Tearsday

Feeling a bit blah today.

Mum is going for her bone scan and I KNOW it wont be good news, not that we will know today of course.

Things are piling up here.

Shellibaby is feeling crappy, the med's don't seem to be holding her now and she is obsessing about cutting again. I don't know what to do for her. I just have no idea. Sometimes it is too fucking hard.

My 'time off' is pretty much over now......I feel okay physically, still need to take it easy but feeling much stronger than a week ago. I am getting random cramps in my leg muscles and a strange pain/twinge in my left shoulder, not bad but just there and feeling rather high along the anxiety scale but that's okay I suppose. I can deal with it.

I want to know how to 'fix' my kid! Writing a story is not going to help her now, it may be a nice idea and be a nice thing for her to compare notes with in the future sometime but for now she needs something I don't seem to be able to give her. Like hope and guts and determination.

I had to put her on the 'pill', for obvious reasons....this was not a decision made lightly but a necessary evil. I wonder if it is interfering with her meds though, even though they said it should'nt. This kid is in such a hurry to grow up and is so irresponsible and impulsive she scares me. She has no motivation, and any she does manage to gather just dissipates in a moment.

I look at this child, with her scars and her big blue eyes and her utter confusion and I despair at times.

I want to slap her silly and also to put her in a glass cage on a big soft cushion to sleep for about 5 years till she is a little more grown up.

I haven't got time to deal with it all properly. I wouldn't know how to if I did have more time. There is too much coming just over the horizon and I worry that I will miss something vitally important and somehow end up burying my daughter along with my mother. Sounds awful doesn't it but it is a possibilty. This kid is much like me with more shit to deal with than I had at her age......it took me such a long time to heal, and I was lucky I did. She tells me she is not me, and she isn't but oh she is, she is.

I worry that she will just take off into the unknown, as I did at 16, and put herself through untold crap for nothing, as I did. I worry I worry I worry.

But for now, I will put a lid on it, and go to work and hold the friggen fort and do what is in front of me.

In the end, it's all I can do isn't it.

Blah!

A little more truth of mine

Been thinking....oh oh

Well,not really thinking as in deep pondering etc but just feeling I guess

Been skimming over the past 18 months of my life and I have occasionally wandered how the hell I am still standing!

Once upon a time would have been....well....dead.....from all of this stress and stuff!

I kid you not.

I spent pretty much my whole adult life, up till 7 and a half years ago, as a practicing addict/alcoholic (some people see a difference there, I do not, one just kills you slower) and damn well ended up near death, only 3 or 4 days away from it in fact, according to the good doctors and institutionalised......(rehab was the nicest one:O))

I was running away from me.

Then I learned better. That was a very painful and confusing process as anyone who has been through it will know.

Now I am just comparing the things that would have had me screaming for mercy delivered in the form of a bottle, or a needle, or whatever .....once upon a time.....and coming to the realisation that I am actually a VERY STRONG PERSON!

How wonderful.

I think.


Now, how do I put all that into a magic pill and force feed it to my daughter?



PS I found some more images of stuff for the other blog! Woohoo!!

A little truth

I was just leaving a comment on Christopher's blog, he who writes the most poignant poetry, and what I said struck me a bit so I thought I would share it.

We all need reminding sometimes.

"The days when I am most at peace are those when I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be, regardless of the 'rung' I have achieved.

The days I am in despair are the days I have forgotten this."

Even though I had in mind a spiritual path when I wrote this, it applies to everything does it not. Everything takes the time it takes, and we all get there in our own ways.

The trick, for me, is to remember occasionally that I am but a human being and I learn by my mistakes.

Have a nice day!

RENEE DAY !!!!!!

I am trying to get the timing right here.....it's 12.03am in Winnipeg :)

Today is RENEE'S birthday people...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO A LOVELY LADY!!!!

She makes a difference!

Checking in....

Hellloooooo out there

Just letting you know I am alive

I have nothing to say though

How sad :(

The down side of staying home and sleeping all day is that nothing interesting happens :)

Today I am going to the office so that my bloody mother will stay at home and rest

Tahni is quite peed off that she is here and still the mother seems to think she must be there everyday and therefore get herself exhausted.

