Do you think it ever really does get any better?
I have been struck by this horrible thought this evening.
What if this is it?
What if all the good stuff has already happened and now that I know what I know I will never ever be able to believe in anything again? What if I have turned into a cynic? What if I can't ever find love again?
What if I really am too weird and fucked up to ever find the relationship I would love to have?
What if no one ever 'see's' me again?
I know this is all a bit out there but seriously....what if?
I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone and struggling and never having someone around to touch my face or rub my neck or hold my hand.....
I do not want that.
But I want real.
Do the two actually exist on the same plane?
What is it I am wanting?
I want to laugh, a lot.
I want to be held by one who means it.
I want to make love not have sex.
I want to be looked after when I need it.
I want to care for and be cared for.
I want to have fun and be serious.
I want to live a little.
I want a special song.
I want to dance with arms around me.
I am sick of death and dying.
Is that shocking?
Does that make me a hard arsed cow?
I think not.
I didn't get any great sign from the universe today.
I didn't actually expect one.
Or maybe I did.
Does a random line in an email saying 'It's a sign, Shell" count?
I just don't know anymore.
I do expect I will find love again one of these days.
Or it will find me.
I accept that I am alone. I accept it do you hear me!
I just don't fucking LIKE IT today!
Meanwhile, life and death goes on doesn't it.
I am sick of it all.
As my friend Christopher said today...
Here am I, Lord. Walk with me.
I know I am being irrational here.
I know it in my head, but my heart, my heart aches.
That's okay too.