Monday, August 21, 2006

Life is funny...

Oh boy, when you ask for help from the universe it sure can come in funny ways!
I spent Saturday doing an angelic workshop and in this process experienced healing on a deep cellular level, it was quite amazing at the time, (and painful!!) and obviously works. We did an exercise on the solar plexus chakra (yellow) and removed and released old stuff that we didn't need at the time. All very well and good, I blithely told em to take it all........trouble is I think they may have done just that.
Two days later I've got my mother on the phone giving me her better than usual guilt trip about how selfish I am and blah blah the family will fall apart unless I change into goodness knows who, how people I have purposefully chosen not to see (5 years ago! For my own survival!) need me desperately to fix up their lives for them and how the whole planet knows I don't love her and the war in the middle east must be all my get the picture? My normal mode of dealing with this person is conditioned deep inside and I nod and hmmm and let her rip me to shreds everytime just in case, get this, I HURT HER FEELINGS. Well, not today. Michelles mouth opens and another voice comes out and tells her that I'm not doing this anymore and that its not alright for her to keep ringing me up and telling me I'm shit because, actually, I'M NOT.
Never mind that she immediately went into how could you do this to me mode....I did it. I told her what I thought, when I thought it and only shouted a little bit, to be heard over her shouting of course. And when she tries it again tomorrow I will tell her again, calmly I hope, the reasons I find this objectionable. Trouble is, she doesn't hear me when I say things nicely. I didn't abuse her, just spoke loudly.
When I think how I've spent my entire life letting this narrow minded, possessive person rule me and abuse me and teach me how to hate myself I could just spit!
Yes, I am a bit angry, that's okay. It's what I do with my anger that counts, I let it go with love not let it go at her. Well, not much anyway.
Yes, I am a bit sad, this is my mother I'm talking about. It's taken me a long time to realize that some love is harmful.
It's a big deal for me to speak my mind to a woman who used to render me speechless as a child (in fear) and as an adult. Funny how much power we give people we are conditioned into believing are the best thing for us.
So, I let go of my fear of my mother knowing what I think and her ability to use that as a weapon.
I let go of my need for approval.
I let go of my wish for a 'normal' parent. What is that anyway.
I let go of being 'owned' by another person.
I let go of my anger about not being kept safe.
I let go of my anger and hurt for being rejected when I was dying and needed help.
I send my mother love and light and love her for who she is and not who I think I need her to be. She lives in fear and I will have compassion.
I will not accept abuse and manipulation in my life anymore.

I hope I live up to that!!!
I guess I know what my dream was about now!


Elizabeth said...

Funny how sitting on the floor of Rose Cottage, performing solar plexus surgery without an anesthetic, has had such a dramatic impact on both of our lives in the last few days. What an amazing & profound healing experience we learned & participated in on Saturday - I wonder how little Panni is going.
I am the last to talk about letting go & moving on- all I know is that we do it in our own time, when it is right for us. sometimes its 40 minutes, other times its 40 years.
There is no denying the impact of the 'mother' image on our lives & for ages I carried anger about my mother being the way she was- now I just feel a bit sad for what i see as opportunities she lost- to be amother & more importantly, to be a good mother, because as you & I know, being a 'good' mother is one of the most rewarding things we can do in life.
Stand strong my sister- love yourself enough to continue to say no- how blessed I am to have found you- so spiritual, so human.
Love You E x

Rylah said...

You've done so well... congratulations on letting all that stuff go, I can imagine how hard it was.
Love and light,
Jacqui xXx

Severina said...

You are totally amazing, this is brilliant ! You aer obviously gorwing so much right now, and I commend you for it. Most of us are too nervous to stand up to what we really think !