I am in agreeance with Tahni and must have a chat with the parent soon

But today I will sit in the chair for half the day and then Monday I will do month end and Tuesday I will be there so mum can have her bone scan and Thursday I will be there because Tahni has an exam she must do..........

But I AM resting

bah ha ha ha

Mum

Well, I don't know all the facts yet but they want mum to start chemo asap

It is the lung cancer that is creating the problems now and they seem to think it will help with her pain levels if nothing else

They have also given her a script for oxycontin for pain....what can anyone tell me about this drug? I know it is a slow release morphein but thats about it.

She will be worried it will muck her head up so any information will be useful....also with regards to constipation as that is a major issue with her

I will know more later when I speak to Tahni, who, I am sure, will have taken in more than mum did at the appointment......mum would have heard chemo and freaked.....

They also want her to have a bone scan asap...

and so it begins I suppose...

Phew

Feeling much more normal this morning...yay

So, here I am, in the orifice......argh

The last two weeks have been mayhem here with all the lowlife tenants up to no good

I'm sure they were all waiting for me to take my eye off them for 5 seconds grrrrr

We have one lot who have been kicked out and just will not go......they owe untold rent and said they will be out yesterday and they are still there.......makes me want to hire a hit man!

But I am not worrying about it right now, no no no......I am not really here.....I am an apparition!

I want to go to sleep now...:)

Grrrrr.....

Went to the doc.....not my usual GP but a local one here

She said my belly was all good but I have poo issues :)

I wont go into that though

She did however give me an antibiotic to take, just in case

And it has made me sick, as in blurred vision, headache and feeling very strange :(

So I'm not taking it anymore.

Stupids

I am doing the office tomorrow so Tahni can take mum in for her oncology appointment. I don't like this, I am the one who goes to these things with her, but I can't drive so someone must man the stupid office and it will be me.

I hope I feel better than this in the morning....grrrrr

Whinge bitch moan

Tuesday blah blah

Still boring

I thought about painting today but it was too hard and I am not inspired right now, probably a good thing as I would end up all intense and stuff......

I have read 9 books in 5 days

Going to quack tomorrow to rule out possible infection due to tummy being hot and sore in a couple of spots and me feeling a bit off but no temperature......hmmmm

Arm isn't so numb anymore so that's good anyway.

I am reading blogs but not always commenting!

Tomorrow I will hunt out some art work to photograph......the image files are disappeared I'm afraid......bugger it

Must go read......

AARRGGHHHHH

I think this is the last day I can stand of doing nothing!

I am unsure of drug taking protocol too so have decided to not take any more Endone unless I am in a LOT of pain, which I am not......Panafen will have to do........I hope

I am a bit achy all over today....blah blah blah.....probably drug frikken withdrawals :)

I have eaten enough food to feed a family as well....this must stop

Soon I will explode!

Other than that

I have no news

Boo hoo

Ho hum de dum

This is why where mum lives is called Sunset Point....this is taken off the back veranda....nice.

Wishing I could get out of my own road!

Can anyone tell me why my left arm is a bit numb in a couple of places?? Most noticably around my wrist where the canula was during surgery but also on the outside of my upper arm??? Its also numb around my 'wound site' but thats to be expected I suppose and is lessening each day.

Weird

I feel pretty good, tired but okay, you know. Not too much pain, just a bit and one endone every 5 or 6 hours seems to be doing it for me. Why I'm tired I do not know as I have done nothing but sleep and sit on my soon to be expanding backside.....

I made darlin take me to K mart today and after a half hour drive and a half hour slow trek around the shops I am stuffed.

Oh well......

I would blog something interesting but I can't be bothered....I did have a dream that my cat had two kittens and one was a ginger (and I mean flaming ranger ginger) rednut and the other was black and they both were the ugliest kittens I have ever seen.......

I think the cat may be pregnant.....this would be very sneaky of her seeings as I didn't think she'd even come on heat yet....ever.....and I was waiting for that so I could get her desexed immediately due to our vet saying it was better to wait till they started coming on heat before desexing....hmmmm

So, anyone interested in a really ugly half persian tortiose shell kitten should they eventuate???

