Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Rainy heart day....

I feel like I am getting to acceptance around a few things

I am not completely there but am well on my way

My experiences over this past year have really shown me where my issues lie,

( now that I am looking with my eyes open of course *rolls eyes madly*)

Fact is.....

and I am SO biting the inside of my cheek here because I DO NOT WANT THIS TO BE SO,


Fact is, most of my issues lay around men

All of my using and drinking and wild shit had to do with a man and me fitting in with, being intimidated by, or trying to please.... a man, ALL of it.
Not that I am blaming a man, I made choices, but my choices were born from my codependency, if you get my drift here.....

I have spent this life in a state of total co dependency, and even though I have done lots of work on this stuff and I continue to do so, it still comes up and bites me on the arse when I am not looking.

My drug of choice, right now, would be a man, if I could find one I liked enough......

All of my struggle just lately has been revolving around a man, or the man that wasn't, or whatever, but it was about a man........imaginary or not

I am looking at this stuff now and seeing where it comes from, this need for a man in my life, be he a good, bad or indifferent thing.......at my wanting to grasp hold of the ones who aren't really available.....maybe that is lucky or maybe the universe is looking after me......about having a nice one right here in front of me that I can play with, who thinks I am gorgeous and would probably go slay an elephant for me if I asked him to and yet not really wanting it but not really letting go of it either....what's that about?
I should just tell the poor guy to be on his way........but I like him and don't want to hurt him either.
About how maybe that's how the one I DO want felt about me and not liking that at all.
Not at all.
My ego cannot STAND it .......

Fact is I have spent my whole life chasing my 'daddy' I guess. My ever elusive father who is always somewhere else.....and funnily enough, he and I have been communicating lately, on a deeper level than we ever have I guess, and while that has been nice and necessary it has, maybe, been playing havoc with my subconscious? Because ALL of my man stuff is now up and demanding to be looked at and let go of.........

I will tell you the truth, yeah?

I don't even like most men that much, lots (not all no, but very very LOTS) of them are morons with teeny brains in their boxer shorts and that is about the size of it!

Snort.......I know that was generalising .......sorry, sort of........

I do not really understand it all, or even any of it.

I really do not know where I am going with this except that I am getting it out of me so it doesn't fester because I am tired of driving and running and my leg hurts anyway........major cramp in my calf woke me screaming silently from a dead sleep last night.

I miss having my back tickled .....

and cuddles

I miss cuddles

But having them with the wrong person just isn't the same either..........

So, I guess I will just wait and see what happens, I will do what's in front of me here, and I will continue to observe myself and try very hard to stop throwing me all over the place.

I can't help but wonder though, why, when I am just really coming into my own power, I am so damn desperate to give it away to someone again......maybe people, maybe this is what I am learning right now, how to have my power and keep it too........


Sarah Lulu said...

Yes ...men as your drug of choice. I hate that hahaha. But a good realisation ...don't forget to hand it over ..because you are powerless over that.

You have used the same picture that I did on my blog last Wednesday ...I love it too.

I have been without a man for essentially 10 years. *smile* Took me that long to let go of the need.

And of the grief around a broken relationship.

Now I think I quite fancy one but it's not crucial.

The let go for me takes a long time. I hate that too.

Hugs my friend,

Sarah Lulu

EugeneSwanson said...

You dont need a man to be happy!! Why cant you just be happy with the people you have and concentrate on looking after bluenan and daniel and stop worrying and wishing for a boyfriend? It's the first time in your life without one and you've spent the whole time looking for another one when all they do is dissapoint you.

Lisa said...

Castor woke me at 3am with a message for you- i just sent it via email and then i come here and read this..........please let me know if the message means anything.

Lisa xx

Michelle said...

That,daughter,is my whole point.


Michelle said...

Castor woke me at 3 am with a leg cramp so bad it still hurts!


Today I am not to run but to face myself head on, whatever that brings about.

So, here is.....almost a bloody Step 6....am I willingly to be humble?



christopher said...

Oh just perfect, Michelle. I am happy and laughing with delight. Yes of course, and now that you have puked it all out with just a nod to the fact that not all men are walking penile forms, perhaps you can get real with it all.

Imagine the poor sods who have to live up to removing all stupid stuff to become who you need. We don't ever do it of course, because you really don't like the practical result. You wrote that too. It is typical. Women like the bad boys and many men learn to emphasize that to score. Because we really need you desperately you know. But we don't much like that pathetic picture.

I know your are not really like that except when you get kind of vicious about yourself, because I have already seen the beauty of you. I write my songs about that quite often. Heh. I don't care about all this. I just love you.

Michelle said...


I cannot spell straight today either!

woo hoo

down to the nittydamngritty

I did say brign it on

Natalie said...

I am so happy for you, and your clever, brave self. :D