the freezing off of the proverbial arse....

Oh my god, it is so bloody cold here this week!

I am having to wear so many layers of clothing I feel like a sausage roll....when K and I went out on the Harley the other day I had so many layers of clothes on I couldn't bloody breathe...erk

This morning I have a man installing a new instantaneous hot water service.......yay for big HOT baths! but boo hiss for turning the gas off and the water so I have no heat for two hours when it is practically snowing on the doorstep.....:(

( I may be exaggerating a LITTLE....)

The concrete slab that all was depending on has finally been poured and soon the builder will build me some more house. This will be good as one of these days I will no longer feel this refugee type status that I have right now. That plus a dining table to eat at and (ahem) paint on will be nice....not to mention a back door and a yard to throw the farking dog into.

Mum's house sale settles today and .....surprise surprise....the bank has charged a million dollars interest and there is JUST enough money to pay all the debts with none left over....sigh.

It's funny isn't it, how some people just come into your life and move into a spot that had been waiting for them and you never even knew it.....that's what my relationship with my K feels like....coming home.

I like it like that :)

BTW the pic is of Kayla's birthday cake lololol

the good, the bad and the downright ugly.....

I am wondering what my next step is...really. I feel, well, I don't really know how I feel. Like I'm just standing here while life moves around me or something. I am cranky and sad and accepting of that. I want to work but not if I have to work...lol. I want to paint but am finding it too hard to start something. I want to do stuff to my house but can't quite find the energy or the inspiration (or the literal space) right now.

So, a bit perversly I suppose, I am very very happy in my relationship with K and with most of the external stuff in my life, but not so satisfied with my internal landscape. Not this week anyway.

I am a bit stuck and am picking at the edge of the glue to see how to undo it and I guess I am okay with that 90% of the time. The other 10% I just want to crawl under a rock and play dead. This feels a bit like depression.....I barely hold it off with a blue sword some days.

I feel a bit disconnected and a bit like going to bed and not bothering to get up till summer. It's fucking cold right now and I don't do cold very well. I don't feel like I am doing anything particularly well right now.

I assume this will change.

Soon please.

I am sick of my own whinging.

*******

I wrote that yesterday....now it is Tuesday and I, of course, am in a different space again.

These things are still underlaying but not overwhelming.

I am not alone and I don't have to do it all at once or all by myself.

I am blessed.

Truth :)

How excitement!

You see this big shiny bling????

It is mine.....

Yep.....

I am now engaged to be married to the very best of men

How blessed am I!

juz thinkin' about life and shit.....

I guess when I was sitting in a too quiet office all day I had plenty of time to write and to think and to play around in my head. In hindsight, while that was nice in some ways, in lots of other ways it really wasn't good for me at all......

Balance

Life seems to be all about achieving some sort of balance in so many different areas.....

I feel like I am coming out of the fog I have been in for the....well, since just before mum died really I guess. Like the world, MY world, is getting real for me again and like I am participating instead of just observing......sort of

I find myself wondering what all the fuss is about. Life just seems to be so fucking intense sometimes but in general, when you take away petty dramas, it really isn't all that hard. It's just about doing....one foot in front of the other, sometimes a little dance, plod along steadily.....then a little dance again......sigh......I begin to see that most dramas are created by bored people.

I see that so many of us create crap to deflect eyes away from ourselves, so scared that someone might actually see who we really are, so scared that that won't be good enough, big/small/rich/smart/thin...whatever enough.

That is sad.

All that potential going to waste through a perception based on fear.

Thing about fear is you just have to move through it.....