Some kind of gorgeous.....

My beautiful kid........

and best friends....Tegan and Maddy

And Blair......the boyfriend of course

Me??

I am having a life this weekend.......guilt free,

and I like it!

I will not put me on hold for a daydream....

Frikkin' Friday...

I have decided that my house needs a good clean....damn shame I don't have time to clean it right now, but mum has a clean fridge and several clean curtains, a sparkly christmas bush and that is what counts right?

I have decided that I take too many supplements and they are screwing with my body so I am going back to basics and hitting the treadmill with renewed vigour as of tomorrow, I am also going to join the gym and find out how to really get fit......I'm over these wobbly bits. Of course I do not have time to do this because it is a half hour drive to the gym and everybody needs a piece of me right now so maybe I will just love my treadmill a bit more for now and do what needs doing daily and eat less.....sighhhhhhhhhhhh

Maybe I will just not worry about it but that doesn't feel right

Anyhow, I am off out of here for this day........

I will make it my mission to smile today and to be kind to strangers, especially in the car park...

(I do have car park issues at Christmas time........)

See you all tomorrow

Sad sad sad......damn it

I feel like I have been grieving today

I just feel so damn sad.....

I am sad because I love my brother and he is hiding behind his eyes from me......

I am sad because Renee is sick

I am sad because I didn't get to experience someone I wanted very much to

I am sad because my ex husband chooses to treat my children differently now that he has a son of his own, and even though I understand it, they don't....

I am sad because I saw my mother cry today while she was talking to the lovely doctor who lives across the road and she has nothing she believes in and this makes it all so much harder for her

I am sad because people seem to believe they need to be 'perfection' in order for god to love them and let them into 'heaven'.....this SO NOT TRUE

I am sad because she has a build up of cancer crap in her lymph nodes in her neck and this is not a good thing....

I am sad because I am bloody sad and I don't get to cry enough when things make me sad....

Today I am sitting with sad......

Tomorrow I will aim for happy.....

Tomorrow I am going to the beach, to coffee, to lunch, and to take photos of my beautiful child looking drop dead gorgeous in her own original way for the school formal tomorrow night......

Then I will go take care of me because somebody has to......and that makes me sad too

Observing trust.....

Please say a prayer for Renee today.

Life is moving a little too fast for my liking right now.......

I feel like I am encased in jelly moving slowly through a landscape where everything else is going at lightening speed around me, if that makes sense........

and I am watching it all from inside myself and watching me from outside myself.......

I do not have a mental illness either :)

This feels weird........

My hand rests on the glass

hesitant now

I do not trust

I cannot see you from out here

I do not know your face

I turn away,

leave you to your fate

I have things to do

and

I do not trust

My feet itch

the chariot waits idly

I must stand still

firmly, here inside my resolve

but my feet itch so

this damned vortex over my head

spins me around

I need, oh yes I need

but

I do not trust

Drums keep pounding a rythm to my brain...........

I kind of feel a bit free now......which is a bloody relief, I still feel very sad though, and am trying not to let that stop me from doing what I need to do. It is a little heavy this week, is my heart.

Last night I had a chance to talk to mum about some stuff, really talk, and that was good too. I think I have been holding onto stuff because I didn't want her to know how messy I was feeling and to feel guilty or whatever about that, but that's not fair to either of us so now she knows, the surface stuff anyway, and that feels better for both of us I think.

I am concerned about Daniel but I am figuring a bit of honesty will sort him out too, when the time is appropriate. This counselling will be a good thing. I feel that quite strongly. I also feel that he and I need to do this together or we will end up apart over it all, because somewhere deep down in his little kid self, he blames me for all of this. No one said it had to be rational, and when I went to rehab and left my family out of my life for those few years, albeit to save it yeah, he was the one I 'abandoned' the most. So that stuff needs to be addressed and it needs to be done very very soon. For his sake and I guess for mine too. Mum cannot go peacefully either, until she knows that things are okay with him and I, because he is the one we are most worried about here......the need to be Daniels glue.

I do believe I am being pushed by my 'higher power' here, to get with the program and to do my stuff so that I can do this next bit the best way I can......and as much as my kids and my brother don't want to know about it, and as much as we all wish it were different, this IS happening and it is happening sooner rather than later.

That is just the reality of it all. Full stop.

My mother is fading. I am hoping that the new level of med's will improve her quality of life enough that she wills herself here a bit longer, but that's all it is really. Her will. And the way she has been feeling lately has made her not want to live anymore.....and when it all boils down to it, her will is the only thing keeping her alive. I wouldn't want to live everyday feeling like she has been either.

