Saturday...

I haven't posted I know

but I don't know what to say just yet

and I am very busy dealing with stuff

and yet not busy enough because I would really like to be asking myself what mum might like for dinner tonight.......

we are all coping

Thank you for caring

R.I.P

Mum passed away at 1.40 this afternoon.

We were all there and she went peacefully.

That is all for now.

Wednesday this week...

Yesterday we had the doctor over and he was explaining away the 'death rattle' in mum's breathing and a few other choice things like the 'death pallor' and the 'coldness of deaths hand'........(I am tempted to giggle hysterically but restraining myself here)....when lo and behold up she woke and then stayed awake all bloody day. She had a visitor and we all had a few moments with her in which she got to boss us around a bit and a few things got sorted.
That was nice.

Monday I got to go and do the funeral stuff. She wanted it sorted so it is......that was fun, not.

Today I get to do the completion of the business sale (finafuckingly) and to school shop with my Shellbell....also I have to sort out car rego and other such stuff.

My brother arrives this afternoon and she knows he is coming so will hopefully wake up a bit today too.

Whatever she likes really....this is her show after all.

My poor sister is now wearing my facial expression and forgetting every second sentence ........I did welcome her to my world :)

Daniel is coping well so far, but we are all together.

Yes Renee, together strong.

Indeed.

I don't feel strong at all actually.

I feel tired.

Have a nice Wednesday my friends......today is a gift.

Endings and beginnings and the bits in between.....

Mum is still here, my brother is flying in on Wednesday, once he is here I would almost bet money that she won't be here for much longer. She pops back in for a little while each day now but mostly she is gone.....mostly

I saw you
fade away from here
one foot in this world
the rest of you
there
I hear you
tell me I am
keeping you here
saying good bye is kind of easy
because I can't see you anymore

there is a blessing in there somewhere I am sure.....

Just quickly.....

Mum seems to be a bit worse today, she is seriously disorientated and losing touch with reality. She sleeps most of the time, is not eating, barely drinking and can't think straight. I really think the cancer has gone to her brain now....I really think this is it, that this next week or two may be it.

My Kayla came home today, and Tahni, and they are both shocked at the change in a couple of weeks. I've had Shelli in tears tonight and my sister has arrived and is shocked too. My brother wants to come in the next few days and I think that might be wise. Palliative care said not yet but my gut says very soon.....

I am so glad my sister is here. I am so glad I got the paper work signed even if we don't end up needing it. I am so glad it's almost over. I don't want her to suffer any more, she will hate this bit, she would hate to think of everyone seeing her like this. She would hate it. She needs to go now and go quickly. Just for her. Please pray for this. This will be so awful if it just drags on and on, she is almost not here in her mind anymore, that was what she didn't want.

I am going out tomorrow and taking my respite day, then I think I will be going nowhere for a little while.....

Just so you know......part 4536

The last few days have been pretty awful for me......

I have been forced into being the 'bad guy' with my mum because stuff needed doing and no one else has done it. That's okay, but it doesn't feel nice to have your little parent glaring at you and inferring she doesn't trust you when all you have done for two years is her shit for her......so no, I am not having fun. But I already said that didn't I.

Just so you know, my children who read this, I don't like it but it must be done okay!
Don't judge me, ask your aunty.......she is just grateful it didn't have to be her and so is your uncle.

Anyway, as I sit here typing she's asleep with oxygen on and I am waiting for the solicitor to show up to do the Power of Attorney thing and the Enduring Guardianship thing.
Palliative care have been and gone and they are concerned about her mental confusion too......I hope we get this thing signed today because otherwise it will be too late! Though they seem to think she will be around for a little while yet so who knows.....

I have been trying to figure out if I have done my best here......even though I have been distracted at times, by various things/people or whatever, I think I have been and done as good as I could?
I don't know why I allow my kids to let me feel like I am not enough sometimes, but do. Maybe it is residual guilt, from when I really wasn't???
I am truly surprised that I am still standing some days.
Really and truly astounded.
Other days I feel like I am a slack arse and could never ever do enough to make it better for everyone.......