The mothertomaybe (naughtytart kitten) is the most gorgeous natured cat I have ever met so that may make up for it.....seriously though, if she is it's a bit of a worry, she is too young at 6 months old I think but she is not tiny so she may be okay. Grrrrrr....she may just be a fat pig too.

Darlin has vacuumed and washed floors and done washing .........good Nobby house elf.

Tahni is down helping Daniel do his house.....it's looking pretty good now after much hard work.

Ummmm.........that's about it really

Yawnnnnnn

Blahblah

I've been sleeping

And eating

and then sleeping some more

My mind says do something

but my body says no way

Maybe in a day or so I will finish my painting??

Or start another??

I can manage the stairs and the driveway just fine :)

So that's good....

I would like all the people to go away now please

I could stand a week on my own

Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaa

Shellibaby is being a bit of a worry......trying to be 25 instead of 15 and thinking she can run away from herself.

Tahni arrived last night.....she tells me to write her a list of jobs I want done.....hee hee she will be sorry for that!

I am boring....

so I think I will go back to bed now

xxx

Standing Ovation

"I do not believe that the accident of birth makes people sisters and brothers.It makes them siblings. Gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood are conditions people have to work at. It's a serious matter.You compromise, you give, you take, you stand firm, and you're relentless...And it is an investment." (Maya A.)



My lovely friend Audrey over at Stage 3 Who Me has gifted me with this Sisterhood Award!

I believe in sister hood with all my heart. It keeps us sane in a world that can be harsh and frightening. Thank you Audrey, for this and for being one of my new friends....its so amazing that we can all hold the light for each other, even from afar!

I would like to pass it on to these women who truely make a difference just by being themselves

Lisa who is my befri, in blogland and in the physical world, she is one of my 'rocks' and I love her to bits

Renee who is a friend of my heart in a way I don't even understand but am grateful for nontheless

Cyndy my blogmuggling pal who always has something valuable to say and is beautiful through and through

Renata because she cares

Gina for being a sweetheart and a soldier and always having something nice to say.





My friend John over at Smoke Rings and Matterings has given me this award too!

Spoilt brat I am.

Thank you John, for sharing your heart with your writing and for being a very nice man.

Passing this one on to Bagman and Butler, because I like him/them and they make me smile a lot.

To Chrisy for entertaining me every single time

To Diane for the same reason

To Audrey because her blog IS fabulous and so is she

I could go on and on and on but I will not. Thank you to everyone who makes a difference in my life each day here.

That means all of you.

Im here now...

Hellooooooo........

I am home

In one piece minus a couple of bits, they DID end up taking my cervix so that was good.

I was in a room with 3 very OLD people, one of whom was a man.

This was very interesting and I have had no sleep longer than a 3 hour stretch since Sunday night

The 95 year old darling in the bed opposite me was not only deaf and had Alzheimers......she SNORED like a train! She must have been 40 kilos wringing wet and yet she created havoc....

So I am home a day early because I will get better faster here!

Aside from pain I am fine, walking about and all that stuff, albeit slowly and carefully.

Thank god for Oxycodone is all I can say.

And Lisa, I was walking straight through your angels every time I turned around which did make me wonder if my pain relief was a little too good till I realised it was energy and not my drugs making me spin a bit.

Somehow they managed to lose my dress and shoes (and underwear!)I went in with so I am a bit peeved about that but not really because they did a great job otherwise.

I will be back later....must read 4000 posts....yay!

ta ta!!

Last night was hilarious

Sort of

At one stage or another the whole family went into meltdown

A bunch of ferocious loonies stressing out and going off sideways

Except me

I just watched in awe!

And waited

And after a while calmly pointed out to some that fear usually manifests itself as anger

And put them to bed with a kiss and a giggle

Then shook my head and went to bed myself

So, now it is 5.45am and I am drinking my coffee down

And being grateful for valium....and wishing the day away......and maybe tomorrow too

I will be back on Friday

All going according to plan of course

Thank you for all your well wishes my friends

Send some calmness to my mum who is having her MRI today and she is claustrophobic!

I will be unconscious so I will be fine :)

Have a great week!!

xxx

Ahem

I won....

