Tomorrow......

Today is the day before September.......

ummmmmm....yeah

Tomorrow the business is ours no more.....

Tomorrow is also the day we are doing the last month end......argh

Tomorrow is Tuesday and I gave up smoking on Tuesday 3 weeks ago!

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life!

3 more sleeps til Thursday......OMG

I'm going away this weekend.....

I plan on having fun....

yay :)

Parental warning !!!!!!!!

If you let your kid go to Europe, this is what they will get up to!!

arghhhhh

Aussies have strange accents.....

My son is home......!!!!!!!

He grew about a foot taller I think....what do they feed 'em in Germany?

My food bill just went up by 100%....

Other exciting news?

As of next Tuesday I will only be spending 25 hours a week in this hell hole!!!!

AND I will be paid for it!!!!!!!

WOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I like that a lot!

Oh yessssssssss.......

*cha cha's out of the room*

Life be like that.......

This could possibly be the most boring post ever......

I feel a bit better tonight, I went to the doctors and my chest is okay, but my throat is a little red and my temperature is up.......still not worth an antibiotic. Manuka honey is doing the job, and about 20 gallons of water, and various Vitamin stuffs I guess. Anyway, I am tired tonight but better than last night for sure ........this makes me happy, I have some plans for the next little while and they do not include me being sick at all.

My befri is coming for lunch tomorrow she assures me....I will believe this when I am touching her.....the universe has conspired to keep me alone recently I feel. Well, physically anyway. I know I am not alone in reality.....

My silly son will be home tomorrow......well, all going according to plan

and we shouldn't make them now should we....not this bloody year

I spoke to people about mum today......

I don't like what I hear, what I know....but what I like means fuck all really. It's going to happen anyway....sooner rather than later by the looks of things.

I am praying hard for Renee and her family today.........

1000 posts....and I missed it

Five days ago was my 1000th post!

And I didn't even realise........oh dear

One thousand and five posts now.....I never thought I had that much to say

Just lately I haven't had a great deal to say I know, aside from whinging and moaning and stuff, but sometimes that's what life is....HARD.

My son should be winging his way home as I type this......had no phone calls through the night to tell me otherwise, and he assured me he would be at the airport 5 hours early :)

Yesterday I was feeling very much like I was getting sick, so I have been dosing myself up on Vitamin C and Manuka honey and apple cider vinegar, not to mention having 8 hours sleep last night, and tonight too hopefully.........I will not get sick! I am perfectly healthy!

Anyway, that is all for my boring self this morning.....maybe something interesting will happen today.......

Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....

Just to keep the stress levels low my son decided to miss his flight home.....

yep

....he missed it!

So, yeah, I've been up half the night fielding phone calls and calming silly boys down and purchasing new tickets for new flight so son will now be home on Friday morning.....

I think a cold would like to get me but I wont give that any more energy....NO WAY!
I didn't make it all the way to spring to get sprung with a snotty nose now!

15 days people....won't mention it again till it's 3 weeks okay :)

I am a tenant letter today, this is very complicated due to the fact that I keep stuffing it up.....

sigh

Ummmmm....now what?

Ohhhhhhhh..............

I am exhausted.............

still

45,000,000 envelopes have been stuffed with new agreements and suitable please please please sign this yesterday type letters.......

Only 70,000,000 tenant threats/letters to go.......'Dear tenant, Just because we have a new name doesn't mean I'm not still on your raggedy ass.........type thing.

I have not had a ciggie for two whole weeks people......I AM NOW OFFICIALLY A HERO IN MY OWN EYES! (hmmmmm, didn,t mean to caps that but I will leave it.....)

I don't think I am meant to be skinny....will work on accepting this and loving my wobbly self, sigh

My son comes home from Germany TOMORROW! How excitement, I think :)

Better get some ice cream and chocolate in the fridge........

My aunty and cousin come for a visit on Thursdsay, for 4 days......

