Wednesday, November 11, 2009

No more I love you's......

When I say my life is weird right now, I mean it.

I am going through this giant learning curve and it's all happening at warp speed for some reason.

I am seriously being put through the awareness wringer and the speed at which the universe is getting me through this has my damn head spinning something like that chick out of the Exorcist's.......

That is okay now that I see it for what it is.

Wow.

Okay, I am now just hanging on tight and handing it all up as it occurs.

There HAS to be a bloody good reason for this!

Letting go of neediness as we speak people.....weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I am feeling pretty strong actually.

In spite of a wobbly moment or two, I'm feeling okay.

I have been getting a bit fitter, getting me out and about, to meetings, to class, to wherever feels appropriate.

And the universe is so stopping me from getting to where I am not really ready for :)

I am actually feeling quite good about myself and learning so very much about what makes me tick.

My mum is still away and I am sooooo grateful for that. I have had a strange kind of freedom this past week or so, to fuck up with out being judged. My mother tends to judge me quite a lot in a way. Or maybe I am just not wanting her to see me weak. That's more like it I suppose. Am thinking as I type here because that works for me. You just get to read the process ........

I think I have been running along like a wild child here looking for a good enough reason to fall down. You know, there isn't one....

I am just scared.

I am scared of this next bit with my mum. And that's okay.

Somewhere in all this running I am finding me too.

The real me, she who can and will cope, who is and always was strong enough, who will do what she needs to to keep safe and be there for all the other falling down people.

I will have companions in this, I know this.

I will have exactly what and who I need.

I trust that.

I MUST trust that, and I do, deep down in my core.

I KNOW I am guided and that it is done with love.

I KNOW other people in my life have their own shit to deal with and don't need mine too.

I know I can do this.

Tomorrow I am going to swim in the ocean.

I can do it by myself, I can do it with my kids.

I can just do it because I can and I want to.

I will say yes to anything that feels okay.

And no to that that doesn't.

I don't need a hand to hold, but it sure is nice when there is one.

That is all.

smooch




8 comments:

Linda S. Socha said...

Well said Michelle....Life...the rollar coaster but I would not miss the ride and I know you won't either. Hope all goes the best way possible
Linda

Natalie said...

SMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH! wow, if I could steal a moment, the ocean is the first place on my list. Please do a body surf for me.xx♥

Chez said...

Michelle love how aware you are becoming. Go girl!

Sarah Lulu said...

Ohhh you have come so far in the last week or so ...yes you have!!!!

Lisa said...

smooch xx

christopher said...

Sometimes you don't really need a lover, just a good massage....

Sometimes you don't need an answer, just a companion in the question.....

And yes, there is always someone there for you if you aren't insistent on who that is and how they are there. Solitude may be necessary some of the time.

I am here for you in my own odd way.

Bagman and Butler said...

Yes!! You are accelerating and your heartbeat is accelerating too. We can hear it all the way over here on the other continent.

Bogey said...

It sounds like you have developed another growth ring or two. I believe having the time recently, to think about your wants and needs, has allowed that growth to happen for you. Learning to step away from the chaos that surrounds us is a great tool to have in our backpack. Enjoy the swim and let the water cleanse the sorrow from your soul.