I have no blinkers on regarding her......none. When she is ready to go, I will be holding her hand...that is my job and why I am here.

and I am here.....

There is still stuff to do though....

Rainy heart day....

I feel like I am getting to acceptance around a few things

I am not completely there but am well on my way

My experiences over this past year have really shown me where my issues lie,

( now that I am looking with my eyes open of course *rolls eyes madly*)

Fact is.....

and I am SO biting the inside of my cheek here because I DO NOT WANT THIS TO BE SO,

but

Fact is, most of my issues lay around men

All of my using and drinking and wild shit had to do with a man and me fitting in with, being intimidated by, or trying to please.... a man, ALL of it.

Not that I am blaming a man, I made choices, but my choices were born from my codependency, if you get my drift here.....

I have spent this life in a state of total co dependency, and even though I have done lots of work on this stuff and I continue to do so, it still comes up and bites me on the arse when I am not looking.

My drug of choice, right now, would be a man, if I could find one I liked enough......

All of my struggle just lately has been revolving around a man, or the man that wasn't, or whatever, but it was about a man........imaginary or not

I am looking at this stuff now and seeing where it comes from, this need for a man in my life, be he a good, bad or indifferent thing.......at my wanting to grasp hold of the ones who aren't really available.....maybe that is lucky or maybe the universe is looking after me......about having a nice one right here in front of me that I can play with, who thinks I am gorgeous and would probably go slay an elephant for me if I asked him to and yet not really wanting it but not really letting go of it either....what's that about?

I should just tell the poor guy to be on his way........but I like him and don't want to hurt him either.

About how maybe that's how the one I DO want felt about me and not liking that at all.

Nope.

Not at all.

My ego cannot STAND it .......

Fact is I have spent my whole life chasing my 'daddy' I guess. My ever elusive father who is always somewhere else.....and funnily enough, he and I have been communicating lately, on a deeper level than we ever have I guess, and while that has been nice and necessary it has, maybe, been playing havoc with my subconscious? Because ALL of my man stuff is now up and demanding to be looked at and let go of.........

I will tell you the truth, yeah?

I don't even like most men that much, lots (not all no, but very very LOTS) of them are morons with teeny brains in their boxer shorts and that is about the size of it!

Snort.......I know that was generalising .......sorry, sort of........

I do not really understand it all, or even any of it.

I really do not know where I am going with this except that I am getting it out of me so it doesn't fester because I am tired of driving and running and my leg hurts anyway........major cramp in my calf woke me screaming silently from a dead sleep last night.

I miss having my back tickled .....

and cuddles

I miss cuddles

But having them with the wrong person just isn't the same either..........

So, I guess I will just wait and see what happens, I will do what's in front of me here, and I will continue to observe myself and try very hard to stop throwing me all over the place.

I can't help but wonder though, why, when I am just really coming into my own power, I am so damn desperate to give it away to someone again......maybe people, maybe this is what I am learning right now, how to have my power and keep it too........

I spy with my big fat I....

I have been out and heard what I needed to hear tonight

I have been out to dinner also........

and for coffee too

I have been hugged

I have spent 3 hours today trying to be organised for one night in town

I have done a last minute chemist run that made me late despite a 3 hour planning.....

I have got a new local (as in lives across the street from mum) doctor (yipee!) and palliative care meds etc sorted for now

I have worked

I have been rained on and frozen my arse off in this stupid weather tonight

I have month end tomorrow :(

I am tired

I am very self centered lately

I need to change this

I..I..I..I..I..I..I..I..I..I..I..I..I..I..I..

am grateful for small things today

like heating in the car

and high beam lights

and windscreen wipers that work

and you

yep, all of you

ah buggerrrrrrr.............

Centering

self

is easy

remembering

to

is

not

:D

snort!

Choose your poison.....

Today I choose to have a happy and productive day

I choose to get things done and to enjoy doing them

I choose to feel good about myself in spite of my current trend to rip me to bits

I choose to put down the boy whenever he pops up

I choose to go with the flow

I choose to live with my eyes wide open

I choose to live......

My life is all about choices and guess what

I get to choose them!

November evening.........

I have run around like the proverbial blued arsed fly all day......

again

I have had morning coffee at the beach and watched the dust storm blow in

I have done yet another meeting,

I have had a reading...hmmmm

I have been and cooked dinner and fed the hoards, mum even ate it!

