Balance

Sometimes you just have to ask for what you want.

And sometimes you have to say no to what someone else wants.

Both of these things are okay..

Just add water.....

Am feeling a little pensive this morning

Yesterday turned into the month end from hell day and I was still at work after 7 pm.....worst thing about all that was it was MY mistake that made it bad. Ahhhh, shit do happen :)

I'm off to the jazz concert today, I hope it's a fun day. I could use a fun day.

So, pensive yes?

I am in this place where I am expecting nothing much. I find it a little weird to just be going with the flow and seeing where it leads without having a preconceived notion of what it all might look like later on. It actually doesn't even matter about later on.

Today is what matters right now.

So, I guess I am back in my slightly detached observers box, which is fine by me, as long as I get to laugh a little.

I know what I mean.....

I have been a bit too busy for my liking this week and I am behind on my bloggy stuff. If I haven't been to see you ....well, I will get there eventually.

Meanwhile, I'm off to pack a picnic!

Woot!

On setting boundaries....

Artist: Kathy Hare

It's been an interesting week

One in which I have been exploring my boundaries I guess

Having a little think about where I will and won't go in regards to 'love', sex, relationships....that stuff

Pondering the things I want out of life

A point that I have gotten to in all this self exploration I have been forced into this past couple of months?

Well the point is that I am willing to go put myself out there, I am willing to try a new thing and yeah, I am willing to be up front and honest.

What I will not do is fall down for anyone.

I will not put my self in a space I don't feel safe in.

I will not feel less than anyone because they know more than me and I will NOT settle for less, full stop.

So, that should make life interesting shouldn't it

:D

Why not say yes and other unrelated things....

Oh my god, I am a zombie!

Been up half the night and after a few late nights this week I am now whacked....

And now I have to go sit in the hairdressers for hours and get coloured :(

On a bright note, I am going out this weekend

To a Jazz Festival!

I might like that a lot.

I am also having lunch with my befri today....

The sun is not shining but I have hopes for it yet....

Life is interesting this week....

and I am tired, boring and did I say tired?

yawnnnnnnnn

Revisiting ......

sometimes
the rain on my face
reminds me of you
and all the tears I never cried
only to be blown away in a fragment
of a convoluted prayer
that someone else was praying


and I wonder
just how much
of me got caught up in you
and what it was you wanted
when you said it was me
what you did when I went away
and left you there


the rain falls gently on my face
washing you away
giving me back
to myself
free
to give myself again
and pray my own prayer

Looking out my window.....

Somebody once went to the trouble of finding me this little image, that was a nice thing.
I dunno what happened to him just lately though.
I guess it matters not.

God, I am getting a bit over this really working caper :)

Did you see the lovely Renee put my art on her blog???

This made me smile....

I am having a rather contemplative week this week, in that I seem to be forced to look at stuff with brutal honesty, and that's okay I suppose.

I always get what I ask for don't I???

Except for maybe one thing just lately but I am accepting the possibility that this was not going to be for my highest good...but damn I wanted it .....sigh.

Oh well......I will pick me back up and walk on, what choice do I have???

None really. I just like to fight it at times, this what's good for me stuff.

I have been offered a ride on a very nice motor bike that I have accepted for some time soon!

How cool will that be! Woooooh!

The world is a funny place people, and I have decided that I will just do what's in front of me, go with my gut feelings and get myself out there.......life is too short to worry about how big your arse is and other such trivia. I figure (and yes, I am being a knob head here, I can do that sometimes) that while I'm busy worrying about that crap I am missing out on good things that might be trying to happen.

I miss laughing.....

That is all really.

Do you ever wonder if you are smart enough?

I'm going to stop doing that.

I also really need to stop swearing.......

sigh

In a world that prefers illusion..........

just started

Yesterday I was so angry I thought I could explode

Today I am just sad.

I really really hate sad....

So, what am I sad about?

