Sunday sanity......

It is early on a Sunday morning here....

It is a little cool and wet and has been raining overnight.

The birds are singing, the house is asleep.

I have been awake for an hour or so and am still pretty tired.

I think yesterday burned me out a little, all that crazy energy and no where to put it.

I have some stuff to do and say today that has me a little spun.....

That's okay....at least it will be done and then I can stop stressing about it all.

That will be nice.

This week I have been very very aware of my head and my patterns and my very strong desire to escape my reality for a while. Because of this awareness, and because of my nature, as an addict, I have taken steps to keep me safe.

I can see these feelings only becoming stronger in the months to come, as life gets harder and mum gets sicker and whatever else happens ........so I got me back to a place where I know I can be safe.

Otherwise my head could use the excuse that I haven't been for so long, to let me go out and do something I may regret.

I am actually fairly pleased with me for being able to see this and to not let pride get in my way. To be able to do what might be needed for me one of these days, that has been needed this week. It just showed me that I can.

And maybe that was what I needed to know.

Regardless of anything else, I need to keep me and my kids safe.

It's all hard enough without me making it harder for myself.

I need to keep it real and I need to keep it in the day.

This day.

These things I must remember, even when I very much don't want to.

Even when.....

Going out of my house/mind

This afternoon I was feeling a bit manic and rather self destructive

I wanted to muck up and act out big time

By ten to four I was on a roll......somewhere

So, I jumped in the shower and got dressed

Hopped in the car and went awol

I had to leave the house and driving felt good, in fact I didn't want to stop

I wanted to drive and drive and drive until I got somewhere where I wasn't anymore

so

I went to two meetings tonight, back to back NA and AA

Now I remember ......

I also went to the beach and visited with a very large tree

I don't seem to be able to ground myself very well right now

tomorrow will be interesting

sigh

Saturday is.........the day before Sunday :D

Okay

A new day....

I am liking the treadmill and that dancing around really fast like a nut job is good for me.

I am not loving stomach crunches and am wondering if it REALLY hurts should I be doing it?

"Ohhhhhh, can you meet me half way, meet me half way...."

Am also loving that song right now.

I can do half way!

Curiouser and curiouser.........

I have had the funniest, strangest day

I don't know what the fuck is going on here but it is all a bit too weird for me

I am being driven here

I am in the drivers seat but my hands are definitely not on the wheel

Hmmm......

Hmmmmm again.

This morning I hand it all over yes?

All being various things but mostly one....

ThenI had a phone call this morning that made me quite happy, in a what am I , crazy??? kind of way.

We will see where that goes. I am not holding my breath however.

I finally got off my big butt and drove over to/from whoop whoop and had a lovely coffee and many cakes with my Natsy and her Mark, it's been far too long since that happened.

Then I went to the psychiatrist with my Shelli, who is cutting down meds and generally doing really well. This was a nice appointment and he was over the moon with her. That felt good.

I did boring stuff like visiting government departments and picking up school letters and so on.......

Then I had more coffee with my BFFFFFFF and HER Marc and was entertained by family squabbling and the war of the esky...I dunno who won

I also went to a Womens Meeting tonight, that was interesting, and insightful. I forgot how the 'madness' creeps up on you.....I also forgot how hard we can all be on ourselves. I sat there and listened to these women call themselves silly bitches and insane and other such stuff and you know what. I am not those things.

I refuse to call me them.

This reminded me of one of the reasons why I stopped going to meetings in the first place. The very labelling of oneself that makes these things so.....so I told them/me that I was actually a really fucking strong person who just needed a reminder of that thank you very much. I also told them that if they too, did what I did, which was pretty much just not pick up a drink or drug on a daily basis for a very long time that things would start to make sense to them too one day and their insanity would go up to a whole new level but that would be okay because they would be AWARE of it..........then I laughed a lot and thought about banging my head on the floor :)

Then I went with someone to a meditation group at this little church and was bored shitless for an hour or two. Was given totally conflicting spiritual messages .....by an old lady who wouldn't put her hearing aids in and who told me I wear a mask like in Phantom of the Opera and that I need to tell the truth????

WTF???? Helloooooooooooooo......what is it I am all about here?