Walked the hound down by the water and sang a song or two

I have driven back into town tonight to pick up a sleepless and spewing daughter

I am very very tired of running now, I think I found what I needed.....

she was just me all along

It turned out to be a not so bad day after all......

What a wild month it has been, do you think it will stop now?

Thank you for reading and for caring

Praying for it.....

God, this morning I find myself depressed and oh so restless!

I feel trapped.

Mum is home

She has lost a lot of weight

She is not travelling very well at all....but I knew that didn't I

I must get to acceptance and gratitude......

Really I must, because I want to just get the hell out of here............

Running on empty........

Sometimes I wonder if we create the storm just so we can run before it?

Last night I went to a meeting and met some people I think will become an important part of my life for the next little while.

This morning I have woken feeling a bit down and rather weary. I think all this internal and external running around has left me a bit tired.

Mum returns today and I find this weighs heavily right this minute.....

There are days when I want to know if I am hiding or if I am being as real as I can and I cannot for the life of me tell the difference.

I think I will go to the beach.......

Currently working on.....

There is a part of me, the 'weller' I get, that wants to hold desperatley on to the angst, the abuse, the memories of pain.

There is a part of me that really really likes being messy and a little bit nuts, there is a part of me that really really wants to pick that up and run with it because then I don't have to do the rest of it, this life stuff, you know, the responsibility and the reality, that stuff.

There is another part of me that is seeing that maybe my life wasn't all that bad and that there were some really good parts interspersed with the rubbish!

Yeah, shock of all shocks, maybe my perception of abuse is changing. Maybe that little me is just growing up past the damn fear and seeing it for the survival technique it was?

Not to say it didn't all happen, just that I see it in a new light I suppose, when I look with my eyes open.

Maybe it just doesn't matter anymore.......

Maybe the part that hangs on, screaming loudly, is doing so because, well, what if I lost my justification?

What if I did all that running and drinking and drugging, all that sick crazy stuff .....all that damned running away for nothing?

God help me, what if I just did it all because I LIKED it?

What if there is a part of me that is hooked on the angst?

What if I create my own misery because it is easier to wallow there than it is to stand up and shout out my own name? Shout out that I am whole and well and capable?

'PICK ME' I could be yelling couldn't I?

What if they did?

What then?

What do you mean they did already????

argh!

Just so I know!

Ummmm, did anybody notice that it has taken me 3 bloody weeks to realise that I am full of fear and wanting to run?

To realise that I am full of fear and wanting to run and yet I am still standing here trying to sort it out?

Do you know that makes me courageous even if I am full of shit???

:D

I have come to the conclusion that inside all of this old angst is a shiny me who is standing still waiting for the rest of me to catch up and that I will actually be just fine.......

I am going to see my father soon, one way or another this has to happen too

My mother comes home tomorrow and I have Palliative Care lined up for first thing Monday morning......she needs more pain relief and poo relief and several other things need sorting, she has gone off food and alcohol and threw up her Sustagen shake yesterday morning. Considering this shake is her main food source we need to sort out nausea too........

I am going to sit down with them, her and Daniel and work out a care timetable of sorts, get us organised a little so we know where we stand and I can see when there are windows to get away and do 'me' stuff.......

I am acknowledging that my little brother is going through this stuff too and is just as much a carer of her as I am......as will be Tahni and my sister and my kids when it is time for all that.

I am NOT alone!

I have taken steps to get Daniel and I into grief counselling asap

I am taking charge again......stuff this fear crap for a not funny joke!!

I acknowledge my fear and I kick it straight in the arse!

I also will continue to work on this me stuff that is coming up......but I choose not to be afraid of it anymore.

Fucking feelings will not kill me!

Forgiveness feels fine.....

Just when I thought I knew it all, along came you and showed me differently....

There are times, quite often, when I need my head pulling out of my butt

This is not one of them :)

You will just have to bear with me while I work through some stuff here.............

Writing from when I was away....

All I touch here is sadness

Walked a million miles with sand between my toes

I threw you to the wind

All those you’s

Each and every one of you

Who I have loved and left

When the disappointment of life got too much to bear

and you couldn’t carry me

and I didn’t want you to

I threw you all to the wind

But you, damn you

The wind just keeps blowing you back again

I watch the sea roil

And it matches my stomach now

I pick up shells and throw them away for not being perfect

Like I threw all of you,

like you have thrown me

Is that why I am walking here alone now?