Next week I have a visitor coming too.....I am looking forward to that. Am also looking forward to a few days off......did you know that the other lady from the other agent, who should be being me next week is now in hospital with pnuemonia and not due back at work till the 13th???? This would throw some people into a frenzy of OMG"S!!!! what about my weekend off type stuff wouldn't it.....not me. Nope. I cooly and calmly told them I didn't care if they all died from the plague I will not be here for those 3 days......full farking stop. And if and when they decide to discuss my pay and days to work and stuff with me before next Tuesday I will tell them if they don't like it they can sack me :) hee heeeeeee...pleaaaaaase sack me!

Yeah, I'm a bit manic, slightly nuts......it's a big week and I am a bit tired

My mother won't eat.......she's gone off alcohol too....I don't like this much. That feels a little too soon for my liking.

A lot too soon actually.

Life is about to explode......it's eerily quiet here in the bubble

hrmph!

Have just spoken to ex regarding cardboard slop and it will be taken care of.....I think he thinks he will be doing me a favour though. Little does he know that I was going to put it all in his kiln that better be gone by the end of next week!!!!!

He would also like to mow my lawn, but couldn't understand why I would now need to pay him for that........I like to owe nothing here, too messy otherwise. Erk

I am now on day13 of no cigs and it is much easier than day 7......this is good. Very damn good. As for the mind games I could play with myself, well, lets just say I know me well and we are not going there. Cigs now live with the bottle and other such temptations, in the land of never never......

I love that all my 'boyfriends' on here came to be kicked! Was so cute....I love you guys. You crack me up.

I am very busy getting landlords letters done today....writing writing writing...posting sorting swearing a bit etc

Am very busy getting ready for the end of the LAST damn month of this office in this name in this responsibilty factor...woo hoooooo

Am going away at the end of next week for a few days......that is HUGE!

sigh

Bring it on I said.....

and they did

oh, yes, they did

*grin*

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrsnarl

What is it with men???

I have an ex who, 6 months ago, decided to help out by ripping up and piling up 400000000 boxes from the garage for me, in order to get rid of them...all well and good yes????

NO.

Not when I have just discovered them all piled up in my side passage, very neatly and nicely, sixty five boxes slimed into a congealed mess that I now have to pick up and try to stuff into bags so I can get rid of it....GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

The other ex (of the husband variety) has owed me $50 for the last 5 months but decided to take all and sundry to the footy last night...bet that cost more than $50......

I have just steam cleaned all the carpet in my house, scrubbed 6 months of Shelli off Joshua's walls and washed 14000000000 sheets....my arms hurt and now I'm trying to make them work long enough to scrape up 20 kilos of slimed box into the ONE farking bin bag I seem to have left in this house.....before going over to my mothers and cooking a roast somehow.....hopefully she has put it in the oven or it could be a looooooooooooong night.

AND

I just realised that I have been paid a whopping great $26 this month in Child Support!

Now I can go get me some food and clothes for my kids!

(Pft.....if I had been relying on Child Support to feed my kids they would have starved years ago.....)

Grrrrrrrrrr

whinge bitch moan

I have also discovered that I USED to really enjoy that fag I had in between doing housework stuff..........

12 smoke free days

I may go kill someone now

Preferably a male......

No, not YOU :)

Just for me...

sunshine
hurts my eyes today
been dim in this room
for a while,

I saw you smile

with that big surprise
that grabs you
when you see something
beautiful

breath caught
there,
in your truth

I saw you
peeking out
from behind that cloud
shining

just for me

OH WOW!!!!!!!!

Look what I won!

Isn't it gorgeous!!!

It is the Renee Bracelet!!!!

And it is made with a special intention that I am more than willing to hold .......this bracelet was made by the lovely Marie.......go check out her blog and her beautiful creativity. To read about the meaning behind this bracelet go here...

I will be back later.........

ho hum and I'm excited....a slightly schizo post

I'd love to enthrall you with a witty tale of what's going on in my life right now

Because in my head it's all very exciting

In my physical existance however, I am bored shitless this week

Stuck in the middle of this and that, that'd be where I am

waiting

waiting

waiting

For someone to come along and tell me what to do here in the orifice and maybe pay me some money or something

For someone to come along and hold my damned hand here

For me to get a move on and something or other

You see my dilemma?