Broken dreams I guess, all those what if's that don't usually get a mention but still linger somewhere.....all those times you think oh yeah and then it turns to shit in a moment.

Me, I grieve for me, that me that used to be a lot happier and also a lot more ignorant. Yeah I am grateful for the knowledge and the so called wisdom but I don't know if I didn't like it better when I knew not......

Expectations, my expectations and where they lead me......I always expect other people to be coming from the same space as me, which is pretty stupid really. I still can't see why not though. What is wrong with being upfront and saying what you think, or what you feel? What is wrong with just saying yes or bloody no? Sometimes it is kinder to be a little cruel than to keep someone hanging around for nothing. I include me in all of that, from both sides of the coin.

I'm just sitting here in my kitchen, it is cold this morning and the rain looks to be here for the day at least. I ponder strength. Mine. My seemingly fucking infinite supply and I wonder is it really strength or is it just plain 'dunno what else to do but hang on and hope?'

I lean toward the latter....are they the same damn thing?

I am taking mum for a CT scan today......I don't want to know the results and neither does she.....then next Monday is Oncology and then she is going to Byron for a week or so.
Yeah, I get a break and have no clue what to do in it.
Right now having time to just sit around feels attractive and yet dangerous too.........

So, it is raining and cold outside and yeah, it's a little like that inside too today.

I will get over it I am sure.

I'd like to feel shiny again....

oh yeah....

I would die to see this woman sing live!

"Hallelujah"

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.......

I am at a point right now where I am seriously wondering if I actually know anything at all?

If I can 'read' people right?

I am totally fucking confused by a particular person I have interacted with lately.

But aside from that.........

Can I actually even hold a conversation anymore?

I seem to have lost so much of my previously held opinions and beliefs that I don't even know if I could sit down and hold up my end of a discussion, were anyone to choose to have one with me.

I feel like I am invisible.

Like I have turned into this completely different person over the last year or so and I don't know how to 'speak' her.

I don't know if this is normal or if this is just weird or me being melodramatic or what.

I just do not know.

Who the fuck am I??

Outside of this blog page, will the real Michelle please stand up.....

Do I have anything to say?

Does anybody actually care?

Really truly care what makes me tick?

Can I actually expect them to?

Is the point that I am supposed to come to the point where I see that, when it all boils down to it, I am the only one who actually gives a shit about me?

Am I so used to seeing myself through 'other' eyes that I can't see me without them?

I don't think so.

I think enough of myself to say to you, should you choose to disregard me in such a way as you did today, that you can well and truly go get stuffed......I don't need that shit, or you, in my life.

And I will tell you something else....I feel like I am holding on by the skin of my teeth most days lately and that my hand is actually squeezing the scruff of my neck to keep me from falling down on the damn ground. That's how I really feel, if you should care to know, for at least a part of every day. How I am not smoking or running screaming to the nearest bar is beyond me. I may well go hunt out a meeting before this month is through. 3 years it's been, maybe I need to do that.

Maybe I do......but not the old ones, oh no, might have to give AA a whirl this time.

Because sometimes I just can't do it all by myself.

Carry on......

Still grateful

Still hopeful

and still smiling

Happy Sunday people!!

Saturday dreaming....

Today I will be grateful for

3 am starts (NOT)

cool weather that gets rid of heat rash

treadmills that slowly burn arse, too slowly but what do I expect after two days?

ummmm

Long black dresses

curly hair

paint

and you

yes, you

:)

Frikday again.....

I got nuthin'

Little ginger kitten died and made everyone sad today.

But that's not why I got nuthin'....

I'm just tired after a week of not not sleeping properly, at least that's what it feels like.

I am grateful for offers of friendship

for weekends on the beach that may happen soon

for my treadmill that I burned up this morning (ahem, well, maybe not burned....)

for my kids

sons who wash up straight after dinner when it is their turn

for chocolate

for Movical (long story and an on going mum saga)

for Endone

for air conditioning

for lightening storms that look really cool

for life

I am not grateful for 4,500 files that need me to make them all happen this week

Nope, not for that at all

:)

Gratitude with attitude.....

still going...

