Monday, October 26, 2009

In a world that prefers illusion..........

just started

Yesterday I was so angry I thought I could explode

Today I am just sad.

I really really hate sad....

So, what am I sad about?

Broken dreams I guess, all those what if's that don't usually get a mention but still linger somewhere.....all those times you think oh yeah and then it turns to shit in a moment.

Me, I grieve for me, that me that used to be a lot happier and also a lot more ignorant. Yeah I am grateful for the knowledge and the so called wisdom but I don't know if I didn't like it better when I knew not......

Expectations, my expectations and where they lead me......I always expect other people to be coming from the same space as me, which is pretty stupid really. I still can't see why not though. What is wrong with being upfront and saying what you think, or what you feel? What is wrong with just saying yes or bloody no? Sometimes it is kinder to be a little cruel than to keep someone hanging around for nothing. I include me in all of that, from both sides of the coin.

I'm just sitting here in my kitchen, it is cold this morning and the rain looks to be here for the day at least. I ponder strength. Mine. My seemingly fucking infinite supply and I wonder is it really strength or is it just plain 'dunno what else to do but hang on and hope?'

I lean toward the latter....are they the same damn thing?

I am taking mum for a CT scan today......I don't want to know the results and neither does she.....then next Monday is Oncology and then she is going to Byron for a week or so.
Yeah, I get a break and have no clue what to do in it.
Right now having time to just sit around feels attractive and yet dangerous too.........

So, it is raining and cold outside and yeah, it's a little like that inside too today.

I will get over it I am sure.

I'd like to feel shiny again....


Sarah Lulu said...

It feels like a horrible time I now.

For me times like that ..nothing to do but get the hell out of my thoughts. No thinking.

Keep things very very simple. Do the next right indicated thing like breathe and do the dishes.

Give the whole mess over to the God of your own understanding.

Above all else do no analysing.

Many prayers for you and your Mum. xx

Lisa said...

you glow, you really do and your wisdom is hard earned which doesn't always make life less painful.
knowing why things happen doesn't help either , when its not what you want to happen and as we all know far to well, expectation is the mother of all disappointment on some level.
Cat scans, yuck.
This is your game Myshell and believe it or not, you are winning it hands down.
try compartmentalization- i have become quite the expert at it- putting things in little boxes and leaving them there till they require attention ( metaphoric of course).
otherwise just stand still or at least be still in your core/solar plexus- the center has to hold or all else fails and you my darling girl are the center of all this to so many.
i am here, 24/7 for you and your family xxxxxx

Snowbrush said...

"is it really strength or is it just plain 'dunno what else to do but hang on and hope?'"

Strength isn't what we do first because, almost by definition, strength isn't easy, and we prefer to do things the easy way. Strength is what we do when the only other option is death or lasting despair.

Rainy here too, and will stay that way until mid-May.

linda said...

darling, you shine whether you see it or not....the way you keep on keepin' on is something to behold, whether you realize it or not...I would not be even slightly so strong as you in the face of what you have and are facing so at least know you are one magical being where I come from, even if life sucks, you are making the best of a very hard situation with more pluck [i can't believe i am using that word but, well, you are plucky!! :)] ...I am glad you are getting a break and hope you have some fun and a good deal of rest while you are having are in my thoughts even if i am a terrible commenter i am losing my computer for some days, weeks forever, i don't know yet so wanted to pop in and say you will be on my mind and i will be reading you and everyone else i care about somehow or other....hopefully my little lappie comes home quickly though! sigh.....much love, dearie ♥

Cyndy said...

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it & hold on..."

you are amazing.

Renee said...

So Michelle, dear one, I see that we are almost twins.

I would love to be oblivious again. If there was only a real pill like the ones I see all over marked 'Oblivion'

But that is not to be for straight shooters like us. It no longer can be like that for us.

You are strong and you can do anything Michelle. You have already proven that over and over.

I have used your painting on my blog today.

Love Renee xoxo

Renee said...

I used your art with Gnowee because I see you like that. Never giving up.

Love Renee xoxo

Renee said...

I love your work and I wish I owned it.

And by the way one of my nephews is Michel which is pronounced just like your name but is french for Michael.


Daria said...

Oh to be young and ignorant ... shiny and new ... yes I would love that too.