On disregarding me.....

I have come to the conclusion that I am perfectly aware that I am driving MYSELF to distraction here...

The bit I am unsure of is why?

Why the hell have I suddenly turned into Madam Lashmyself, bent on hurting me?

What did I ever do to deserve that?

Why am I feeling like I will not survive another minute without someone to hold my hand?

Why am I so fucking worried about what someone else thinks??

Why am I planning things in my head that are totally not based on reality or even anything that anybody ever even said?

Why??

I know SO much better than this.

Is it fear?

What am I afraid of?

Being alone?

Hello Michelle, you ARE alone. You have been alone for quite some time now and you manage just fine. It is only your head that would have you believe differently.....

Fear?

Fear of not being able to deal with all this by myself?

Well, I already am aren't I????

That I am not strong enough????

PFT!

Not good enough??

Triple PFT!

I was talking to my friend the other day, you know her, she would be Natalie.......and we were discussing the good stuff about me. The fact that I am actually not bad looking, have a reasonably decent body, that is getting decent-er as I work on it now......I am intelligent, honest, talented, compassionate, loving and, if anyone needs to know, oh, never mind :)

My kids are almost grown, I am not looking for someone to rear them, or to look after me. I can do that myself!

I would like a companion, some one to play with, dance with, do dinner with, fish with, camp with, talk to, touch. All that stuff. In the little time I have to do such stuff with right now. Of course I would. But I don't think I will die with out him.

I am actually pretty damn fussy when it comes to men. I dont just like any one!

I want the RIGHT one, or none at all.

So, what the fuck is this all about??

Do I think I am going to miss the boat if I don't have it all right now???

What is IT anyway???

A man?

A cuddle?

Sex???

What is my fucking PROBLEM???

I am running purely on fear here, that's what.

My gut hurts....and I could really use a damn hug.

Better grow my arms long huh!

Don't touch me like that unless you mean it.....

Today I work

Tomorrow I work

Next week I can have some time off work, and no doubt my mother will return

This weekend I want to sort a little bit of stuff out for my own peace of mind

While I have the chance........

To figure out if I can handle this waiting game and what it is that I actually want

I would really really like some peace of mind that lasts for longer than three minutes here

I don't like being confused and uncertain

I am not asking for much

What do I want??

I want a little island of peace to row to sometimes

What the fuck is wrong with that?

LATER:

I have been so unhappy today that I am forced to take a good long look at me.

Week after next I am going away, I am going to sit on a beach, and I am going to think and feel and sort out my head.

I will figure out how to row my own boat.

I bloody well will!

Watch this space!

Here we go looby loo........

I had a nice day ....some of which I spent at the beach

I got asked out by a guy

I might just go have dinner with him......he has a large motorbike :)

Or maybe not....

That's three......hmmmm

Funnily enough, the one I actually want is running away at a million miles an hour........

what's a girl to do?

Life is rather confusing but kind of amusing sometimes

I am slightly sunburned and my face is peeling from the other day ......I love it! Except for the peely bit of course....

Now I am off to burn rubber on the treadmill to try get rid of this wobbly arse and stop me from thinking about rude things......damn filthy bloody mind.

I so do NOT need to have that with anyone ever again!

sighsnortchoke

I have decided I may just take myself away to stay on the beach for a week in a couple of weeks.

Just lay around and get brown and swim and maybe even fish a bit......

hmmmm

No more I love you's......

When I say my life is weird right now, I mean it.

I am going through this giant learning curve and it's all happening at warp speed for some reason.

I am seriously being put through the awareness wringer and the speed at which the universe is getting me through this has my damn head spinning something like that chick out of the Exorcist's.......

That is okay now that I see it for what it is.

Wow.

Okay, I am now just hanging on tight and handing it all up as it occurs.

There HAS to be a bloody good reason for this!

Letting go of neediness as we speak people.....weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I am feeling pretty strong actually.

In spite of a wobbly moment or two, I'm feeling okay.

I have been getting a bit fitter, getting me out and about, to meetings, to class, to wherever feels appropriate.

