Thursday, March 11, 2010

Life on life's terms...

I'm finding it hard to concentrate just lately. Actually, I think this has been going on for a while but I was just too busy to notice. I guess it's due to stress????
I am so over waiting for things to happen. I would like to have a situation where I can just get stuck into it and it gets done you know?
As it is it seems that every single damn thing in my life at the moment is taking it's own sweet time to happen, regardless of what I want or think I need.....sound familiar??
Powerless.....I hate powerless, but I am trying not to let it get on top of me. I just want out of here!
I want to be working on stuff that means something to me. To be building a new life filled with things that are important to me and to mine and to be moving in a direction away from this here. This here is a sad place, at times a mad place.
Limbo, I am in limbo and I fucking well hate it.
I want to be excited about stuff but something inside me holds me back.
Today I had a huge attack of the 'I'm not good enoughs'.......not good enough to get a job, to have the things I want, to have the relationship I want, I can sometimes get in this mood where I question the validity of everything I know in my heart to be true.
I question my own reality and could easily throw myself away in a moment if I let myself go's scary sometimes, to be me.
I question the truth in what I am told, I question the decisions I make based on my intuition rather than my head, I question the people who love me.....I don't want to do that. I don't like the little army that gets in my head some days.....that army is out to get me.
Today I feel very very sad and angry and a bit lonely. Which is silly really. I don't much like being alone right now and I can't seem to sit still and just be......I kind of miss that but I figure I will get back to it eventually.
I think I am actually quite stressed and also perhaps a bit depressed. I feel kinda heavy and dull around the edges and I can't seem to get motivated to do the things I used to like to do. I know this will pass and I am confident that everything will work out, 95 percent of the time, the other 5 percent can be fairly unpleasant right now. It will pass, I know this.
Slowly but surely my mothers affairs are getting sorted out. We have accepted an offer on the house and other financial matters are being sorted out. Not as quickly as I would like but what else is new?
I am embarking on a new life adventure soon and will be moving back into town, into a house with my man and so, into a whole new situation. I do this with my eyes wide open and am looking forward to it, most of the time. I get a little wobbly sometimes, because it is daunting as well as exciting and part of me would just like some peace and quiet for a long long while.
I find it interesting at times to sit back and watch me try to sabotage myself. And I also find it interesting that I can't be bothered playing games anymore. There are some situations in my life right now that, if I chose to buy into them, could do my head right in. But they really are nothing to do with me and the people involved in them are not who I want to be giving my energy to, ever. So, I try to choose not to. Going back to the fellowship has definitely been an experience for me. I don't really like it much actually. I am grateful for it, but it can be a very sick little place too. I need to be aware of that and not let me be dragged into dramas that other people create so they don't have to look at themselves.

I don't really know why I am rambling on, just trying to get it out of me I suppose.

It's my 44th birthday this coming Sunday and I don't care. I just do not care. I am powerless over grey hair and wrinkly bits too.

I just want a deck dammit....



Kristy-Lee said...

Decks are cool.
It would solve everything.

Natalie said...

All will be well. I have faith in you.xx♥

Cyndy said...

You are not alone in your feelings of doubt, Michelle. Who would have thought that this stuff would happen in our 40's? But, hey, life is constantly changing..... Every aspect seems to change along with it, even the ones that we were convinced that we were certain and rock-solid about.....

Just keep breathing, you know it will all happen ;0)

Knock said...

Deck the hall with bbq's cupboards, book shelves, table tennis, HD, lounge, laundry, linen cupboards, computers, TV big mother, and me

christopher said...

I read all you say, my love and my dominant response is "Welcome to the restless, irritable and discontent side of alcoholism." There are people in my circle who are convinced that pretty much all you say here is the drink, the drug wanting you back. It is not that your life is so unhappy as it is. Instead it is that your former life of misery is lonely for you and wants you back, is speaking up in this manner. Your old life has its own opinion and can speak powerfully no matter how much you know better. It rises up like this, manifesting as how unsatisfactory all you have now is and of course points out how pointless and sick the last AA house on the block is too. Just saying. Lack of power is your dilemma, and theirs too. Of course AA is filled with sick alcoholics. The grace is that we are not all too sick on the same day. None of us can be consistently dependable every day. Just saying.

The traditional answer to this discontent is twofold. Prayer and meditation on the one hand and service on the other. This is what works when all your friends and encouragers all seem to no longer help, when even God might not be answering. Even then, reaching out and telling your story works. Giving works when receiving no longer does. I write all this just in case no one has said it to you yet, just in case you have not said it effectively to yourself yet. It is said in my circle that any other answer including those that seem to address the current problems directly lead more or less straight away to an increase in the distress, an increase in the power of the illness.

These comments are for your eyes only unless you want to publish them. I love you, good friend. I know you are basically over the hump of alcoholism except that none of us is ever completely well. Not ever.

Bagman and Butler said...

44! My God! You're still a baby! Now I'll get depressed because I'm 63. And moving in with your man! I've only been following you for a year and this seems really really fast instead of really slow. And, of course, Bagman hopes your man knows how freaking lucky he is.

Lisa said...


Snowbrush said...

I too had a birthday recently--March 1 it was.

Yes, you sound stressed and depressed--maybe more of the latter than the former.

I'm glad you have a new adventure awaiting you.

nollyposh said...

You just need a little more ~time~ (Remember that is how healing occurs)

Michelle said...

I love you guys


Daria said...

Sometimes life just sucks ... it all can be too much.