I keep being told I must be alone to grow into myself, to accept myself, to learn to love myself....just as I am.

Fair enough I guess. I agree in my heart of hearts....

Well, there are actually lots of things I love about myself, and also lots of things I'm not too fond of either.

The place I have gotten to with this is that hey, I have actually been ALONE here for the last 2 years, yeah? I have been spending the bulk of my time in a small airless box of an office with only the occasional adult to talk to. I use the term adult loosely......

I spend all of my time surrounded by people yes, I have teenage children who are constantly home due to the fact that we don't live near any of their friends, so no, Idon't get much time out from any of them, or from my mother and my brother. There is often family here and so that takes up my time too.....

I am actually kind of appreciating the shopping centre as it is my excuse to get away from them all. Not that I don't love them dearly, but ............

So yeah, I would LIKE for someone to come along and take me out sometimes.

To have a laugh with me, to go bloody fishing with me.....anything really, to get me out of my head and into the sunshine, moonlight, whichever applies.

Yes, I can do this myself but I don't, there is always something else to do...

I don't actually NEED the love of my damned life to come floating along right now, I wouldn't have the time or the damned energy for him anyway :)

I am grateful to know this about me.

I am grateful for my friends here in real life, who love me and let me know it.

I am grateful for my Kayla who makes me belly laugh and thinks I'm a total sap.....

I am grateful for little tiny kittens even if they are LOUD.......

I am also grateful for past relationships that have taught me lots, so I know what I know now and can maybe find some personal peace on this damn planet soon.

I am grateful for poetry.....

I am grateful for purple...

I am grateful for black candles even though I don't know why......

I am grateful for sunshine and moonbeams.

That is all.

:0)

Just being in today..........with maybe a toe in tomorrow

still not done...

Another busy day ahead for me......at the other office again.

I actually prefer it there, the box is so stifling and isolated......

Hoping for a nice fun day tomorrow.....

Only 6 kittens were born (only!) so I got that wrong didn't I......

Now, to find them a dog proof space, looks like the laundry needs a half door.

I'm feeling strangely vulnerable today. Like I am on the edge of a new thing but I'm not all that sure I'm up to it......

I took mum to the doctors yesterday, for scripts really, but she is not feeling good at all.
So we are trying a low dose steroid for the appetite and also an anti depressant, because she is scared and anxious and it is getting her down.
I hope it works. I wish she would speak to some sort of spiritual advisor or counsellor......she needs to come to a peaceful place around death.....easy for me to say I know, but she does and she isn't and I hate seeing her so scared and little looking.

Anyway, that's where I'm at today......

I feel like I am in the right place but what or where this is, I just don't know.

Maybe it just doesn't matter....

I wish I still had a motor bike some days...

I'd just get on that bike and ride........

Tuesday......

I don't have much to say today

I had a long and busy day at work, in the other office.

It is now officially official that I am working only 3 days a week from next week.....

My cat is in labour...she has had 6 kittens and I can still feel another one......oh gawd, they are so tiny!

They better be cute and fluffy so I can find homes for them....

12 weeks since I had a ciggy!

Argh

Cave Dwelling.....

Image: Picasso - Blue Nude

I am carving a space
Just for me
I lay here in it
the darkness is welcoming
the candle glows softly in the corner
my pieces are strewn
staying where I put them
no one moves them around
loses them carelessly
before I hide them again
I examine closely
pick apart
sew a thread here and there
unpick a wrong stitch
colour a missed spot
touch this soft piece
at my centre
I ponder
the meaning of you

why
why do I even need?
I reflect on lessons taught well
learned slowly
wisdom gained only if used
I know differently
yet still I yearn for you
it is my nature
to be twined
I am not a solitary creature
this much I know of me

Forgive me if I pause
before I lay my heart out

I have less time to waste now

Somethin' on a Sunday.........

