Life can be challenging can it not?
I find myself in a place where I am examining everything and if it isn't important to me or mine then it can basically get fucked.
I have learned over the past year or so that sometimes the people and things you think are your backbone are actually just full of shit and when the shit hits the fan the shit goes running. That's life I guess.
I have just visited my best friend in the psych ward, due to her depression finally getting the better of her in spite of the most valiant effort by her to not let it do this. I have had to watch this woman get so low that she almost checked out of here and I, as well as a few other friends, have had to watch her spiral down and just hold her hand while she did what she needed to. I am saddened by this but also grateful that she is now down so low that the only way out is up now.
I used to be really angry with some people who I thought were our friends and part of my support system and hers as well, but that is just a waste of energy. Energy I don't have right now.
Some people want what you have so badly that they will just take it. Weird isn't it.
As for me? How am I? Well, I am up and I am down. I am very very happy in my personal life. I have a good man in my life who treats me well and who loves me.
Perversely, I am also feeling kind of depressed and a bit stressed out and that is understandable I suppose, given all the different stressors I am experiencing or have experienced recently in my life.
I am feeling a bit less than confident for some reason. Doubting myself and my capabilities. Doubting my self, full stop. I don't like it.
I was talking to Munchoman this morning and he pointed out to me that I have let my 'routine' lapse lately, that I have stopped exercising, haven't been writing or blogging, which has always helped me to reflect on where I am at, I haven't been to the beach and I haven't been practicing my art, which centres me. And he is so right. I haven't been doing any of the stuff that makes me me and then I wonder why I feel so far away from myself. I have just been running around trying to avoid sitting down and feeling sad stuff I suppose. I can do the happy but the sad is what kills me. I don't like sad. I never have and i AM SO DAMN SICK OF SAD.
I am about to get really busy now and life will be full of stuff. I am moving into a new house, that I am going to be buying, with this man I plan on spending the rest of forever with.
This is all fast and big and exciting and scary too.
I don't have a job and I will need one sooner or later. That is scary too. I don't have a clue what I really want to do to earn money. I would like to go get qualified for something but I don't know what. I could probably swing it, financially, that I could do some sort of study, but what? I guess I should just try to have some faith that I will know what to do when the right time comes. But sometimes that doesn't feel like it's enough you know? Sometimes I feel like I don't know anything and that I deserve to be nothing, have nothing and that isn't right. I deserve the best. The very best I can possibly imagine. And you know, that, for me, isn't all about money and things, though money and things are nice and I like them, for me, the best is about the people I have around me. It's about knowing my children are on the right track and that the people I love in my heart are okay and happy. That they know that I love them and that I do my best for them. If I am doing my best I can't be doing any better can I??? I just want to know, here in my heart, that it's all real. Honest and real.
I figured out a while ago that if I have honest and real and if my life is based around those two things then everything is okay, regardless of anything else. Sometimes honest and real isn't pretty and sometimes it hurts. But it gets balanced out by those other times when you just know, in your heart and your gut, that you are in EXACTLY the right place.
And I am. In spite of my messy at times head I know that I am doing the right thing. I am not always ecstatic here, I am not always smiling, but I am happy and I am satisfied that this is right. I can't ask for more than that right now. I trust what my heart tells me and that feels good.
I like it like that.