Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Feeling a bit blah today.

Mum is going for her bone scan and I KNOW it wont be good news, not that we will know today of course.

Things are piling up here.

Shellibaby is feeling crappy, the med's don't seem to be holding her now and she is obsessing about cutting again. I don't know what to do for her. I just have no idea. Sometimes it is too fucking hard.

My 'time off' is pretty much over now......I feel okay physically, still need to take it easy but feeling much stronger than a week ago. I am getting random cramps in my leg muscles and a strange pain/twinge in my left shoulder, not bad but just there and feeling rather high along the anxiety scale but that's okay I suppose. I can deal with it.

I want to know how to 'fix' my kid! Writing a story is not going to help her now, it may be a nice idea and be a nice thing for her to compare notes with in the future sometime but for now she needs something I don't seem to be able to give her. Like hope and guts and determination.

I had to put her on the 'pill', for obvious reasons....this was not a decision made lightly but a necessary evil. I wonder if it is interfering with her meds though, even though they said it should'nt. This kid is in such a hurry to grow up and is so irresponsible and impulsive she scares me. She has no motivation, and any she does manage to gather just dissipates in a moment.

I look at this child, with her scars and her big blue eyes and her utter confusion and I despair at times.

I want to slap her silly and also to put her in a glass cage on a big soft cushion to sleep for about 5 years till she is a little more grown up.

I haven't got time to deal with it all properly. I wouldn't know how to if I did have more time. There is too much coming just over the horizon and I worry that I will miss something vitally important and somehow end up burying my daughter along with my mother. Sounds awful doesn't it but it is a possibilty. This kid is much like me with more shit to deal with than I had at her age......it took me such a long time to heal, and I was lucky I did. She tells me she is not me, and she isn't but oh she is, she is.

I worry that she will just take off into the unknown, as I did at 16, and put herself through untold crap for nothing, as I did. I worry I worry I worry.

But for now, I will put a lid on it, and go to work and hold the friggen fort and do what is in front of me.

In the end, it's all I can do isn't it.



Anonymous said...

Oh Michelle, my heart is breaking! Shellibaby sounds so sad, and that is making her Mamma sad. She also sounds afraid - growing up is SO scary, and there are so many temptations ou there. I wish that I could do something to help both of you. I wish that I had magic words or magic wands or whatever. Be strong. My heart is with you.

Lisa said...

Shelli's timing is ( like most teenstrangers) right off.
Does it tie in with you being unwell maybe ?
remember too that although physically you are feeling OK, you are still not 100%- chances are the little cow is reacting to that as well.......
I have no words dear friend , only a shoulder and an ear.
we are coming up to take you to lunch on Thursday and will bring tissues and valium..........
call me if you need me xx

Chrisy said...

ooh honey...you're going through so much...but you're doing everything right...just loving her...and being honest with her...and never forgetting how you felt when you were her age...

Natalie said...

I'm with Audrey, it is an awful feeling not being able to help you with any suggestions. So awful for you, I know....enormously hard - on so many levels.

I would definitely investigate the pill, remember what hormones did to a friend of yours a few years back? It sounds chemical to me.xx♥Big love to mum, and mum and babygirl.

Butler and Bagman said...

I identify with you sometimes so much it's weird. But I'm getting better at turning it over to a higher power sort of thing. I had such a happy weekend with son and his family. We went target shooting with a .357 magnum and I never told him that I actually bought it five months ago because of the type of people his in-laws were and the type of people he was hanging around with. At the time I literally never thought I'd see him again we were fighting so badly. He tore up our Christmas card and sent it back! And last night he was hugging me like he hadn't done since he was 10. So don't lose hope. Glad you are feeling better. Life is a challenge!

Butler and Bagman said...

PS: I still think your artwork is some of the most beautiful stuff I've seen on the net or anywhere else.

Snowbrush said...

I guess she knows of your screw-ups when you were her age, but kids somehow hold onto the notion that it will turn out differently for them. I have no advice at the moment. Hell, all I've ever raised were dogs.

Dragonesque said...

Thinking of you and sending you and all of your family prayers of strength and love.
Blessings and *hugs*,

Sarah Lulu said...

Oh Michelle, sending much love and prayers. SO tough for you to be feeling so fragile yourself and so powerless over the circumstances that surround you.

I have found that even though I am a specialist children's counsellor and I see a couple of cutters a day probably, in the end it's up to something bigger and more important than I am ...everything is.

I can only do my best, simple actions ...pray ..let go ...repeat.

Thinking of you.

Sarah Lulu xxx

Anonymous said...

Your daughter's issues may be all about power and control (?) and feeling that she has lack of them - I am probably saying something obvious or am completely off course - I saw a lot of girls her age turn to anorexia to get a grip on their issues over power and control ( skewed as it was ).
There used to be a really good youth counsellor at Jesond Neighbourhood centre who helped me with Monika. You are right to feel that yo need to do something about it.My first instinct would be ..well, its a faze and she will get over it, but I have seen too many get into a cycle of eating disorders or other stuff that can then go on for years...I would try to nip it in the bud now with something, counselling? work? ( a part time job maybe )has your older daughter had any ideas? w.w.

Michelle said...

