I have come to the conclusion that I am perfectly aware that I am driving MYSELF to distraction here...
The bit I am unsure of is why?
Why the hell have I suddenly turned into Madam Lashmyself, bent on hurting me?
What did I ever do to deserve that?
Why am I feeling like I will not survive another minute without someone to hold my hand?
Why am I so fucking worried about what someone else thinks??
Why am I planning things in my head that are totally not based on reality or even anything that anybody ever even said?
I know SO much better than this.
Is it fear?
What am I afraid of?
Hello Michelle, you ARE alone. You have been alone for quite some time now and you manage just fine. It is only your head that would have you believe differently.....
Fear of not being able to deal with all this by myself?
Well, I already am aren't I????
That I am not strong enough????
Not good enough??
I was talking to my friend the other day, you know her, she would be Natalie.......and we were discussing the good stuff about me. The fact that I am actually not bad looking, have a reasonably decent body, that is getting decent-er as I work on it now......I am intelligent, honest, talented, compassionate, loving and, if anyone needs to know, oh, never mind :)
My kids are almost grown, I am not looking for someone to rear them, or to look after me. I can do that myself!
I would like a companion, some one to play with, dance with, do dinner with, fish with, camp with, talk to, touch. All that stuff. In the little time I have to do such stuff with right now. Of course I would. But I don't think I will die with out him.
I am actually pretty damn fussy when it comes to men. I dont just like any one!
I want the RIGHT one, or none at all.
So, what the fuck is this all about??
Do I think I am going to miss the boat if I don't have it all right now???
What is IT anyway???
What is my fucking PROBLEM???
I am running purely on fear here, that's what.
My gut hurts....and I could really use a damn hug.
Better grow my arms long huh!