Actually the meditation was nice but the arm flapping old ladies were a little too much. However, I chalked it up to the end of a big day and let them flap away.

Ahhhh gawd.

Then I drove the 45 minutes home and got the message I have been waiting for in an email from Nat.

Now I am wired and yet not.

Time will tell.....

I am going to bed.

I forgot to buy my fishing rod :(

Maybe on Sunday......

Hands up ...again

Okay universe...

I've said what I needed to say...

I've done and am doing what I need to do...

This wish I wish

it is always

my undoing

I will do me back up

and wait

to come undone

So be it.

What if?

Link

Do you think it ever really does get any better?

I have been struck by this horrible thought this evening.

What if this is it?

What if all the good stuff has already happened and now that I know what I know I will never ever be able to believe in anything again? What if I have turned into a cynic? What if I can't ever find love again?

What if I really am too weird and fucked up to ever find the relationship I would love to have?

What if no one ever 'see's' me again?

I know this is all a bit out there but seriously....what if?

I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone and struggling and never having someone around to touch my face or rub my neck or hold my hand.....

I do not want that.

But I want real.

Really real.

Do the two actually exist on the same plane?

What is it I am wanting?

I want to laugh, a lot.

I want to be held by one who means it.

I want to make love not have sex.

I want to be looked after when I need it.

I want to care for and be cared for.

I want to have fun and be serious.

I want to live a little.

I want a special song.

I want to dance with arms around me.

I am sick of death and dying.

Is that shocking?

Does that make me a hard arsed cow?

I think not.

I didn't get any great sign from the universe today.

I didn't actually expect one.

Or maybe I did.

Does a random line in an email saying 'It's a sign, Shell" count?

I just don't know anymore.

I do expect I will find love again one of these days.

Or it will find me.

Whatever.

I accept that I am alone. I accept it do you hear me!

I just don't fucking LIKE IT today!

Meanwhile, life and death goes on doesn't it.

I am sick of it all.

As my friend Christopher said today...

Here am I, Lord. Walk with me.

I know I am being irrational here.

I know it in my head, but my heart, my heart aches.

It hurts...

That's okay too.

Crabby's Patties and a little action.....puhleeze

This one is a princess.....

This one is the runt...we call him Runty....snort

Kittens are toooooo cute when they start roaming around and doing little tiny purrs

Oh god, another bloody day is here

Today I am challenging the universe!

I want some sort of sign that I am on the bloody right track.

Some sort of action.

Good stuff only need apply!

I am lonely.....full stop.

Too much cake?

I truly believe I am in the right place doing the right thing.

I just also believe that I need to be doing some more as well, some more that is about me and just me.

I believe this is necessary for two reasons, one, so that I don't end up carrying resentment about having to be doing all this, and two, because things rarely fall from the sky and just land in your lap.

Not in my world anyway.

My intuition is yelling at me about this.

Mind you I'm not all that sure I trust my gut very much these days, it seems to be leading me all over the shop at times.

It will all come together one of these days but there are steps that I have to take with my own two feet to bring it about.

Can't make a cake without buying the eggs and beating the mixture first.

Trouble with me is I like to make, bake, have and eat my cake all at once :)

sigh.....

Life is what I make it.....

My horse won the Melbourne Cup yesterday!

That made me a little tiny bit richer, because I don't bet much......still :)

I am enrolling in life drawing class today....woot!

I am feeling pretty good.

I am also in hurting in places I forgot I had muscles.....

Putting mum on the plane to Byron at 2.....

That is always like a little holiday sort of...

I wish I had some plans to do something but you know, who knows what will happen and I do have a painting to finish.

I think I will buy myself a new fishing rod this week too......

because I need to go fishing and I am perfectly capable of taking myself.

Note to self - Get back to work wench!

On revisiting self.....

Well, I did all that ........

It was interesting going back to a meeting after so long

Was truly good to see a few familiar faces

Daunting, as always, to see the many new faces, worn and fragile souls hoping for a better way

Daunting and sad, so sad to see them and know that only the very few will do the very hard yards and still be sitting there in 8 years time, a whole new person......

