Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Looking backwards inside out....

All my life
you disregard me
my grief that is real
the love I feel
all my life you
stole my words
made me less
than you
all my life you were
the driving force
behind my fears
the reason I hid
down there

such a lot of power
to give you
one small woman
my mother

all my life
I've missed you
nothing will change
now, will it

All my life
you made me weaker
than I needed to be
or so I thought
till now

all my life I let you
and now I let you

for the last time

I tried to please
I blamed
I searched in them
for you
You held me tight
when I was small
told me they
couldn't hurt me
you were wrong
you went away
and they did
you know
now I am you
I see why
me still
trying to please
you given up
you say you love me
I say yeah
we don't even
know each other
father mine
still, you run
will I always chase you?

Been trying to sort through my head this week

To filter through the co dependant residue

To figure out what it is I need, as opposed to what it is I want

To unravel a few knots I've discovered

To put a lid on some unhealthy patterns

This is hard stuff

To see it

To feel it

To not act on it

It seems I have learned a lot over the years and now I get the chance to put it all into play....or at least to acknowledge it and move on.......I hope



Bogey said...

Michelle, I think one of the saddest and hardest things we, as adults, have to deal with, is the baggage of our childhood. However it surfaces, it is ours to deal with as soon as we can identify the affliction. Our youth was wasted either in some misguided rebellion, denial, or just plain lack of understanding. And now, it is spent trying to deal with and heal the wrongs that were afflicted upon us as though we were responsible. As children we try to be adults and as adults we have to re-visit our childhood, however painful, in order to obtain some form of tolerable closure. Will we ever be satisfied with the outcome? I doubt it. All we can do is accept that we have done the best that we can do and move on...if possible.

Hang in there Michelle - you know you have friends out here.

Kathryn Magendie said...

oh my friend - I send you serenity from my mountain cove -it holds magic you know

Lisa said...

sounds like we are all doing the same thing at the moment- processing life thus far xx

Marie S said...

I love you!
You are worth it!
You are magnificent!
I am so grateful I know you!
Lucky me!!

Gloria said...

Your poem touched me, deeply. God, I know how it feels to have less than adequate parenting but you know, there comes a time when we have to give to ourselves what we wished we had gotten from our parents. I'm getting supergood at doing that! I believe that when we are children we have no control over our lives but as adults we do but sometimes it's easy to keep doing to ourselves that which our parents inflicted on us then.

I struggle too. It's hard. I know.

nollyposh said...

It seems to me that you've ~Grown~ <3

christopher said...

Inside Work

If your troubles were
a dragon then I could ride
out to her lair, shout
epithets, draw her
to me and slay her forthwith!

If they were weedy
tangles, or briars
I would get my garden tools
and cut them out now!

I would demolish
the jail, tear your cell apart.

But this inside work,
it goes beyond reach.

Michelle said...

That's the bastard isn't it Christopher :)