Thursday, November 05, 2009

What if?



Do you think it ever really does get any better?

I have been struck by this horrible thought this evening.

What if this is it?

What if all the good stuff has already happened and now that I know what I know I will never ever be able to believe in anything again? What if I have turned into a cynic? What if I can't ever find love again?

What if I really am too weird and fucked up to ever find the relationship I would love to have?

What if no one ever 'see's' me again?

I know this is all a bit out there but seriously....what if?

I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone and struggling and never having someone around to touch my face or rub my neck or hold my hand.....

I do not want that.

But I want real.

Really real.

Do the two actually exist on the same plane?

What is it I am wanting?

I want to laugh, a lot.
I want to be held by one who means it.
I want to make love not have sex.
I want to be looked after when I need it.
I want to care for and be cared for.
I want to have fun and be serious.
I want to live a little.
I want a special song.
I want to dance with arms around me.

I am sick of death and dying.

Is that shocking?

Does that make me a hard arsed cow?

I think not.

I didn't get any great sign from the universe today.

I didn't actually expect one.

Or maybe I did.

Does a random line in an email saying 'It's a sign, Shell" count?

I just don't know anymore.

I do expect I will find love again one of these days.

Or it will find me.

Whatever.

I accept that I am alone. I accept it do you hear me!

I just don't fucking LIKE IT today!

Meanwhile, life and death goes on doesn't it.

I am sick of it all.

As my friend Christopher said today...

Here am I, Lord. Walk with me.

I know I am being irrational here.

I know it in my head, but my heart, my heart aches.

It hurts...

That's okay too.





8 comments:

Natalie said...

It really will get better.

Some of the nicest people i know, are cynical bitches. :D

Cyndy said...

Maybe it was a punctuation error, and the line really read: It was a sign: "Shell".......

Aching is way better than numb, null & nothing, Lovely......

Sometimes, life & death suck in equal measures

PS: Crabby patties will be even more fun when they think that they are enormous, fierce lions ;0)

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way Michelle. I've been there myself. The thing that helped me was getting very involved in things I liked doing and letting go of needing someone else to love me because I had always felt incomplete without that.
I didn't think I was whole without someone to love me. That's so not true.

I traveled and took seminars in, visited Mexico with a friend and just decided to live MY life doing what made me happy. WHen I wasn't looking and was completely content with being independent, Dale came along. I actually wasn't sure I wanted a relationship again because they hadn't worked out in the past, ya know? :) Falling in love is easy, it's the breaking up that sucks so bad :( I didn't know if I even wanted to go there again because I had found happiness in just being me.

We've been together almost 4 years now. Is it perfect? No. But this time I didn't expect it to be. If it lasts forever, that's great. If it doesn't, the time I spent finding myself has taught me that I CAN be ok by myself too and it's just not so scary anymore.

Hang in there.....you're great!

Barry said...

Tough day Michelle when your head starts down this path.

I can't predict the future (or I'd be a LOT wealthier than I am) but I'd be willing to bet all those dreams come true.

Sooner rather than later.

Bogey said...

I hear you Michelle and yes, sometimes walking the "Hard Road" can be a pain in the backside. But for me, it is what makes the small treasures appear to bigger, allowing me to be grateful and humble when they do come my way. If I felt that the best was behind me, there wouldn't be much room for hope now would there. The following is a quote from Martha Washington which may apply;

The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not on our circumstances. We carry the seeds of the one or the other about with us in our minds wherever we go.

Michelle said...

Yeah I know. Some days its just hard is all, to be smiling both inside and out.

christopher said...

Michelle, if being held from here counts for anything, consider yourself held. I'm a big man so it's a big hug, and I am not afraid of it so it is also tight, what we often call a bear hug, one that stops short of too much but otherwise all the way. :)

Renata Daniel said...

I remember thinking that way after my first husband finally and thankfully fucked off...then I met "the man"...you just never know ....all any of us can do is live in hope...w.w.