So yeah, I got to gratitude real fast and I certainly remembered who I was and who I choose not to be anymore and why.....that 5 minutes of oblivion I was starting to yearn for looks a bit different this this morning :)

Now, all I need to do is accept who I am now......

I can do that, I like her a lot!

Full moon ritual was beautiful and appropriate for me, as happens when I let myself be guided instead of running my own show.........my cottage ladies are my allies and my sisters and I love them.

Lots.

You know people, I am still feeling lonely, still a little afraid, but not alone.

Never alone.

Goodbye old, hello me........

I love this pic

She is me on my way THROUGH illusion

Thank you and goodbye

I have made a few tentative decisions over the last week or so.

I have decided that I am going to focus on me for a while, in as much as I can.

I am going to do an art class and draw some naked bodies....

I am going to find a dance or yoga or something class to help me get fit and learn my body from my own point of perspective.....

I am going to work on the things I don't like and CAN change about myself and learn to love me a bit more than I have been.

I am going to do this for ME.

I am going to take life as it comes and as it goes.

Tonight I am going to a meeting and to a full moon circle.....this feels like a good thing to me.

I need to remember where I came from and also where I am right now and then do me a little creating of where I want to be going to.....

I need to be letting go of some really old and some quite new crap

I need to feed my soul and care for my body

That is what I need and it is about time I got with the program before the universe dumps something even ruder on my head!

I know how it works....time to play the game and walk the talk Michelle

sigh

puff puff pant grunt wooooooooooooot......

(that is me kicking it on the treadmill)

still dancing.....

Dancing as fast as I can.......

Been listening to some really nice music and for a while there I was really sad.

So I put on some pumping music and I flogged myself on the treadmill. Twice.

Then I mowed the lawn, because I can and it needed it.

Then I painted some blue and saw that I need to paint my sad out......and that I am quite valid in my sadness and that it is okay for me to miss things I have never had as long as I am prepared to recognise and accept them when they come with another face in who ever's time they may choose come in.

I cried a little and then I danced.

Today I danced with myself and I was beautiful!

Jackson Browne's 'Sky Blue and Black' may have been written for me today.

What the hell have I been so worried about?

Trust Michelle, just trust, I hear them whisper.....

Go, do the things you must

Trust

All is as it must be

Breathing now......

inhale

exhale

chop wood

carry water

love your self

and don't forget to dance

A strange new world....

Well. It is now November. I am very glad that September and October are over.

They have been hard months for me. Lots of internal cleansing and rearranging.......erk

I have learned, however, that I am okay.

More than okay.

Why I suddenly felt so desperately needy I do not know!

God, I think I would have learned by now, that someone else is never going to be able to 'fix' me.

And that the occasional cuddle isn't worth a daily dose of bullshit from the wrong person.

Anyway, I think I feel a bit more myself now.....I bloody well hope so anyway.

I had a fun day yesterday at the jazz thingy. People are funny. Jazz is cool.

However, if I ever go out with a guy again who gropes me persistently and will not take no for an answer then I will be slapping face big time!

Take that for a given.

So, onwards!

Balance

Sometimes you just have to ask for what you want.

And sometimes you have to say no to what someone else wants.

Both of these things are okay..

Just add water.....

Am feeling a little pensive this morning

Yesterday turned into the month end from hell day and I was still at work after 7 pm.....worst thing about all that was it was MY mistake that made it bad. Ahhhh, shit do happen :)

I'm off to the jazz concert today, I hope it's a fun day. I could use a fun day.

So, pensive yes?

I am in this place where I am expecting nothing much. I find it a little weird to just be going with the flow and seeing where it leads without having a preconceived notion of what it all might look like later on. It actually doesn't even matter about later on.

Today is what matters right now.

So, I guess I am back in my slightly detached observers box, which is fine by me, as long as I get to laugh a little.

I know what I mean.....

I have been a bit too busy for my liking this week and I am behind on my bloggy stuff. If I haven't been to see you ....well, I will get there eventually.

Meanwhile, I'm off to pack a picnic!

Woot!

On setting boundaries....

