bathtime...

AWWWWWW.......














MR bighead

phew!

What a bloody stinker of a day!

And I live on a hill with a seabreeze!

Poor little guy pup has been a bit dazed...so funny, swims in his water bowl!

So we put some water in the bath and let him go for it....he loved it but tries to dig it out

So begins a life long love of water...typical gundog!

It will be fun when he's had his next shots and we can go play down the waterfront in the sand

Well, yesterday was done....

I knew exactly when because I felt darlin's anguish in the middle of Coles......awful

Being connected to someone like that can be painful....

Poor darlin, poor Matt, poor me, poor bloody Cassa....at least she didn't have to know about it.

He is going to go away for a couple of days he tells me.

Hmmm

I guess he will get to it sooner or later, the fact that it had to be done I mean

I am trying very hard not to feel guilty but it creeps in anyway

Sigh

have had a nice, albeit stinking hot, day at home with my babies

I am actually quite enjoying them lately

Shelli is a bit more approachable these days and Kayla is always a delight

Such a nice girl that one.

I am in town tomorrow for follow up appt with gynedoc and then must go have an x-ray on a strange lump on my chest that seems to have appeared just recently...the doc isnt telling me anything but I am a bit concerned....it seems to be a top rib that is 'swollen' for no reason....better not be anything crappy or I may just quit! I am pretty damn sure it wasn't there a week ago....whats the friggen story here...am falling to bits

Darlin does not know about this as he was too dog/self involved for me to be bothered telling him

That feels a bit yuk

In fact no one knows except me, and now you.

Everyone has too much on their plates just now for me to add another serving...tell you what though, I need two hands to hold mine....

xxxx

and so

I am going home soon to clean up puppy mess, kid mess, my mess and mess in general

I may sleep too as puppy decided last night was a good time to start whinging

Of course I didnt put him in with me to shut him up

Really........hmmmm

update...

Been to see psych with babyshell

Starting on Lovan tomorrow

He thinks she could use the help

but that she is also strong as well

We will try it and see how it goes

Poor mum of me is a bit down

but she will come good cause she is one tough lady, she just keeps forgetting

I am gratitude for being able to be here for those who need me to be

really I am

I am gratitude for feeling love for mine in spite of all the crap in the past

I am gratitude for baby girls who seem lighter and are talking more even though they think nothing will help them. Obviously on some level she believes something just might....

I am in gratitude for new puppies who do every single wee on the paper today!

so clever

I am not in gratitude for mums 60th birthday celebrations falling on the same night as Renata's cottage do!

How to be 2 places at once???


xxx

cute....

Life is funny...not haha

Birthday went well

Puppy is a hit and did not wake me up once during the night...sooo cute

Unfortunatly hospital visit with parent was a bit depressing

CEA levels are at 20...which is up not down

Only a bit but still....the other direction would have been nice

Its so hard to understand all of this medical crap and noone tells you anything

I will get to investigation but right now I am disappointed.....more so because now mum is depressed again

I wish she would get a new attitude for herself

Defeatist she is and it can't be good

Or maybe she is realistic and I am not??

Whatever, I will see

poo

But wait....

There is always more!

Tomorrow is my baby's 15th birthday

Tomorrow we pick up our new puppypeemachine

I have been and seen my tenant, the newsagent, in order to procure many newspapers for free for the next few weeks

Not that I will need them as MY puppy will only pee in the designated spot and has been doing so since birth......snort

Had counseller appointment with baby today

She needs to see a psychiatrist on Friday to be assessed for medication

She (the psychologist) believes that this may help to lift her mood and help her to focus so that the actual counselling may do some actual good

I dont know how I feel about that but am willing, at this point, to go with the flow, and my gut...

Speaking of guts, mine feels much better tonight thank fark

No longer paining when I breathe

Excellent indeed

Will go to quack tomorrow anyway, just in case

Full day ahead

Mum to hospital for oncology appointment, which has her terrified today, I am feeling rather ambivelant so I hope thats a good gut thing

Then mum to hairdressers for some beautifying while I run around like headless chook to get cake, pup food and various other sundries like birthday candles (where do they all go in between birthdays??)

Then to pick up puppy and go home for pee wiping and birthday KFC dinners and cakes etc

My big baby has driven up again tonight for tomorrow and I am grateful for nuns in training today for sure

Im sure I have forgotten something here but I will definately not be having time for coffee regardless

I may have time on Monday though if I am lucky, when I come in to have follow up appointment from hysteroscopy

Frikken hospitals

I am very over them

But grateful too

argh

xxxx

quite a lot later....

I am okay

full of wind and poo

but abdominal xray didnt pick up anything serious

so.....how to make myself fart alot without actually inducing horrible pain??

hmmmmm

very tired now


zzzzzzzzzzz

Argh...

