Social butterfly...hahaha choke

Tonight I am going out again to the opening of the cottage exhibition

I hope this is a success for these ladies, I'm afraid I have been slack and just put a couple of older pieces in because, well, I haven't finished any new ones :)

I slept well last night, in my schmick new bed. So comfy! it was nice to drift off listening to music too....I don't think I moved all night.

I have been going through some harrowing self realisation this week, which is all good, just exhausting. I realise too, how far I have come since that frightened little girl went to rehab all those years ago too......a hundred thousand light years.

These past few months seem to have been a time of testing that stuff, that knowledge I guess, of seeing things in me that need tuning, dropping or just acknowledging and doing so. I didn't realise, for example, that I still had so much codependency stuff to look at.......but I am now aware, which is funny, or will be in a month or so :)

It's all very well to figure out you don't want something in your life and to boot it out....this is great. But when you are left with the gaping hole afterwards you kinda need to know that it's okay to have one and to trust that it will not be a hole forever........someone will know what I mean here and laugh too I guess ........

Anyway, a few gaping holes coming up for me in the not too distant future I suppose, so I'd better get used to them, and get grateful too.

I cannot hide anything these days.....I am forced to truth every single time. I'm getting quite good at the wry smile......

I hope to have a little fun as well as everything else over the next month or two. I know it will be hard but it has been hard all along. I need some fun too.

Real fun not of the imaginary kind.

I had dinner out with my befri last night. My Lisa is, amongst one or two other wise souls, a god-ess send for me, she keeps me level you know, whilst allowing me to also be a total knobhead.....I love her to bits truly. Just for being her and her letting me be me. Warts and all.

I think I might have a little look around and find a dance class! That'd be fun wouldn't it, and I always wanted to know how to dance properly!

Wanna come???

Well, bite my bum and call me Charlie.....

I should go out to dinner more often

Getting out of the house and off this peninsula has done me good

Now, off to sleep in my brand new bed!

By my nearly new self......

Hopefully I will wake up flu-less in the morning...........snifffffffffffff

What's in the box???

Goodness, it's freezing today!

What happened to Spring?

I have a cold, flu, something, so am feeling miserable with a sore throat on one hand, and hyper from drugs on the other :)

I so so so need a hug......

grrrrrr

My new bed came this morning, at 7 am........

Here it is, not all done yet, need to decorate, but pretty schmick yes?

And empty....

sob...I am SO pathetic this week!

I hate this office

Truth.....

You know what?

Some days I am just fucking confused.....

Today is one of them!

Well, who bloody knew !!!

Hmmm.........it isn't raining still :)

I thought I was stuck here with no internet this morning

I'm a bit surprised by how much that freaked me out!

I know I have become very reliant on this computer this past year or so, to keep me in touch with my friends, to keep me amused too I guess, in this not so amusing situation that I am living, to communicate with the human race.

Looking back on this past 2 years ( 2 f#@king YEARS!) I have actually been through rather a lot haven't I.......really

Just about everything on the major life stresses list I do believe, with the exception of having a deadly disease myself......(which I don't and won't you hear me universe!)

I have moved me and my house full of teenagers and dealt with the crap that accompanied that, I have been dealing with a dying parent, I have broken off a long term relationship, I have dealt with a child who was harming herself, I have sent a son overseas for a year, I have run a business I know nothing about after a life of never really having worked at all, I have left a life I was familiar with if nothing else and every single thing has changed.......

EVERY SINGLE THING!!!

I am a little lost right now but you know what....I will certainly not stay that way for long

I am a little lonely right now but I wont stay that way for long either!

I'm a little wired too........

A bit confused by some signals I may or may not have gotten crossed somewhere along the line......

Whatever, it will get sorted without any help or any more stress from me, that is certain.

I think I'm okay......

In fact, I know I am....

I just need to remember this at midnight when it's dark and lonely and stuff in my room......

In my new bed

Which comes in 2 days :)

I bought myself an ipod and a dock today.......that should keep me amused for 5 minutes

I can listen to great music all by myself in my brand new bed....snort!

hee heeeeeee

Looking backwards inside out....

All my life

you disregard me

my grief that is real

the love I feel

all my life you

stole my words

made me less

than you

all my life you were

the driving force

behind my fears

the reason I hid

down there

such a lot of power

to give you

one small woman

my mother

all my life

I've missed you

nothing will change

now, will it

All my life

you made me weaker

than I needed to be

or so I thought

till now

all my life I let you

and now I let you

willingly

for the last time

Always

I tried to please

I blamed

I searched in them

for you

You held me tight

when I was small

told me they

couldn't hurt me

you were wrong

you went away

and they did

you know

now I am you

I see why

me still

trying to please

you given up

you say you love me

I say yeah

we don't even

know each other

father mine

still, you run

will I always chase you?

