Friday, November 20, 2009

Guess not, damn it.....

I find myself sitting here tonight with nothing to do in particular. I was heading out to a meeting earlier and got as far as the service station for some fuel when I saw what was headed this way......nice storm, big wind, beautiful lightening, but I'm not driving in it....nuh uh

So, yes, I'm sitting here next to my window watching the lightening and trying to put some order into my head......I am still carrying the residue of my recent ...well, whatever it has been, and I would like to just talk with my fingers here to myself, and you, for a while I guess.

Been thinking about patterns and behaviour's, all sorts really, but mine in particular.

I want to get it right this life......I want to get this life right....to me this is the same thing

I have always, always been driven to dive headfirst into stuff and repent at leisure.....I am sick of doing this but I also like my spontaneity and if I had to spend my life planning every move and weighing every consequence I would go fucking nuts I am sure......so I am not actually sick of doing this but I am sick of the consequences.......sigh.....time to CHANGE

Looking at shadow I suppose, the two sides of the coin, the dark and the light.....

Looking at my tendency to play the martyr.....seeing me in this here right now being the damn heroine and putting myself last and 'saving' everyone and not doing any of it very well but doing it regardless. Not being able to save her.......then trying to fix that and STILL playing the martyr by feeling guilty for wanting out......

Looking at me playing the victim here, letting everybody else's stuff weigh me down so heavily that I lose sight of myself in there and have to run around like an idiot to try to save myself from obscurity by trying desperately to find another pair of eyes to see myself with, that and thinking that someone else can save me from drowning in my sorrow..........

Where was this sorrow born? Where did it come from?

Do I indulge my inner victim/martyr by waffling on about abuse and neglect and abandonment and such?

Do I vilify my main abuser, who happens to be the one who I am 'martyring' myself for?? Do I carry on and on about things that cannot be changed ever and that have no real place in my life anymore because they no longer have the power they once did. Do I try to explain myself to you by telling you constantly where I came from and why I am this messy sometimes???

Do I introduce you to my pain and say "See, this is ME, who I am, who is me..."

No, I don't. Not intentionally anyway, I hope I have grown past all that.

I am not my pain, past or present....I am not any of my behaviours or experiences or actions or reactions....

I am not a principle or a rule or a value or a concept....

I am all of these things and none of them........

I am whatever I damn well CHOOSE to be on any given day....at any given moment

That is both the bitch and the joy of it

It is ALL MY CHOICE!

I know I have been here before on this blog, well, here I am again....

I wish I could be oh so very articulate and say things in a way that makes them seem like I know exactly what I am talking about. I wish you didn't seem to think I am stupid......or maybe that is me who thinks that?

You know, I know I can be acting out big time, coming across as whatever but underneath all of that I am sometimes still that frightened kid worried about what if......

What if.....what I loved you and you didn't love me, what if I tried that and couldn't do it, what if I showed you and you didn't see, what if I got it all wrong, said it badly, looked the wrong way???

Well, what if I did???

What if you hurt me???

Well, what if you do.......

How do you live then? How do you live if you are too afraid to step up and take a chance? What if you consider that you might get hurt but you want it anyway? What if you go do it and it all fucks up.....what if it doesn't??? What if it's the best thing you ever did? What if it hurts anyway? Will it be worth it???

Yes.

Yes, it will.

You see, that is me, I don't mind fucking up so much. I do mind not trying to get it right because I am too damn scared of failing.....I spent too many years too scared to try......too scared to speak

Who knows, it might even be the best thing ever....

I don't happen to think that is stupid

I don't really think I am either...

I just call it life and try to live it as best I can most days

Or is that just an excuse for me to go do what ever I feel like and fuck everybody else in the process??

This is all stuff I have done or been accused of doing in the past.....why it is coming up for me now I do not know. Well, maybe I do.

Maybe this is all mother stuff and it is going to get dealt with one way or another right now or else......maybe this is so

Maybe one day I will tell you about my mum on here

I hope when I tell it it is a nice story

If I told you right now it wouldn't be one

Maybe that's where I am really at.....

oh fuck, how did I get here?