Took the girls to meet the puppy today

They are in love

That was the nice bit of the day

The rest sucks

Darlin has taken his dog and left the building

Not sure when he'll be back he says

I am emotionally unavailable

and to top it all off

I have to go to the hospital tonight as I have pain and bloating and need to checked out re colonoscopy.....grrrrr

Was up at 2am in excrutiating agony and it hasn't completely gone away so they want me to be seen toinght 'just in case"......

in case what???

some idiot perforated my farking bowel????

I probably just need to fart and doing a giant poo would be useful...seeings as I haven't since then

sorry for that info overdose

anyway...going to drop girls at mums and do the bloody do

I just want to go to bed

frik

xx

Poor little brother is going to drive me in

All done

I'd tell you all about it except I dont remember a thing

My bowel is lovely and clear of gremlins

I will never do that again unless they invent something a bit less horrible to prepare you for it

That was truelly disgusting

Imagine having to drink a whole bucket full of seawater with a bit of lemon squeezed in

Blerk

I have a day off tomorrow so bonus score!

I am having my hair coloured because the grey is very prominent again

I will not be an old lady

No no no

xx

yuk

This poo stuff tastes awful!!

Makes me want to vomit and Ive got 2 and a half litres to go.....

And I started late due to having to drive daughter into town after she missed her bus ....

Erk

poo

Yep poo again

Am in the orifice and the sun is shining and its not shining on me

I am going to close for lunch today and go sit in the park or something like that

Too much orifice is detrimental to my health

I am no longer a ferocious coffee drinker did I tell you??

2 half strengths in the morning then its tea for me, herbal and real tea

I am too good

Since I told the anxiety I will no longer tolerate being debilitated by it it has been ok

There have been moments of course, and the first few days were a bit hairy but all in all I feel okay

and when I dont I am no longer fearful of a valium addiction, thats what its there for after all

I have noticed that it is worse when I have to drive anywhere further than up the road but am working on that

I will NOT be housebound because of a chemical imbalance that I created

I am UN creating it !!!

Once in a lifetime is more than enough times for fear to do me in

I am MUCH stronger than that

I just need to remind myself regularily

Hrmph

Appointment with child psychology people tomorrow arvo

Colonoscopy on Thursday

Wednesday is for pooing in preperation for Thursday

how nice

I am so looking forward to it and am so pleased they will drug me stupid in order not to remember it too

I am getting a puppy did you know

so exciting for me and the girls

but not for darlin

no

oh dear

did you know that since Josh went I have much more money??

It has taken me 2 weeks to notice that Coles is no longer eating my whole bank account each week...

Interesting

xxx

Deepest poo

Yes

I am in it

I have cleaned Shelli's room

and am the worst mother in the world

sob

That was her

I am celebrating 3 and a half garbage bags worth of rubbish, and I mean rubbish, removal.

Why would she cry for the loss of 15 empty hairspray cans???

And 25000 empty lolly wrappers??

And she will soon 'fix' it up again I am sure

I want my puppy NOW....grrrr

Introducing.....

Chandii

short for Chanandler Bong according to my girls

hrmphh

he is costing an arm and a leg I might add but I don't care

I might when they cut the power off or something

he is just the cutest thing you ever saw and if he doesn't inspire some happy stuff around here I don't know what will

But we can't have him for 2 more weeks

grrrrr

he is a lovely healthy cheeky little thing and I have been and purchased a puppy pee pad today

I will wait for the girls to get the rest of the puppy paraphanalia

Practical aren't I

hehehe

and I am all by myself tonight

no kids

no darlin

what on earth will I do?

Its vewy vewy qwiet awound here.....

shhhhhh

I have lit some incense and am listening to music

I will cook me something nice to eat and scoff the whole box of tim tam cornettos if I please

I will read my book

and tommorrow I shaall wash sheets because I have declared it a sunny weekend and that is that

I feel pretty good and smell like puppy

Valium is still my friend but thats okay

I can live with it

xxxxx

too weird

How about this

Friday morning I was woken by a dream

I dont remember it all just that at the end of it my mother was bleeding inside her head

Woke me straight up and goosed me a bit

So, she comes into the orifice later that morning and her eye is FULL OF BLOOD!

One of those bloody heamorrage things but looked terrible

Scared the crap out of me, well, certainly spooked me a little

Ok, so now I know I am not so disconnected as I have been feeling anyway.

frik

too cute

Too cute

I have found a puppy!

Or maybe he has found us

Must go meet him tomorrow

He is black and a boy

must be a cottage thing?

Grumblebum

That is me

a grumblebum extraordinnaire

Today my mission is to clean the filthy orifice and the putrid car

This weekend my mission is to get some sunshine (please) and to clean the filthy stinking putrid mess that is my daughters room

If your bedroom reflects your state of mind then she is certainly in need of a polish

But we know that already do we not

I am on the hunt for a Cocker Spaniel puppy

If you know of any please let me know

I think a bundle of licky love is just what my house needs at the moment

I will not remember puppy pee and chewed knickers at this stage!

