I am wondering what my next step is...really. I feel, well, I don't really know how I feel. Like I'm just standing here while life moves around me or something. I am cranky and sad and accepting of that. I want to work but not if I have to work...lol. I want to paint but am finding it too hard to start something. I want to do stuff to my house but can't quite find the energy or the inspiration (or the literal space) right now.
So, a bit perversly I suppose, I am very very happy in my relationship with K and with most of the external stuff in my life, but not so satisfied with my internal landscape. Not this week anyway.
I am a bit stuck and am picking at the edge of the glue to see how to undo it and I guess I am okay with that 90% of the time. The other 10% I just want to crawl under a rock and play dead. This feels a bit like depression.....I barely hold it off with a blue sword some days.
I feel a bit disconnected and a bit like going to bed and not bothering to get up till summer. It's fucking cold right now and I don't do cold very well. I don't feel like I am doing anything particularly well right now.
I assume this will change.
I am sick of my own whinging.
I wrote that yesterday....now it is Tuesday and I, of course, am in a different space again.
These things are still underlaying but not overwhelming.
I am not alone and I don't have to do it all at once or all by myself.
I am blessed.