Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Drums keep pounding a rythm to my brain...........


I kind of feel a bit free now......which is a bloody relief, I still feel very sad though, and am trying not to let that stop me from doing what I need to do. It is a little heavy this week, is my heart.

Last night I had a chance to talk to mum about some stuff, really talk, and that was good too. I think I have been holding onto stuff because I didn't want her to know how messy I was feeling and to feel guilty or whatever about that, but that's not fair to either of us so now she knows, the surface stuff anyway, and that feels better for both of us I think.

I am concerned about Daniel but I am figuring a bit of honesty will sort him out too, when the time is appropriate. This counselling will be a good thing. I feel that quite strongly. I also feel that he and I need to do this together or we will end up apart over it all, because somewhere deep down in his little kid self, he blames me for all of this. No one said it had to be rational, and when I went to rehab and left my family out of my life for those few years, albeit to save it yeah, he was the one I 'abandoned' the most. So that stuff needs to be addressed and it needs to be done very very soon. For his sake and I guess for mine too. Mum cannot go peacefully either, until she knows that things are okay with him and I, because he is the one we are most worried about here......the need to be Daniels glue.

I do believe I am being pushed by my 'higher power' here, to get with the program and to do my stuff so that I can do this next bit the best way I can......and as much as my kids and my brother don't want to know about it, and as much as we all wish it were different, this IS happening and it is happening sooner rather than later.

That is just the reality of it all. Full stop.

My mother is fading. I am hoping that the new level of med's will improve her quality of life enough that she wills herself here a bit longer, but that's all it is really. Her will. And the way she has been feeling lately has made her not want to live anymore.....and when it all boils down to it, her will is the only thing keeping her alive. I wouldn't want to live everyday feeling like she has been either.

I have no blinkers on regarding her......none. When she is ready to go, I will be holding her hand...that is my job and why I am here.

and I am here.....

There is still stuff to do though....


8 comments:

wykdwytch said...

It can only be you - no training given in this job sorry, you can just do your best and it will be perfect.w.w.

Natalie said...

It all sounds exactly right. Lotsa love.

Cyndy said...

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxoxoxo

smiles4u said...

Hard stuff. ((((Michelle))))

Myst_72 said...

I'm pleased you got to talk.

Do tell Mum everything you want to say....I never got the chance with my Dad :(

G
xx

Bagman and Butler said...

Yea...I love you. Just gotta say it.

Bogey said...

Michelle, your life has come to a point where three parts of your journey are meeting at a crossroads. One, your recovery and all that went with it. Prior to, during and now. Two, dealing with all of that part of your journey thru your childrens perspective. Don't let them dismiss it as though it were nothing. You do not need hidden resentments. And finally, dealing with a dying parent and baring your souls to each other (I missed out on my opportunity so I am envious of that). It reminds me of a braid, three strands, interwoven together so that once bound, becomes stronger and more resilient. I believe you have come to this crossroad a lot better prepared than you are giving yourself credit for. Having a Higher Power at your side doesn't hurt either!

christopher said...

Just like B&B

Me too, love you.

One thing to say it, another to live it. It will get messy, yes it will, but then just like the Wytch said, in the end all will be right with it if you don't shy away and stand in the wind as you must. This is sacred time, every last blasted bit of it.