Even if my mother hates me from this day on, which she won't (I hope), I still know that I have been here every step of the way with her through this, and lots of other stuff too.

(Just got interupted by the solicitor, it's all done now, thank fark.....)

Life is funny. My sister is arriving tomorrow and will be staying for a while now, maybe till the end, depending on when that looks like it will be. At least she will get to witness it all and to help and between the three of us none of us is needing to feel like we are doing it alone.

I was you know, I was.......but not anymore.

Thank you god.

Just for today.....

Just for today
I pray for the clarity and the wisdom to do the right thing
for the right reason
and to remember to hand my will and my life over to the care of 'god'
because this is too hard for me to do by myself.
I pray for my little mum,
I pray for my brothers and sisters,
my children
and me

There's a bear in there.....

Am I having fun yet?

Nope....this is not fun

This is pretty crappy actually

I've spent the last couple of days nagging my poor little mother in order to get some things sorted out.....like a will! And other paperwork that hasn't been done and needed to be done.

She told me I was a vulture so I put her back to bed.....argh! I am no bloody vulture! I don't even care about the stupid thing, SHE does. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.......

I got it done though, which is good.

The car is sorted, the kids are sorted, the will is sorted (can you believe it has taken this long!) and all that is left is to get a Power of Attorney sorted but I want a solicitor to do that. It's a big deal.....and I don't want all the responsibilty either.....so my sister and brother must be one too.

There are other things that need doing but they will have to wait.....so much stuff that didn't get done and should have while I was busy running the office.

Mum is fading away here, she is sleeping 90% of the day at the moment and I think it is because of the drugs but it's kind of hard to know. They have her on a new pain med and it has knocked her out and we are reducing it to see if this improves but she is still falling asleep sitting up .....I just do not know.

I am spending most of my day roaming around this house while she sleeps. Today I have bought some painting stuff over and I may get some tattoo designs happening to keep me occupied, K has bought two tattoo guns, a liner and a shader, and all the inks and stuff and I am going to teach myself how to do it.....I can make good money from this if I get good enough. And I will! Because I am.....:)
But that is for a little way down the track yet, now is for practise and research, just to fill time while I do my mum......it is good to look forward though, looking back is a little useless and a bit damned painful.

I want it known that I am no damn hero.

I hate this shit.

But I love my mum, even if I am a vulture :)

Argh.....

Ahhh shit.......

It occurs to me that sometimes people read things here and because I don't explain myself well enough, they may leave a little confused.

Sorry about that but I say as much as I need to and if you want to know more feel free to ask. My blog friend Snow has asked recently and due to my state of rather extreme busy-ness right now, I think I inadvertently insulted and confused him. Sorry Snow.......really!

However, I will not usually feel the need to explain or apologise for what I say here.

My last post was very short and just a passing thought really, not an essay, on what faith and hope and gratitude mean to me. It was short because I wrote it to remind myself, not to educate anyone else. I truly believe that these things are relative to each of us and that we get there, or not, in our own ways and that for me to try to tell you how or what to believe would be an extreme act of arrogance on my behalf.

It doesn't actually matter to me, what your opinion or interpretation of faith and hope are, I try to respect them, regardless, because they are yours. I TRUST that they are not nasty and that even if they are I know that I am powerless over what you say and believe.....so I leave it up to God/s/ess to judge, or I try to, because I don't really know you and I never can.

We can, none of us, ever really KNOW another person. All we can do is have an opinion, and that opinion will always be based on our OWN experience and that is why we wont ever know, because unless we can walk in another's shoes and actually experience their experience, who are we to say?

Anyway, that's enough of that.

I have a mother to go take care of.....just for today I will try to be grateful for that.

Pondering faith.......

Pondering faith because Lisa made me.....

and how when it all boils down to the very brassiest of tin tacks

It's all we have

any of us

In any given moment

Hope

Faith

Trust

These things I strive for daily.....

and gratitude

always gratitude

and lasagne that tastes good

I love you!

