Sunday, October 25, 2009

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.......


I am at a point right now where I am seriously wondering if I actually know anything at all?

If I can 'read' people right?

I am totally fucking confused by a particular person I have interacted with lately.

But aside from that.........

Can I actually even hold a conversation anymore?

I seem to have lost so much of my previously held opinions and beliefs that I don't even know if I could sit down and hold up my end of a discussion, were anyone to choose to have one with me.

I feel like I am invisible.

Like I have turned into this completely different person over the last year or so and I don't know how to 'speak' her.

I don't know if this is normal or if this is just weird or me being melodramatic or what.

I just do not know.

Who the fuck am I??

Outside of this blog page, will the real Michelle please stand up.....

Do I have anything to say?

Does anybody actually care?

Really truly care what makes me tick?

Can I actually expect them to?

Is the point that I am supposed to come to the point where I see that, when it all boils down to it, I am the only one who actually gives a shit about me?

Am I so used to seeing myself through 'other' eyes that I can't see me without them?

I don't think so.

I think enough of myself to say to you, should you choose to disregard me in such a way as you did today, that you can well and truly go get stuffed......I don't need that shit, or you, in my life.

And I will tell you something else....I feel like I am holding on by the skin of my teeth most days lately and that my hand is actually squeezing the scruff of my neck to keep me from falling down on the damn ground. That's how I really feel, if you should care to know, for at least a part of every day. How I am not smoking or running screaming to the nearest bar is beyond me. I may well go hunt out a meeting before this month is through. 3 years it's been, maybe I need to do that.

Maybe I do......but not the old ones, oh no, might have to give AA a whirl this time.

Because sometimes I just can't do it all by myself.

7 comments:

Sarah Lulu said...

I know that invisible feeling very well...so so so well.

And being disregarded.

I had to learn to see myself in the mirror and to value myself for quite a while before I could do it with someone else.

You are in a state of evolution.

Don't stop!

wykd wytch said...

It is hurtful to be invisible...I feel invisible most of the time...I often feel that I am only seen to be shouted at or told that I am doing something wrong...
you are in carer mode..and will be until it is over - you made that choice and now cannot step away.
You have chosen a very hard road but in your heart you can only answer whether you have done the right thing.
It also is a time to recognise true friendship with those that have stuck by you...when dad was sick and in hospital, when the man had cancer, when mum got sick..only a small handful of people acknowledge my pain...I will be grateful to them until the day I die...you are a string defiant woman Michelle, I dont think you have changed at all...I cannot imagine what you have been through over the past two years...I send you strength...w.w.

Jen said...

I agree with Renata.

Sometimes people come totally out of left field - which leaves you reeling.

Love you heaps

xoxo

Bagman and Butler said...

I have a little leave a comment box but feel like this blog deserves a multi-page letter. So I'll take a middle road and babble incoherently instead. Nobody know us like we know ourselves, which usually ins't very very well anyhow. Meetings ARE good at times like these although I've dropped off myself and haven't been to one in over a month. For me, my disappointments usually come from my expectations of others and not from the actual others themselves. I don't worry too much usually about being able to hold up my opinions in a discussion because almost always everyone is too busy listening to their own anyway. (Hey! I'm probably doing that right now!) So
I'll go back and re-read your blog. And this time NOT comment on it at all. Just listen. Take it easy. Let go and let god. A day at a time and all that good stuff.

Bogey said...

When you feel invisible, disregarded or discounted by the world or just and individual: who was giving them the power to make you feel that way to begin with? Nobody should have that kind of control over you. NOBODY! Life has been difficult enough for you this past year. No sense giving somebody the power to try and destroy all that you have worked at. It is so, so easy to just throw your hands up in the air and say, " Aw, F*** it"! "I'm going to get polluted". Well, the reality of that is, in the morning, a**holes will still be a**holes, the grass will still be green, the skies will still be blue and you will have to begin your journey all over again. Will you have the strength to do it again? I think you are surrounded by enough physical friends and cyber friends who truly do care about you and your well being. Sometimes it doesn't hurt to be humble and ask one of them to offer their shoulder or ear so that you can unburden yourself. It sure as hell beats the alternative. Hang in their Michelle, you are a worthy person with a lot to offer. (((Hugs)))

Lisa said...

i will come to the meeting with you if you need support.

Lisa xx

Cyndy said...

There's lots of words here: I'll just send my love & support.


xoxoxoxoxoxoxo