Piercings come out in 2 weeks when they are not so raw......

Half a day people

Tooooooo good

Oh for ......sake!!

Well, its Sunday

Tomorrow is the big one

At 1.30 I will be signing in to be chopped up

At 3 I will be chopped up

I assume I will be drugged up and in the ward by about 6 all going well...

Argh

I don't know what's with my children this week

Shelli has come home with 2 lip piercings (snake bites) that I had EXPRESSLY forbidden.....

She now remembers what her mum sounds like when she is yelling at her

She will not take them out even though I have now confiscated her computer, her phone, her
IPod and her social life for the forseeable future......

We will see who wins this one.....I am patient and I am serious

Grrrrrrrr

Soon I will have something resembling a bunch of biker molls taking up all the space in my house

(sorry if you are a biker moll but hey.....my blog :0))

I am going to mums for some serious dinner tonight...belated birthday and my sister has arrived. Tahni will be here tonight and we're having mums famous Chinese Chicken and fried rice...YUMMO.....and cake, musn't forget cake, it's legal on your birthday :)

And anti biotic, musn't forget that either

Fasting from 6am.......I will be up at 4 am for sure to get some coffee in!!!

And valium, musn't forget valium!!!!!!!

I have made the house presentable sort of

There is nothing in the fridge :)

The dog is clipped and washed and baldy looking

The cat is fat......not pregnant I hope :(

I am not packed but am ready to be packed

I have antiseptic soap goop to wash with in the morning

Did I say arrgghhh????

Oh good.....


AAARRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

That's much better

xxxxx

Here is a pic of us at the 21st last weekend

That's me hiding in the background....

My avatar pic was taken 4 years ago.......

I have aged :(

Oh well...that's what happens isn't it!

That's my mum in the front.....looking pretty glam

Happy Birthday tooooo Meeeeeeeeeee

I have a new handbag and wallet!

What a surprise!

And darlin is buying me some paint....a girl can never have too much paint you know

Ahhhhh poo

I have had the pleasure of waking at 3am today :)

Happy birthday to me...whoopee

Been a busy couple of days here

Mum has been in lots of pain, time for some pain management information I guess...Panadol aint gonna do it no more

We really need to get in touch with Palliative Care....but that is too confronting for her yet

I am going to do it anyway after next week

It is time, we need more support here than the hospital and the GP's here are no good. Its too far to go to my doctor in town ....we need local help.

I will be investigating further.

She is very sensitive to pain meds, they knock her out or make her off her face, which is okay except she wants to be coherent and sometimes needs to be. They also are constipating which is a major issue for her since bowel surgery....not needed at all.

She is a pain in the ass because she hates taking pills and would rather suffer than take anymore than she already is. She will change her mind on that soon or else I will have a tantrum.

You will be happy to know I have purchased two more nighties (that is 3 Evil Twins Wife will be pleased to see).....

I came upstairs this morning to find a Happy Birthday Grandpa card next to the laptop.....my K is a funny bunny

Speaking of whom, guess who came home with a tattoo yesterday????

Yes indeed. A black swan on her wrist........she is 17 and no one asked her for ID!

I have thrown up my hands and muttered into the sky ( why I don't know )...........bloody kids

My son's friends in Germany are alright.

I am old today......43........aaarrgghhhh....how did that happen??

I swear I was 30 five minutes ago.

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

snort

I may be back with more drivel later....don't say you were'nt warned

on and on

4 am starts are wearing me down

Yawn

Mind you I got the washing done in the dark this morning and cleaned the bathroom too

How boring....

My dog is going dirt cheap here so, if anyone would like a fully pedigreed black cocker spaniel pain in the butt, feel free to apply........comes with all accessories......except testicles :0)

Just kidding but grrrrrrr to naughty hairballs.

My mother just rang all full of beans because she actually slept the whole night through for the first time in a year!

I will not whinge...at least I go to bed and go to sleep even if I do get up early

Next week I will sleep whenever I want...yay

Today I am tidying up loose ends in this bloody office, as much as possible anyway, and whatever else pops up....

