Yesterday was oncology
The CT scans show that the tumours in her liver are growing, she is now 48.5 kilos, she's lost about 12 kilos in the last 3 months, 5 of that in the last 3 weeks, she has constant pain in her lower back and her right leg, she is on 80 mgs of oxycontin everyday and this dose gets adjusted every week pretty much.....she isn't having good days right now, sometimes she has a good couple of hours
My mother is refusing anymore treatment
She has had enough of feeling like shit and has pretty much decided to die now
I find this really really fucking sad
and yet I also feel a strange sense of relief
Does that make me a bad daughter?
I really don't think so.
I am a mass of contradictory feelings......so many highs and lows and not too many in betweens. That feels okay too. For where I am at right now.
I find it hard to articulate some days
I find it hard to say what I mean without it sounding like something else sometimes
I find it hard to know what it is that I am really feeling sometimes too
I don't envy anyone who has the dubious honour of trying to understand me right now
Except that it is all very intense and very real and that is what makes the world go round I guess
I had a talk with my brother yesterday.
We will be okay.
Back to work today
I think I might leave.....