I am demanding of the universe a break here

Some light in the tunnel RIGHT NOW please

Operation 'enoughisenough' is well underway

Now, how to make daughter play.......?

xxx

Happy now???

Bossy boots.......

grumble bitch moan

grateful

I am remembering to be grateful

I am grateful for darlin who is here for me even when I am a nasty boring cow

I am grateful for the knowledge that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel

I am grateful for the 'fuckedintheheadness' that I have lived through so that I know my kids will too

I am grateful that my rotten son is safe in Germany having fun and growling at me for worrying about him

I am grateful for B17 that gives one hope even if one does not know what to do with hope yet

I am grateful for sisters and daughters who come to help when needed

I am grateful to friends who care

I am grateful for my own self and my ability to see what needs to be done eventually

That will do for today

I cant quite be grateful to the orifice for anything but I will work on it

I am grateful for a warped sense of humour too

Hard work that!

organised as possible

Well, I am organised for battle

GP appointment tomorrow arvo for baby girl

Urgent appointment with Adolescent MHU for next Tuesday already sorted

Spoken to school, not that that was much use.....

Armed for action in as far as one can be

I also have my colonoscopy next Thursday so that will be fun

Daughter nun coming next week to run interference with the troops

Operation 'enough is enough' is underway

Frik

xx

My baby has scars all up her arm

How did I miss that?

Time for action

finally

The gods have a strange sense of humour I think

Fuck the stupid drugs

I need my head on straight

grrrrrrrrr

aaarrrggghhhh

I am back

in the box

aarrgghhh

at least its not raining I spose.....

I am stopping Lexapro as my quack says 12 days is long enough to know its not for me and one of the side effects can be rapid heartbeat which I have certainly had

So I am relieved of that

but now what??

Back to try Zoloft again....

if I bother

I will see how I feel over the next few days

Frikken shit drugs

Valium is my friend!

For a little while anyway

sigh

yawn....

Goodness

I have been asleep on and off all day

I am feeling a bit feeble but have no pain and I was bleeding more when I went in than I am now

excellent

Funny thing though

They said they saw no sign of any fibroids when we know damn well there are at least 4 there so they must be on the outside

hmmmm

got to go see about that in a few weeks

anyway

I am still sleepy

Sister and mother are running the orifice and figuring it all out so I didnt leave them in too much of a mess

dont really care if i did actually

:D

alive and kicking

Yes

I am home

and have survived

and not particularily sore

except for where they couldnt get the canula in

on both hands

and popped my vein

so had to use arm instead

yawn

see ya

xxx

awake

Been awake since 4.30

but went to bed at 7.30 and actually slept for a change so thats ok

Have had time for some coffee before fasting begins so excellent I think

The birds are singing and kookaburras are very loud!

Am being scraped and prodded and stuff this afternoon

aarrgghh

Its only LITTLE surgery I must remember....

Though I do wonder exactly how many people will be peering up my bits......

oh dear

xxx

wobbly week

Yes, its been a wobbly week

I think I have survived it

Ended up at the hospital on Sunday getting tested for cardiac crap after experiencing disgusting palpitations for hours on Sat night and Sunday morning

But all was well.

I think it was just the medication making things worse before they get better (I farking hope)

Been okay since, if a bit wobbly

My girls are a worry

Kayla had her first appointment with the psychologist yesterday and has agreed to go back for a few more. She is in need of some help and is a bit of a worry ...how did I miss this?

Shelli has been a worry for the last few years and I am thinking she suffers from depression...it appears to be a family trait but getting her to see someone is going to be a strategic intrigue. She did talk to the doctor so there is hope.

My poor babies

My poor me

But we will get through it..at least we are doing sommething and are aware....most important things at this point.

Going in for little surgery tomorrow

Sister arrives today

I wonder if she knows she is the messiah this week???

Son is having a lovely time and cant figure out why Germany has so many festivals...been to 4 this week alone! But he is happy and settling in and really likes his "family" over there. Probably more than this one here for now :)

Mother is unaware that she is exhibiting more energy but I know....she has been taking more of her supps (like I have been asking her to do for months) finally and I can see the difference even if she cant. And a bit of hope is creeping into her vocabulary which is good. I think.....

That is all for now.....might do some more later. I will say that when I am not having hours of palpitations I am actually feeling a bit better in myself...so I am sticking with the meds and seeing how things go. This because I am BRAVE and of course, DESPERATE......

My landlady is here talking to darlin....she is making my backyard lovely. Shame she cant do it from a distance

Ungrateful bitch am I....

xxx