The last few days have been pretty awful for me......
I have been forced into being the 'bad guy' with my mum because stuff needed doing and no one else has done it. That's okay, but it doesn't feel nice to have your little parent glaring at you and inferring she doesn't trust you when all you have done for two years is her shit for her......so no, I am not having fun. But I already said that didn't I.
Just so you know, my children who read this, I don't like it but it must be done okay!
Don't judge me, ask your aunty.......she is just grateful it didn't have to be her and so is your uncle.
Anyway, as I sit here typing she's asleep with oxygen on and I am waiting for the solicitor to show up to do the Power of Attorney thing and the Enduring Guardianship thing.
Palliative care have been and gone and they are concerned about her mental confusion too......I hope we get this thing signed today because otherwise it will be too late! Though they seem to think she will be around for a little while yet so who knows.....
I have been trying to figure out if I have done my best here......even though I have been distracted at times, by various things/people or whatever, I think I have been and done as good as I could?
I don't know why I allow my kids to let me feel like I am not enough sometimes, but do. Maybe it is residual guilt, from when I really wasn't???
I am truly surprised that I am still standing some days.
Really and truly astounded.
Other days I feel like I am a slack arse and could never ever do enough to make it better for everyone.......
Even if my mother hates me from this day on, which she won't (I hope), I still know that I have been here every step of the way with her through this, and lots of other stuff too.
(Just got interupted by the solicitor, it's all done now, thank fark.....)
Life is funny. My sister is arriving tomorrow and will be staying for a while now, maybe till the end, depending on when that looks like it will be. At least she will get to witness it all and to help and between the three of us none of us is needing to feel like we are doing it alone.
I was you know, I was.......but not anymore.
Thank you god.