And the universe is so stopping me from getting to where I am not really ready for :)

I am actually feeling quite good about myself and learning so very much about what makes me tick.

My mum is still away and I am sooooo grateful for that. I have had a strange kind of freedom this past week or so, to fuck up with out being judged. My mother tends to judge me quite a lot in a way. Or maybe I am just not wanting her to see me weak. That's more like it I suppose. Am thinking as I type here because that works for me. You just get to read the process ........

I think I have been running along like a wild child here looking for a good enough reason to fall down. You know, there isn't one....

I am just scared.

I am scared of this next bit with my mum. And that's okay.

Somewhere in all this running I am finding me too.

The real me, she who can and will cope, who is and always was strong enough, who will do what she needs to to keep safe and be there for all the other falling down people.

I will have companions in this, I know this.

I will have exactly what and who I need.

I trust that.

I MUST trust that, and I do, deep down in my core.

I KNOW I am guided and that it is done with love.

I KNOW other people in my life have their own shit to deal with and don't need mine too.

I know I can do this.

Tomorrow I am going to swim in the ocean.

I can do it by myself, I can do it with my kids.

I can just do it because I can and I want to.

I will say yes to anything that feels okay.

And no to that that doesn't.

I don't need a hand to hold, but it sure is nice when there is one.

That is all.

smooch

Fun in charcoal.......

Woo hoo...that was fun!

These are 20 minutes poses and I am very rusty but........!!

I was pretty good

and modest too :D

My life is damn weird right now!

Ten things.....pass it on!

Ten things I am truly grateful for today?

1. Me....my core strength and my willingness to be wrong in trying to get it right :D
2. My treadmill.....and elastic torture things.....I feel GOOD and can see a difference now. Persistance pays off, TRUTH!
3. Not smoking for 15 weeks now.....I can do half an hours reasonably sweaty exercise with out stopping, and actually breath the whole way through it...unheard of for me before now! I'm upping it daily......Then I can keep dancing around my house for another hour......I am loving this!
4. You, yep, you
5. Meetings
6. Sunshine and sun burn and the ocean. I dunno why getting sunburned makes me feel good but it does
7. Music....oh yes, very grateful for music right now
8. My Higher Power...I am so very grateful that I have one, or two, or ten :D
9. Awareness......without this I would be a dead duck.
10. Time out from my mother this week to sort my head out. Thank god for that.

Tonight I get to draw naked people!

I hope it's a lady with a great arse and not a big fat guy!

I am a little bit excited about that.

I am a little bit excited in general right now.......

My son found me dancing around the kitchen this morning while I was cooking tonights dinner and having just kicked arse on the treadmill and torture devices just before getting ready for work and putting food in his belly.......he thought I was funny.

I think I am fucking great!

Snort!

He doesn't realise that he made me like this......

Ten things people......make your list!

Thats all I need.....

Letting it go...every time I pick it up

Sitting in the happy

Having faith

This is my goal for the week....

It is called the, 'Rain Bird Award', and it was created by Michelle at Crow Feet. Michelle has decide to bestow this particular 'Award' to those who have found, “Peace under Pressure”. It is dedicated to “every person who has come through their own personal 'war' with...if not their dignity and sanity intact, then at least with compassion and humour.” There is a marvelous story that belongs with this and one well worth reading!

Bogey had this to say, and he has passed it on to me :)

Personally, I believe in order to be able to achieve that, one must be able to walk through the burning coals of life and come through blistered, but not crippled. Bent, but broken. And, to be able to show compassion and empathy while maintaining a certain amount of gratitude and humility. Trying hard to believe that I fit all of this criteria, and although there were no direct instructions, I have decided to bestow this new, if not worthy Award, to the following people.

Sarah Lulu from Normal is a Cycle on a Washing machine has seen fit to give me this one :) Thank you Sarah Lulu and I hope you are feeling much better.

It comes with instructions -

1. Thank the person who gave it to you.
2. Answer the questions below using only 1 word answers.
3. Pass it on to six other bloggers that you think are also "Over The Top!"

Some of the questions are a little odd, but whatever!