Never mind that I am going out of my head here....

no no, never mind that

:0)

In real life? Got a call from little brother last night, mum was in a great deal of pain .....had to go drug her to the gills so she got some relief and sit and yak for a while about all the things that need sorting......she is 'at' sorting now. She knows, as I know......nothing gets said in words really, but it's there none the less......

Spring seems to be sprung a little early here

Having some lovely weather considering I should be freezing my bum off

Am a bit fitter than I was a couple of weeks ago, not too much, but certainly a bit

Haven't had a ciggie for 9 days now.....not even a puff

Am counting down the next two weeks, holding my breath, remembering to breathe, holding my breath..........sigh

Energetically I am walking a fine line, I am not here in 'this' world, not very often just lately. It's a little disconcerting and that's okay, I figure it will get easier with practise.....I am growing. I feel very very 'stretchy' just lately. Someone will know what I mean here...or not. Matters not. I am anyway.

I suppose I'd better go pretend to do something....I don't know why actually, no one is looking are they? Maybe I will read my book then, or I suppose I could do filing or something. I just have no enthusiasm for it, any of it......well, maybe the book. Maybe I will shut the damn door and go walk in the park for a little while........recharge, say hi to a tree......

yeah, think I'll do that......

nothing

silence
surrounds
only a hum
permeates
my existence
I float here
aware

all

nothing

you

I

am

drivel......

According to facebook quiz number 456355 I am only a little bit feminine!

Apparently this is because I own my own hammer and don't jump on chairs when a bug is in the room .....

According to my friend if Facebook could see my hair it would score me differently???
Big Curly hair makes me feminine? I am so confused....

Lisa's foot has been unscrewed by Sam

John may have left the planet with a set of spoons

Cyndi can sleep now even while working night shift

I am officially mental

Facebook is very informative and blog land is weird sometimes :)

Other news?

Contracts exchanged on the business today!

This was a relief and sad at the same time

I ate 12 enormous oysters for lunch......

I have not had a cigarette all week, nope, not even a puff......and contrary to the illustration above, I feel okay.

It is 17 days till the 3rd of September

Ummmmm

There was other stuff but I have forgotten it now.....

Oh dear

Alzheimers has set in

Must be the hair.....

oh yeah.....

on days like this
where I try so hard
that's when I need you
kick my arse
remind me
it isn't meant to be
complicated
to take a breath
let the world go by
that my place here
is only to do this day
let the days
of others
do what they will
yeah
on days like this
somebody kick me

and in time
when I say to you
you hurt me so, that day
I will try to remember
that I asked you to

Ummmmm.......

Through the veil........

Sometimes I just open this post box and have no idea what I want to say

Today is one of those days.....

The business will be signed, sealed and delivered on Monday.....

That is cool

My heart is full today

My head is reasonably empty

Peaceful in there right now....

My mum is not well, she says she just doesn't feel 'right'. I think she may need another blood test, and maybe some more blood. Will see how she feels by Monday. She doesn't want to eat.

She hasn't been 'right' since she was so sick after the last chemo. They say it takes a couple of months to get over the chemo, but I suspect it is more than that.
I suspect her continued nausea and greater fatigue are due to her liver, but I will say nothing, because to tell her that may well make it true.....energy is like that isn't it.
I think she is sicker now than she was on chemo.
I think she is not going to feel much better than this. I very much hope I am very wrong!

I am soooooo glad the business is done......and we are sorting out power of attorney next week too, I hope.

Because life can throw you curve balls, and it is best to have a glove on.

My son comes home in 11 days. I hope he doesn't disrupt this fragile peace we have here.....that may sound awful but you take what you can get sometimes. I want him to just slide right in, but that's not really fair is it, he will adjust, as will we, I am just a bit sick of adjusting on a daily basis sometimes.