I ache here

And I am full to the brim

I need to empty

And I don’t know how

Why don’t you come?

I write your name in the sand

Throwing you into the wind again

And ducking for cover this time

You, all you are is an idea, a concept, a wish....

Me, I gave you far too much power.....

all I touch here is sadness

Was it just us??

seeking oblivion

so obvious now

I run to you from there

my legs go fast, over and over

and here you still are

not there at all

here

seeking oblivion

still

~~~~~~~~~~~

A whole lifetime spent

living an idea of you

your god, your idea of me

and what do I find here

you are me I you

how does this happen you say?

we could ask each other

about seeking oblivion

...an answer?

oh, my father, I have drowned in there before

there are no answers in that spirit

only infinite questions

wrapped, not so prettily, in oblivion

and still the empty remains

I called out to your god-sky and I heard my echo

why why why

It seems to me that the answer may lay just inside my heart

my heart that first broke when you were lost,

all that time ago,

I could never find you again, even

when you were standing right there

screaming "I love you" into my vacant face,

back when I had my blind eyes on

back when I lived in the void,

there were no questions there

and still there was no peace

she was but a catalyst you know,

though a heart breaker to be sure,

for things that needed to be said and done

all the damn band aids in the world wont fix it now

do you remember when we swam in the rain

and it made such perfect sense?

eyes wide open....

I am back

a little bit heart broken

a little sunburned, freshly washed in the sea, sand in strange places :D

eyes wide open now......

I have driven for miles and miles, not quite sure where to be.....not wanting to be home, not wanting to be there, not wanting to be anywhere I was really.....

I walked so many miles along the coastline yesterday that my legs just wouldn't go any

further this morning....

so beautiful there, so beautiful and quiet and clean

I swam, I fished, I saw eagles this morning......being chased by crows :D

I sang loudly to the wide open empty, I danced with a pelican in the sand :)

the rain fell

the sun broke through

I was left alone

I was held close tight

I feel more whole now

I wrote your name in the sand and let the tide take you back

I said goodbye to her in a way and realised I need to make amends, or at least to make sure I have done this as best I can, before she dies......whenever that may be

I have looked closely at myself and loved me just the way I am.....

I say to you, you must take me as I AM, or leave me the hell alone.....this needed to be said by me to ME.....

I have seen my own growth and seen where I am stuck.....I have unstuck me a little I think

I have made choices somewhere deep inside. .......to take life as it comes right now, to allow me to be held if I am lonely, to be held up if I am falling down, to fall down if my legs wont hold me, to get back up again, to seek help if I am confused, to say goodbye when I am not really wanted.

All hard, all necessary.......

eyes wide wide open

oh god, and so afraid

time to stop running now

here go I

My internal dialogue the past few days has been insistant and I feel I have moved some place other than where I was.....

I am no longer confused, just a little shaken by the onslaught

I am fortunate in that I have people to help me see my way through the clouds when they come

Always, always, the right person appears

Always, always, the right thing gets said

Always, always, if my heart is open and my head empty, I am answered

Always, always, will I allow this

In order to allow this I must remain open to possibilities, I must embrace change, I must dance like a dervish, one step ahead of my music....

Leading with my best foot people!

Lisa, thank you for the love

Christopher, thank you for the clarity.....

over and bloody over,

always spinning me

one toe ahead of the music

love still held fast

inside my broken heart,

left wide open

you, falling into me

here, on my knees

inside this rainbow

break me all over again

I laugh and lift my face to the sky, hollering why why why

oh please,

break me all over again

Grace....

here go I

Gratitude.....really

Thank you my friends, for the love and support you show me here....

It touches me more than you may know.

My animal totem this life is the dragonfly.

I am not sure whether I chose it or it chose me but for me it represents always seeing through 'the illusion'.

The illusion can be a myriad of things can it not.......

For me, my dragonflies help to remind me to keep it real.

Today I am wearing my silver dragonfly earrings that a friend once sent me when I was sad and he saw and he cared......

This week while I am gone I will sort through the illusion of that particular friend, one way or another.....

This needs to happen.....

Today I am packing up stuff to take away tomorrow and I am going into town for lunch, coffee and a meeting. I know I will see the ex at the meeting and I wish I had a bit more choice there but never mind.

He needs to be sorted out too........I will have no illusions going on there thank you very much.

Looks like a week of endings and beginnings doesn't it......

Guess not, damn it.....

