Monday, October 12, 2009
on and on and on and on.................
about lovers and madness
(refer to unfinished painting)
an interesting day in Michelle's head today for sure
new lovers to be
old lovers past
the fact that you can count 24 years worth of lovers on less than the fingers of one hand.......as opposed to one finger
(not going into the years prior to that)
I think I am glad that I have had more than one 'partner'......
I'm pretty sure if I had to put up with any of them for 24 years I would be insane by now :)
But, who says I am not???
I'd been reading some stuff where people have been calling themselves 'mad' just recently and it got me thinking again, about definitions and what we call ourselves and why we do this.......
I got to where I thought that yes, I could quite probably call myself mad if I chose to, this past year, considering what I have done and been through.
Yeah, I am confused and scared and my head wont stop some days
and yeah, I can do embarrassing stuff, trust me I CAN and I have
I have been into and booted out of fantasy land
But I am not 'mad' people...
I am just human
I have been to the 'mad' place, where depression and anxiety and overwhelming emotional breakdowns were.......that WAS mad, as one would define mad. That led to self medicating and pain and betrayal and all the classic stuff. Not a nice place at all.
This year, by comparison, is tame and quite functional thank you.
I am grateful to be in a place where I can see this stuff and not be swamped by it.
To be in a place where I have people that don't mind pulling my head out of my bum when it needs pulling.
To be able to function on a somewhat rational and responsible level for my family.
To be me.
Yes, just me.....
This Michelle, who fucks up a lot but tries to own it and to keep it real in a world where this is increasingly difficult and painful.
It's all okay, just for today
Welcome to my world :)