Sunday, October 25, 2009
I am at a point right now where I am seriously wondering if I actually know anything at all?
If I can 'read' people right?
I am totally fucking confused by a particular person I have interacted with lately.
But aside from that.........
Can I actually even hold a conversation anymore?
I seem to have lost so much of my previously held opinions and beliefs that I don't even know if I could sit down and hold up my end of a discussion, were anyone to choose to have one with me.
I feel like I am invisible.
Like I have turned into this completely different person over the last year or so and I don't know how to 'speak' her.
I don't know if this is normal or if this is just weird or me being melodramatic or what.
I just do not know.
Who the fuck am I??
Outside of this blog page, will the real Michelle please stand up.....
Do I have anything to say?
Does anybody actually care?
Really truly care what makes me tick?
Can I actually expect them to?
Is the point that I am supposed to come to the point where I see that, when it all boils down to it, I am the only one who actually gives a shit about me?
Am I so used to seeing myself through 'other' eyes that I can't see me without them?
I don't think so.
I think enough of myself to say to you, should you choose to disregard me in such a way as you did today, that you can well and truly go get stuffed......I don't need that shit, or you, in my life.
And I will tell you something else....I feel like I am holding on by the skin of my teeth most days lately and that my hand is actually squeezing the scruff of my neck to keep me from falling down on the damn ground. That's how I really feel, if you should care to know, for at least a part of every day. How I am not smoking or running screaming to the nearest bar is beyond me. I may well go hunt out a meeting before this month is through. 3 years it's been, maybe I need to do that.
Maybe I do......but not the old ones, oh no, might have to give AA a whirl this time.
Because sometimes I just can't do it all by myself.