Artist: Kathy Hare

It's been an interesting week

One in which I have been exploring my boundaries I guess

Having a little think about where I will and won't go in regards to 'love', sex, relationships....that stuff

Pondering the things I want out of life

A point that I have gotten to in all this self exploration I have been forced into this past couple of months?

Well the point is that I am willing to go put myself out there, I am willing to try a new thing and yeah, I am willing to be up front and honest.

What I will not do is fall down for anyone.

I will not put my self in a space I don't feel safe in.

I will not feel less than anyone because they know more than me and I will NOT settle for less, full stop.

So, that should make life interesting shouldn't it

:D

Why not say yes and other unrelated things....

Oh my god, I am a zombie!

Been up half the night and after a few late nights this week I am now whacked....

And now I have to go sit in the hairdressers for hours and get coloured :(

On a bright note, I am going out this weekend

To a Jazz Festival!

I might like that a lot.

I am also having lunch with my befri today....

The sun is not shining but I have hopes for it yet....

Life is interesting this week....

and I am tired, boring and did I say tired?

yawnnnnnnnn

Revisiting ......

sometimes
the rain on my face
reminds me of you
and all the tears I never cried
only to be blown away in a fragment
of a convoluted prayer
that someone else was praying


and I wonder
just how much
of me got caught up in you
and what it was you wanted
when you said it was me
what you did when I went away
and left you there


the rain falls gently on my face
washing you away
giving me back
to myself
free
to give myself again
and pray my own prayer

Looking out my window.....

Somebody once went to the trouble of finding me this little image, that was a nice thing.
I dunno what happened to him just lately though.
I guess it matters not.

God, I am getting a bit over this really working caper :)

Did you see the lovely Renee put my art on her blog???

This made me smile....

I am having a rather contemplative week this week, in that I seem to be forced to look at stuff with brutal honesty, and that's okay I suppose.

I always get what I ask for don't I???

Except for maybe one thing just lately but I am accepting the possibility that this was not going to be for my highest good...but damn I wanted it .....sigh.

Oh well......I will pick me back up and walk on, what choice do I have???

None really. I just like to fight it at times, this what's good for me stuff.

I have been offered a ride on a very nice motor bike that I have accepted for some time soon!

How cool will that be! Woooooh!

The world is a funny place people, and I have decided that I will just do what's in front of me, go with my gut feelings and get myself out there.......life is too short to worry about how big your arse is and other such trivia. I figure (and yes, I am being a knob head here, I can do that sometimes) that while I'm busy worrying about that crap I am missing out on good things that might be trying to happen.

I miss laughing.....

That is all really.

Do you ever wonder if you are smart enough?

I'm going to stop doing that.

I also really need to stop swearing.......

sigh

In a world that prefers illusion..........

just started

Yesterday I was so angry I thought I could explode

Today I am just sad.

I really really hate sad....

So, what am I sad about?

Broken dreams I guess, all those what if's that don't usually get a mention but still linger somewhere.....all those times you think oh yeah and then it turns to shit in a moment.

Me, I grieve for me, that me that used to be a lot happier and also a lot more ignorant. Yeah I am grateful for the knowledge and the so called wisdom but I don't know if I didn't like it better when I knew not......

Expectations, my expectations and where they lead me......I always expect other people to be coming from the same space as me, which is pretty stupid really. I still can't see why not though. What is wrong with being upfront and saying what you think, or what you feel? What is wrong with just saying yes or bloody no? Sometimes it is kinder to be a little cruel than to keep someone hanging around for nothing. I include me in all of that, from both sides of the coin.

I'm just sitting here in my kitchen, it is cold this morning and the rain looks to be here for the day at least. I ponder strength. Mine. My seemingly fucking infinite supply and I wonder is it really strength or is it just plain 'dunno what else to do but hang on and hope?'

I lean toward the latter....are they the same damn thing?

I am taking mum for a CT scan today......I don't want to know the results and neither does she.....then next Monday is Oncology and then she is going to Byron for a week or so.
Yeah, I get a break and have no clue what to do in it.
Right now having time to just sit around feels attractive and yet dangerous too.........

So, it is raining and cold outside and yeah, it's a little like that inside too today.

I will get over it I am sure.

I'd like to feel shiny again....