I find myself sitting here tonight with nothing to do in particular. I was heading out to a meeting earlier and got as far as the service station for some fuel when I saw what was headed this way......nice storm, big wind, beautiful lightening, but I'm not driving in it....nuh uh

So, yes, I'm sitting here next to my window watching the lightening and trying to put some order into my head......I am still carrying the residue of my recent ...well, whatever it has been, and I would like to just talk with my fingers here to myself, and you, for a while I guess.

Been thinking about patterns and behaviour's, all sorts really, but mine in particular.

I want to get it right this life......I want to get this life right....to me this is the same thing

I have always, always been driven to dive headfirst into stuff and repent at leisure.....I am sick of doing this but I also like my spontaneity and if I had to spend my life planning every move and weighing every consequence I would go fucking nuts I am sure......so I am not actually sick of doing this but I am sick of the consequences.......sigh.....time to CHANGE

Looking at shadow I suppose, the two sides of the coin, the dark and the light.....

Looking at my tendency to play the martyr.....seeing me in this here right now being the damn heroine and putting myself last and 'saving' everyone and not doing any of it very well but doing it regardless. Not being able to save her.......then trying to fix that and STILL playing the martyr by feeling guilty for wanting out......

Looking at me playing the victim here, letting everybody else's stuff weigh me down so heavily that I lose sight of myself in there and have to run around like an idiot to try to save myself from obscurity by trying desperately to find another pair of eyes to see myself with, that and thinking that someone else can save me from drowning in my sorrow..........

Where was this sorrow born? Where did it come from?

Do I indulge my inner victim/martyr by waffling on about abuse and neglect and abandonment and such?

Do I vilify my main abuser, who happens to be the one who I am 'martyring' myself for?? Do I carry on and on about things that cannot be changed ever and that have no real place in my life anymore because they no longer have the power they once did. Do I try to explain myself to you by telling you constantly where I came from and why I am this messy sometimes???

Do I introduce you to my pain and say "See, this is ME, who I am, who is me..."

No, I don't. Not intentionally anyway, I hope I have grown past all that.

I am not my pain, past or present....I am not any of my behaviours or experiences or actions or reactions....

I am not a principle or a rule or a value or a concept....

I am all of these things and none of them........

I am whatever I damn well CHOOSE to be on any given day....at any given moment

That is both the bitch and the joy of it

It is ALL MY CHOICE!

I know I have been here before on this blog, well, here I am again....

I wish I could be oh so very articulate and say things in a way that makes them seem like I know exactly what I am talking about. I wish you didn't seem to think I am stupid......or maybe that is me who thinks that?

You know, I know I can be acting out big time, coming across as whatever but underneath all of that I am sometimes still that frightened kid worried about what if......

What if.....what I loved you and you didn't love me, what if I tried that and couldn't do it, what if I showed you and you didn't see, what if I got it all wrong, said it badly, looked the wrong way???

Well, what if I did???

What if you hurt me???

Well, what if you do.......

How do you live then? How do you live if you are too afraid to step up and take a chance? What if you consider that you might get hurt but you want it anyway? What if you go do it and it all fucks up.....what if it doesn't??? What if it's the best thing you ever did? What if it hurts anyway? Will it be worth it???

Yes.

Yes, it will.

You see, that is me, I don't mind fucking up so much. I do mind not trying to get it right because I am too damn scared of failing.....I spent too many years too scared to try......too scared to speak

Who knows, it might even be the best thing ever....

I don't happen to think that is stupid

I don't really think I am either...

I just call it life and try to live it as best I can most days

Or is that just an excuse for me to go do what ever I feel like and fuck everybody else in the process??

This is all stuff I have done or been accused of doing in the past.....why it is coming up for me now I do not know. Well, maybe I do.

Maybe this is all mother stuff and it is going to get dealt with one way or another right now or else......maybe this is so

Maybe one day I will tell you about my mum on here

I hope when I tell it it is a nice story

If I told you right now it wouldn't be one

Maybe that's where I am really at.....

oh fuck, how did I get here?

I see in this moment that my pain IS me and has been for this last while, that I am hurting.

That my bones ache with it sometimes. And it isn't about another person, it is about me. That me, that little one who had no voice and who wasn't allowed to cry when it damn well hurt.

Who wanted her daddy, who wanted to get saved from the bad thing.........fucking fucking hell.

I hate that this stuff is still in me and that it needs to get out. Again.

That the only way it can get out is by me touching it a little and giving it a voice and letting it go.....well, fucking GO.

