OMG

Today is my Kayla's 18th birthday!

How the hell did that happen???

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHILD OF MINE!

I love you lots!

sheesh

Breathe in.....breathe out.....choke

I find my self sitting here this morning full of feelings.

And that is okay....

Me, who has been running from feeling for forever and a day is sitting here swamped in emotion and allowing it to be so.

I have been reading and catching up on a few blogs. Not commenting much because I don't have a lot to say right now.

I rang a bell for Barry.

I am praying with my whole heart for my beautiful Renee, I know she will be lifted up by a thousand prayers in her final journey home. As was my mother. I witnessed that particular miracle and it was awesome.

I am full of gratitude for the people who have carried me and walked beside and behind me these past two years of my life. You people, my blog friends, my physical friends, my brothers and sister, my children......everyone who has played a part in getting me from there to here, right now, this day.

That would include this new love of mine who makes my heart sing a thousand songs at least once each day and who has taken my sometimes fragile self and tucked me under his wing and tickled me into laughing hysterically and then kissed me quiet again. Who is still patiently waiting for me to get back to me and who doesn't seem to mind who she turns out to be. Who seems to delight in me, just however I am. Oh yeah, I am grateful for that. And the freedom in there is something I can't and won't even try to describe to you.

If you have it then you know and if you don't, well, I hope you get it, oh yes, I do.

I am content on this day. Content to just be.

This could, of course, change in an instant....:)

Just for today I will enjoy living in the centre of me and just breathe and throw out the rubbish.....

oh snort......

Sometimes it just sucks....

Fuck cancer!

Just fuck it!

Pray for Renee people, she is on her way home.

I love you Renee.

blahdeblahhhhh

I am feeling directionless, purposeless and a bit god damned empty, mad and sad.

I need something to do....

but what?

What?

I can pack up my house to a point, and make ready for the move that I don't have a damned date for....

I can go run on the stupid bloody treadmill.....

I can sit here and type crap all day and think life is jolly

but really, what do I want to be doing?

I want to be moved and a little bit settled. I want my kids all doing their thing and feeling okay about it. I want to have a purpose in my days....I need a purpose.

I'm so not used to having nothing to do.

Shit

I guess I can find something, but everything keeps changing. It has all changed. Every single thing. I don't know how to do it.

But I don't doubt that I can, I'm just not 100% sure that I want to. Whatever it is.....

I could paint but I don't seem to have one in me right now....

fruggen hell

Life goes on...

I am not a good blogger just lately

I forgive myself :)

I have a life and in it I got a swine flu vaccination which has made me sick....as in lets throw up for 24 hours and ache like a bitch, sick.......I am still not complaining. I just slept for 24 hours and I am still tired :)

I have a terrific K daughter who looked after me all day and cooked dinner for everyone out of nothing last night because i was useless and sleeping and throwing up and stuff...

I have a fuzzy brain and everything is a little bit too hard. This will pass I know.

I am loved and loving being loved....that is absolutely the best bit right now. I got thoroughly spoiled on Valentines Day and several other days too......I am grinning on the inside quite a lot lately. Even when things are hard. Balance......there seems to be balance here and I like it a lot.

I am slowly starting to feel like I am not in a hurry to get to tomorrow.....that I can maybe just do today and be in it.....this is a bit weird....that a job, a moving, a whatever will come along when it is time for it to be here. That I can relax a little????

Pft!

Obviously the universe thought I needed some sleep so it got me good.

I am smiling on the inside....and sipping lemonade slowly

Just for today....

la la la de dah......

In a strange head space, in that I don't really have any idea what to do.....

So today I have cleaned a little, washed things, drawn a design and taken josh for a driving lesson. This took me all day? Too weird.....

I am waiting to enjoy this time....

waiting waiting waiting

I am not not enjoying it

It is just strange

sigh

sorry for whinging, I'm not really, I just ........I dunno, something

I miss my mum I guess, but I don't too

is that weird?

Ummmm......sad sad sad damn it

I'm feeling a bit depressed and directionless today. I suppose that's okay.....

I need a plan and something to do I think

Guess it's time to get my busy on.....

Tick tick tick......