In a perfect world it would all be shiny and everyone would be doing what they needed to and I would know what may happen in a month's time......but you know, the world isn't 'perfect' in that way....yet it is anyway. It all is what it is.
Accepting that is the key now isn't it. I will work on that over the next little while.........some more.
Because I get frightened you know, of what may happen to them all. I know I will be okay, but what about everyone else?
Then I have to think, well, we all grow at our own pace, and all I can do is show them how I do it, it is up to them to notice and maybe follow that or devise their own ways of dealing. I just trust that it is all for a reason, and that even though I don't always see it, the reason is still there. And then I place a bit of pressure on myself, to be the damn martyr and stuff, but not really, it may look that way to some, but I actually am a strong person, I have learned this stuff it seems, and I do let fly when I need to.
And I still can't help but feel that it all as it should be, even though a lot of it is so obviously wrong.....if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I must have had something to say after all.......hope it made sense.

I feel better now :)

You have a nice weekend people.

Take nothing for granted!

And smile!

argh........

I took Shelli to counseling last night and the lovely angel Kerry gave me a hypno session to aid with the no smoking......

So, she 'plants' a suggestion that any cigarette I smoke will taste and smell like tripe and anchovies, ewwwwwwwwwww :)

Trouble is that on this low carb thing I am STARVING today

and every time I think of a ciggie my mouth starts watering....is too fucking funny!!!!

Somebody save meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I'm going to eat some chocolate......tomorrow is soon enough for torture

things in nutshells.....

my old man
sits
and drinks
because he is my old man
and he loved once
and again,
found it wasn't what he'd dreamed
so my old man
sits and dreams
of the dreams
he cant remember anymore

when he writes
he writes his empty
and dreams of it
being full again

when he paints
there is no colour these days
just a dry palette
a hairless brush
scratching across a life
of wasted time...
that's what he paints
my old man

he asks me if
I ever feel like I don't belong
I shake my head,
'you know I'm you old man
with my dream still shining
and my canvas is blue
and you put me there
in a poem you wrote me
my old man
when you loved me'


my old man is a cynic
he laughs a tear or two
from time to time
and he sits
and he drinks
'cause he likes it
and he doesn't see
that he's drinking me too
and all the time
we never had
in that bottle
he says he'll die soon
my old man


he thinks
he never achieved anything


what does that make me then?

Hmmmm.....

You ever wonder about the line between fantasy and reality?

I guess I've had occasion to wonder about that recently and I'm still not sure about it all.

When does following your heart or your 'gut' become less important than the so called 'really important' things in life?

What is the actual really important thing in life?

Is it the house, the car, the job, the clothes, the 'image'......

.....or is it the feeling? The bit that gets your blood going? The stuff that keeps you dreaming and hoping and looking for what makes you tick?

I suppose there should be a balance in there somewhere, but it never quite seems to work like that does it? Not in my life anyway, not so far......

Mind you, there has so rarely been balance in my life that I probably wouldn't know it if it came up and bit me on the arse......which it couldn't miss (see post below :)

But if I were to choose the really important thing right now? Given that I don't have any major money, I have a job and will even be getting paid for it soon, I have just been through the most horrendous year of my life thus far, my kids and I aren't out of it yet either, my mother is going to die soon and I will be here till she does and then I don't know....

Given all that, plus the broken relationship, the child who has come through her own hell and still wobbles on the edge there, the other children who are doing their best to cope in all this crap, the little brother who doesn't know which way to turn....all that stuff

Given all of that, what do I think is important?

Actually, I'm pretty sure it is following your heart and hoping for the good stuff. Because you never know what crap life is going to throw into the 'balance' now do you. And a house is just a house, a job is just a job but living should be more than just existing in a bubble, however pretty it is.

Hmmmmmm......

What do you think?

ahem!

I be told by people that I should just be myself.....

What if myself feels more comfortable a few kilos lighter and a bit less wobbly hmmmm....then to make an effort to get myself back to feeling like myself would be a sensible thing wouldn't it.

So, I am okay, I am not being silly, why should I walk around feeling frumpy just because you are happy with myself? I dont really mind if I don't do it, but getting a bit fitter and feeling a bit better can only be a good thing? Can't it? If it is for MY SELF?

Besides which people, knowing myself, I will last about a week then go have a chocolate fest...and that will be okay too

Bosh.....