1. Where is your cell phone?Here.
2. Your hair? Wild.
3. Your mother? Aussie.
4. Your father? English.
5. Your favorite food? Seafood.
6. Your dream last night? Don't remember
7. Your favorite drink? Wild Turkey.......... damnit
8. Your dream/goal? Love , to be an earning artist
9. What room are you in?Dining.
10. Your hobby? Painting....unfortunately for the moment hobby is apt.
11. Your fear? Loneliness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Not here.
13. Where were you last night?MeetingS.
14. Something you aren’t? A liar.
15. Muffins? Blueberry.
16. Wish list item? Not telling.
17. Where did you grow up?Sydney
18. Last thing you did? Ate.
19. What are you wearing?Black haremy type pants and singlet.
20. Your TV? blerk.
21. Your pets? Dog and two cats and five kittens and two budgies.
22. Your friends? Wonderful.
23. Your life? Full.
24. Your mood? Hopeful
25. Missing someone? Yes.
26. Vehicle? Hyundai
27. Something you’re not wearing? Sunscreen.
28. Your favorite store? Lots.
29. Your favorite color? Blue, with purple coming in a close second.
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today.
31. Last time you cried?Yesterday.
32. Your best friend? Me.
33. One place that I go over and over? Beach.
34. One person who emails me regularly? Shelli.
35. Favorite place to eat? Cafe.

I do not have the wits right now to decide who shuld have these awards and so I am offering them to any who feel they would like them.

Thank you so much Sarah Lulu and Bogey, for your continued support.

Better....

Yesterday?

Yesterday was nice.

Fish and chips and a walk right along Nobby's Beach......

Got sunburnt sitting on the end of the breakwall for hours

Talked about stuff

Got rained on and a little bit blown away

Then the sun came out

I love days like that

sigh

Sunday sanity......

It is early on a Sunday morning here....

It is a little cool and wet and has been raining overnight.

The birds are singing, the house is asleep.

I have been awake for an hour or so and am still pretty tired.

I think yesterday burned me out a little, all that crazy energy and no where to put it.

I have some stuff to do and say today that has me a little spun.....

That's okay....at least it will be done and then I can stop stressing about it all.

That will be nice.

This week I have been very very aware of my head and my patterns and my very strong desire to escape my reality for a while. Because of this awareness, and because of my nature, as an addict, I have taken steps to keep me safe.

I can see these feelings only becoming stronger in the months to come, as life gets harder and mum gets sicker and whatever else happens ........so I got me back to a place where I know I can be safe.

Otherwise my head could use the excuse that I haven't been for so long, to let me go out and do something I may regret.

I am actually fairly pleased with me for being able to see this and to not let pride get in my way. To be able to do what might be needed for me one of these days, that has been needed this week. It just showed me that I can.

And maybe that was what I needed to know.

Regardless of anything else, I need to keep me and my kids safe.

It's all hard enough without me making it harder for myself.

I need to keep it real and I need to keep it in the day.

This day.

These things I must remember, even when I very much don't want to.

Even when.....

Going out of my house/mind

This afternoon I was feeling a bit manic and rather self destructive

I wanted to muck up and act out big time

By ten to four I was on a roll......somewhere

So, I jumped in the shower and got dressed

Hopped in the car and went awol

I had to leave the house and driving felt good, in fact I didn't want to stop

I wanted to drive and drive and drive until I got somewhere where I wasn't anymore

so

I went to two meetings tonight, back to back NA and AA

Now I remember ......

I also went to the beach and visited with a very large tree

I don't seem to be able to ground myself very well right now

tomorrow will be interesting

sigh

Saturday is.........the day before Sunday :D

Okay

A new day....

I am liking the treadmill and that dancing around really fast like a nut job is good for me.

I am not loving stomach crunches and am wondering if it REALLY hurts should I be doing it?

"Ohhhhhh, can you meet me half way, meet me half way...."

Am also loving that song right now.

I can do half way!

Curiouser and curiouser.........

I have had the funniest, strangest day

I don't know what the fuck is going on here but it is all a bit too weird for me

I am being driven here

I am in the drivers seat but my hands are definitely not on the wheel

Hmmm......

Hmmmmm again.