Been trying to sort through my head this week

To filter through the co dependant residue

To figure out what it is I need, as opposed to what it is I want

To unravel a few knots I've discovered

To put a lid on some unhealthy patterns

This is hard stuff

To see it

To feel it

To not act on it

It seems I have learned a lot over the years and now I get the chance to put it all into play....or at least to acknowledge it and move on.......I hope

Arghhhhh

Playin' on a Monday......

Unfinished

A thought or two

crosses my mind

and I wonder

if I could see

you now

with my naked eye

would I like what I saw?

maybe I'm better off

here in my head

where the only thing

I'm hurting

is me

On waking up alone again.....

So, it's Monday

Still raining and soggy......sigh

Still, a day off is a day off even if there's not too much you can do with it

Yesterday I decided to get some paper mounted on some frames and so, (after stabbing myself quite nastily in the knuckle with a steak knife, pulling staples out of a canvas) and then soaking some paper ready to go, then running around like a nut case looking for my staple gun, finding it in Shelli's room (grrrrrrrrrr) I still couldn't find any staples........needless to say the paper mounting waits still and my knuckle hurts.

I also woke up yesterday with a strange pain in my rib that has disappeared today so is obviously not a collapsed lung or anything too serious. It was there ALL day though, which was weird.

I know this stuff is not interesting really, but it is my life at the moment.

My mother came home last night.

She has lost weight. Her eyes tell the tale, she is very not well. (I meant to write it like that)

I'm not sure how I am feeling right now, About anything much at all really. Still. That's okay I guess. Normal even.

I know I need to be getting myself out of my head a bit. It's getting a bit intense in there lately.

I know I need to get out and have a bit of fun if possible, do some distracting stuff.

I hope that can happen.

I know lots of stuff, and nothing at all.

I feel a bit like a little kid again you know.

Waiting for the big people to tell me what to do.

I don't like it much.

I had a nice day out the other day, doing nothing much at all really. I liked that a lot. I need some more of that.

Somebody said to me the other day that I've been stuck in the box too long, and need to be bought up to speed on what's going on out there........yeah.

I'm going to put some work in the local art exhibition here in November.....why not. I'm putting a couple of bits in the cottage exhibition this week but that's not quite the same....the local art group holds a fairly large exhibition every year and gets a fair bit of exposure so that might be fun. And I joined it too, so maybe I will actually GO to a meeting or something? Hang out with the fuddy duddies .....who knows, out of these things interesting stuff might happen? At least it wont be in the 'box' staring out the window or typing crap. Or sitting in front of this computer waiting for something to fall out of the sky and hit me on the head.

I need a life. Really I do.

So I better go get one heh....

Or I will turn into a crazy lady, even crazier than right now.......a crazy alone old lady is not on my wish list of things I want to be one day.

I am fairly presentable, I used to know how to dance once upon a time, I can eat with utensils :) I guess I could be seen in public.....

I have been 'sort of' invited to a couple of things too.....I'm going to go, if I get properly invited.

I can always come home if I hate it can't I :)

Okay universe.....(I should never say this as it always works).......bring it on then

Cringe....

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Singing loudly at backpassage on a Sunday......

Yep

that's me

warbling away to Kings of Leon and other such stuff

the stereo won't go loud enough grrrrrrrrrr

washing floors and bopping with the mop :)

cooking spag bol

washing washing washing

in between

making canvas's

and doing the do

feelin' okay thank you very much :)

It's cold here........

well, outside anyway

Saturday wasn't meant to be easy......

The gods are not funny....

I just want to go fishing, sit in the sun and relax, maybe laugh or something

So, I plan this several weeks in a row, and each weekend it is either blowing a gale or I have something else important to do

Today it is pissing down rain

I'm going for lunch instead

Stuff it!

My day did have a point....I'm pretty sure it did......didn't it?

In point form as I am buggered right now.....

• I talked to a friend, which made me feel better, and them too I hope
• I had a tantrum and hung up on the doctors secretary because she is an IDIOT!!!!!!
• I went to the doctors surgery and sat there and cried till they let me see the doctor and get mums morphiene script to fax up to Byron because she ran out because she is a silly cow who is used to me doing everything for her.........
• I apologised to the doctors secretary who is not really an idiot but the doctor is and that's her row to hoe.........
• I went to work for half an hour to stop my sale from being stolen and found them STILL not able to get month end away after 3 DAYS!!!!.......I had to go so now my sale has likely been stolen and if I don't get paid for it the shit will HIT THE FAN like they have never seen it because this little black duck has had enough of people not telling her stuff....
• I went to the dentist and had needles and got stuff done that left me feeling sore and numb but looking schmick! Sort of.......
• Went to MY doctors and got buckets of blood taken to test for hormone imbalances and other such unlikely things....doctor thinks I am stressed to my limit and so do I but I do the do because alternative things don't bear thinking about........I also got some more valium, so I wont go mad quite yet :)
• I went and looked at 75 bed shops then went back to the first one and bought a new bedroom suite that likely wont fit in my bedroom but I will have a brand new bed on Thursday anyway, even if the tall boy lives outside of the bedroom. I like this bed a lot. I don't think I have ever had a brand new bed before....certainly not all of my own anyway.
• I am wondering how to get a life, have a life and also clean up 20 tonnes of dust from mums house before Sunday........
• Am sick of eating crap and have decided to stop that now that I have regained my few kilos I lost the other month.......grrrrrr
• I am bored
• I am lonely
• I am sick of being close to tears
• I am in need of a cuddle and a back rub
• suck it up Michelle, suck it up

Weekend?? Who me???