Life...in point form

• My mother is spiraling downwards....or upwards, whichever way you perceive it. Her blood pressure is low, she cannot be left alone now and she is as skinny as a stick, she has really degenerated this last week. I don't anticipate this lasting any more than a month or so, but I have been wrong before and will be glad to be wrong again.......
  
• my relationship with my new man is really going well, strangely enough, given the circumstances and all that jazz.....we fit. It is comfortable, comforting, exciting and also just plain nice. I am liking it a lot and am very very grateful for the distraction and the balance this is providing me right now. And I don't actually care what anybody thinks so this is an added bonus. It only matters what I think really......and I am pleased to announce that I am not thinking much at all :)
  
• My kids should all be back in the nest by the end of this week and life will resume......for now, who knows what the hell this will all look like in a couple of months but things are moving at a galloping pace energetically.......
• in short, I am really sad, really happy and kind of balanced all at the same time. I am scared but I have support, I am just trying to do each day as each day arrives without projecting too much past tomorrow for right now. There is a part of me that is quite quite detached from all of it. That could be my sanity......
  
• My aunty is down this weekend so I am out of here as much as possible. I do not feel guilty for this....
• My dog now has clipped ears and smells good after he rolled in dead bird yesterday and stunk like that......erk
• I am fat
• I have 12 zits
• I don't care

Byeeee.......

.....but do not hold your breath!

Just so you know...

No, nothing drastic going on, just busy doing stuff at the moment and have no words just now.

This will change

you can count on it :)

Watch this space!

Ummmm, yeah?

Somebody said to me yesterday that I am perpetuating my own 'pain' here by continuing to talk about my ex and what happened/s???

Have I been doing that a lot here?

I know I have mentioned him a few times this past couple of weeks, because he keeps popping up in front of my face and annoying the crapper out of me...but is that me 'keeping it alive'???
I am a little confused about that one......

Things seem to take on an energy of their own around me sometimes, like separate little vortexes that I step into and out of and yet they spin on regardless of my participation.....

Other feedback would indicate that ex is not doing so well, that other people are picking up on him not telling truths and other such things validates my feelings around some stuff and also makes me think that all I can do is say a prayer for him and try to just let it go.
That can be difficult when he keeps reaching out and touching me....he has big energy you know?

But it is not my fault if he is feeling regret or whatever he is feeling right now. I gave him plenty of chances and he chose to blow them.....that is ALL I need to know really, I don't care all that much about whether or not he is coping right now. He is not my responsibilty and I refuse to be drawn into his mind games and manipulations anymore.

OVER.......... this is the aim and the purpose of my talking about my stuff. And if it wasn't entirely before, well, it is now :)

Shelli comes home today, so my child free days are over for now.....sigh, it has actually been really nice even though I do miss them.

K goes back to work next week too so I guess things will change there too......

I leave work this week, that is going to be so weird! TWO YEARS I have been doing this shit every day, two damn years, more than two years. I wonder if I will miss it?

I only know that I am tired. Very tired........

I am off to do this day now....the treadmill awaits and I am running late today.....

I could, feasibly, join the gym now couldn't I........

hmmmmm

(I gave K a foot soup last night :) He was suitably disgusting.......)

Have a good one peeps

Love you...

Frog went walkin' on a summers day ......ahum ahum ahum

Ahhh life is a funny....

I have decided to do a step four on relationships, after having some words (and making some amends) with my old sponser, who used to be my best friend, who is now my tentative friend again and who has enlightened me with a few valuable insights into my ex partner, the bullshit he span for me and the effect he had on me and my life, because, of course, I allowed him to.

The anger I keep experiencing around him is real and valid and must be put to rest somehow because I am OVER it!

Today he rang me to ask for permission to come to my mum's funeral?????

.......ummmm, she's not actually dead yet dickhead!

So, not to lay the whole steaming heap of blame crap onto him, because that wouldn't be real or fair, I am going to do some writing and get rid of the lot of them......yay....snort! Oh if it were just that easy how happy would I be! It ain't a very long list but oh there are some doozies to be dealt with. The father of my kids is going to be interesting now isn't he........

Hmmmm, do you think this is appropriate for me to be doing just now?