I see in this moment that my pain IS me and has been for this last while, that I am hurting.
That my bones ache with it sometimes. And it isn't about another person, it is about me. That me, that little one who had no voice and who wasn't allowed to cry when it damn well hurt.
Who wanted her daddy, who wanted to get saved from the bad thing.........fucking fucking hell.
I hate that this stuff is still in me and that it needs to get out. Again.
That the only way it can get out is by me touching it a little and giving it a voice and letting it go.....well, fucking GO.

I don't want my mother to die.

Yet there were many times I wished her dead.

Now I've said it.

God....

Was that the victim or the martyr?

Or was it just me?


9 comments:

angela said...

I think you are very human. Our lives are a constant mix of all emotions and we are all of those emotions all the time. You are dealing with a lot and you want yourself to deal with these in a certain way, but unfortunately you have to go with the flow.
Is this making sense.
Anyway be kind to yourself.

smiles4u said...

I just want to give you a hug right now. ((((Michelle)))))Not because I feel sorry for you... empathize with you maybe but not out of pity...but because I can so relate to all these thoughts, emotions and baggage that likes to show up unexpectedly.

I think we each have the dark and the light in us. Sometimes it just seems like the two of them battle it out and we have to just breath until it passes. Writing is therepudic and how great that you have this place to just write and let it all flow out.

It's hard not to let all these things define us...especially in the moments when the weight of those dark memories push down on us. In breaking free we do have to look at these things that hurt us and allow ourselves to feel and yes, cry the tears we didn't cry back then. Yes, it's grieving all that was and all that we lost and can't get back. But, when we get through that storm of the moment and it has passed there is a rainbow of hope. And then we can see clearly, that no, this does not define me.

So many what if's isn't there? To have love and forgiveness in our lives we have to take a risk or we will never know. If we don't take the risks to find something better for ourselves( a better that we deserve :) we will stay stuck in always wondering what if. Of course there will be hurt and disappointment but the real thing is out there, waiting patiently, for you to get there. Yes, we might get hurt on our way to finding it but oh how beautiful it is when we do.

I think the minute we stop believing in something more, is when we start dying inside.

You really are amazing. I'm really glad that you let all of this out instead of keeping it inside. Bravo. XXOO Lori

christopher said...

Michelle, I hold you carefully, as carefully as I can as you break your heart anew, renew the old breaks, add your willing thrust into it. You are beautiful tonight, what is for you already the day.

I weave around you the call for the host to come and attend you, offer you the hand of God.

I stand aside and behind, close behind, find some of the knots and carefully untie them. Some are less complex now than ever before. I untie them.

I whisper in your ear,

"Precisely, love, precisely this, all of it. *At the same time.* This is the holy moment."

Do not doubt beyond your dance, only within it as you must.

I sing my regret anew for the way expression strings out in sequence that which in the music is harmony, why the angels join us in voice and harp, to fill out the harmony.

You are not alone, love. As angela says, very human. Victims and martyrs do not stay sober. You have stayed sober. End of story, cupcake. Yeehaw!

(enter banjos and the broomstick bass, bright, high and fast)

Michelle said...

((((Thank you ))))

wykd wytch said...

Such beautiful love filled comments...I cannot add to them.
Most of us are broken in some way...just trying to find our way around.trying to survive and not slip between the cracks without anyone noticing.
There is someone waiting for you, and you will work it all out...but this time has to come to an end and that will also happen...its shit right now, no one really knows your pain you share the tip of the iceberg only and that is good thing - keep some of your self hidden and sacred.
Big warm hugs coming your way....w.w.

Diane said...

Oh, sweetness. For what it's worth, I cannot imagine ever seeing you as a martyr, a victim, stupid, etc. What I have always seen is a strong woman who is working through what life has dealt (or thrown at!) her.

When you get a chance, come to my blog and read my 'Quote of the Week'... it applies SO very much to you... and YOU, my friend, are a beautiful person!!! xo

Lisa said...

.........and up the spiritual ladder you go

Natalie said...

Just human and bloody good one at that.xx♥

Jen said...

you are incredible and i love you. thank you for sharing. hugs to you xoxo