Saturday, November 28, 2009

Running on empty........

Sometimes I wonder if we create the storm just so we can run before it?

Last night I went to a meeting and met some people I think will become an important part of my life for the next little while.

This morning I have woken feeling a bit down and rather weary. I think all this internal and external running around has left me a bit tired.

Mum returns today and I find this weighs heavily right this minute.....

There are days when I want to know if I am hiding or if I am being as real as I can and I cannot for the life of me tell the difference.

I think I will go to the beach.......

Currently working on.....

There is a part of me, the 'weller' I get, that wants to hold desperatley on to the angst, the abuse, the memories of pain.

There is a part of me that really really likes being messy and a little bit nuts, there is a part of me that really really wants to pick that up and run with it because then I don't have to do the rest of it, this life stuff, you know, the responsibility and the reality, that stuff.

There is another part of me that is seeing that maybe my life wasn't all that bad and that there were some really good parts interspersed with the rubbish!

Yeah, shock of all shocks, maybe my perception of abuse is changing. Maybe that little me is just growing up past the damn fear and seeing it for the survival technique it was?

Not to say it didn't all happen, just that I see it in a new light I suppose, when I look with my eyes open.

Maybe it just doesn't matter anymore.......

Maybe the part that hangs on, screaming loudly, is doing so because, well, what if I lost my justification?

What if I did all that running and drinking and drugging, all that sick crazy stuff .....all that damned running away for nothing?

God help me, what if I just did it all because I LIKED it?

What if there is a part of me that is hooked on the angst?

What if I create my own misery because it is easier to wallow there than it is to stand up and shout out my own name? Shout out that I am whole and well and capable?

'PICK ME' I could be yelling couldn't I?

What if they did?

What then?

What do you mean they did already????



Natalie said...

EXACTLY! I hear you.


Cyndy said...

that is a very intimate artwork, Arty Farty.

all the old stuff is like an on old dressing gown. you have to break in the new one,; be still & patient while it settles to fit.

love to you & yours xoxoxox

christopher said...

Michelle, the answer to all your questions is YES.

I loves you girl.

Natalie said...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~Nelson Mandella