I don't want my mother to die.

Yet there were many times I wished her dead.

Now I've said it.

God....

Was that the victim or the martyr?

Or was it just me?

What the storm blows in...

Something is brewing

I can feel it in my bones....

My mother is now staying up in Byron till the end of next week

Hmmmm....

I don't know what it is but it is coming and coming fast.....

I hope it's a good thing and that I like it!

Watch this space.....

Friday on my mind......

Shelli and I were in the local art show last night


Shelli won second prize in her category and it was soooooo cool


There is some encouragement for you hmmmm!


The little miracles that make up life and steer us here, there and everywhere...........


I tried to get a little dressed up and made myself laugh.....one of those dresses that require no bra and then you spend the whole night worrying about falling out of it......

I will show you.....except that the ones with the laughing didn't turn out because, well, I was shaking a bit.....

me after work trying to get my groove on.....snort!

you wanted to see the pendant right?

Lucky I couldn't take a pic of me doing my made up belly dancing routine exercise thing, which totally cracks me up and works out my belly but looks pretty silly and is much fun even though sometimes my legs are jelly when I get off that damn treadmill ":)

It's FRIDAY!


Wooooot, the weekend and I am off on Sunday. I am praying for nice weather, please please please. I will go anyway....you can fish in the rain......


I am feeling much more real these past few days


I think the internal whirlwind is really over, I saw what I needed to see in myself and now I can work on it, be aware, really aware, of how that works in me. I am grateful for that.


I do find myself feeling a little lost.


I don't know what to do next. I want to be doing something, something outside of the stuff I have to do anyway....


I'm pretty sure if I just stand still for 5 minutes it might come and catch me up......


whatever it is


And I have some interesting paintings brewing in my head.......different for me, more me.......something like that


Anyway I am taking some stuff away with me, sketchbook mainly and my conte's and my little watercolour pans.....we will see what happens


Now, I'm off to walk fast and run and dance for a while :D


Have a great day people!

I am a little whelmed....Not under, not over and not much!

This is my 1,111th post apparently

Or the last one was....am being a little blonde today, duh

Anyway all I was going to do was have a big whinge about how damned bored I am!

It is stinking filthy bloody hot and I am grateful to be sitting in this air-conditioned office I suppose......

Except I'd rather be painting, or fishing or swimming or anything frikking other thing than doing this......

I'd rather be COOKING!

Or running 3 k's on the treadmill and dying a thousand sweaty stinging deaths in 35 minutes all for no weight loss than doing this....

I would rather be home playing with kittens and cleaning up dog hair and mowing my lawn and washing my sheets and towels than doing this....

I have so many things I have not been doing at home lately....such as the above, (mainly because I've been running around with my head up my bum but still).....this is pathetic!

What is this you ask???

A BIG FAT NOTHING!!!!

I am sitting here on my ever increasing arse and doing NOTHING useful what-so-ever and it feels like I am just wasting my life away!

I am grateful....I am....I AM

I WILL BE!!!!

In a minute.....

snort

Oh.....!

"This created some interesting dynamics. Instead of feeling great, for some, it created a massive opening. And when we experience a massive opening, it can create all sorts of wild and crazy feelings, experiences, and emotions. Being that we were already at a new and higher level of residency, going even higher through the portal was equivalent to having experiences many of us had not had for a good ten years.

When we open and expand, we often feel a terrible darkness which is almost unmanageable. Depression, deep emotional pain, massive darkness, and even suicidal tendencies can be felt by those who are unusually sensitive."

Karen Bishop

As usual this lady has told my story 5 minutes after I have lived it and now it all makes sense.

Wow.....

Phew!!!

Some kind of crazy......

Artwork by my daughter Shelli......how cool is it!

Time to get really honest with myself here, and because it is here, then you too get to bask in my crap......sorry!

I have been a frantic scrabbling fool

For the last 6 months, not just the last few weeks

I am looking at myself with the blinkers off today and seeing my nuts-ness for it's real and inglorious ummm, realness :)

Aside from being rather totally embarrassing it's also a bit funny......

Some people got hurt in there, me included, so I am entitled to laugh a little

I am not responsible for anyone elses expectations or pain, no other consenting adult's anyway

But really!

What on earth was I thinking?

Obviously not much that was coherent in a real world type of way

Well, not ALL the time no, but a lot of it......

Gawd......

Here's hoping I can move into this next bit of future with a little more dignity and self control.

*Covers face and shakes head slowly......*

Thank goodness it was mostly in my head!!!

Oh, yes, thank god for that!