I just realised that this weekend is a long weekend :)

I have to work Saturday morning, but other than that, seeings as tomorrow is my day off, I have a few days of doing whatever I like up my sleeve it seems!

Wow.

I go to the dentist tomorrow. That's not so exciting, but then I'm going shopping for a new bed, and maybe I will go to the art supply shop too.........maybe I will!

The weather thingy says its going to rain on the weekend :(

....not at my house it isn't! I have plans, sort of, and I require some sunshine please!

Anyway, whatever the weekend brings, and that may well just be a sick mother home, I feel better than I have been.

I hope you do too. Yes, you.

Now, let's get today over with so I can go play.....

Get a haircut and get a real job......

Well, an interesting day has been had.

My first month end with the new owners :) ....am laughing my arse off at how badly they do this......I look like a QUEEN in comparison.......but it was kind of fun working in the other office with an actual person and such stuff. I think I have been alone in that other place for far too long. I'm turning into a hermit........I need to get a life!

I sold a house, an EXPENSIVE house....which should make me popular, especially when I want a cut! We'll see about that, I have another sale in the works though so they better be good to me!

I am getting a little mad at stuff........

My mother is in hospital in Mullumbimby tonight, getting treated for something, I don't bloody know what and neither does anyone just now. She has been very sick the past couple of days with what was thought to be a chest infection and possibly pneumonia......then possibly fluid on the heart....now fark knows and we wait for xrays and stuff and Mullim' hospital is as big as two cents so who knows if they even have a real doctor......am waiting for more info from my poor sister who is now living my life a little...........

I am feeling a bit shaky but okay. I will survive..........

Time for dinner and then bed, speaking of which, I am buying me a new one this week......bed that is. It's about time........I've always wanted a chunky wooden type bed soooooooo, I am having one.

Why bloody not.....

Yeah, maybe so.....well alright then

I guess I have many reasons for needing to cry right now........

That's okay ...

I will go get a blood test done and make sure the body is not out of whack.....

I will research some other stuff

I will allow me time too.....to heal, to deal

I will trust that all is as it should be.....

What else is there?

time to get mad!

Oh for gods sake

why will I not stop crying?

EVERYTHING is making me cry........

grrrrrrrr

I AM too young for menopause right??

RIGHT?????

right!

I can do that....

Draw a line

and stay away

she said

I can do that

I find gratitude

in my heart

for all the empty

you filled

and

I wish you

love

Tentative Tuesday

The wind has stopped blowing

I am feeling cautiously optimistic

sort of

I need a project

Something to occupy me

Something with teeth.....

Tonight I am going to prepare some surfaces for painting.

And then I might just paint them.

I don't really have an idea in mind, just a feeling, that seems to work best sometimes.

For me anyway......

7 weeks without a ciggy today, its been hard this past week I must say

I feel kind of empty and directionless but I think I can see that that is actually okay.

A starting point

for the next bit

whatever that is.....

my back hurts.....

What is it with guilt,
I ask
why do I feel the need
to carry yours
every single time?
Why can I not be content
to let you make
your own mistake
carry your own fear
judge yourself

Mine are heavy enough

at least I think they are
maybe I should sort them out
give yours back
to you

my back hurts

forgetful

mostly I can see
the shiny bits
glinting through
mostly I can find
a smile
sometimes though
its just too fucking hard
to stretch my lips far enough
so they reach my eyes

sometimes I get sick
of banalities
lies you tell
that I believe
each time
when I talk to myself
at 2 am

that's okay too
as long as I don't live there
I just forgot
what it felt like

Turning eight on another windy Monday.......

Eight years ago today I had my last drink.....

wow

Happy Birthday to me.

I have woken this morning to the smell of bushfire in the air. There have been fires burning all night around here, well, not too far away and all I can taste is dust and smoke.....

I hope they got it under control.

I have had a few very sad days mourning the loss of something I never could have had anyway.......pretty silly really but no less real for all that.

Sometimes dreams die harder than anything else.

Today I will look for gratitude.

I'm sure I will find it somewhere......

Throwing my hands up today......you take it universe, I don't want it any more.

Somehow I have managed to be put in a place here....

My mother and brother are at my sisters for another week, they have been there for a week already now

My kids are at home with me

I am just here.......kind of just stuck

I don't know what the next bit is

I don't know what to do

What not to do

Nobody is actually asking me for anything right now.....

And I have no idea what to do with myself

I'm feeling awfully lost in here though