Tuesday, June 02, 2009

pondering my navel....

I've had reason, in the past couple of days, to remember some stuff from the 'past'.

One of the things I recalled was the first time one of my exes punched the crapper out of me and I went to a counselor to sort him out! Here was this beautiful curly kid, propped up in the chair, with bleeding eyes and a willingness to change....him.

Silly girl me.

God, how young I was....and I wonder what would have happened in my life if I had kept going back, for ME, instead of walking away discouraged because she coudn't help him with me sitting in the chair.....kind of funny now, in a poignant stab you in the heart kind of way :)

This led me to contemplate all the years I wasted waiting for other people to change, into what I thought they were, rather than me just being able to accept that I had made a mistake...and move on before damage control became necessary.

One of the biggest gifts that sobriety has given me has been clarity.

Mind you it took a while......:)

A while and quite a few examples from my 'betters' that taught me, in a roundabout arsy type of way, about what was what when it comes to living truth and being honourable......like my sponsor showing me the way of loyalty and friendship and honour by trying to crack on to my partner just after I'd done my 5th step which involved quite a few episodes of betrayal.....ah, life is funny isn't it.

It occurs to me that we need to live the shadow side of ourselves in order to get to the true light side......that we can't really know what shadow is, or what light is, until we compare them for ourselves, side by side, in our hearts, not on paper.

Or maybe I just needed to learn the hard way, because that's what the god's and I lined up for me for some reason......

And in my ponderings on these things, it also occurs to me that maybe I don't need to search for the meaning of life, you know...because I find it every day, just by living it fully present and accepting it for what it is on any given day?


Perhaps the 'meaning of life' is not such a mystery after all, and we should be sitting still in our hearts and letting it come to us instead of running around chasing the illusion.....




Well, its just not something you can go out and find now is it......

Darkness seductively beckons

And the light is blinding my eyes

Will I dive into the shadows this life


Float on up to the light

Or will I just stand there in the middle

And weep


Diane said...

Wow. Beautiful post. I like the idea of "sitting still in our hearts" and not chasing the (ever elusive) meaning. I might just try that! xo

Natalie said...

Yep, she was not a good friend to you, and an even worse sponsor.Disgusting.
I came to the conclusion of sitting still last year, Chelle.It still comes to me, spirit and lessons and wisdom - they all still know where to find me. Your everyday moments WILL learn you and grow you, have no doubt about that. Anyway, everything we need to know can be found inside ourselves, there is no need to run after it.
You are right about the shadow and the light - absolutely spot on.

I have read no spiritual books for four years now, and yet, my connection is as strong, if not stronger than it ever was.

Be still, what is yours will surely come to you.


Michelle said...

Ahhh, Nats... I am speaking from experience not new discovery :)

Reminding myself is a good thing.

It is nice to reflect at times and to share the reflection so that someone looking newly into the mirror may see through the fog a little.

But you know that :)


Strawberry Girl said...

Hey Chelle' I have a little comic strip that I cut out at 16, shows the feelings that I have had my whole life.

I am in the middle of a gigantic mess that I didn't create!! Every day for the past two years it has been there. It's funny because I have been here before... serendipity.

Since I have decided to sort it out though and keep going, what I really need to do is get a grip and not let myself get taken advantage of. It's crazy!! I am going to print out your post because it rings true to me. :D

Bogey said...

Reflecting back also reminds you of your your journey and your growth. There is a great book out there by Christopher Kennedy Lawford called, 'Moments of Clarity'...I think you might like it. Or not. You are one tough Cookie! ;) xx

christopher said...


Life is hard, in fact it is a real bitch! and then you die.

Well...There is all this other stuff in the middle that gives it all freaking COLOR.

Sober = Son Of A Bitch Everything's Real.

Love you, girl. You do understand how it is really good to be able to go here, so long as you don't get stuck here.

And when you are really grown up then you can stand in your own grief and survive it with some dignity intact, and then help others. :)

Oh yea, sometimes there is overwhelming happiness. At the same time. Now the first time I had that I felt a little wierd. I am used to it now.

Which reminds me, may the bluebird of happiness not shit in your hair.

Anonymous said...

There is a buddhist meditation I use that says:

Chasing after the world
Brings chaos
Letting it come to me
Brings peace

It is said with a breathing exercise. Your post reminded me of it a lot.


Evil Twin's Wife said...

I needed to read this today. Thank you!

Lisa said...

i love when you reflect- you have come so far maryme x

Cyndy said...

The light bulb moments are worth waiting for <3

Debbie said...

I just love your honesty and openness! You are a treasure.

Anonymous said...

Red Mother

Renee said...

Michelle this is extraordinarily beautiful. All of it.

I have always felt that women fall in love with the potential of a person instead of the reality and I find that is a very dangerous thing.

How things may have been different if you had stayed that day for you.

But the reality is you didn't and here you are now.

I think you are amazing.

Love Renee xoxo

mo.stoneskin said...

I thought everyone knew that the the meaning, the answer, was 42.

Seriously though, reflection is a good thing and something I could benefit from doing more of.

Linda S. Socha said...

This is a beautiful and totally on target post.

I think so many women...me being one of them....spent way too much time dealing with potential in the men they loved and even in the friends they found and losing the reality of today.

I don't know how old you are...you look 25 or so ....but I can tell the refletions are real
I wish you a reality you love loving in

Barry said...

Wow, that got surprisingly heavy very quickly. I was just contentedly contemplating your navel when I found myself facing some very stark choices.

Well, I can tell you this, I ain't standing in no middle weeping!