Sunday, January 03, 2010
Life be like that somedays....
I've been reading Oriah Mountain Dreamer.....The Invitation this time, yeah, again
Years ago I read this book and I cannot tell you how much it inspired me to become whoever it is that I am today. The way she writes, what she wrote, the words, oh yes, those damn beautiful words....they drove me to explore me, what I yearned for, who I wanted to become.
It was this book that sent me on my quest for the 'real', for MY 'truth'.....
So, I am reading it again and I ask you what is it you long for? Do you have that longing? That I want, oh god I need, I want......what is it that I want?
I seem to have walked an awful lot of coastline asking myself that question these past few months.
I wonder if I found it? I wonder if I'm just paused for a heartbeat or two and if the want will resume at some later date.
No doubt it will, life is an endless quest is it not?
But maybe, just maybe, the quest doesn't have to always be solitary. Maybe at some points you get to share some of the journey.......maybe, after you have traveled alone for a while it is okay to just walk with someone else and let them help carry your load for a little way, just by being there to touch and to love and to talk to, to allow them to hold you close when you have been holding everyone at arms length for what seems like for fucking ever?
Maybe that's okay and maybe I don't have to pull that one to pieces just to satisfy someone's curiosity?
Maybe I just wont, huh......:)
"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing."
"I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human."
If you can I might just love you.
Oh yes, I may well do.......I already know I have what it takes to get up and feed the children the day after the night my heart shattered while I lived my dark night of the soul, do you?
I have lived the time where I failed this and I have lived the times when I have excelled......I qualify, yes, I do.
I say to you, any of you who would judge me, walk a mile in my shoes baby, just walk a mile in my shoes......I can guarantee your feet will hurt like hell and your soul will grow weary and want to lay down and die and that you will learn a new way to be because the old ways just hurt too damn much.....
Ahhhh, life is a damned mystery and I like it like that.
I like the possibilties.........
Today I learned that I can push my own fucking buttons and that I can also choose to un-push them and to apologise for being wrong, even when I don't think I really am.....that may sound like a contradiction in reality, but for me, just for today, it was necessary. What I don't have to do is choose to share space with someone, but recognise that that person has a right to be there whether I like it or not.
Ex has decided that he likes to do 'my' meeting and it pissed me right off.
I can't tell him not to however, and I can't even ask him not to either.
It's a meeting and I don't own it.
So, I will do the meeting, and if he chooses to come and doesn't like what he sees or hears that's his shit, yeah? I am still a bit angry though. He has many other meetings a week to choose from and lives 10 minutes away from all of them. Oh well.......I am powerless over that aren't I.
Yeah, I'm in a bit of a funny space today but that is okay.
I grow here.....