It must be or why else would it keep slapping me in the face?

Please feel free to tell me to pull my head out of my ar...bum if you think I need to......really, I would so rather not have to look at this stuff ever again in my life.

sigh

Anyway, onto other stuff.....like I have told my boss I'm leaving as of this week.

I said I will work on some days if they REALLY need me to, otherwise I'm just doing my mum.

Speaking of whom, she is not doing so well. She is just sick.

All over damn sick.

It's coming people.

It's coming relentlessly and I can't do a damn thing about it now can I.

I really really really hate powerless.....

Gonna love you a little bit more...........

Oh wow.......so I am now addicted to Harley's.

That was most cool!

I have also made a decision to leave work this week, am talking to my boss today....it is time

My ex is still pushing my buttons like the good man he always has been......I WILL be grateful for the lessons God, I will.................I put it down and he pops back up again every time just lately.
I officially give up and say a little prayer for him.
Something like...."God, please give L everything he needs as long as it isn't me!"

snort

My befri came for tea last night with my mum and that was fun........

My man drove 45 minutes just to sleep next to me.......I find that endearing, especially since I've been so tired lately I'm snoring.....

My dog is about to experience having his tongue wrapped around his own throat if he doesn't stop whinging all day when no one is home......I need a dog whisperer!

I haven't had to buy food for a week........life is cheap when your kids are away!

Well, I'm off to do the day.....I will try to stay in it and to be grateful for something every damn minute

:)

Sunday sunday lal la la la la la lal aaaaaaaa

I'm sorry I have been a slack poster this week

I have been busy having a bit of a life and not much has been happening really

Mum seems to be kicking along reasonably well for the past day or so...

Yesterday, in case you need to know, was spent doing household things like washing and vacuuming and cleaning out the garage and stuff while K mowed and whippysnipped my horrible lawn......it all now looks schmick and also, most importantly, the Harley fits in the garage :)

Second most importantly is that I am going for a ride on the back of said beast today......

vroooooooooooommmmmmmmmmm

Yes Red FIL! Finally!!!!

Woot!

AND tonight my maryme comes for dinner....

Life is just exactly what you make it people, and gratitude is a perception

Just for today I will be grateful that the rain has stopped, that I am loved and that the council hires out bark collars.........

:)

Have a lovely Sunday my friends.

Alive and snoring....

I'm a little too tired to write anything much right now

I'm worn out.....

That's not necessarily a bad thing BUT now mum is sicker and has been pretty bad for the last 36 hours or so......

She is disorientated and over medicated and not a happy mother

So, that's where I am at today.....

Grateful to be here?

Grateful for the love???

Well, sure I am.

Takin' a little walk on the wild side.........

Beautiful besties......

Work in progress.....

I've been a little wild this week :)

Today I have wagged work....playin' hooky am I

I am a little bruised and battered but I am smiling on the inside even when I'm frowning on the outside.....

Life can be funny like that.

Funny also, isn't it, how it just takes the right person with the right key to unlock doors that have been closed for a very long time......and I tell you what, it is nice to be feeling so in 'touch' with me. It's been a long long time since I felt this free within myself, in a lot of ways.

Just for today I will be grateful for the distraction......

(it's been 6 months since I had a ciggy!)

yeah.....

Yesterday was oncology

The CT scans show that the tumours in her liver are growing, she is now 48.5 kilos, she's lost about 12 kilos in the last 3 months, 5 of that in the last 3 weeks, she has constant pain in her lower back and her right leg, she is on 80 mgs of oxycontin everyday and this dose gets adjusted every week pretty much.....she isn't having good days right now, sometimes she has a good couple of hours

My mother is refusing anymore treatment

She has had enough of feeling like shit and has pretty much decided to die now

I find this really really fucking sad

and yet I also feel a strange sense of relief

Does that make me a bad daughter?

I really don't think so.

I am a mass of contradictory feelings......so many highs and lows and not too many in betweens. That feels okay too. For where I am at right now.