Tomorrow I must go to the tribunal to evict a tenant....this really pees me off, its a really cheap rental and some people are just idiots. I know life gets hard but if they would just communicate and try to do their best then I wouldn't have to go do horrible things to them .......STUPIDS!

ahem

I must be a bit cranky today...I have so far told off various female offspring re the fact that money doesn't grow on trees and that if they would like some then I would like some evidence of an actual helpful or useful effort being made........grumpy old cow I am

Now I must go and yell at people ...well, speak in a firm brook no nonsense type of way......and tell them they must pay rent or they will have to sleep in the park.

I am sick of this place. Who'd ever do it by choice....frik

Seems I am whinging again...oops

Bloody!

MY SON WAS 10 MINUTES AWAY FROM THAT FREAK WHO KILLED ALL THOSE PEOPLE IN GERMANY LAST NIGHT!!!!

10 MINUTES PEOPLE!!!!

HE KNOWS PEOPLE AT THAT SCHOOL!!!!

HE COULD HAVE BEEN IN THAT SUPERMARKET!!!

This may not be coming from a place of unconditional love.

Or understanding or empathy

10 minutes away???

I don't like this world very much sometimes.



GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Top up

Pft!

According to Lisa and Cyndy I will need more nighties.

Okay, I will go swap PJs for feral sleepwear

Guess what!

I am awake!

Seriously, Ive been going since 4 am and I am still feeling a little energetic at 6pm.......3 days ago I would have been asleep in my soup....just goes to show what a little iron deficiency does for you!

My blood test showed I was right at the bottom end of normal with the iron so, almost anemic but not yet.

Pre op went well, they aren't planning on taking my cervix, which is okay really. The trouble I had was 15 years ago and has been all clear ever since .......but I will still have to have yearly PAPs..............fine, I think.

I'd just like it over and done with now thanks.

I bought a handbag and a wallet today, the wallet goes to mum and the bag to the kids, to wrap up and give back to me on Saturday :0).......why not, at least I know I will like my pressie.

What are the side effects of taking steroids????

Mum is not feeling very well since starting them, tummy upset mainly and constipation (sorry squeamies)...is this normal? Or some other bloody thing?? It's hard to know but seems coincidental.......

Anyway, that's it for me today

Goodnight

xxx

Whinesday

Just kidding

No more whinging from me for a while

Yesterday got done

I am not anemic, my iron stores are fairly(very) low though so I'll have to take tablets for a while to get em back up. This has happened before due to prolonged copious bleeding, but after Monday this will not be an issue ever again so, yay!

I wont say more about that as I have noticed that the male species gets awfully uptight about these things and we can't have that can we

Today I get to drive for an hour and a half to have a pre op appointment......such fun

I am up at 4 am, which hasn't happened for the last 4 days. Today it is useful though as I need to be out of here by 7.30........yawn

Left my mother in the office yesterday for the afternoon and she went and sold a house on me! Gotta watch her, she's good at this stuff. Actually, there are a few sales on the horizon hopefully and a new listing which is just as well as we have RUN OUT OF MONEY!

Timely indeed, except these things take time to come through and meanwhile, lucky for credit cards I guess.

The problem with the office is that all the new listings have been going to the other agents in the area as they have been spreading the word about mum being sick....this really sucks but what can you do.

The first home buyers seem to be coming out of the woodwork now and the cheaper properties are selling, but we don't have very many left now so arrgghhh.

Oh well.

I have run out of images to upload onto the art blog....this means I will have to go searching through the house to find out where my absent son has put my stuff! Or take more pics of what I have here......

Maybe I will even get to paint in the coming couple of weeks! Woo hoo

I bought ONE nightie yesterday and a couple of pairs of loose PJ's ....bugger nighties, one will do, I should only need one surely, they can't keep a catheter in for long....can they???? Hmmmm, hospital gowns are good for leaking on anyway, This is not about fashion. Pah!

And I also vetoed slippers, too grandma for me, so I got a pair of beaded thongs (flipflops for you foreign people) that are cute and will do!

I am determined to get a new handbag and wallet out of someone for my birthday.....I may just get them for myself...we don't NEED food for a while do we???? I wont be here to eat it :0)

That's enough drivel for now......I have to go wake girls up for school and all that stuff.....groan

Have a nice day lovely people.....smile at someone today! It's good for you.