Susan Seddon Boulet

I am thinking that it may be okay for me to just take a little while to relax and catch up on housework and friends and artwork perhaps

Time to practise with these tattoo guns and to design some tattoo's, including my own and K's.....

Time to breathe and to clip the dog and to sweep up animal hair

Time to train the bloody dog a little and to sort out all the garbage in my house and my life and to throw it all out

Time to look forward to the future and to plan a little bit....

Time to fall in love again, to ride a Harley, to get back my sexy.....workin' on that indeedy yes

Time to play a lot, work a bit, to run my arse off literally if I can be bothered...

Time to sort out the mess mum left

Time to be there for my brother, who is doing okay so far...

Time to be me, to sort out who she is now....

Yep

It is time....

Bring it on............

snorty snort ......

Oh oh....

I'm bored....

This could be a good thing but only if it motivates me to do some bloody thing around here.....

dirt awaits....

sigh

....isn't it???

Life is funny

a big hilarious chuckle

a wry grin

a snorty snort

If you state to the world that that is enough shit now, it stops.

People will always need someone to pick on and sometimes it will be you. How you deal with this would seem to be to state that that is not acceptable and then stand back and watch the universe sort them out for you......

and sometimes you need to say so too

and sometimes you stop wanting something and it comes back for another shot at you and you say no thanks, I really don't think so

I know that is all very cryptic but really, it is boring and all good now so I will leave it at that

I am on the brink of a whole new something.....I find this a little daunting and a lot exciting

I need to make 1000 phone calls tomorrow and sort shit out......oh joy

I need to find a job.....go to it universe, I know it's coming, I just need a little rest first okay.....just a little one.

I am loved, this is pretty much all I know right now and just about as much as I can handle.

That's okay for now isn't it.

the beat goes on.......baboombaboom

Friday???

How did that happen~!

Today we are moving Daniel into his little house and all mums stuff out of hers.....my house is getting full of bits and pieces and I am way beyond tired.....

Yesterday I was a cranky shithead

Today I am just going to do what's in front of me.......all bloody day :)

Tomorrow I am going for a long long ride on the back of a Harley......

That should blow the cobwebs away.

I am in the middle of making big decisions here and everything is feeling very easy and safe......a bit disconcerting for someone who is so very used to compromise.

I miss my mum, but I am still grateful she is gone now. I don't think I could have stood to watch her in that much pain and distress for very long. I am very glad I didn't have to make any tough ass decisions regarding that, even though I would have, oh yes, I would have....

I feel her around me and her energy is suprisingly soft and gentle.....

Kayla got into her uni course and Josh got into the TAFE course he wanted, Shelli is doing year 11 this year and they are all eager to be back in town. I will still be here for a couple more months. I need to do Daniel and get him settled and over the worst of the 'empty'....this hasn't had time to hit yet, though he is also feeling a lot like me, relieved and like we have already done a lot of the grieving......we have a counselling appointment next week and he has the most amazing group of friends here too, so he will be okay. My new man has signed him up for touch footy in his team too and that will be good for him, K will be good for him I feel, and having that excuse to come to my house at least once a week, when we get moved and stuff, will also be good.
I feel that things will be okay, we just need to muddle through this next bit, get the kids settled in their studies and me doing some bloody thing, I don't know what yet but am being pushed to learn this tattoo stuff so I will do that asap.....good money in tattooing if you're any good....and I will be.

I will stop blabbing now because I must go hang out the washing then packa damn truck.....

Have a good Friday my peeps.....

The End....

It was a good send off, lots and lots of people came and purple was everywhere. The sun shone in between the rain bursts and the priest was 20 minutes late. No one dropped the coffin, the family were united and I managed to speak without crying. Tahni and Daniel spoke beautifully and mum was proud of us all.

Many many thanks to my peeps for turning up for me. Lisa, Nat and Jen...I love you guys.

And you my K, I love you too.

Just so you know, this is what I said....

When Father Richard told me that mum asked for me to speak here today I was a bit horrified. My brain isn’t working properly right now and I am at a loss for words.

My little mum has gone and we are, all of us who love her, at a loss.

My mum was only five foot tall but she could fill a room with her energy. She was a force to be reckoned with, as anyone who crossed her path would know.

