Friday, January 22, 2010

Just so you know......part 4536

The last few days have been pretty awful for me......

I have been forced into being the 'bad guy' with my mum because stuff needed doing and no one else has done it. That's okay, but it doesn't feel nice to have your little parent glaring at you and inferring she doesn't trust you when all you have done for two years is her shit for no, I am not having fun. But I already said that didn't I.

Just so you know, my children who read this, I don't like it but it must be done okay!
Don't judge me, ask your aunty.......she is just grateful it didn't have to be her and so is your uncle.

Anyway, as I sit here typing she's asleep with oxygen on and I am waiting for the solicitor to show up to do the Power of Attorney thing and the Enduring Guardianship thing.
Palliative care have been and gone and they are concerned about her mental confusion too......I hope we get this thing signed today because otherwise it will be too late! Though they seem to think she will be around for a little while yet so who knows.....

I have been trying to figure out if I have done my best here......even though I have been distracted at times, by various things/people or whatever, I think I have been and done as good as I could?
I don't know why I allow my kids to let me feel like I am not enough sometimes, but do. Maybe it is residual guilt, from when I really wasn't???
I am truly surprised that I am still standing some days.
Really and truly astounded.
Other days I feel like I am a slack arse and could never ever do enough to make it better for everyone.......

Even if my mother hates me from this day on, which she won't (I hope), I still know that I have been here every step of the way with her through this, and lots of other stuff too.

(Just got interupted by the solicitor, it's all done now, thank fark.....)

Life is funny. My sister is arriving tomorrow and will be staying for a while now, maybe till the end, depending on when that looks like it will be. At least she will get to witness it all and to help and between the three of us none of us is needing to feel like we are doing it alone.

I was you know, I was.......but not anymore.

Thank you god.


Natalie said...

That is wonderful to hear. You have done a remarkable job, that no-one would volunteer for.

You must not take what your mother says to heart.She is drugged, she is in pain and frightened, and is having to face her own mortality. On top of that, she has to leave her children and grandchildren behind, and she has no husband to comfort her through this hell.

She KNOWS you have done your utmost, we all do (friends that is).
Your children are still children, and are filtering this through childish eyes.

Have faith in yourself and your mum, and the universe. It will be right again one day, you wait and see. You will feel vindicated.


I Love you, and I am proud of you.xx♥

wykdwytch said...

I would think that a lot of people are very happy with the fact that they did not have to go through what you have had to endure - but there will always be someone who is not satisfied, I guess.I had mum saying that I was only after her money ( what money? ) and my brother with the same attitude.....

Kerry said...

You are doing the absolute best you can in a very emotionally draining time.

It is impossible to give any more than what you have given, purely because you have given everything you can.

I am glad you have the POA stuff sorted.

As for those who don't understand, in these situations there is always someone who has to play the bad guy for a while to get things done. Your strength has came through allowing you to be that person.

Much love to you, my adoped sister. xxxx

Sarah Lulu said...

You are SO much more than enough.

Breathe in and remember you are a miracle. Yes you are. xxx

Lisa said...

no words

Cyndy said...

You are amazing.

You will always have doubts. Know that your best is always the best. No-one can do better than you. There is no one-size-fits-all right. And right today, this hour, this minute is not necessarily the right one tomorrow.

Your mum loves you, and always will.

And I am glad you are not alone, especially now. This time that you all share now really is a priviledge that not everyone has the opportunity to share.

The journey continues.

Loving you, Bluest One. xoxo

Renee said...

It isn't and would never be hate for you Michele. The anger in our eyes it is the hate we feel for our situation. It is the hate that we have to leave.

You are an amazing daughter and no matter what you must know that.

I'm so sorry how hard it all is Michelle.

I love you.

Renee xoxo

Bagman and Butler said...

I know that question well. Have I done my best? I think we all feel inside that we have not. But I've been reading your blog for over a year and, although you probably won't be able to truly believe it, you really have done your best. And more. You are an amazing, caring, and strong woman.

Anonymous said...

Grief and mourning will weaken anyones defences, your friends have circled the wagons to protect you, draw strength from them. fil

linda said...

you have done an amazing job, michelle, so don't let these doubts eat away at what you know is right and true about have managed an unmanageable situation..truly, it is that and you have done it and keep on doing it, despite the resistances, which is also inevitable...nobody likes to give in, give up and your mom is using her anger as power, to make her feel less helpless, it's actually a good sign in a very bad situation...know you are loved and thought of each day and that this path you walk will one day be bright and filled with good things, know too, that you never walk alone ♥

christopher said...

Loving you, I rise up and place all on the lap of God.

Loving you, I weave the threads of love into the cloak which I now drape upon you.

Loving you, I take the tears in your eyes and in mine and anoint us all who surround you for your protection in this complex time.

Loving all, I take your love and mine, and the love of all who surround you and with the limpid wash of love, I bathe the heart of the one who is so soon to depart.