SUPERSUPERSUPERMEEEEE

I can do super hero!

The top one is my Christmas card from my CSV .........she sees me this way obviously






The next one I made up myself, thanks to Gina and Toni starting a silly trend

Iron tablets make me feel sick

Must be my personal kryptonite......

Have a busy day ahead...doctors and nightie shopping for me, counselling for Shellibaby, numerous tenant related crap to do before the end of the week.

Of course they are all mucking up because I wont be here for a while....grrrrr

Anyhow, I better fly, or swim or something........

HAHAHAHAHA

Unfriggingbelievable

I went to the doctors 4 weeks ago, to have a blood test to make sure my iron levels weren't down before surgery

I rang last week as I hadn't heard from them and was told a nurse would ring me back

I rang today because I hadn't heard, just to check up in case.....because of course they would have rang me wouldn't they if I needed iron

Guess what.

My iron levels are down and now I have a whole 6 days to get them up

I am a tad miffed

Now I have to go see the quack tomorrow AS WELL AS EVERYTHING ELSE.....

ahem

also

the hospital rang

they have booked mum in for her very important planet aligning MRI

on MONDAY

yes, my surgery day

This will be good...

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

In spite of how this may all sound I am actually laughing my head off here....

for craps sake

snort!


I love my life

Really I do

No wonder I'm so tired!

xxxx

Ummmmmmm

I changed the time setting on my other blog and now all my posts seem to have disappeared????

WTF????

Hopefully cyberspace will put them back soon.

Oh dear.

We will see wont we.....

Today is windy with some sun and maybe some rain too by the looks of it.

No snow though YAY.

I don't know how people live in the snow, I don't do really really cold very well

I am a temperate weather type of girl, even 10 degrees celcius is too cold for me.

Darlin is at home this morning doing some slaving for me...most excellent. Though he may just be feeling guilty due to the fact that he has been here for exactly 3 days in the past 3 weeks and he knows I am a tad pissed about this??? My idea of support is a bit more physical than a phone call at the moment.

Teenage girls are pigs are they not

and hairy too...where does all the hair come from???

And why can they not see the hair in the bath and shower???

Its pretty obvious really when the plughole is looking like a small animal has climbed in there.

I have a whole dogs worth of hair under my table.......soon it will all band together and then there will be two naughty puppies for me to yell at....grrrrrrr

I am not doing any work this weekend, stuff it, its my birthday for one and I will probably benefit from not being exhausted when I go in for surgery on Monday next so that is that.

(Stop stressing Renee)

Why am I scraping paint off windows??? Because it is there and it is ugly and we are making them turn into varnished timber windows instead of paint encrusted yuks.

I was deluged by CSV's yesterday as they came for a visit en masse and this is not a nice experience when one must sit them all in the dirt in the front yard of an empty house with no refreshment and you look like an alien with oven cleaner in your hair and paint up your nose...trust me on this okay....Tahni WILL pay!

I am avoiding things I need to do so I'd better go do them now.

Bloody office.

PAH

xxx

Sunday

Oh what a weekend....

Last night my mother, my daughters and I went to my little brothers girlfriends 21st birthday party. The lovely Louise .......she looked beautiful, my girls looked pretty schmick, I need a haircut.

We were there for 5 minutes and I was ready to leave......

(note to self, don't ever wear high heels again!)

Today was spent scraping paint off windows, yes again, and painting bathroom tiles.......my arm hurts and I have paint up my nose for no good reason but the house is getting there slowly but surely.

I am not feeling crappy anymore, just tired and uninspired.

This will pass.

My house is still a pigsty

The washing is clean but not folded or put away

The dog stinks and has dandruff

I need a maid

NOW

Oh well.......better go tell myself to get off my butt then .......grrrrrrrrrr

Sorry to be boring but some days that's just the way it is.

xxx

Conversation with me

Me: I feel crappy today

me: Get over it

Me: But why can't I have a break...

me: chuckle

Me: Really!!!

me: LOLOLOLOLOL

Me: GRRRRRRRR

me: snort

Awards and stuff

Many thanks to the lovely Cynthia over at Oasis Writing Link for this award today.