I find it hard to articulate some days

I find it hard to say what I mean without it sounding like something else sometimes

I find it hard to know what it is that I am really feeling sometimes too

I don't envy anyone who has the dubious honour of trying to understand me right now

Except that it is all very intense and very real and that is what makes the world go round I guess

I had a talk with my brother yesterday.

We will be okay.

I am........something

yeah

I AM

Back to work today

I think I might leave.....

Life be like that somedays....

I've been reading Oriah Mountain Dreamer.....The Invitation this time, yeah, again

Years ago I read this book and I cannot tell you how much it inspired me to become whoever it is that I am today. The way she writes, what she wrote, the words, oh yes, those damn beautiful words....they drove me to explore me, what I yearned for, who I wanted to become.

It was this book that sent me on my quest for the 'real', for MY 'truth'.....

So, I am reading it again and I ask you what is it you long for? Do you have that longing? That I want, oh god I need, I want......what is it that I want?
I seem to have walked an awful lot of coastline asking myself that question these past few months.
I wonder if I found it? I wonder if I'm just paused for a heartbeat or two and if the want will resume at some later date.
No doubt it will, life is an endless quest is it not?
But maybe, just maybe, the quest doesn't have to always be solitary. Maybe at some points you get to share some of the journey.......maybe, after you have traveled alone for a while it is okay to just walk with someone else and let them help carry your load for a little way, just by being there to touch and to love and to talk to, to allow them to hold you close when you have been holding everyone at arms length for what seems like for fucking ever?
Maybe that's okay and maybe I don't have to pull that one to pieces just to satisfy someone's curiosity?
Maybe I just wont, huh......:)

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing."

"I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human."

If you can I might just love you.

Oh yes, I may well do.......I already know I have what it takes to get up and feed the children the day after the night my heart shattered while I lived my dark night of the soul, do you?
I have lived the time where I failed this and I have lived the times when I have excelled......I qualify, yes, I do.

I say to you, any of you who would judge me, walk a mile in my shoes baby, just walk a mile in my shoes......I can guarantee your feet will hurt like hell and your soul will grow weary and want to lay down and die and that you will learn a new way to be because the old ways just hurt too damn much.....

Ahhhh, life is a damned mystery and I like it like that.

I like the possibilties.........

Today?

Today I learned that I can push my own fucking buttons and that I can also choose to un-push them and to apologise for being wrong, even when I don't think I really am.....that may sound like a contradiction in reality, but for me, just for today, it was necessary. What I don't have to do is choose to share space with someone, but recognise that that person has a right to be there whether I like it or not.
Ex has decided that he likes to do 'my' meeting and it pissed me right off.
I can't tell him not to however, and I can't even ask him not to either.
It's a meeting and I don't own it.

So, I will do the meeting, and if he chooses to come and doesn't like what he sees or hears that's his shit, yeah? I am still a bit angry though. He has many other meetings a week to choose from and lives 10 minutes away from all of them. Oh well.......I am powerless over that aren't I.

Yeah, I'm in a bit of a funny space today but that is okay.

I grow here.....

painting my colours.....

all i need
is here
in this now
i am
momentarily
replete

i will paint
my colours
inside
your
outline
tonight
watch you

while you shine

just
for
me



:)

Gratitude?? Why, yes.....

Lisa, Jen, Nat, Kayla, Tahni, Shelli, Cherie......these are the women/girls in my life who are not my parent and who I love with my whole heart and feel grateful for every single day, whether they like me or not.....

K.......this man is becoming pretty damned important pretty damn quick but you know what? It feels just fine for it to be like that.....safe and just good. I dunno why and I don't need to. That is seriously weird in itself, given the last 8 months of my life.....

I feel no real need to elaborate on anything right now. I've just booked Shelli on a flight to Byron so she can stay with my sister for a week or so. Kayla is off to Sydney to work for a month with my big girl........Joshua is in Germany for 3 weeks.....are you reading me here???

NO KIDS.......(or kittens!)

wow, what on earth will I do??

Snort....I'm sure between work, mum and the above mentioned people I will be kept busy enough.....

I love my life today

I live, I love, I learn, I AM....

yay!