Friday, October 31, 2008

shit

My baby has cut herself again

What do I do?

What is it that makes this child take a sharp thing and slice her arm repeatedly and then draw on the slices with black texta?

I understand in my head

but my heart is crying for her pain

and my inability to kiss it better

Is it a cry for attention?

Is she copying someone?

Is she trying to impress some asshole?

Is she just so numb that bleeding makes her feel alive??

Today I am going to find her writing and damn well read it.

Fuck this shit.

Jac, give me a clue here.

WHY??

10 comments:

Kristy said...

Oh yuck.
Poor her.
Poor you!

Does she have alot of friends?
Do they do it?

Cyndy said...

You might need a sedative if you read her writing, 'Chell. Stuff that I have read has been so black & so lost that it sucked me down with it. And yet, when I talked to GG about the stuff that was written (a friend's Myspace blog, not hers), she said I was over-analysing as usual. I'm sorry, but I just don't believe this. It is gut wrenching stuff, but there really doesn't seem to be much that you can do about another's thoughts & emotions, and as a "do-er", I find this really hard to cope with.
A high School English teacher commented in an article in the Herald the other week in regard to the overwhelmingly black & hopeless nature of the Senior English papers that she had read.
In this era of overwhelming abundance, why is it that our kids struggle so much and have poor regard for themselves? Cutting seems to be a popular coping mechanism. I have seen the blades that have been pulled out of the razors sitting on coffee tables, & I don't think that they were exclusively used for cutting drugs. It is certainly discussed by the kids, & I wouldn't be surprised if they do it together. I'm not sure where GG has hidden her scars, but I'm quite sure that she's done it.
The texta? That changes the nature of it. Often, it can be something personal & hiddden, but the texta makes it so much bolder, doesn't it?
It seems to be a big step from the time when we used to scribe a boy's name on our forearm with a compass, doesn't it?
It seems to mean so much more when we are a parent. You've probably talked until the two of you are hoarse.....

Shit, indeed.

Love to you xoxoxo

Lisa said...

i just dont know
i have read book after book on it, and it still makes no sense to me.
DOM went through her dark stuff at 15 but never pushed it this far, although a lot of her friends did.
the texta is a new deminsion entirely- highlghting the cuts.scary.

i love you will talk more later

what is PAH ?

me x

Jewell said...

my heart goes out to you, it's something that is so very hard to understand.

Sending you both love and healing xx

Cyndy said...

The doing is not as important as the why..............

Rylah/Jacqui said...

Oh chelle.

I've shared so much with everyone why I do it and have done it, but in the end, that's just me, everyone's different, a cliche, but true.

In terms of an educated guess.... she might have seen someone else do it, or wanted to try it, etc, and then realised how 'good' or relieving it felt.

Often there's a lot of anger behind cutting. Huge self esteem/worthiness issues.

Let her know that you care about how she FEELS not just what she's DOING would be my advice.

I know it's hard to get help in the system the way it is. Unfortunately that's just the MH system. But she does need help.

Force her, if you have to, it's about safety after all. She might hate you for a while, but you need to keep her safe.

But don't push her to confess her soul to you.... is that a contradiction?

When I first got sick, my mum photocopied my entire diary and sent it to my psychiatrist. I never forgave her, although I do understand why she did it, although it took me a while. That one's up to you. Remember you could completely alienate her by doing that. But if you think it will really help.... are you doing it for yourself (to understand) or for her (to help)?

But my mum didn't really have a choice either, I was on the verge of death.

I'd like to see her get help from a professional, who she can choose what to say to and when. Someone she can see on a regular basis and build a relationship with. That's so important.

In my experience, cutting can (most of the time, not always) just get worse. Once I start cutting, it's scratches, but like any 'addiction' coping mechanism, it takes more and more to get the same effect.

I'm so sorry. Please email me if you need to.

Love you xXx

Rylah/Jacqui said...

You don't have to publish that comment if you don't want to either...

xxx

Jen said...

SHIT 'chelle

I think that a lot of the blame lays at the feet of 'pop culture'.

it is given as an option for coping in Dolly magazine, songs - is she into music because i know a lot of the heavier songs that are around mention cutting. that was a factor with mine at least.

quizzes on myspace even - i have seen them - mention cutting.

it is accepted behaviour between them and i think probably somewhat 'esteemed' behaviour. brave or something.

attention seeking for sure.

my guess is that she feels 'left out' or someone is picking on her or something.

I really really feel for you (and her) right now. I know how awful you must be feeling.

Interested to hear what Jac has to say too.

me
xoxo

Anchell said...

Thanks Jac

I have read some stuff...but only because she pretyy much showed me where it was last night so i figured that was permission, sort of.
And her stuff is self esteem and boys and total confusion about 'who she is'.

I am taking her into the Nexus Unit tomorrow after I try to talk to her tonight. I think she is asking for help.

xx

Rylah/Jacqui said...

It sounds like it chelle.

There are ways to keep it from people, but if she's let you see, even if she made it look accidental, she's asking for help. Maybe not even consciously, but she is.

Let us know how it goes.

And if you don't get a good result, keep asking and making a fuss until you get one! Sometimes that's needed, unfortunately.

Good luck.

Luv Jac xxx