I am also, after a couple of weeks of being extremely guilt ridden, back off the fags, so any old distraction is a good one.....next you hear of this will be when I have at least a week or two up.....

So, there you go......

Never said I was perfect did I.

Did you know.....

....that a 15 minute fast walk on maximum incline whilst doing a walking half squat intermittently HURTS?

...that people who have had hysterectomies in the last 6 months should remember this and squat or not accordingly?

Neither did I till this morning.....groannnnnnnn

.....that low carbs for a few days will kick start your metabolism so it eats your body fat for you?

But you will get hungry and eating 140 boiled eggs will not make you UN hungry :)

.....televisions can be working fine one night and then just not turn on the next?

.....that sons who come home from Germany soon will cause computer issues in this house

.....that Mondays at the office are not looked forward to at all

....that I am tired damnit

.....that it's only 3 weeks till September?

woohoooooooo

Into the empty.....

when I cried out once
into the empty
you heard, you brushed my hair
back from my face
with a shaking brittle finger

I see you sit, your aching head
resting on your hand
heart right there, in your eyes
and all I want to do
is touch your smile

I will, tomorrow
when the world becomes real
and a new place is born
out where the fence
was falling down

La de da de dah....

You all feel that change in the 'air'?????

woo hoo

Finally.....

If you don't feel it then never mind, you will

I am happy today....

Don't ask me why, if I tell you I might have to kill you or something, but I am.......oh yes, she is

It's cold here today!

Brrrrrrr

Yesterday afternoon I spoke to mum's care co ordinator and she says that her CEA's are actually down by half what they were last time, so what that means is really anybodies guess, maybe the liver stuff is lung not colon, maybe the chemo worked there too, maybe maybe maybe.....

But really, the lung tumors shrank, her liver function is still good, she will start to feel a bit better after the chemo soonish, we can hopefully expect some time where she will feel better before she starts to feel bad again.......so, as far as that goes, I'm thinking those things are good. I would dearly love for her to have a little while where she felt okay. So would she.....

On my personal front......oh that's right, I'm not telling!

Snort....

I am looking forward to September.......the month of great change.

Bring it on!

Gratitude rules....

This is Bolly, he used to be our bestest dog.
He was also a nutcase....must be something to do with me...
that was not my spider web!
Well, maybe it was.....

Today I am just grateful.....

for whatever

whoever

whenever

The sun is shining, it's warm, almost, winter would seem to be over already pretty much

September is coming

The sale is moving along again

Mum is feeling okay, as opposed to 'like shit' today

I am still tired but not beside myself

I have friends who drive a long way to have lunch with me

Family who fly a long way to help me.....

Another who is flying a long long way to see me.....

A daughter who does her best to be here for me when I need her to be

Friends who leave lovely comments of support on here for me every day

I am loved....

I love....

Really and truly?

I am blessed, even in this mess.

Yep, I am....

If you're having a hard day today, remember that tomorrow will be different, it always is...

Always!

Update on life

Just briefly, because I am very tired......

There was ironic good news today, in that the chemo did indeed shrink the lung tumors....as it was hoped

The bad news is that there are now 8 lesions in her liver that weren't there in February

These are likely secondary colon cancers and as such, I don't know if they are treatable

Will know more on that tomorrow when the CEA markers come back

Other good news was that swollen left leg was not a clot, but is lymph related, most likely still related to the earlier bowel surgery where some lymph nodes were removed......or something, that's as good a guess by all concerned as anything at this stage...

So, we go back in a month, after she has some more recovery time from the chemo and stuff that's gone on in the last two weeks, and god knows what they will want to do, or what she will allow.....that would all depend, it'd have to be something pretty impressive promised to get her on chemo again I think....

On other fronts, the business sale that was all but wrapped up is far from it....the dickhead supposedly buying is being a pain in the arse and will soon be told to get stuffed if he doesn't watch it........another reason I have been so frustrated.

So, yeah.......I dunno........still

Wry smile.........

Looking Sheepish.....