This morning I hand it all over yes?

All being various things but mostly one....

ThenI had a phone call this morning that made me quite happy, in a what am I , crazy??? kind of way.

We will see where that goes. I am not holding my breath however.

I finally got off my big butt and drove over to/from whoop whoop and had a lovely coffee and many cakes with my Natsy and her Mark, it's been far too long since that happened.

Then I went to the psychiatrist with my Shelli, who is cutting down meds and generally doing really well. This was a nice appointment and he was over the moon with her. That felt good.

I did boring stuff like visiting government departments and picking up school letters and so on.......

Then I had more coffee with my BFFFFFFF and HER Marc and was entertained by family squabbling and the war of the esky...I dunno who won

I also went to a Womens Meeting tonight, that was interesting, and insightful. I forgot how the 'madness' creeps up on you.....I also forgot how hard we can all be on ourselves. I sat there and listened to these women call themselves silly bitches and insane and other such stuff and you know what. I am not those things.

I refuse to call me them.

This reminded me of one of the reasons why I stopped going to meetings in the first place. The very labelling of oneself that makes these things so.....so I told them/me that I was actually a really fucking strong person who just needed a reminder of that thank you very much. I also told them that if they too, did what I did, which was pretty much just not pick up a drink or drug on a daily basis for a very long time that things would start to make sense to them too one day and their insanity would go up to a whole new level but that would be okay because they would be AWARE of it..........then I laughed a lot and thought about banging my head on the floor :)

Then I went with someone to a meditation group at this little church and was bored shitless for an hour or two. Was given totally conflicting spiritual messages .....by an old lady who wouldn't put her hearing aids in and who told me I wear a mask like in Phantom of the Opera and that I need to tell the truth????

WTF???? Helloooooooooooooo......what is it I am all about here?

Actually the meditation was nice but the arm flapping old ladies were a little too much. However, I chalked it up to the end of a big day and let them flap away.

Ahhhh gawd.

Then I drove the 45 minutes home and got the message I have been waiting for in an email from Nat.

Now I am wired and yet not.

Time will tell.....

I am going to bed.

I forgot to buy my fishing rod :(

Maybe on Sunday......

Hands up ...again

Okay universe...

I've said what I needed to say...

I've done and am doing what I need to do...

This wish I wish

it is always

my undoing

I will do me back up

and wait

to come undone

So be it.

What if?

Link

Do you think it ever really does get any better?

I have been struck by this horrible thought this evening.

What if this is it?

What if all the good stuff has already happened and now that I know what I know I will never ever be able to believe in anything again? What if I have turned into a cynic? What if I can't ever find love again?

What if I really am too weird and fucked up to ever find the relationship I would love to have?

What if no one ever 'see's' me again?

I know this is all a bit out there but seriously....what if?

I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone and struggling and never having someone around to touch my face or rub my neck or hold my hand.....

I do not want that.

But I want real.

Really real.

Do the two actually exist on the same plane?

What is it I am wanting?

I want to laugh, a lot.

I want to be held by one who means it.

I want to make love not have sex.

I want to be looked after when I need it.

I want to care for and be cared for.

I want to have fun and be serious.

I want to live a little.

I want a special song.

I want to dance with arms around me.

I am sick of death and dying.

Is that shocking?

Does that make me a hard arsed cow?

I think not.

I didn't get any great sign from the universe today.

I didn't actually expect one.

Or maybe I did.

Does a random line in an email saying 'It's a sign, Shell" count?

I just don't know anymore.

I do expect I will find love again one of these days.

Or it will find me.

Whatever.

I accept that I am alone. I accept it do you hear me!

I just don't fucking LIKE IT today!

Meanwhile, life and death goes on doesn't it.

I am sick of it all.

As my friend Christopher said today...

Here am I, Lord. Walk with me.

I know I am being irrational here.

I know it in my head, but my heart, my heart aches.

It hurts...

That's okay too.

Crabby's Patties and a little action.....puhleeze

This one is a princess.....

This one is the runt...we call him Runty....snort

Kittens are toooooo cute when they start roaming around and doing little tiny purrs

Oh god, another bloody day is here

Today I am challenging the universe!