She did everything with her whole heart and if you were loved by mum, you knew it.

If she was cranky with you, well, you knew that too!

She was the oldest child born to Jack and Joan Harvey, sister to Jan and niece of Colin and Helen Harvey. She grew up in Wollongong and the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney.

My mother had four children, three very early in her life and Daniel, who came along as a late but excellent surprise. We, myself, Cherie, Alan and Daniel will always remember mum as the parent who loved us with everything she had.

She was a loving and giving person who helped a lot of people through out her life. She had a soft spot for the underdog but did not suffer fools gladly. She would be the first person to tell you to wake up and pull your head out of your bum, as I know from many personal experiences. Trying to write this for mum brought to mind a lot of f words…..ferocious, fierce, faithful, funny, fragile and fearless are a few of them.

She was opinionated and stubborn and had to always have the last word. She could drive you crazy with her pig headedness and she could make you cry with a kind and well placed word. She was also kind hearted and generous and would give you the world if she thought you really needed it. She was a strange anomaly in the business world, an honest Real Estate Agent, and she built a successful business out of nothing just by being herself and doing her best for every one. That’s just who she was.

A mass of contradictions in a way, yet also a simple and true woman.

For me my mother has always been my safe place. The place I could run to when life got too hard. No matter what else was happening in the world you always knew that you could go home to mum and somehow, she would fix whatever was wrong, or at least make it go away for a while. She was my conscience for a long while and she showed me that the meaning of courage was just standing up and doing what you believed was right, that you should always speak your mind and that you can change anything if you want to badly enough. It has been an honour to care for her.

She adored her grandchildren, Tahni, Joshua, Kayla, Shelli and Breock were bright lights in her life and they all gave her a lot of pleasure, especially in this last couple of years. My children and I were privileged to be able to move here to be close to her and Daniel and to spend a lot of time with her before she passed away.

She was Aunty Sandy, Blue Nan, Granny BlueMa and of course, Sandfly. She was also Ms Hooker of Lemon Tree Passage, a role that gave her great pleasure in spite of all of the stresses and, as she would say, that bloody Property management …..

she was loved by many and feared by quite a few. As I said, she could be a force to be reckoned with.

The last two years have been filled with lots of sadness and pain but also many many moments of great happiness and lots of laughter as well.

We have been lucky to have had this time to say good bye to mum. She would have wanted everyone to remember her laughing and happy and proud. She loved going up to Byron to spend time with Cherie and Richard and her beautiful Breock. She loved being surrounded by her family. She loved it that Tahni was able to come up regularly to help out wherever she was needed to. She was so proud of Tahni and of her other grandchildren too and I know she would want me to acknowledge this today. The central point in her life and the reason she did anything was always focused around those she loved.

I truly believe that the reason she hung on for so long even though her body was failing fast, was that she couldn’t bear to let go and not be here to boss everyone around and to make sure we were all okay. I am positive that she is here in spirit looking after us all still.

She worried most about leaving Daniel behind, her youngest son but she also knew that he is a strong and a good young man who has a loving girlfriend, many caring friends and of course, an aunty, a brother and two sisters and a whole bunch of nieces and nephews, who love him dearly and will take care of him for her.

I don’t know what else to say really, except to thank you for being here with us today to say good bye to mum. She is probably here somewhere tapping her foot and telling me to shut up and let them get on with it, so I will.

Tonight before I go to sleep I will light a candle, as I have done every night for the last two years, and I will say a little prayer for mum and for all of us and I will be grateful for having had the experience of her and that she is free from suffering now.

sigh...........

Life is a little hectic this week

and soggy

definitely soggy

for everyone else

I seem to be the only dry eye around here

sigh

It's not over till it's over

I have to write a eulogy type thing

and I can't think

I have a house to pack up and a brother to move

I have another brother and a sister to help and to hinder

I have family flying in tomorrow to drive me insane

I have to go buy some black pants because the purple lurex harem pants just weren't suitable.....

We are wearing purple to the funeral BTW.....mum is too

I am numb

numb is okay

I grieved already and I will get to it again soon

Just for today I will be grateful for many many things

Breathing is one of them....