I'd like to pass it on to

Faith at Stones from my Heart, because she is brave

Audrey at Stage 3, Who Me, because she is too and she tells a good tale

Renee at Circling My Head, because she touches so many

and

Bagman and Butler because he/they is/are funny and sweet and give me headaches

Please pass it on as and if you see fit.


Onto daily drivel, I am, after yet another 4 am wake up, extremely tired.

The giant sandwich I ate with the witches of Waratah at lunchtime didn't help matters and now I am swollen and tired and cranky and a bit downish.

Been one of those days I suppose.

I really really need a day off

To myself

Just to sleep

Not to paint walls or party or talk or play

Just sleep and bludge and stuff

No kids, no parent, no siblings, no pets, no man, no nothing

Its been WEEKS....

Groan whinge bitch and moan

YAWN

s'cuse me

xxx

Perspective..

I've been watching a few people struggling with blogging lately

I must say that I really don't 'get it'....

I started blogging a few years ago because my very good friend was and it was fun

It gave us a way of staying in touch and sharing our lives without the need for incessant phone calls, which I hate, and you could do it in your own time and say what you thought and how you felt and if someone wanted to contribute, well great, if not, so what.

I still blog for these reasons but these days, with my being rather isolated from my friends, it has become somewhat more important to me, it is a life line almost and allows me to keep up relationships that may well fall by the wayside otherwise, because I just do not have the time to travel to see those who I would wish to anymore.

It also enables me to spit my dummy if I feel like it, share my 'stuff', meet new people, widen my horizons and gives me an outlet that is just mine and not anyone else's.

Lately I have gone beyond my normal group of friends and have been honoured to meet many more bloggers and I am loving that feeling of universal communication and the spirit of all the different personalities coming together.

I feel so lucky to have found a way to expand myself through all of you. I do believe that this was intended by someone, somewhere, and that that is the reason why this blogger thing exists. I find it greatly inspiring.

There have been a couple of times that blogging has upset me but that was short lived and pointless I found. The benefits far outweigh the negatives in my mind.

It matters not if someone doesn't see me the way I do.

That's not what it's all about.

It's about communication for me, and sharing stuff, and being able to make a difference sometimes, and knowing I am not alone.

It's not about 'owning' people or competing for 'fans' or any of that stuff...if it became that way for me I would hope I got out of here.

People come and people go and that's the same as anywhere else.

This is a special place for many of us.

Don't let the few spoil it for you.

It's worth more than that to me.

What's it worth to you?

Amazing

Are you feeling down??

Go watch THIS.....

It made me cry with a smile on my face.

Amazing.

Life in general

Goodness

I have woken at about 4 am every day lately.....its getting annoying

The past week has been a bit of a whirlwind, the office has been quite busy (shock horror!) and we had month end to prepare for and then do. One of the sales fell over but that is how it goes. I may have another, much BIGGER one, which would be timely and nice. Several percent of half a million will keep us out of the fire for a little while.......hmmmmm

We will see.

Mum goes for her cardiogram thingo today, the MRI may take a bit longer as there have to be certain specific alignments of the planets in order for it to happen quickly, apparently.....

Mum herself is in better spirits this week. I think now that the cancer is on the move so is she in a funny sort of way, she has organised for her house to go on the market, with the competition of course, as its too hard to do yourself, and is thinking seriously about other such stuff. The steroids they put her on seem to have made a difference to her energy levels too, early days but she walked somewhere instead of driving yesterday, and it was only across the road and back!

I am realising that I have surgery myself in 11 days! I am not worried about it at all which is a bit weird, it just feels so piddling next to everything else happening around here. I haven't actually had a proper surgery before, just little things, but I handled anaesthetic alright so I presume I will this time too. I'm looking forward to some time out and hoping I'm not in very much pain after the initial body shock. I have a pretty high pain threshold so fingers crossed.

I did realise that I do not own a nightie! Or a pair of slippers! Hmmmmm.......better get a couple I guess, catheters and pyjama pants may not mix.

Grrrrr......

Any advice on what to expect will be gratefully received.

And its my birthday next Saturday the 14th too...43 years old I will be. And feeling 60. Sigh.