In the works....

It was much fun to be out of the house last night, at a pub even, at a party eveeeennnnnn

Lisa and I were hornbags to the extreme and danced wildly in our heads whilst watching funny people from the couch........

It was funny, watching people watching you watching them........

I looked quite nice in my schmick new heels and actually saw a guys jaw drop on the way out .....was hilarious. My jaw dropped a couple of times itself. I forgot about that energy, that 'out for whatever' stuff.....I miss drinking at these times.

So, now it's Sunday and I get to go to mums and hang out with ex husband and his kid for lunch.....sigh

Then I get to come home and paint or watch some bones, burn some CD's so they can be returned to their frantic owner :)

I have decided to paint a series of works, called Acquiring Sanity, and to exhibit them sometime next year.

In Sydney or some other place where I will be noticed.

Because I am an artist and not a real estate agent and this is what I want to say and to create, for me, no more indecision and no more giving a shit about stuff that means NOTHING to me......

So universe, bring on the means.......I'm doing my bit!

It's been nice people

Have a lovely Sunday!

That's it!!!!!!

It's official

I give up

Letting go ................now

I seem to have become stuck lately, in a place where I was imagining my
shit was actually important.
And yeah, it is, but not to the extent I have been making it for myself.

This just made me miserable and needy and kept me side tracked from my PURPOSE right now.

My purpose right now is to help my mother die.
I was just trying to forget.

Tonight I was reminded of this by watching her pain while waiting for drugs to kick in.
I have been absent for a while.
I think I am back now...
Next week I will be telling my 'boss' he only gets 3 days of my week or he can go jump.
Next week I will get my life organised in to something manageable.

Tonight I will throw my hands up and hand it all over to the powers that be..

It's what they are waiting for I know...
so
there you go

Over.

This pity party is officially over.

I'm back.

If not, well, I'll just fake it till I make it people.

That works too :)

Vertigo..........

(click pic for link)

You know when it's windy and you see a leaf being swirled around in it's own little vortex, stuck in a spiders web?

Up and down and spinning round and round and round, yet still anchored to the web?

Well, that's me this week

This is not fun :(

I trust it will be over soon

Thank you Universe!

Thursday is boring but shoes are not.....

I have been indulging in some retail therapy......

I have bought some new shoes

Heels :)

(maybe not quite like these pictured)

I will be swish......

I also may have bought some tops, just to go with the shoes of course......

as you do

sigh

I will be VERY swish.....

Just you wait.

Life in general.....

We watched Mamma Mia last night

So funny and I love Meryl Streep....what a woman!

Now I am itching to have a little fun

I wonder if I'm still capable?

The weird thing about being me right now is that I don't know how to be 43 and single

I don't know how to do the go meet someone new thing

I don't have a drinking, party type life style

I don't want one particularly

Ummm, I don't even have a life style right now :)

Not that am adverse to a night out or anything, or someone else having a drink or two in my company, not at all....

But where do you meet people?

A dilemma to be sure

I am wondering what I will do when all of this is over? Where will I be? Who will I be?

I am wondering what I want......I DON"T want to be in that office after the end of this year, I know that much. Not the way it is that's for sure.

I WILL be painting more and maybe I will go do an art class to get my eye back in

I might like to go back to art school, finish my Diploma?

I dunno really.....

By the end of this week I will have some sort of answer

About something

One would hope.....

Ten weeks without a ciggy now....

Mum is kicking along.

She has no energy, can't bloody breathe, can't eat, is losing weight and tying up her affairs.

That's just the way that is.

I hate it and find it hard to go there some days.......literally.

I go and cook a meal and we all eat it and she has a spoonful and looks pleased with herself for forcing it down.....

This is just my brutal honesty, all about me, I don't want my mum to die.

Who will I be without her?

Who will I blame?

Who will be my 'safe place'???

How will I be the damn 'matriarch'?

I am so not ready for that........

