Friday, November 13, 2009

On disregarding me.....

I have come to the conclusion that I am perfectly aware that I am driving MYSELF to distraction here...

The bit I am unsure of is why?

Why the hell have I suddenly turned into Madam Lashmyself, bent on hurting me?

What did I ever do to deserve that?

Why am I feeling like I will not survive another minute without someone to hold my hand?

Why am I so fucking worried about what someone else thinks??

Why am I planning things in my head that are totally not based on reality or even anything that anybody ever even said?


I know SO much better than this.

Is it fear?

What am I afraid of?

Being alone?

Hello Michelle, you ARE alone. You have been alone for quite some time now and you manage just fine. It is only your head that would have you believe differently.....


Fear of not being able to deal with all this by myself?

Well, I already am aren't I????

That I am not strong enough????


Not good enough??

Triple PFT!

I was talking to my friend the other day, you know her, she would be Natalie.......and we were discussing the good stuff about me. The fact that I am actually not bad looking, have a reasonably decent body, that is getting decent-er as I work on it now......I am intelligent, honest, talented, compassionate, loving and, if anyone needs to know, oh, never mind :)

My kids are almost grown, I am not looking for someone to rear them, or to look after me. I can do that myself!

I would like a companion, some one to play with, dance with, do dinner with, fish with, camp with, talk to, touch. All that stuff. In the little time I have to do such stuff with right now. Of course I would. But I don't think I will die with out him.

I am actually pretty damn fussy when it comes to men. I dont just like any one!

I want the RIGHT one, or none at all.

So, what the fuck is this all about??

Do I think I am going to miss the boat if I don't have it all right now???

What is IT anyway???

A man?

A cuddle?


What is my fucking PROBLEM???

I am running purely on fear here, that's what.

My gut hurts....and I could really use a damn hug.

Better grow my arms long huh!


wykd wytch said...

We are all allowed to be normal every so often and what you are experiencing is just normal...that's all it is.
Rememebr what you have just done, what you have been through and what you are still doing.....there is a process of grieving every situation that does not work and your feelings are all part of the process...the magic is to see out the other side and decide to try again..and again if need it boots and all as you say that includes tears fears and change.w.w.

Natalie said...

We are human animals and we are wired to be social creatures. We all do better if we connected to others. Having said that, I think you can certainly feel a level of fulfillment on your own.
Maybe what you are looking for is the innate human need to Connect with an 'other' - to laugh and cry and play.To share experiences that are more fun in a couple, or in a group of other humans.

It should look like two separate circles overlapping.
Two complete, fulfilled individuals, merging in the middle to make a new entity. (the sum of those two complete beings.)Neither circle merges completely into the other.
Okay, I'll shaddup now.xx

Michelle said...

The circles...thats all i want. I dont want enmeshment or any other unhealthy shit. I just dont know why it all feels so fucking URGENT right now. Its too weird and it is doing my damned head in!

Natalie said...

Faith is the lesson for the Pisces /Virgo axis. Fear / Faith.

Sarah Lulu said...

Sending hugs.

It's part of our disease.

Simple answer.

Don't go into your head and try to figure yourself out either.

You are lovely.

Do the next right small action....leave the bigger picture, next desire to the Universe.

No thinking. None.

Bagman and Butler said...

The strange thing for me is that when I have all those things, I still want them. There is never enough. When I am connected, I want to disconnect. As soon as I disconnect, I want to connect again. Yes, Sarah is right, it does kind of sound like my other diseases.