Saturday, February 17, 2007
the week that was..
Well, Im here
Its been an interesting week
Full of 'stuff'
I have been made to take a look at what drives me and that is never comfortable
For most of this week I have not been to school or doing anything very useful at all.
I woke up on Monday with an extreme aversion to anything school related and could not bring myself to be there whilst feeling like an alien
I doubt this makes sense to anyone as it didnt make much to me at the time
I have come to some conclusions around fears, fear of being 'seen', fear of failure, fear of sucess, fear of whatever
..and also I have been wondering about relevence, the relevence of me to what I think I should be doing, what I want to do, what my dreams are, practicalities, money, time, energy, inspiraton, motivation blah, blah, blah
Much thinking, sort of, more just being in it and letting the thoughts sift through the extreme lethargy that seems to have overtaken me.
I am going back to school next week. I am not sure why. Why I am there, is it necessary to put me through that. Through what? It is hard to try to come up with inspiration for work that's overall importance is to be looked at by a group of people who's agendas are so totally different to mine, who only look to see what they recognise of themselves and what they have been 'taught' is 'good' or something like that.
Art is a funny thing
Why am I there?
What is it I want from this place?
How do I get it?
How important is it?
I seem to live in a place inside me where things are still categorised and driven by differing expectations, others expectations and needs that I am still carrying after a lifetime of conditioning and only 5 minutes of 'me'. It is not comfortable and part of me would like to take it all off, shed it like a skin, and take a good objective look at it before choosing exactly what to pick up and 'wear' and what to give away
Yes, it seems we are all going through some form of introspection and shedding at this point
I am not really unhappy with my life as it is, I just need to decide, with my heart and not my head, to follow the path I have set myself with no fear and no expectations, mine or others, inter'fear'ing with me and my own processes and pathways.
I have come to truely believe that this life of mine is for ME. I am the one to live it and I am the one I need to heal and encourage and nurture along.
By doing this for ME I also do it for the others I choose to have around me, the way to truely teach is to just live well and that will spread, like a ripple, to my loved ones and touch them and effect their own choices and journeys. That is the best I can do.
I cannot change the past, I cannot change another
I can live my life 'well' and allow others to see me
What they make of it/me is really none of my business
The judgement of others is not mine
I have spent a long time learning to not judge people, it doesnt always work instantly, but I have come to a place where it matters not what another believes or does or looks like or thinks like, that is just them and I am just me. In fact we really are each other, just at different stages...
In the mirror of life I am seeing that I am still concerning myself over what people think of me. In my ego I give myself far too much importance.......I am giving an imaginary panel of judges far too much importance.
I will be my judge from now on
I can live with that.....