I want some sort of sign that I am on the bloody right track.

Some sort of action.

Good stuff only need apply!

I am lonely.....full stop.

Too much cake?

I truly believe I am in the right place doing the right thing.

I just also believe that I need to be doing some more as well, some more that is about me and just me.

I believe this is necessary for two reasons, one, so that I don't end up carrying resentment about having to be doing all this, and two, because things rarely fall from the sky and just land in your lap.

Not in my world anyway.

My intuition is yelling at me about this.

Mind you I'm not all that sure I trust my gut very much these days, it seems to be leading me all over the shop at times.

It will all come together one of these days but there are steps that I have to take with my own two feet to bring it about.

Can't make a cake without buying the eggs and beating the mixture first.

Trouble with me is I like to make, bake, have and eat my cake all at once :)

sigh.....

Life is what I make it.....

My horse won the Melbourne Cup yesterday!

That made me a little tiny bit richer, because I don't bet much......still :)

I am enrolling in life drawing class today....woot!

I am feeling pretty good.

I am also in hurting in places I forgot I had muscles.....

Putting mum on the plane to Byron at 2.....

That is always like a little holiday sort of...

I wish I had some plans to do something but you know, who knows what will happen and I do have a painting to finish.

I think I will buy myself a new fishing rod this week too......

because I need to go fishing and I am perfectly capable of taking myself.

Note to self - Get back to work wench!

On revisiting self.....

Well, I did all that ........

It was interesting going back to a meeting after so long

Was truly good to see a few familiar faces

Daunting, as always, to see the many new faces, worn and fragile souls hoping for a better way

Daunting and sad, so sad to see them and know that only the very few will do the very hard yards and still be sitting there in 8 years time, a whole new person......

So yeah, I got to gratitude real fast and I certainly remembered who I was and who I choose not to be anymore and why.....that 5 minutes of oblivion I was starting to yearn for looks a bit different this this morning :)

Now, all I need to do is accept who I am now......

I can do that, I like her a lot!

Full moon ritual was beautiful and appropriate for me, as happens when I let myself be guided instead of running my own show.........my cottage ladies are my allies and my sisters and I love them.

Lots.

You know people, I am still feeling lonely, still a little afraid, but not alone.

Never alone.

Goodbye old, hello me........

I love this pic

She is me on my way THROUGH illusion

Thank you and goodbye

I have made a few tentative decisions over the last week or so.

I have decided that I am going to focus on me for a while, in as much as I can.

I am going to do an art class and draw some naked bodies....

I am going to find a dance or yoga or something class to help me get fit and learn my body from my own point of perspective.....

I am going to work on the things I don't like and CAN change about myself and learn to love me a bit more than I have been.

I am going to do this for ME.

I am going to take life as it comes and as it goes.

Tonight I am going to a meeting and to a full moon circle.....this feels like a good thing to me.

I need to remember where I came from and also where I am right now and then do me a little creating of where I want to be going to.....

I need to be letting go of some really old and some quite new crap

I need to feed my soul and care for my body

That is what I need and it is about time I got with the program before the universe dumps something even ruder on my head!

I know how it works....time to play the game and walk the talk Michelle

sigh

puff puff pant grunt wooooooooooooot......

(that is me kicking it on the treadmill)

still dancing.....

Dancing as fast as I can.......

Been listening to some really nice music and for a while there I was really sad.

So I put on some pumping music and I flogged myself on the treadmill. Twice.

Then I mowed the lawn, because I can and it needed it.

Then I painted some blue and saw that I need to paint my sad out......and that I am quite valid in my sadness and that it is okay for me to miss things I have never had as long as I am prepared to recognise and accept them when they come with another face in who ever's time they may choose come in.

I cried a little and then I danced.

Today I danced with myself and I was beautiful!

Jackson Browne's 'Sky Blue and Black' may have been written for me today.

What the hell have I been so worried about?

Trust Michelle, just trust, I hear them whisper.....

Go, do the things you must

Trust

All is as it must be

Breathing now......

inhale

exhale

chop wood

carry water

love your self

and don't forget to dance