I think I nicked this pic from Jac
but I wouldn't swear to it

God, sorry about that rant down there

I have had a very stressful couple of weeks here and things build up

Add to that a mother who is also stressed to the max and sick as well, and a bit nasty with it and you get me, going off my rocker....at least on here is safe and no one gets hurt!!!

But today is today and I'm not angry now, despite a travesty of crap unfolding left right and centre around me.......it actually got so bad it got funny, then it was okay.

Oh well.....

Tomorrow is the oncology appointment that will change it all again.....

sigh

Thank you to those who help keep me sane

Very much including this man, who has somehow turned into a true friend, all the way from the other side of the planet .......

Want to read something cool??

Go HERE

Maybe so....

I am upset

very upset

I am also angry

VERY angry

In fact, I am so angry I could vomit......

Being that I am very angry with my dying fucking parent maybe I should be feeling a little more reasonable.......

but you know what

Dying doesn't excuse some crap

It just doesn't!

Feeling the need to......

• move this body.....need to do some exercise and shake off (hah) some of this excess wobble
• eat some vegies......
• be a bit more present in my day, just lately I've been away with the fairies for any old reason, (yeah well, I have a lot to avoid or I'll go insane)
  
• get my house in order, half done....still more to go
• avoid my mother....she is driving me a little nuts with her bad mood, even though I KNOW she can't help it.....better to stay a little distant than have an argument...isn't it????
• buy a new fridge.....so I did........goodbye frozen lettuce!
• get off this peninsula......does doing the dentist count?? Oh god, that sounded a bit off......
• avoid thinking about Oncology appointments on Thursday
• or films that have shadows on bits that didn't have shadows on before
• take a deep breath before the end of this week comes and the next bit hits with full force
• re-evaluate what's important right now and why
• let go and let god.....
  

Monday on a Monday.....*grin*

This is my new bird......

She used to be a cat but as she has adopted all the little basket things on my verandah, after killing any plant life that may once have inhabited them, she is now officially a bird.....when she isn't a dog of course....

I have had a nice two days off. I have cleaned my pigsty house and done some jobs that have been nagging at me for a while now......others didn't get done but what can you do when you are only one person and there are too many jobs? At least I'm no longer ashamed of what someone may find if they looked under something around here........

Well, this is it...I expect big things of this week. By the end of it I hope to have an idea of what I'm doing for the next three months......this is a two edged sword but still.....forewarned is forearmed and all that stuff

Spring must be coming people..........pleaaaaaasseeeeee let it be coming.......though I really don't know why I'm whinging, this has been the shortest, mildest winter I can remember...or did I just miss half of it????


sigh.....

Sunrise was pretty this morning

Nothing amazing .......

I got a day off, that makes two in a row including tomorrow

I am cleaning several weeks worth of crap up.....yes, literally too, bloody animals

I am tired and exhausted and weary and over all things mum

But I will go on doing this because I can and she can't

and that's just the way it is right now

You know, I have some dreams here, and some of them are coming pretty close to being here

and some of them are impossible

but I have them anyway because you never know what will happen tomorrow do you?

Life can change irrevocably in an instant....

Seems to me that the more you learn to cope with change, the better, for everyone

My life has been a nightmare this week people, for one reason or another, as it seems to have been for some of my friends as well.

This coming week is going to be revelatory for me and mine, this week we find out the go with this cancer, we sell a business, we get to know what's what. It's all happening this week.

My son comes home from Germany at the end of this month, yes, it has been a YEAR since he left and things are only just changing now.....It's been a very long, very full of crap, very intense year. It's not over yet but you know what.....I don't care, this bit in particular is nearly done and whatever the results of this week, life will be different.

All I can say is thank god it's August because July sucked and that September is coming and with it, one of my things I look forward to.......a lot

More change for me.........

You know, when you feel like everything has closed in and there is no way out, there really always is, you just have to open your eyes and your heart and let it be...you just never know do you, what's behind that next door you open.....

Me, I intend to find out and it matters not if I am stuck here for now. It matters not if I don't see the end result, can't plan the next 5 minutes...all that stuff, because it will happen anyway, if I let it.

I believe that

Yes, I do....