She is in counselling ww...she doesn't work with them. She is not very receptive right now either so I don't fruggen know.

Myst_72 said...

I think you are making all the right decisions on the Michelle.
Especially with regards to the pill.
It's being realistic - that's what so many parents don't seem to get a handle - realism!
It may take a while for her moods to settle, but it could actually help, if it's the right pill for her.

All you can do is be there for her.
It's so hard though, I know.
All I ever wanted was understanding at her age....


nollyposh said...

Geez i wish i had something wise to say... but i know it's just so bloody hard! When my daughter had anorexia i thought it would never end, but it did because she is stubborn and strong deep down, like me and something tells me that you two chickies are the same... You can only tell her what went through your head when you were her age (What REALLY went through your head!)the truth and tell her where it lead you, what you learn't and how she doesn't need to do this too, then hug her and tell her you will love her always no matter what... You are her best counselor because you know her best... Teach her ways to relax physically and spend time with her, eventually she will start talking... i used to sit my stiff, angry, silent daughter in a warm bath every night with lavender oil in it and sit beside her, even though i had other small kids banging on the door and a husband that stayed late (and i mean REAL late at work every night to escape), and i just told her all the stuff that happened in my head when i too had an eating disorder... Then one day she started talking to me and that was the begining of the healing road... Keep swimming, change counselors if they don't click... i know it feels like drowning, i am with you in spirit sista xox

Cyndy said...

Oh ... crap.... Michelle...... she's fighting the "growing up" thing tooth & nail. And kids are so blind when it comes to consequences.... You, me & every other parent in the world couldn't possible know or understand.......
With Shelli & your Mum, there is only so much that you can do. But you know this already. And it's so hard to put your complete trust in others when it comes to the ones that you love.

I'm a little more familiar with pain relief and stuff now that I have spent a couple of days in the field (ahem..... I have books...) if I can help with your mum, let me know, & we'll see if I learned anything.


Renee said...

Michelle your are having more than your share right now. Way more than your share.

If your Mom is sore and her bones ache, then you are probably right and maybe it is a good thing to expect the worse. And if it is in her bones than she can take pamidronite like I did yesterday to help the bones. It is not a chemo and you don't get sick but it is a slow intravenous over a few hours.

She can deal with that. It is the nature of the beast and we will just do what we need to do. She and I both have stage 4 and so we know what that means. She will be okay.

You can't hold her up Michelle and that isn't your job.

It is Shellibaby I am so sorry about. She is at a hard age. Is there a treatment place she can go to to help her with her feelings. Poor sweet baby girl.

Make sure to tell the doctor about your leg cramps, they worry about those because of blood clots.

I wonder if how you can fix you kid is just by being; being with her like you are. 900 times down and 901 times up.

I am sure that Shellibaby has guts and determination and maybe she has just lost sight of hope.

It sounds like she needs to be on the pill and maybe that is an okay thing.

Can you share the load with anyone Michelle. I know you have your dear Lisa, but is there anyone else that can help take Shellibaby under their wing. Maybe someone can help you take her to appointments and be there with her.

You cannot do it all Michelle.

I wish this all wasn't happening, but I also know that means nothing. We can wish it all we want.

You are a good mother Michelle, you know about the cutting and that is the best part because now you can help her.

Love you and sending you special love today.

Love Renee xoxo

Renee said...

Michelle I was just thinking that maybe you are ahead of so many people with your daughter.

You are truthful and that allows her to be. We sometimes have to be silent too, so that we can hear.

Love Renee xoxo

Jen said...

OMG 'chelle... so much going on for you. You must be sooo exhausted.

Remember that you have friends to help hold you up and we will be there for you every step of the way.

These kids.... i know. They are certainly a breed unto themselves.....

lots of love and hugs


Vevay Anderson said...

I don't know what to say. My stomach is churning remembering my own experiences with self mutilation, knowing how badly I hurt my mother.

Please have them re evaluate her meds. Of equal importance is that she actually takes them as prescribed.

Love to you and to Shelli

Glain said...

Hi Michelle,
All you can do for Shelli is get her the help that she needs (weekly therapy, regular psychiatrist appointments etc.) and the rest is really upto her. Meds can be very helpful for some people but it's not everything (As I'm sure you know). I guess it really depends what exactly her diagnosis is.
I do know that if I had supportive parents such as yourself while I was going through very similar issues at her age things would have been much easier. All you can do is support her and be there for her. Getting angry at her isn't going to help at all (although you have every right to your feelings). She needs unconditional love right now, along with regular (I'd recommend weekly) therapy, as well as seeing a psychiatrist regularly too.
The most effective way to deal with self harm in the beginning is through distraction. Distracting from her self harm urges while working through the reasons behind why she self harms in therapy is the best way to go.
I'd keep an eye out for other addictions as well. They tend to go hand in hand especially when you get a hold on one of them, another one takes its place. I'd keep an eye out specifically for an eating disorder and substance use.
Shipping her off to hospital every time she has a self harm urge may not be the best thing either because she will get used to being in hospital and start to rely on it. It also positively reinforces self harming with attention and care. Of course safety comes first, but I'd try to avoid hospital as much as possible.
Now that was a rant! I hope I haven't offended you in any way by offering my advice. I may as well share my experience with others as it may help.