This really sucks and it's breaking my heart every day.

So, yeah, bring on the fun.....I need a little something

Is that fucking okay, because I feel guilty for wanting it?

Ahhh, so there it is.....

Happy Birthday Mum!

and so say all of us

On defining my insanity..............

Image:
Take That

Look into my eyes

stay awhile
see.....

I can make you mine

If I choose
I will be all you ever wanted
you didn't even know

I can do that

I can do for you
what I could never do for me
dreams in a bottle drunk

I can't see why

I do everything
for you
but nothing changes

I must be crazy

on and on and on and on.................

Been thinkin'........

about lovers and madness

(refer to unfinished painting)

an interesting day in Michelle's head today for sure

new lovers to be

old lovers past

the fact that you can count 24 years worth of lovers on less than the fingers of one hand.......as opposed to one finger

(not going into the years prior to that)

hmmmm

I think I am glad that I have had more than one 'partner'......

I'm pretty sure if I had to put up with any of them for 24 years I would be insane by now :)

But, who says I am not???

I'd been reading some stuff where people have been calling themselves 'mad' just recently and it got me thinking again, about definitions and what we call ourselves and why we do this.......

I got to where I thought that yes, I could quite probably call myself mad if I chose to, this past year, considering what I have done and been through.

Yeah, I am confused and scared and my head wont stop some days

and yeah, I can do embarrassing stuff, trust me I CAN and I have

I have been into and booted out of fantasy land

But I am not 'mad' people...

I am just human

I have been to the 'mad' place, where depression and anxiety and overwhelming emotional breakdowns were.......that WAS mad, as one would define mad. That led to self medicating and pain and betrayal and all the classic stuff. Not a nice place at all.

This year, by comparison, is tame and quite functional thank you.

I am grateful to be in a place where I can see this stuff and not be swamped by it.
To be in a place where I have people that don't mind pulling my head out of my bum when it needs pulling.
To be able to function on a somewhat rational and responsible level for my family.

To be me.

Yes, just me.....

This Michelle, who fucks up a lot but tries to own it and to keep it real in a world where this is increasingly difficult and painful.

It's all okay, just for today

Welcome to my world :)

Half done........

Contemplative today

What is it that I want?

Hmmmm.......

Sunday snifflings and other such stuff....

Well, it's Sunday morning. So it is.

I am awake at sparrow fart because i went to sleep at 7pm!

This is good, I needed that, I am a bit sick still and want it over with now please!

My kids have all had a revolting tummy bug that I have managed to avoid so far but............

My cold is not going fast enough!

So, sleep is good yes?

I was having a night out last night but it didn't happen, which I am counting as a blessing as it isn't really nice to give people germs even if you don't mean to :)

I plan on having this night out later in the week when I WILL BE BETTER (you hear me gods?)

Whatever ...it will happen when it does I guess......

Today I plan on sleeping and cleaning and maybe finishing a painting (yes, that one up there) I started last week.

I want to hang it in my bedroom so finished would be good...

I may go for a drive out to the shopping hole to swap some unnecessary purchases later, either for money or more purchases, haven't made up my mind yet :)

It is mums 61st birthday on Tuesday! This is a little bittersweet considering......and what the hell do I get her?

I'm having two days off this week, one for crap to be done, one for me....how's them apples~!!

Bring it on universe..........but no more bugs okay!

Be nice to me.....I need that.

Oh crap it's wet out there........but the frogs love it

It's raining still at this arse end of the earth.........god when will it stop!

My kids have stopped throwing up the equivalent of their body weights hourly, this is good news

My big girl is coming up to do 'grandma sick at the other house'

My cold is almost gone

Last night was a hoot and now we will be famous......(note to self ALWAYS get dressed up when going out or you will get in the paper for sure)

Maybe I will get to have some fun today

Or maybe I will just go to work and be grateful for all of the above?

Whichever way the wheel turns people.......wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Acceptance....almost there

*grin*