Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Just being in today..........with maybe a toe in tomorrow

still not done...



Another busy day ahead for me......at the other office again.

I actually prefer it there, the box is so stifling and isolated......

Hoping for a nice fun day tomorrow.....

Only 6 kittens were born (only!) so I got that wrong didn't I......

Now, to find them a dog proof space, looks like the laundry needs a half door.

I'm feeling strangely vulnerable today. Like I am on the edge of a new thing but I'm not all that sure I'm up to it......

I took mum to the doctors yesterday, for scripts really, but she is not feeling good at all.
So we are trying a low dose steroid for the appetite and also an anti depressant, because she is scared and anxious and it is getting her down.
I hope it works. I wish she would speak to some sort of spiritual advisor or counsellor......she needs to come to a peaceful place around death.....easy for me to say I know, but she does and she isn't and I hate seeing her so scared and little looking.

Anyway, that's where I'm at today......

I feel like I am in the right place but what or where this is, I just don't know.

Maybe it just doesn't matter....

I wish I still had a motor bike some days...

I'd just get on that bike and ride........


8 comments:

Natalie said...

Yeah, i reckon we all would in your shoes. I hear you in all that you are saying re: mum. Remember, you have a cyberworld, full of invisible hands holding your head above the water....not to mention the general Angel population.xx♥

Lisa said...

scared and vunerable is becasue a certain energy has been discovered and is ready to be ejected re last nights email.

I imagine your poor pussy is quite a sight this morning xx

Michelle said...

I've been feeling similar. And I am so behind on reading blogs it is scary!

I have no idea what I missed about your mom, but might have some ideas for you that could help - I do know people who deal with dying and the spiritual aspects. If not useful to your mom, maybe to you?

If you're interested - pop over onto my blog and I'll give you my email, ok? I'm not sure... I might have email up on my profile... crikey. :-\ I can't remember!

Another thing I can't remember... do you know about Blogblast for Peace day? It's Nov 5th and last year we had hundreds of bloggers participating. I was hoping you'd be join and adding your name to the list (because I'm betting you'd create a lovely Peace Globe), but not if it sounds extra on your already rather overwhelming plate.

http://crows-feet.blogspot.com/2009/10/peace-globe-day-countdown.html

wykd wytch said...

I dont think I want to see Michelle's pussy really....just love your pic...w.w.

christopher said...

Sweetie, an honest life is not for the faint of heart, not for sissies. Every day you get older and closer to the true surface of things. Likewise it is harder to remain hidden and mostly we get harder crusts, which unfortunately means more brittle. Some of us crack under pressure, usually just a little. It is easier in truth to just let go and allow the nature of things to appear.

But that is so scary and scariest of all is for real dying if you haven't made peace with it. There's your mother and you are blessed to see it even if you really can't help her with the real deal. I so admire your open declaration that your job now is to help her die. I went there with my mother and it is one of my proudest moments that I was there for her last breath.

And I want to offer how you are her blessing - the best of her carries on in you with eyes more wide open and a heart more responsive to what's really happening. Not to say the job's done because that would be absurd, just that I am sure she hoped better for you than she had. I am sure she has succeeded in that.

All the rest of it is just life, hey? If I were there I would give you one of those hugs you sometimes get in AA. I would tell you to your face I think you are beautiful. And I would laugh with your cracking wise, glad to be by your side.

As for me, I am poignant just now, feeling rather tender and uncertain myself for my own reasons. I can't quite hold my end up. My body tells me so. In one way this is normal. I am rusting away. Another piece of me says, why so soon? I hope I am in the right way on my right path, knowing if I am not there is really nothing to do for it. My task is to keep the peace even so.

So is yours, love. My rough cut friend Norm says, it's a great life if you don't flinch.

Renee said...

Michelle is there anyone even at the hospital that could talk to your Mom. Sometimes I have heard that chaplains at hospitals are suppossed to be really good.

xooxo

Bogey said...

Michelle, no matter where you think you are, if you look around you and see your own shadow, that means your feet are still planted firmly on the ground. And during this part of your life, that is all that you can hope for.

Maybe you can borrow a bike and clear the cobwebs from your brain. Just a thought.

Michelle said...

Thank you friends :) I feel loved.