrive after you have made all those decisions and taken all those amazing action steps!

But pay him no mind at all.

Distance yourself from him ...


Dave King said...

That's what wisdom is, isn't it: knowing when to trust the heart and when the head.

Myst_72 said...

You've had so much happen in such a short amount of time, I think anyone would be stopping to take a quick breath at this point.
You're doing great Michelle, and you sound happy, which is a very good thing :)


christopher said...


Why do I always forget that not everything is my lesson? It is not all about me. Sometimes I participate in your lesson. Sometimes I am used in this way, as an unwitting teacher. Sometimes I even know it. Sometimes I volunteer for it. In big love we each volunteer, do we not? Is that not enough? No? Uh oh.

I come into things as pig iron and go out as fine steel. The change may require the right stuff of me and turn into my lesson but it may only require me as raw material and heat and just be intense. Before I just clunked. After I have a fine tone, I ring.

Yes. Over and over. That is what life is.

Cyndy said...

Yes, it's been an overwhelming past couple of years, Shell. You guys are on the right track.

It sounds like you're so used to the crap that you don't think that you deserve the good stuff..... sometimes it's easier to deal with what we know...

You are wonderful, and your kids are a reflection of that. love yourself. Your survival instinct will look after itself ;0)