My house is a goddamn pigsty!

How to find the time to fix that before I go to hospital will be a tricky thing.

Better get some slaves in I think.....

Looks like Helen is having a baby today!

How exciting! A new life.

I did wonder if I should be feeling sadness at the loss of my womb.....but I'm not you know.

It has done it's job and done it well and now it needs to go before it causes me anymore strife. And that is that. I will not bleed to death every month for the next 8 years if I don't have to, and I will not carry a growing uterus the size of a pregnancy without a baby in it either. No way.

And having had pre-cancerous cells there years ago, I will be happy to see the end of my cervix as well!

So, that is that....

Now, how will I get up the damn driveway?

I shall have to run a rope up it and pull myself up!

aargghhhh

Have a nice day!

The hard stuff

Seems to be lots of us going through some bloody hard 'stuff' right now.

I would like to write a deep and meaningful post to help everyone through it but you know, I can't.

Poeple can only help themselves.

Hard stuff is just stuff that needs to be gotten through.

One day at a time.

I can however say that there is ALWAYS the other side to head towards.

Even dying has another side.

I believe that this life is not the 'only'.

I believe that when we die we do indeed go somewhere, and that this life here is only a tiny part of what we experience in our journeys.

I don't believe in hell, in any of its portrayals.

I believe we can create our own hell right here, but we can uncreate it too.

I believe we are never given more than we can handle, it just feels like it sometimes.

I believe that we are guided should we choose to listen.

I believe in miracles even though they don't usually come in the forms we may find appropriate.

I believe that in order to find peace we must look inside ourselves and not outside.

I believe that all of you will fight your battles as best you know how.

And that some of you will realise that fighting is not the answer, surrendering is.

And vice versa...

Life is a funny thing but always, interspersed with the shit, there are nuggets of gold.

The trick is to see them and hold them and be here in this now.

This now is all we have.

Tomorrow is not here yet and yesterday is long gone.

Just do today people.

It is enough.

xxxx

Gifts from the universe

I have had a couple of rather amazing things happen today

Through this blog I have been touched

I got a card in the mail from a beautiful lady whose heart I can feel from the other side of the world

Another beautiful soul has chosen to share some incredible writing with me

Both of these things have lifted my spirits and made me remember that my world is not totally full of problems, that my mother will always be with me and that my life is full of things that matter.

That I matter

And to remind me that the future is just waiting for me to write it

And for me to choose who will be in it

Thank you to those people for these gifts today

You know who you are and your spirit's just BEAM....

xxx

argh

Location Location Location

Real estate ain't my vocation

Vendors and buyers

Wood versus glass

Envisioning tenants...

WITH MY FOOT UP THEIR ARSE





Somebody kill me quick

AAAARRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

xxx

Part 2 is up...

Part 2 of the story is up over at Johns place.

Go see!

I am enchanted by this man's writing....

Onto more mundane things

I am absolutely exhausted

My day of rest (HAHAHAHAHA) was spent scraping paint off windows and scrubbing and priming tiles and driving into town and back (twice) and it has worn me to a frazzle

I forgot I had certain muscles......

My little brother has just bought a house and we must have it ready for tenants as soon as possible

I will be out of commission for heavy work after my hysterectomy in 2 weeks time so we are slaving...aarrghhhh

But I quite enjoyed doing it....not enjoying the aftereffects however

Kayla went, with some friends, down to the zoo in Sydney for part of her birthday celebrations...she had a ball ...I had to be the taxi of course

Mum is trying to be positive but has deflated quite a bit

To be expected I suppose, too much to not look forward to

I will be back later I hope

Month end today

AAAAAAARRRGHHHHH

Somebody save me!!

Honoured and pleased

John has given me the Dardos Award:

an award given for recognition of cultural, ethical, literary and personal values transmitted in the form of creative and original writing.

These stamps were created with the intention of promoting fraternization between bloggers, a way of showing affection and gratitude for work that adds value to the Web.

Thank you John.

Its only 5.30 am here so I will pass it on later when i am awake :0)

I am very busy ferrying children and scraping paint off windows and things today.

I will be back later......I think

xxxx